Would you charge a family member 'rent' under these circumstances?

I wouldn’t, personally. I have had my sister live with me, and I did not charge her rent. I think it depends on the family, though, and the dynamics of that family. Also, if it’s necessary, it’s necessary.

Absolutely Not! She’s already given up a lot. If she was a freeloader, different story.

No way. These are circumstances where that shouldn’t even come up as a topic.

Freeloading? What is that? Not helping to look after the parents who are going through the illness and not paying for groceries, making dinners, that sort of thing? Let’s say she has been at the parents house, helped with their meals and cleaning and even gets a little part time job, so she has cash to run a car she bought herself so she could do errands for her parents without having to borrow a car all the time. She had to pay for her own plane ticket to get there as well which was thousands of dollars (because she was living half way around the world.) which she had to put on a credit card and had to make those payments as well.

No, under those circumstances I wouldn’t even consider asking for rent.

No. You asked her to come, she shouldn’t have to pay rent.

I should fix the question for a second part: Part 2: What sort of reaction would you expect from your younger sister when you asked her for rent?

No.

In fact I would argue if the mother has some money, her plane ticket should be paid for out of the money, and maybe even other expenses. Not that she should be stealing the money from her mother, but I would think a parent would not mind if they had the money to give. Even in that case, and I have been in a similar case, I did not take any money, but I did not quit a job, and I am ok financially. While I was there my relative who was sick did pay for several of my meals though.

No, I could not bring myself to profit from a sister that has given up so much to come home & help, families should pull together in times of crises…. You needed her there, be grateful she turned up….
You could be paying for home help instead :-/

I would expect her to be hurt.

@ANef_is_Enuf I was quite devastated…, but just to show you how bent my family is, my brother’s eulogy at our mother’s funeral held no mention of what I did. Just thanked, by name, the other sisters.

I’m asking this to try to work out what was going on in my older sister’s mind when she asked me.

She’s coming out to help at great personal expense. To give up a job in this economy where there is absolutely no guarantee that she’d get another one is a great sacrifice to make—not just for her but for her husband.

Just because she has no children doesn’t mean that she has no expenses. People get used to living on a certain budget. A drop in that budget would be a big blow to a family even if there are no children.

Don’t even consider charging rent.

@cazzie sorry that this happened to you, it’s unfortunate that people can be so oblivious and insensitive to the feelings of others, especially people that should be regarded as our loved ones.

As far as a reaction would go, from me. If my sister asked me that; I would be considering if we were related in the first place… :-/

Ahhh sorry I see. I didn’t scroll all the way down. That sucks. Is there a local friend you could stay with instead?

Even though I am a mom, I didn’t become one until I was almost 40. So I went through years of people making all sorts of rude assumptions that I could be snubbed just because I had no children. So I totally feel for you.

I wouldn’t ask her for rent ever. But if I were in her place I’d be looking for ways to help you out. Buying food, transportation, etc. My family digs deep to help each other out in tough times, but we never have to ask each other for anything. I’d be a little insulted.
Misread the situation. I see what your saying now.

Ok first if I asked my sister or her me the shocked look would happen.

Second, if this was a friend or a freeloader [someone who comes to live with you because they claim they have no place to go and then they sit in your home on their ass making a mess and not cleaning it up]. In retrospect a freeloader is like an teenager in adult form so to say.

Your sister has a place to go and in fact she left everything to come and HELP out. Maybe this is hard for you financially but on the other hand maybe she should stay with the parents then. You could tell her your situation and ask if she is willing to help pay for food if she does have a job. I’m sure she’d try to help if you had to do your local grocery shopping at the nearest food bank she’s there to help isn’t she?

Thanks for the support and sympathy, but hey, guys, don’t worry, this happened a while ago. Just had another recent falling out with the same sister and this time, I think it is not worth my trouble to try to make things better.

Hope all’s well with Mom :-/
Sod the sister! ;-)

@Scooby Mom bought herself another year with the chemo. At least I made it back for the funeral, thanks to my Dad paying for that ticket, cause I couldn’t do it twice.

Wow, how screwed up is my family?

@cazzie Wow. That is unbelievable. I have a family member who seems sure she is the only one competent and doing any work to help a sick relative, which is completely false. She does do a lot to help, but so are many people. She lives just a few blocks from the relative, so she has the burden of living nearby, but I pay all of my relatives bills online every month, I talk to her 3 times a week for “personal” contact. I have flown into town when she had been hospitalized and when she transitions back to living at home. My mom has travelled once every couple of months, more often when she is hospitalized, so she has visitors and help. Pretty much everything my mom and I do is ignored by the relative who lives in the same city as the sick person. The inconvenience it causes us is viewed as no big deal because in her perception our lives are much easier to begin with. It’s jealousy I think. Jealousy and they hate their own life.

@JLeslie I think you may be onto something. I took her and her husband out to dinner while I was there (to say thank-you?) and she did everything in her power to ruin the evening.

@cazzie My condolences…..
Well done Dad… families can be very unpredictable at times, especially in times of stress….. We all need each other at some point, your sister should realise that you made the effort.. Well done you & Dad. ;-)

I, personally, would not charge her rent.

@cazzie The one consolation I have is the sick relative loves me, greatly appreciates my help, and I feel very close to her.

What really bothers me, bothers me more than being perceived as doing nothing, is the relative who feels she is the only one who does anything is someone who really matters to me. We had always been very very close and in the last few years our relationship deteriorated. The deterioration began before the sick relative situation. She has become a total bitch. And, it is hard for me to watch her so unhappy.

Nah.

Maybe ask her to help with the groceries, but rent? My couch is free. There could be other dynamics that we’re not aware of. If my sister insisted that the heat be set much higher than I am used to, or takes 3 long hot showers a day and shoots the utility bill up, and If I were on a limited income, then maybe I would ask for some help with the utility bill too.
There might be other factors ib their family history that would cause a sister to ask such a thing.

No, she shouldn’t have asked you for rent under these circumstances. If I were you, and my sister had asked me for rent, I probably would have called her a greedy bitch and slapped her.

You had to leave your job to help out, how in the hell are you supposed to have the money to pay “rent” to your sister? That’s just all kinds of screwed up.

Thanks everyone, for the answers. I thought it was pretty naff at the time. I think she thought I had it better than she did, both in growing up and the life I was living, not that she ever kept in touch enough to really know what was going on in my life. She just assumed a lot and seemed set of being jealous of me, regardless of there being a reason or not.

I am not proud how I reacted to her demand for rent. I never caused a scene or had an argument with her. I found somewhere else to live and left her a note with some money in it.

This issue is old, about 10 years old, but we recently had another falling out this past summer, after having made up a little when Dad died 3 years ago. I’ve just decided to cut her out of my life now.

Your answers have really helped me see how wrong she was and to clear my own mind of any fog relating to the issue.

@cazzie What do you think would have been a better way to respond to her demand for rent? Sounds like what you did was reasonable.

@cazzie ; It sounds like you and your sister have a lot of history and hurt. I hope that some day her wounds will heal as well. I am thinking from the perspective of your poor mother. The last thing she wants is to see her daughters at odds with each other. I remember when my mom died, she made sure that we all knew that her dieing wish what that we Live, Love, Laugh and be happy.

Wow, @cazzie , who knew we shared a sister? Mine wouldn’t ask outright, but would mention to all and sundry, repeatedly, that I was “sponging” and should have offered. That’s just how she rolls. I look to her to be a great role model for how not to be.

My daughter is 42 and has Lupus. She asked to come back home, so she could be properly taken care of. We have not and will not ask a dime from her.

Family is family and you just take care of each other…...........no charge!

@Judi to be honest, we always got along until Mom getting sick put pressure on the family. I was oblivious to the resentment and bitterness she harboured for me. I talked to another sister and her husband about it and they said it was one of the reasons they moved out of state. Because this other sister was a nurse and her husband also worked in the local hospital, they all ended up working together for a short period of time. I think some seriously horrible words were said by our older sister. She’s just bitter and full of resentment.

I figured, now with BOTH parents dead, there is no reason to play nice for their sakes and I have cut ties with her and her youngest daughter, but her oldest daughter and I still share a special bond, thankfully. For her wedding present this summer, we are able to provide airfares for her and her new husband to go for a weeks vacation in Florida in January. I thought that might provide more fuel to the fire of her mother hating me, but I thought it unfair to factor that in. It’s not her fault her mother is the way she is.

I brought in my 20 yr old great nephew to live. My family just talks bad about him and does nothing to help. Now I was going through financial stress, and probably would not have offered him to stay here. I wrote a sister and told her my situation, and heard not a word.

Family is hard. At least, mine.

When my MIL was in her last years, my SIL and BIL took over most of the work. When she passed, they wanted an extra share of the inheritance in order to compensate them for the work. It was a negotiation that left a lot of bad feelings and now my wife never sees her sister any more. Sometimes we arrange for the kids to get together… or think about it, anyway, but due to the problems between the moms, the kids don’t see each other, which is too bad.

The final years of a parent’s life can bring out all kinds of negative stuff because the responsibilities are always shared unevenly. If you have kids or live far away, you turn to your siblings who live close or who don’t have kids in order to do the work. It is always unfair. That causes a lot of bitter feelings. If you have siblings who have mental illness issues, I think it would be worse.

I have no great words of wisdom about how to handle this. It would be nice to hear from far-flung families who have navigated this issue without resentment.

@wundayatta thank you for your insight and sharing.

I think the greatest lesson I bring out from this experience is that I will strive to not push away my family members and friends in the ways she has. Martyrdom is unattractive, especially when the martyr doesn’t actually die in the process. Honest communication and true bravery is far more admirable than self-pity and passive-aggressive behaviour.

@wundayatta Do you think the siblings who do the most work caring for elderly parents should get more inheritance? I have no problem with that. I guess people might argue over how exactly the money should be divided, but if one adult child took on the majority of the burden, that has financial value I think, even if it is also done out of love and familial obligation. I think it gets tricky when the person who gave the most care also has much more financial wealth than the other siblings.

I certainly think if the caregiver spent some of their own money they should be compensated back in the inheritance. But, that is a slightly different matter.

@JLeslie I think that whole argument opens too big a can of worms. Only in the case of a sibling being out of pocket in an almost irreparable and obvious way should this argument even be opened for discussion. The whole, ‘But I did MORE than you did’ argument is horrible and will never end well.

No. Especially if you are in a better financial space than she. I am sure, if she is a good person she will certainly contribute in many other ways, with household help, meal prep. maybe contribute to a few groceries. Be VERY careful with this, if you are harboring any past grievances with your sister, now is the time to get really CLEAR about that so as not to pollute your relationship with past grudges.

I’d suggest a very open discussion about any hidden expectations you have and ask her what she feels is a fair and comfortable arrangement under the circumstances.

@Coloma I’m afraid that ship has sailed. The resentment goes way beyond looking after my parents during their twilight years. This summer, 10 years after the ‘rent’ issue, we had a bigger falling out and I had to call it quits. She posted on Facebook that she wished I had never been born. I really didn’t know what to do with that.

@cazzie Well, siblings in my family have willingly given up portions of inheritance to those who spent years caring for a parent. I agree it can be a can of worms though.

@cazzie

That’s too bad. I am sorry.

Then, given the circumstances I think it best to just accept what is and while it may be frustrating, why set yourself up for more trauma if the relationship is that toxic.

Looks like your highest choice is to forgo any sustained contact.

Oh @cazzie ; How hurtful. As an outsider, I have the space to have compassion for her too though. (Not that I would expect you to, you are the target here.) Your sister must be so wounded and miserable. I can’t believe that anyone wakes up in the morning WANTING to be bitter and hateful. It’s like an all consuming cancer. I hope that some day, she will be able to give it up before it kills her.

I wouldn’t. At all. This isn’t a voluntary situation. I would ask for contribution around the house, though.

Not in that circumstance, no. I would ask her to help out with the household expenses. Your issues go way beyond the rent issue, though. I would visit a family counselor for some insight on the way to approach the situation. You might find some good tips and ideas.

@Judi She is harbouring resentment for things I had no control over,(the circumstances of how we were brought up) so I can’t help things. If she want’s to hate me because she thinks I ‘had it better growing up’, than fine. That can be the pot she stews in.

@cazzie ; yes. It’s sad for her, and lucky for you that you can recognize that it is HER problem, not yours.

@JLeslie I think a sibling who does more should get a bit extra in the inheritance, and my wife’s siblings all agreed on that principle, too. They also agreed on an amount, and any day now, that will be settled and the inheritance distributed.

However, the way it came about caused bad feelings, and it has caused damage to family relationships. Who knows how long this damage will last? I can’t complain because I’m not fond of her family, but I keep that to myself. I feel bad for her, although she doesn’t seem too put out by it. Maybe she doesn’t like her family that much, either.

Blood is thicker than water, so I feel pretty confident that one day bygones will be bygones. They aren’t that nasty a group of people, I think. But the feelings are hurt now, so it may take a while, yet.

I’m with your sister.

I wouldn’t charge any rent. I’d feel kind of bad she had to quit her job instead of take a leave of absence too.

No. I’d let her stay with me as a guest, or let her have have a vacant apartment rent-free.