If a woman asks to reschedule a date, should she offer to pay?

I think if she has a good reason and it’s your first date, then you should pay. Even if it’s your first few dates, you still should pay. Things come up, things happen.

Who pays is between the people going on the date, but I don’t think asking to reschedule adds any sort of new or added obligation to pay or offer to pay.

Do you mean if you already bought concert tickets or something and your date can’t go? I’m not sure what you mean when you say “should she offer to pay” if she cancels or reschedules.

Wow, there’s too much information not given up there. If circumstances are beyond her control and she needs to reschedule, no. If you are losing money because of ticket issues or something, and she just wants to change for convenience, yes. Too many variables to make an absolute call here.

Personally, absolutely not. : )

Nah, stuff happens. But it also depends a lot of other factors.

I had not considered an expense had been made previously. I was simply thinking a “I will take you to dinner” date.

I had expressed an opinion that if a woman asks to reschedule a date of this kind, she should offer to buy instead as a way to smooth over the inconvenience.

What @SavoirFaire said. Because, there’s no other social situation where it’s not ok to reschedule.

If you ask her out for dinner, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought , then rescheduled or not it’s really kinda your dog. If she asks you, then she pays. If she reschedules, it’s still the same date, just on a different…er…date.

I think there always needs to be some give and take when it comes to human relations and relationships. Things happen and you may need to cancel a date some time. It might be a very nice gesture, if she really inconvenienced you by asking to reschedule, if she asked you out and offered to pay, but I’ve never actually heard of anyone who thinks the person who was not already going to pay should pay just for rescheduling. It’s a like making your date pay a penalty for canceling.

What @lillycoyote says brings up a good point. If you want to consider the possibility of continuing to date this woman (if you’re not already in an established relationship) you might want to reconsider the idea of “who pays” as being a primary focus.

Well here is the thing. It seems to be the perception that the man should pay, as @chyna said, or who asks who, as some people have indicated.

If I ask a woman, and she agrees, then breaks the appointment at a later time, and asks to reschedule, isn’t she now asking me?

If you asked her out originally, then you should still pay. Things happen and dates/events need to be rescheduled.

Example: if you buy tickets to a concert but they have to reschedule it/raincheck it, they don’t pay for it. You do.

Oh just pay for the date tightwad.

^Sexist.

^^ lolz

Did you ask her? Is this a new relationship? Do you give a rat’s ass what she thinks of you if it’s a new relationship? Buy the damned dinner if the answers to the above questions are “yes”.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought I can see the logic that even if you originally asked her out, she’s now asking you out. I don’t agree with it, but if we’re going off that logic, yes, she should pay. But here’s the thing: You then have to make a big thing out of her paying. When the bill comes, you now have to have this big discussion about how she has now asked you out, and thus should pay. And it turns what might be an otherwise smooth and flowing date into focusing on various power dynamics that may or may not have been there before the bill arrived. And because this particular struggle is about money, there’s no way for either partner to come off as anything other than greedy. So, while I get where you’re coming from, I think focusing on this issue could kill an otherwise good start to a relationship. Look at power dynamics and money on later dates. If you go on second and third and forth dates, and you’re always paying, then definitely make an issue of it. If you’re always picking her up, and she’s never picking you up or meeting you there, that’s an issue. Make sure your relationship has equality, definitely. Just maybe question if this is the issue you want to make about equality, or if maybe you’re willing to sacrifice this issue to make sure that you get to date #2 with someone you really like outside of this issue.

@Aethelflaed there are not power dynamics in play when the young lady assumes I will gladly reschedule and still pay?

I just indicated to a female jelly, that if a woman says she would like to reschedule, I have historically said that if you want to reschedule, you are paying now. The female jelly was horrified.

You are outgunned and outclassed, here, fella, crying “Uncle” with grace may be your only option in order to escape total ANNIHILATION!!!

And by the way, do you still want to date this woman? Cuz, Sweetie, if you start out on that foot, it ain’t gonna happen.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought But you don’t know that she assumed that you would still pay. For all you know, she had every intent of going dutch from the beginning and then switched to thinking she would pay for it all when she rescheduled. (Nor is it indicated that she just said “we’re rescheduling” instead of “I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve come down with the flu and don’t want to infect you; would you mind if we rescheduled? I could do xday if that would work for you.”) I personally have yet to go on a date where it was discussed who would pay for what before the actual bill came. So maybe the power dynamics were there, but you don’t know they were. Because you don’t talk about money right away on a date, talking about money is considered impolite and tacky, in any capacity (like, asking how much she makes a year or telling her how much you make a year isn’t any better).

@JilltheTooth I am about to cry uncle. People seem to feel strongly I am in error on this one.

I wouldn’t date a guy that has these kind of money issues. You are clearly clueless as to how to date.~ You do know I’m teasing.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought , that’s because you are. but I still love you. And you still get to pay. :-P

@chyna I will ask you out soon, don’t get grouchy.

She asked you to reschedule whatever you asked her out to do. That’s not asking you out. Whatever you planned to do and under what circumstances is still in effect. On this occasion, should it actually take place, you can set out guidelines for further dating, should you both be interested. Have a good time.

I’ve never really thought the guy should necessarily pay and if they insist I try to at least pay the tip or the bar tab, but if you were going to pay for this date and I had to reschedule, and found out that because of that, just because of the the rescheduling, you now thought I should pay, well, I would be kind of wary of going out on more dates with you. As I said, I’ve never heard of anyone having that kind of expectation and it would not only make me wonder if you had money issues but also wonder what other odd little rules and expectations you might have, that I had never encountered or wouldn’t expect.

Of course not! The man always pays! What’d you do with your balls, boy?

I find questions like this to be a bit ridiculous—not because they shouldn’t be asked, but because it amazes me that society even gives 2 seconds to the consideration of this issue. Makes me feel like I’m from Mars or something.

How immature is this idea? Why do we worry about who pays? I feel like we’re back in the fifties, before women’s lib or the feminist movement ever happened. Have we learned nothing?

There are no fucking rules, kids. You can do what you want. Just be kind to each other. Make an offer. It is highly rude, in my opinion, for any couple to assume one person or the other will pay because they have balls or don’t. It is ridiculous that women will wait for the man to ask, most of the time. Or that there is any question at all about this that would stop a woman from making the first move.

This turns on the people involved. If they are people with traditional ideas, then I doubt if they will expect the woman to pay if she reschedules. In fact, I can’t imagine anyone to expect the arrangement will change is someone reschedules. It’s the same as before; just on a different date.

If the man asked the woman out, originally, then I guess she would expect him to pay. Unless she were a woman who didn’t want to feel obligated. They they’d each pay their own way. I would hope that no woman would want to feel obligated, but I know they have been trained to say yes to men, and a lot of them get into trouble because they can’t say no when the man wants something from them they don’t want to give.

So if the expectation was that he would pay, then if she reschedules, I would think they would both expect him to pay when the date finally happens. Now, I would hope she would offer to pay, but I can’t imagine she would violate the original rules of the engagement… uh…. date.

Now if the couple were more open and believed in equality, then I think it would be perfectly acceptable for the woman to insist on paying for the date… and I do mean insist, as in not letting the man pay. She would do this as a kind of apology for putting him out. She would especially do this if she liked the guy. He would also let her pay because he understands that her honor is just as important as his and that letting her pay doesn’t make him less of a man. He should also realize that it isn’t his to “let” happen. They are equal.

But of course, these days, equality is going down the tubes. Women… or girls… want to be taken care of again. They want to be the little woman again. They want the big, tall man to protect them and keep them from having to deal with the world. They want to give up most of what their forebears fought for.

So under the new rules of engagement, which are the old rules of engagement (pre 1950s), there should be no expectation that the woman pays—ever! It is always the man’s job. If he doesn’t pay, he loses his cojones. They will ship him off the hospital post haste to be neutered.

Can you tell I think this whole idea is ridiculous? That the fact that anyone could even conceive of this question shows me that society is truly fucked!

Men who don’t pay on the first date will find themselves in a series of never-ending first-dates. And like the Twilight zone, they will keep revisiting first dates forever wondering why.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought Take it for whatever it’s worth, but I’m just going to put this out there: first dates are not about logic for either party. Nothing kills the mood like a fourteen step proof of who is responsible for paying. Or a proof of any kind, really. Figure out who’s going to pay when the check comes by reaching for your wallet and seeing if she objects. Then, and only then, should you start any sort of conversation about it.

Only if she doesn’t give good head. Oh come on,after last night you want me to give good answers?

You know, guys, I don’t think he actually said this was a first date. I think we’ve all been assuming. Silly us. But it sure is fun to rag on you, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought !

Doesn’t matter which date it is.

What @wundayatta said.

If the gentlemen had already shelled out money for the evening’s plans, which he lost as a result of her rescheduling, then yes. Otherwise, no. Stuff happens.

In our world the woman always pays.

Treating a date with expectations other than let’s have fun is just going let you down. It is not a business lunch.
Why would you expect someone (any gender) to pay if the date is rescheduled? Have your finances changed? Did you put down a corkage fee before hand for dinner reservations? Did you miss out on a play or opera or something? Even then, shit happens.

No.

I think one has nothing to do with the other. I think if the man values the thought of a date with the woman and might like another one, he should pay. Unless of course, he paid for concert tickets or something that is “dated” and because of her cancelling, he had to struggle to give the tickets to someone else or lost money.