General Question

DeMiNiX's avatar

My girlfriend doesn't appreciate me. What do I do?

Asked by DeMiNiX (95points) December 3rd, 2011

Ok so I had been dating my girlfriend for 6 years, and we’ve been for the most part very happy together. However, last night we were fighting about something. More than a year ago, my girlfriend told me that if I don’t show that I want to live my life with her (aka propose to her), she would break up with me. So about a couple weeks later I proposed, but I completely screwed it up. So then 10 months later, after thinking hard of what I wanted to do to propose to her again, I ended up writing in the sand on the beach of how I felt about her, and asked her to marry me. THIS time I felt it, straight from my heart. She seemed to love it. But just last night she admits that she didn’t feel that I proposed to her correctly…. again. I was so heart broken when she told me this. She had been showing me “cute” proposal videos of guys singing to their girlfriends, and saying that she was jealous of that. She said that I should have “given it my all”. But I did. I did it with full confidence, (which men RARELY ever have), and said it with all my heart. She was expecting me to do something like make her a video or include photos. She said she didn’t feel a thing. I know she loves me, and she does a lot for me, and I know I do a lot for her. But getting married isn’t about a PERFECT proposal or the PERFECT wedding. It’s about living our lives each and every single day, thanking God that you are living with such a great person. I know that she’s the one for me. But I think her views on marriage are very warped. What do you guys think?

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50 Answers

Dog's avatar

You are fortunate to have found this out before you married her. I would think long and hard about this union. If you cannot measure up to her expectations being yourself then you will never be appreciated. She will always be looking at what others have done and comparing you to them.

I have seen couples like this. The man is usually very quiet, tuning her out as she points out his deficiencies in public. They look like their spirit was long ago broken.

There is no wrong way, barring tragedy, to propose. It seems she is far too focused on her own reality then the one right in front of her.

If you are unwilling to leave such a person I must ask: are you worried that you cannot do better than her? Why should you be with someone who does not love you so much she will embrace every bit of you? She should be supporting you and nurturing your soul, not bringing out a measuring rod to judge you by.

judochop's avatar

I am probably not going to be well liked for this answer but let me please give you some advice about a woman who throws that kind of crap in your face repeatedly.
DUMP HER, do not look back. Move on. If you’ve given it your best shot and the proposal was not enough what the hell do you think it would be like being married to her?
Yes her views on marriage are warped. Her expectations are obviously different than yours. You are right, she does not appreciate you.
Get the heck out and wait for the someone who does appreciate you and will love all of your romantic efforts.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Oh please, my husband proposed to me over a Subway sandwich and it was still romantic because I loved him so much. Your girlfriend expects too much and sounds incredibly high maintenance. Run away quick as you can!

DeMiNiX's avatar

Thank you guys for your quick input. I would love to hear more.

faye's avatar

I say run away quick, too. Nothing you ever do will be good enough. You’ll wear out.

linguaphile's avatar

I hate to echo what everyone else said, but living with someone who doesn’t appreciate you is akin to slow-soul-suicide.

One day you’ll wake up and look around you and find yourself and your life gone, and you still won’t be appreciated, but thoroughly resented.

It’s hard, but like everyone else said, move on. You might be thinking… but I’ve put in 6 years. Yep, it’s 6 years, you’ve had fun, but at the point of marriage things become very different. Just move on.

lostinyoureyes's avatar

This sounds like my parents’ marriage. And if it’s anything like it, you could be headed for dysfunction.

Recognize that you may be attracted to her and love her because possibly she reaffirms something you believe about yourself. How’s your self-esteem and confidence? How does your family treat you?

I don’t have a lot of experience with relationships, but I’m sure there is someone out there who will appreciate you.

Sueanne_Tremendous's avatar

How old are you guys? Sorry if I missed it….

Blackberry's avatar

Freaking drop her, man.

whitetigress's avatar

Fuck her and leave her. No one should ever have to show their significant other how to be asked to get married.

Arethusa's avatar

Please, please, please listen to the suggestions you’ve heard on this thread.

I know it must be like most difficult thing to do, and if you could it’d be the last thing you’d want to hear. But it’s true, she will never, ever appreciate you. She is not worth YOUR attention and love. If you keep at it, she will eventually destroy what’s left of your heart and self-esteem.

She is not the only one like that though, and it’s probably not all her fault, but YOU won’t be able to fix her. Her views are skewed and she wants to re-play the “perfect” relationship more than she’s interested in true love.


Tell her that you wish she finds what she’s looking for, but that you won’t wait around for her to figure out that are one who truly loves her. Tell her she has meant a lot to you, but that you need to feel the same amount of meaning for you. And that you know deep down that no matter how hard you try, you will never make her happy. That she needs to go around and find someone she thinks makes her feel truly happy and appreciated, but that you need to do the same.

Believe me, she won’t change. I’m sorry, you deserve better.

DeMiNiX's avatar

I really appreciate this everyone. But do note, she isn’t a bad person. She writes me notes of how she feels about me randomly, she cooks me meals, and I feel an unconditional love towards her. But she says she expects a lot from me because I’m “awesome”. She is so engrossed over this little thing, that she thinks its the most important part of her life. However, she has also said to me numerous times that she feels like I dont show her love as much as she wants. I try so hard, but i still get this from her.

Arethusa's avatar

We know she’s not a bad person. She isn’t.

She just won’t be able to open her eyes and see that you love her unconditionally.
She doesn’t love you the way you love her. She does have conditions. Perfection.

Once it was true love, and she made you feel great. But she won’t anymore.

It’s not her fault, as I said. Society is the one with the skewed view, and she’s imitating it.
She is a victim, just as you, of a different sort.

We’re only telling you to look after your own heart, because she may not.

Good luck @DeMiNiX — You will find true love again.

DeMiNiX's avatar

Thank you so much Arethusa!

linguaphile's avatar

@DeMiNiX—Healthy relationships aren’t based on tally systems. She might be a great person in many ways, but one of the most fundamental part of healthy relationships—the “core—” is respect, appreciation, and autonomy.

@Arethusa said it very well.

DeMiNiX's avatar

Ok, so get this everyone. I told her that I do not want to live with someone that expects a lot. After a good bit of fighting, she said that she will “work on it”. What do I make of this? She’s been so obsessed with trying to get a hold of me as well, (which I can understand, because we broke up last night) and I just don’t want to talk to her right now. What do I do?

judochop's avatar

@DeMiNiX what is your age, if you don’t mind me asking?

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“I know that she’s the one for me.”


Arethusa's avatar

@DeMiNiX Take some time.
A week or two of no contact. A cool off period for you both.

Your mind will try to articulate and come up with many solutions and alternate scenarios.
But right now you’re under a great deal of stress and your thoughts be influenced by a lot of emotions. Specially since you’re the one who’s more invested in this relationship.

When a relationship is crumbling, regardless of where there is fault, both sides will hurt.
So she will hurt too, she will try to reach back. You just need to be aware that it’ll be an emotional response, like a reflex.

At the very least you need a no-contact period. Imposed by you. You take control of the situation. Let it be known that it is you who needs it.

I at least, speak from experience when I tell you that when I tried to save a relationship in your situation before, I could not listen, I did not want to believe and I went my way, but eventually the inevitable happened. She did play with my heart, she did hurt me, and she still has not opened her eyes.

She should “work on it”. Just not with you.

Patterns and habits are very hard to break. At the very least you need some time off, that she may know what it is like without you.

And yes, if you don’t mind us asking: what is your age?

LostInParadise's avatar

Tell her what you have told us, that you sincerely love her and have done your best to demonstrate it, and if that is not good enough for her that it is best for her to find somebody else.

Thammuz's avatar

Honestly, i find it ludicrous that you haven’t already told her to fuck off.

First she blackmails you into proposing (which really was the point where you should’ve reconsidered the relationship, because there is nothing more selfish that forcing someone into devoting himself to you) then she says your proposal wasn’t sincere enough? Well, no shit, she forced you into it! And now that you do it all over again and sincerely it’s not good enough?

Seriously, dump this woman as fast as you can, there is not a word in the world that could be able to describe how much she sees you as his pet little bitch. That’s the kind of behaviour that someone who would seriously blame you for her cheating on you would have. Save yourself.

judochop's avatar

why dont you just show her this thread?

chyna's avatar

It sounds to me like it is all about the showmanship and not the actual proposal that is from your heart. You could write the proposal in the the sky, but the next day she would see a better proposal on youtube and start in again that yours wasn’t the best.
Trust me, this will never change in her. If you want to stay with her and think you can fix her, good luck. But remember, everything you do in life from here on out will be about outdoing someone else. I shudder to think what she will be like planning the wedding.

Thammuz's avatar

@judochop that’s actually a very good idea. That way she can have a general idea of what the average reaction to her behaviour is.

Sunny2's avatar

I don’t know, my proposal was in the kitchen under a hanging bare light bulb. Did it matter? I don’t think so. She wants a picture postcard life. That’s not reality. Don’t think of marrying her until she gets real. Imagine her in her Barbie doll house wanting everything pink and pouting until she gets it. No thank you.

linguaphile's avatar

@sunny has a great point… if this proposal’s not good enough, what will she apply her “dream life” to next? The house isn’t good enough? The cars aren’t good enough, the jobs aren’t good enough? Does she apply this perspective in other areas of her life? People generally tend to not just have this type of attitude in one area.

I have a relative that did that… she complained for years about their yacht club membership and about her daughter’s unsatisfactory figure (in public).

submariner's avatar

OP: I too must ask how old you two are. You’ve been dating for 6 years, and she wants a proposal, but then gets hung up on how it is delivered? This sounds incredibly immature, to say the least.

DeMiNiX's avatar

Alright, well I’m 19 and she’s 18…. We’ve been dating ever since middle school! I do agree that it’s very immature.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Woe to the man who lives a life attempting to satisfy the expectations of others.

submariner's avatar

That’s exactly the age I would have guessed for her. Well, such childishness may be excusable in an 18-year-old, and the relationship may or may not be worth saving, but it sounds like she needs to grow up a bit more before she is ready for the responsibilities of marriage.

atch's avatar

Break up. Get away and don’t go back. I was married for eight years. All these type of people are basically vampires. They feed on your positivity and willingness to sell yourself out to be sucked down by them.

Thammuz's avatar

Marrying at 19? Are you insane?

Actually, considering marrying a minor at 18?

Seriously, what is this, Twilight?

Paradox25's avatar

Your post contradicts itself. You claim that she is the one for me and that she does alot for me but yet bring up several major red flags as far as I can see here. The info here is very limited; also when you post things like this on the net you may not get the responses you might want to hear .

Like I’ve mentioned above the info here is vague at best since I’m not aware of the extent of what she does for you, what you do for her, how yous met, etc. Many relationships unfortunately are founded because of certain “conditions” that are met instead of true feelings and of course in this conformist society we live in today this is a very common occurance that leads to a ton of disasterous relationships and marriages.

From what little you have given us here I would seriously reconsider pursuing this relationship any further. Don’t give her the impression that you’re a pushover, because you’re going to have to choose between your temporary feelings vs what is best for you down the road. The way I see it if a guy or girl can’t appreciate one for being themselves then what kind of relationship do you have in the end? The comparison of you to other guys just does not cut it for me here and is a major red flag to me.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

I’d like to add that a “normal”, good-humored girl will be happy with however you choose to propose and will probably “play off it” for laughs. For instance, my above example of my husband proposing to me over a Subway sandwich? Instead of having our wedding rehearsal dinner catered by somewhere fancy, we ordered massive Subway sandwich platters. It was laid-back and everyone had a great time. We did have to explain about “Why Subway?” a few times, but everyone laughed when we told them why, and they thought it was a lovely idea.

Oh yeah, and our wedding was far from perfect. There were a lot of whoopsies that day. If your girlfriend thinks you should be able to make everything perfect, she is naive and not ready for marriage.

Sunny2's avatar

People mature at differing ages. She is definitely not mature enough to marry. Being able to compromise is an extremely important factor one must have to be successful in a marriage. Give her time to grow up. Do something that will take you away for a while. You need more experience out in the world. She may grow into the ability to be an excellent partner. She’s not there yet. Don’t ask her again until things are on a more equal footing.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

She sounds too demanding, controlling, manipulative, and selfish. This may not get better if you do end up marrying her. If you do, be prepared for her to try to put you on even more guilt trips. Be grateful you found out she is like this before you married her. Simply put, she is not ready for marriage or the responsibilities that come with it. It sounds like she is stuck in la-la land. Life isn’t a fairytale and it sounds like you know that and are willing to accept that. Good on you for not allowing a woman to have you completely wrapped around her finger. Your needs matter, too.

Dutchess_III's avatar

OMG. THAT is ridiculous. Neither of my two marriage proposals were any big deals. One was, “We should get married.” “Yeah.” “When would be a good time?” “How about three weeks from Saturday.” “K.”

The other was he shoved a ring in my face about 3 minutes before he had to leave for work.

glut's avatar

get yourself a new girlfriend.

shoily's avatar

i object to all the posts against this girlfriend.i mean i was very much in love with my boyfriend and i never appreciated him not because i didnt find him special or unique but because i just dont want to make a man feel that i am just melting for the end my boyfriend did dump me and sadly in a way i never expected coz i was probably too much in love.i am a bit high maintenance and so was my guy ,but whatever happened we just moved think a lot of times before dumping your girlfriend because she might really love you but she might want things in a way different than the end marriage is a way to compensate for each other and finding a way to balance,thats when we really feel that the person i love is the right one for me and i did the best in marrying that person and leaving possibly many more people better than him/her because of what we feel for each other and not what we deserve because if we just go ahead and keep on dating thinking someone better is out there,we will never make up our mind.probably my suggestions are too late coz ur problem is 2 months old problem,but my best suggestion,ask her the way she wants the marriage or perhaps the relation and if it works out ,marry her;because she probably loves you a lot but maybe due to her personality (like me i would assume) she doesnt want to change you or put an emotional pressure on you because she wants you to understand her and do your best to please her.please go ahead and reconcile with her,i guess she still loves you because it hasnt been of luck

Thammuz's avatar

@shoily Yeah, no.

a) Doing something stupid/insensitive/wrong/asshole-ish with good intentions behind it doesn’t make it any less stupid/insensitive/wrong/asshole-ish. You acted like you didn’t appreciate your boyfriend, on purpose it seems, to make him feel like you weren’t “melting for him”. Newsflash: that’s not what one expects from the person they love. That’s called “playing mind games”, and it’s one of the most egregious acts of not-love one could ever do. It’s exploting the bond that you have with another person to gain the upper hand in your relationship. It’s acting insincerely to deliberately give a different impression to the other person than what you actually feel, thus decieving them and breaking the implicit trust in a sentimental relationship. Can you guess what impression you gave? That’s right, that you didn’t actually like him.

I’m sorry if you thought that made any goddamned sense, because it doesn’t. If you want to be with someone you’ve got to let them know because, no matter how much someone wants to be with somoene else, they’re not going to do so despite that person. If i feel the desire is not mutual, i’m going to leave, like any sane person would do.

b) too fucking bad if she doesn’t want to put pressure on him. She’s clearly doing so and she needs to learn to handle relationships like a decent fucking human being. The hard way if possible.

c) so think a lot of times before dumping your girlfriend because she might really love you but she might want things in a way different than you.
If she wants things in a different way, she should stop playing mind games, grow up and fucking say so. That way they can be on a level playing field. Whatever the intention, this is not an excuse for deliberately straining the relationship for no good reason other than egoistic disney princess fantasies.

d) in the end marriage is a way to compensate for each other and finding a way to balance
This is so wrong on so many levels it’s not even funny. It’s because people think like you that the divorce rate is so high in the US. Marriage is putting a signature on a piece of paper that ratifies that your relationship is now official and therefore recognised by the state. That’s it. It does nothing, nothing, as to what you feel towards the other person, and if you go into it thinking it will, guess what? Crushing disappointment, right around the corner.

A healthy relationship must come before that step, otherwise it’s never going to work, regardless of whatever you might have been told by idiots all around the world. It’s like people who have kids because they think having kids will make the other person want to be part of their lives, and therefore keep the relationship together. Nevermind the damage the kid’s going to accumulate over time, especially after the inevitable divorce once they both find out that, obviously, having kids didn’t change jack on how they feel towards eachother.

If you treat your relationships like a framework where you test your potential partners, prepare to be disappointed. Nobody wants a relationship where they’re evaluated by the other person like they have to prove their worth because they’re the flawed ones that have to measure up to the other’s idea of perfection.

DeMiNiX's avatar

Hey everyone, OP here. I’m bringing this thread back because I think it would be some REALLY useful information for a lot of people in this type of situation. Well, to make things short, a week after this incident we decided to get back with each other. She remained the same. I think at that point, like some people were saying, I started to lose my soul. I was getting tired of her unappreciative ways, always criticizing how I didn’t show her enough affection. At the time of her birthday, I was dirt poor and was out of a job because of school. I couldn’t really think of what to do until finally it hit me last second: I’ll make her a video. I stayed up all night, the night before her birthday, putting together this piece of art that would show her how strongly I loved her. I stayed up until 7 in the morning, causing me to sleep in because my body was so exhausted. I wake up at 4pm on her birthday and was disappointed in myself because I KNEW she’d be upset with me. I call her up, she’s crying, I come over and show her what I made. It made her cry with happy tears, but she then tells me that she STILL had the worst birthday ever. This is probably when my soul started to disappear. And how does it all end up? CURRENT TIME: about a month ago, she leaves me for my best friend because “the connect so well”, “they’re on the same wave-length” yada yada yada. She told me that she lost her love for me, and that I lost my love for her a LONG time ago. She also told me that I should understand, and that I shouldn’t be upset. I’ve been in no contact with her since she left me for my “best friend”. Fucked up isn’t it? What’s everyones input on all of this? Oh, and here’s that video that I spent precious hours on. All for nothing.

chyna's avatar

@DeMiNiX That was a very sweet, thoughtful video. I think you would make a great boyfriend and she is the loser here. Someone is going to be very lucky to get you. Thanks for sharing that with us.

Thammuz's avatar

@DeMiNiX The kind of person who would cheat on you and blame you for it. Like fucking clockwork.

You dodged a bullet and rooted out a backstabber, who now has no idea what’s coming to him (and you’d better not warn him about it), and you are now free to find someone who is not a manipulative bitch.

Cheer up, she might not know it but she did you a favour, now go look for a decent human being, possibly somoene who lives on planet earth and has a brain bigger than a cocktail olive.

Seriously, though, you lost nothing and gained your freedom back. It will hurt for a while (or maybe less) but you’ll find someone else. And likely someone better, ‘cause you sure can’t find any worse (not without effort, that is).

You have all my support. Keep going and find someone else. You deserve better and she deserves worse (possibly to get hit by a truck).

DeMiNiX's avatar

Thanks everyone! Yeah it has definitely been a painful experience. Im definitely beginning to find myself again.

DeMiNiX's avatar

So our anniversary is literally a week away. I have a feeling she’s gonna try to get in contact with me. What do you think I should do?

Thammuz's avatar

Two options:

Don’t engage (Recomended, not worth the effort)


Kindly suggest fucking off and getting back to blowing the backstabber.

Under no circumstance consider: Giving a second chance, trying to make her love you again, rekindling your “friendship”. These all lead to you suffering for a bitch.

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