For someone who is thinking about distancing themselves from their dysfunctional immediate family and creating their own family, any advice?

What I did was consider what these people were bringing to my life. When I really, really sat back and thought about it… I realized that almost everything that I “gained” from maintaining those relationships was negative and detrimental to my well being. I started to feel like I was only playing nice because I felt obligated, it was habit. I decided that my life would be considerably better without the baggage. That’s when I came to realize that I needed distance. It became a simple case of quality vs quantity, for me.

Don’t shut the door completely on a reconciliation. I didn’t know half of my relatives even existed because my grandfather cut himself off from his family. He ran off with his brother’s fiancee. He never knew that his family had forgiven him and would have welcomed him back with open arms.

@WestRiverrat that, too.

It’s not easy. I never talk to my sister, unless she shows up to some family function and even then, she is soo…ugh. The family that you do associate with might give you shit and try to interfere, which just makes it all that much harder.

You know all about my relationship with my dad. He doesn’t call; I don’t call. Maybe someday.

Be sure that you know what you really want. Maybe you just need a small break or to set some hard boundaries.

I have so little family left. Sometimes it makes me sad. Hold on to what you can.

I am tired of being treated poorly and I haven’t done anything wrong. What Nikki said is true, it will never be the same and I have to accept that. I need to look out for myself now. I’ll come back to them when I’m ready.

Practice saying, no. Toughen up for some backlash, backbiting and criticism but remind yourself how much bs you won’t be a part of anymore. Do whatever you have to in order to not be goaded in meetups, say you are busy with a new vocational course, work cutbacks on time off, pressure to learn new stuff on the job. As time passes, you’ll feel better and better, really.

Go for it.

If your not reliant upon them, cutting people out of your life is only as difficult as you make it and it gets easier with practice. Make your position clear, leave no room for misunderstanding, don’t be insulting, and maintain communication only on your terms.

Some words of warning. Do as you feel you must, but tread carefully, such acts are rarely without unintended consequences. Best not to burn bridges you may one day wish to cross.

I’ve been wondering this lately, myself. Major brother issues, and I may have just screwed things up for my mom in the last couple of days. <bangs head on desk> I don’t want to cut myself off from my entire family, but I really don’t want to see my brother anymore. Ever.

I’ve thought about it, and like I said, I am going to take a break from them and focus on my life. I won’t cut them out for good. My Dad barely talks to his own family and my sister’s husband doesn’t talk to his and both men are miserable. I don’t want to be like that.

I guess you should do “whatever feels right”. I really hate that cliche, but sometimes it makes sense.

Hopefully taking a break will do you some good!

Just do it.

My wife hasn’t talked with her parents or brother in years.

Don’t totally burn bridges unless you are absolutely sure. I once did not see or speak to my mother for more than a year. Also one of my sisters for a long period of time.

Both of those rifts were healed with time.

I stepped away when I needed to.

It is rough, not to bring any dysfunction with you. I see myself saying the things I despise.

My sisters are total snobs, holier than thou and clueless about humanity.

Dont shut the door on them, open an escape hatch. and may the Force be with you>

I’m one of the few people in my family that doesn’t “disown” anyone. My dad disowned every single family member related to his mother (aunts, uncles, brothers, sister, and…me) when I was 7 and I never fully understood why. It created many years of deep struggles with not feeling “good enough” for anyone including myself. He was punitive and uncompromising… the people who paid the worst price, IMO were my uncle who was 13 at the time and me. It’s only in the last 5 years that I think my uncle and I finally came to terms with this.

For that reason, my uncle and I both don’t cut people off. We set strong boundaries and if the other person is not willing to respect that, we hold our boundaries but always leave the door open. My brother is an extreme right-wing Christian fundamentalist military fanatic and we don’t talk, but it’s because of his refusal to talk to me, but the day he does, I’ll be there to chat.

And… just this past weekend, I reconciled my mother and her brother after 12 years of silence. When death knocks, life’s issues have a way of devaluing themselves.

Usually time, distance and perspective have ways of clearing things up- just not too much time or distance.

It does depend on what you mean by “dysfunctional”, and every family is different. However, sometimes the only option is to just walk away and not look back.

That said, there are some situations where all you need is a little separation to give yourself some time to decompress. If your situation is one of those, then don’t burn any bridges.

Mine was not one of those though, and it is also possible that you have a similar degree of problems that requires not only burning the bridges but also setting up some SAM sites to keep them from flying over and mine the river to block that route as well.

So you really need to ask yourself how bad it really is. Is it just a little annoyance, or is it a cycle of abusive behavior? Are you merely tired of their games, or are they actually causing you harm? Like I said, it depends of what you mean by “dysfunctional”.

I have a nephew and a brother who have cut themselves off from the family.
It has taken a toll on us, but I know it isn’t us, it’s them.
One day they may change their minds, and I hope it is soon, but it’s their call.

I’m glad to hear you won’t completely cut-off, because cut-offs usually do not result in tranquility and peace for the person who cuts themselves off, or the family members.

I think don’t make any grand statements, just participate a little less in family functions or phone calls.

Have you made the effort to explain to family members what they are doing that upsets you? Or, are you fearful of being blunt with them?

I didn’t make any grand statements, but deleting people from Facebook was the clincher. People freaked out.

@ANef_is_Enuf Yeah, that would get to me to. That is a grand statement in my opinion actually.

@JLeslie I agree, but, in my own situation that was part of the problem, in itself. I needed that privacy, and there was no other way to go about it. I was saying that it was more like.. I didn’t go around “I’m not speaking to any of you anymore!”
I just quietly deleted everyone. It definitely was a big deal, though.

@ANef_is_Enuf I hate to say something that does not apply to your situation. I have a situation in my own family, and I am afraid whatever I say would just be projecting onto yours, since I don’t know the details of what you are dealing with. The person in my family doing the cutting off, and limiting communication, has become an angry, bitter, anxiety ridden person. Well, this was happening already, and then she cut off to, in my opinion, protect herself. She would state it the same way, to protect herself. But, I think her extreme measures, and I mean more than just facebook, I mean zero communication with a particular family member, has not releived her anxiety, and she seems very unhappy to me. She is basically alone in life, because it has disrupted the entire family.

I can understand why she felt she needed to cut off, but now she has made her point to the relative that troubled her most. He understands she will cut off, and he does not want to be cut off. He wants to do whatever she needs to have any sort of minimum contact and she won’t. It creates a horrible situation, because when he does nothing as she asks, the situation doesn’t move. If he tries to repair it, she says he has not changed and is not obeying her boundary.

I can underatand why you felt you needed to defriend on facebook, but just, if you can, if they want to repair things, don’t hold onto the anger for too long. Try again to fix things if they seem motivated.

@JLeslie I would say that, yes, I absolutely felt that I was protecting myself.. and my family. However, I do feel relief from the anxiety and frustration that I was feeling when I was interacting with these people.
Honestly, I would accept an apology.

If you can move on with your own life and lesson the stress and angst without cutting your family off totally, do so. I don’t see my brother and sister and we live in the same city. I have good reasons but it still hurts. I wish there was a way to make things work. There doesn’t seem to be. So, if you can just lessen the contact and do your own thing without actually cutting them off, I really would suggest you do that. It is hard to mend things when that connection is totally broken.

@Bellatrix In some cases, breaking the connection totally is the only way to mend yourself though. And sometimes the only way to learn contact is to change your number, screen type mail, and just move on without them. That is why I am still wondering how dysfunctional a family we are talking here. Sadly, sometimes there is no happy medium between staying and going, regardless of what some people think.

Just told my one brother that I am going to get through the holidays, then take a break from family. Have to focus on myself.

Good for you, @Jude!

Protect your mental health, girlie. I haven’t spoken to my mother in years, and it’s the single best thing I ever did for mine. It was a very difficult decision, but one I’ve never regretted. If just setting hard boundaries had worked with her, I wouldn’t have gone to this extreme, though. I tried that route for years, and I suggest you try it first, too. If it works in your situation, then you’ll have the best possible outcome.

I’m happy for you, @Jude, and I hope it’s the right decision for you. Now, if I could only figure out how to sever ties with my brother, without hurting my mother. Can you help me figure that one out? ugh

I agree @Jerv. I am just asking @Jude to be cautious before taking that step. I know from personal experience, even if it is the right step (and for me it has been), it isn’t an easy step. It has benefits and pitfalls. I do take and agree with your point though. I should qualify that I am not talking about taking a break. I am talking about making a complete break where you have nothing to do with your family from that point on.

@Bellatrix Whether a temporary hiatus or a permanent exodus is the right choice depends on the situation. The only contact I have had with my in-laws is occasionally checking the obituaries on the website for the local paper where they live to see if their names have shown up yet. For me, it was pretty easy simply because of what led up to the decision to sever all ties.
However, my situation is rather unique; they all are, so there is no universal answer. But I think we agree that at the end of the day, one has to make the decision that is right for them no matter how hard it is, do we not?

@WillWorkForChocolate The sad truth is that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Unless you can get your mother to understand why you are having difficulty with your brother and have her respect your stance, the only way to avoid hurting your mother is to put up with your brother.

I think I said right up the front of my response “I agree @jerv.” Each situation is unique.

@Bellatrix Sorry, long day… little foggy :D