Social Question

janbb's avatar

Should I accept this "gift"?

Asked by janbb (61069points) December 17th, 2011

As many of you know, I am newly single. I am trying to learn to stand on my own two feet. I am going on a trip this week and had booked a driver to take me to the airport. Last night a friend said she would drive me. I am worried about depending too much on “the kindness of strangers.” Also, is it unfair to the chauffeur to cancel the trip (he would still pick me up)? It would be nicer and cheaper to be driven. Your thoughts?

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29 Answers

bongo's avatar

It’s just a lift. I have given many of my friends lifts places just because it’s nice to do that for a friend sometimes. I wouldn’t expect anything in return, just their friendship. A chauffeur would surely understand that it’s nicer to get a lift off a friend, just make sure to tell them as soon as possible so that they aren’t risking turning other business down. I would say go for it. I think either way either side wouldn’t really mind what you do but surely it would be nicer to get a lift with a friend, you can chat to them and enjoy the journey more. If it was me, I would take the lift. If it was me offering the lift I wouldn’t be offended either way if you didn’t want to rely on me etc. and same if I was the chauffeur, so long as you inform the driver asap.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Take the lift from your friend, get the chauffeur for pick-up, and be delighted that you have kind friends. There’s a big difference between being whiny and dependent, and letting people help you out once in a while. Right now, Little Penguin, your friends want to do something. They’re feeling a bit helpless, and accepting the kindness would be a kindness. You’ve seen people go through what you’re going through, right? Remember how nice it felt to be able to do some little things for them?

bkcunningham's avatar

Having friends to lean on and to help “pick us up” is vitally important to getting through an emotionally turbulent time in our lives, @janbb. During some of my darkest times, I’ve insisted on doing things myself though. It was a feeling of freedom, maturity, empowerment and part of my healing. I think part of the grief process for me was a feeling of being a martyr at times. I finally found a balance.

Thankfully, my family and friends understood. Now, I imagine they were like a parent watching a child walk to the bus stop for the first time without the child realizing they were being shadowed.

If it will help you finacially, take your friend’s kind and generous offer. You aren’t the first person and you won’t be the last to cancel on the driver. If you need to use the driver as a step to move forward and prove something to yourself, thank your friend and tell them you will need them in the future and you’ll take a raincheck.

I sincerely hope you have a magical Christmas. Let the healing begin.

CWOTUS's avatar

Don’t give a second thought to the chauffeur; he’s in business, and he knows that business changes all the time: pickup and dropoff times change; trips get cancelled, sometimes at the last minute and itineraries change in all sorts of ways. Unless you have a deposit, or this really is a last-minute change and a cancellation charge applies, accept the ride from your friend.

Keep in mind that since it’s a friend doing the driving, you’ll probably have some obligation to engage in conversation, and the “newly single” aspect of your status might be of great interest to the friend. You might want to make a mental list of other topics to discuss, if you want to avoid that topic.

Coloma's avatar

It’s entirely up to you, but, part of being well balanced is the ability to give as well as receive from others. Not feeling good about accepting help from others is a sign that you do not feel worthy, and you are!
It really depends as @CWOTUS says, if you feel up to engaging in conversation, or would prefer to just sit back in silence and leave the driving to a chauffer

janbb's avatar

That all makes sense. I have another friend who offered to do all four of my upcoming drop offs and pick ups but she is a “rescuer” and I told her I would only accept her offer for one of the trips and use the driver for the other. That felt like infantalizing to me. But this is an offer for one way on one trip so I think it is ok to take it. Thanks for the advice!

Coloma's avatar


Yes, I was going to mention, but figured I’d get too long winded, haha that IF the friend in question is, as you mention, a rescuer, or, one of those “givers” with strings attached or “gives” for brownie points for their own self of self esteem, then, I wouldn’t accept.

Sounds like you’ve got a handle on it. Have a great holiday!

marinelife's avatar

I am glad that you have the offer of a lift from a friend. As long as you don’t start to call on her every time you need to go to the airport or “expect” her to take you, I don’t see any problem. Enjoy your trip!

SuperMouse's avatar

I vote for taking the ride. @JilltheTooth as is often the case articulated exactly what I was thinking, this friend probably appreciates the chance to be there for you in a way that is really helpful and meaningful to you. Enjoy your trip!

janbb's avatar

Just called and confirmed with the friend and cancelled with the limo.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@janbb : Did you remember to tell your friend that you’re bringing along a bunch of Jellies as well? Or should we get our own rides to the airport? ;-D

janbb's avatar

She might not like all the gelatinous goop in the car so better meet me at the gate.

JilltheTooth's avatar

We’ll be the ones in the colorful buckets. Look for us.

gailcalled's avatar

We single women of a certain age do these kinds of favors for each other all the time. It balances out.

I have been helping a friend who just has hand surgery and will be going, in mid-January, in for a partial knee replacement.

When my daughter and I had a flat tire and I was going to be carless for several crucial days, I called my friend to drive my daughter to the air point. She said “Sure.”

chyna's avatar

Take the lift from the friend. It’ll give you time to chat with her and it will be a pleasant start to your trip instead of sitting quietly with someone you don’t know.
Your friend offered because she cares and wants to take you.

janbb's avatar

Yup – agree. It is all new territory for me.

john65pennington's avatar

Divide the transport of yourself. Let the driver take you and your friend to pick you up on your return.

This is a win win situation.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Accept the offer. Get used to interacting with friends more and not seeing them as helpers or aids. I like @john65pennington‘s idea about asking her to pick you up rather than drop you off.

janbb's avatar

@Neizvestnaya Believe me, I interact with friends a lot and the point is that I don’t want to see them only as helpers or aids! That sounded a bit offensive to me – sorry.

John’s idea is a good one but since the offer was for the drop-off, I am not going to negotiate it.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@janbb: I didn’t mean to be offensive but I did read your post to mean you had a concern not to feel you were relying on your friends. I won’t bother to add anything else.

janbb's avatar

OK – got it.

SmashTheState's avatar

I make it a personal policy to always give drivers gas money. It doesn’t matter how good a friend they are, it doesn’t matter how little money I have or how much they have. I always give them at least $2, even for short trips. This has a two-fold effect: (1) It prevents me from taking advantage of them, forcing me to ask whether the trip is worth the cost I’ll be paying; if it’s not worth $2, then why am I asking this person to spend money on gas, maintenance, and insurance (and risk wreck or injury) to take me somewhere? (2) It solves the practical problem people with cars have of being everyone’s taxi service. $2 probably doesn’t cover the actual cost of the trip, but it is likely to help offset the cost of gas, at the least, and allows them to know they’re not being taken for granted.

janbb's avatar

Yes – I thought I would offer gas money.

gailcalled's avatar

If you are choosing, have your friend drop you off and take a car or limo service home fro the airport.

Drop-off is straight-forward (just drop off) but picking up may mean late or delayed flights, waiting for you to get baggage and being forced to drive around and around for a long time.

janbb's avatar

Makes sense – in any case, drop-off is what was on offer.

gailcalled's avatar

Smart friend.

CWOTUS's avatar

Truly. The drop-off is easy. Pickups can be a bitch.

OpryLeigh's avatar

It’s just a lift. You’re thinking too much. I don’t only offer lifts to friends of mine that are newly single, if I know someone needs a lift and I can help then I would happily save them the expense of a taxi/driver, regardless of their relationship status.

augustlan's avatar

Got here late, but I’m glad you’ve accepted the ride. Enjoy your trip!

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