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iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

Is it wrong to stay in a relationship if you're not completely sure about love?

Asked by iLuvMuddyBuddies (59points) December 19th, 2011

I don’t feel that intensity, butterflies, or that rush you get with them when you’re super happy or super sad. Things are comfortable and great but there’s no adrenaline, no fights, and my partner is passive aggressive. Last time my partner was less affectionate and kind of ignored me when we disagreed on something but rather than confronting it, my babe ignored it and it made me sad.

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44 Answers

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

O yea and we been together 5 months.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Love is not a feeling. Love is a selfless commitment based in truth, no matter how frightening that truth may be.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

Am I wrong to think love equals infatuation+comfort? I only feel the comfort and actions but not the infatuation. My exes there was always a big rush of highs and lows. If that’s your definition of love, our actions have showed it we love each other BUT there’s no intense feeling of that rush, get it? I seldom feel that rush, just some of the time which is a natural high.

How do I get my partner to not be passive aggressive and ignore the issues??? My babe will seem okay but deep down I know is angry and after a while the anger is gone…and I don’t think it’s healthy that we don’t talk about it. Other than that we never fight really

glenjamin's avatar

If there’s no butterflies after only 5 months, I would get out of it. It’s not a question of whether it’s wrong, but whether it’s right for you…. Why would you want to make yourself a prisoner to a fruitless relationship?

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

@Glenjamin, there were tons of butterflies, and it slowly died down to some of the time. I don’t get butterflies now, it doesn’t happen all the time. I guess I got used to it? Don’t get me wrong, when I see my babe I’m happy.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“Love is the ability and willingness to let those that you care for do what they want without any insistence that they satisfy you”.
Wayne Dyer, Eroneous Zones

The Greeks had five different types of love.

The Hindu’s have over 70 different types of love.

glenjamin's avatar

In every relationship the fire dies down to an extent. but after only 5 months – this seems a really short time for things to slow down imho.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

RealEyesRealizeRealLies, so what should I do? I don’t wanna leave my partner but a few people told me I should love by now and that if I’m unsure it’s not right and unfair.

Facade's avatar

It depends on your age and what you want out of a relationship. If you want butterflies, go search for butterflies.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

@iLuvMuddyBuddies “How do I get my partner to not be passive aggressive and ignore the issues???”

Love isn’t about getting someone to act a certain way. Love is accepting that they are a certain way… and appreciating the way they are, rather than how you want them to be.

nikipedia's avatar

You can have whatever kind of relationship you want with this person as long as you’re honest with each other and with yourself. Not every relationship needs butterflies.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

RealEyesRealizeRealLies, so you think it’s healthy for an issue to not be addressed?

smilingheart1's avatar

B.J. Thomas had song lyrics “Hooked on a Feeling” (don’t be like that). He also had lyrics that stated “A little bit of love is better than no love.” That is called settling.

@iLuvMuddyBuddies, I have come to believe that after all the decades of our lives have come and gone and we have had one or more serious relationships that either led to marriage or didn’t, the final way we will have looked at our lives is did these individuals become good ole’ tried and true friends. I think a wonderful, emotionally close, physically intimate marriage produces two great FRIENDS. No matter if a relationship starts out hotter than a pepper sprout, it generally at its best melds the two together in an indissoluble bond.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

The issue was addressed. You just didn’t like how it was addressed. If you love her, then let her be, without forcing her to address the issue on your terms.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

Haha, what makes you think my partner is a her? Just curious.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Doesn’t matter…

1 Corinthians 13:4–8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails.

marinelife's avatar

1. You don’t feel that you really love your partner.

2. Your partner is passive aggressive.

3. You and your partner do not really communicate.

Sounds like a recipe for breaking up.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

Honestly, RealEyes….from the bible my relationship is just that. My other relationships weren’t that but the feeling I can’t help but feel that is love. People say love is action but I feel it is more of a feeling.

@MarineLife, that doesn’t help me out at all. I don’t want to lose my partner. Rather than feeling me my relationship is going to fail, I’d rather get advice and what would be the right thing to do.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Love is not a feeling. Feelings change.

Circular… good luck and goodbye.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

Circular?
Perhaps, those relationships wasn’t love after all.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

What does that mean?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Those butterflies that you’re concerned about not having can sure make one do some REALLY stupid stuff. They’re fake anyway, they go away and I wouldn’t be concerned about that at all.

wundayatta's avatar

I think you may not have asked the question you really meant to ask. I don’t think you really want a moral judgement about whether to stay in this relationship or not. I think what you really want are suggestions about how to deal with a problem you are experiencing.

It sounds like you are experiencing your lover to be a little bit passive aggressive in his responses. I don’t know what the issue is, but it probably doesn’t matter that much. The point is that he is being a bit conflict avoidant. Instead of discussing the problem with you out in the open, he is avoiding the discussion for any number of reasons.

Most of us don’t know how to deal with conflict gracefully. Every conflict, no matter how small, starts to seem like a deal-breaker discussion. We have this idea that we must agree, or if we don’t, the relationship is over. Further, we seem to act as if there is some huge thing wrong if we are made out to be wrong by our partner. It can be very difficult to discuss our issues in problem solving mode. Instead they become win or lose issues, with all the loss of face associated in such a situation.

What you need to is to learn a number of things, including courage to force yourselves to tell your partners to their faces what your real feelings are. Without shame. Without blame. You have to learn to argue without making the other person right or wrong as a way of winning the argument. Once it becomes an issue of right and wrong, we’re screwed. You can’t back down from that. It becomes a moral issue.

The trick of a relationship is to never make an issue into a moral issue between you, unless you are prepared to go to the mat for it—i.e., let it be a relationship-ender. Almost no issue to get to that point. But most of us don’t know how to do that. So if you guys can learn to talk about things on the merits of the issue, not on your need to be right, the stakes go way down, and you don’t have to avoid conflict because there isn’t so much at stake.

There really should be classes in this for every couple. So many stupid fights and needless conflicts could probably be avoided.

Anyway, I’d figure out how to defuse things so you can talk about them. If you want, you can sign up for my next relationship workshop… lol. Just kidding. I don’t have any. But someone should.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

No, many relationships are about being excited being together, not sure but maybe hoping the people will fall in love with each other. It’s only wrong if you’ve said you’re in love with your partner and their security and future involvement with you is based on that.

janbb's avatar

After five months and this unhappy with it, why stay? You don’t want to be saying the same story in 40 years from now.

Coloma's avatar

The most “loving” thing someone can do for another is set them free to be themselves.
Serious personality issues aside.
Passive aggressive behavior is extremely damaging and unproductive.
If you’ve already lost your loving feelings and are dealing with PA behaviors after only 5 months, I;d say the “relationship” or whatever you might call it, is well on it’s way to the bone yard.

It takes TWO healthy and relatively “enlightened” humans to even come close to anything called by the name of “love” as @RealEyesRealizeRealLies describes.

zenvelo's avatar

I pick out a couple of things to think about:

1. Your partner is passive aggressive. That has to be discussed full on out in the open, or it will drive you crazy and your partner will consider himself blameless.

2. You have an expectation of infatuation, but infatuation just about always fades or matures into a deeper, stronger love. But I’ll ask you, how do you feel when your partner comes to see you? Do you get excited or happy, or do you get a feeling of dread? When most people see their partner, they smile!

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

Janbb, I’m not unhappy…when did I say I’m unhappy? I just said I’m unsure about love!

We haven’t lost public affection. We’re still good on that. I don’t know where people are getting this from lol. We are still very touchy feely in public but not to the point where you gross others.

@Zenvelo, when I see my partner I get very smiley and all I want to do is just be lazy with them and lay down on the couch but we end up going to the gym together or doing something fun we haven’t done. But after three days of spending together when we’re off on weekends it’s not as giggly and doesn’t have as strong affect. But I do notice a big affect on me being really happy when I haven’t seen my partner in a day or so.

janbb's avatar

@iLuvMuddyBuddies You’re right you didn’t say you were unhappy, but if it were me, I would want to be more excited if only 5 months into a relationship and you do seem to be questioning that. Also, passive-aggressive behavior is unlikely to change so that is a red flag to me. But hey – it’s your life.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

5 months of a relationship and 7 months of “dating” unofficially. I forgot to add that. So it’d be over a year if you include that. We haven’t seen any other people while the 7 months though.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Wrong or right is really up to you and your feelings. If you want to see if some spark can come back, try something out of the ordinary, such as a different type of date than you usually do or a weekend away.

As far as the passive aggressive behavior, that’s something that you can really do anything about. You can try talking about it and suggest therapy, but that’s something your SO has to work on.

Overall, you need to decide if this is the relationship you want for yourself, based on how things are now. You can’t count on things changing, so if this isn’t what you want, you may need to move on.

glenjamin's avatar

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is are you, by staying with this person, going to regret not pursuing other opportunities to be with someone else, someone you might be more sure about love with. If you are content with the status quo, then stick with it. If love is something very important to you then the answer should be apparent.

glenjamin's avatar

also, love is 3 parts in the psychological sense, passion, commitment, and companionship. There should be a balance of the 3. Absolute absence of one of the 3 is a red flag but if all 3 are present and there is a mix then it is salvageable.

john65pennington's avatar

My answer is short.

If you do not have that tingling in your toes

If you do not want to be with this person all the time

If you are willing to compromise in a given situation and vice versa

If you cannot look at this person and feel honored that you have won the top prize

If you cannot accept all the good and bad faults that exist

If your heart does not do a double take when you are with this person

If you are not proud to be with and display your partner to the rest of the world

And, if you cannot look this person straight in the eyes and see their soul

Then yes…...............you are missing out on the main ingredients for a good relationship and marriage.

marinelife's avatar

@iLuvMuddyBuddies I was providing advice. Why are you settling for less in a relationship that real love? Why are you continuing to deal with a passive-aggressive partner? By your own testimony, your relationship is not good. Why keep going in it?

Dutchess_III's avatar

The way the OP said this sentence “Things are comfortable and great but there‚Äôs no adrenaline, no fights, and my partner is passive aggressive” makes me wonder if she understands that passive aggressiveness is a BAD thing….

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

@DutchessDid you not see that I asked how to deal with a passive aggressive partner??

@MarineLife, BECAUSE I don’t think it’s right to give up on a relationship after a while just because I am not sure whether it is real love or not! This person makes me happy, brings great things to the relationship, makes my life better. When I’m with this person my issues and worries go away when I am with them. It’s just I don’t know if I for sure love this person, how can anyone really know?

marinelife's avatar

@iLuvMuddyBuddies You know. When you care more for the welfare and well-being of your partner, you love them. Is it even fair to make your partner settle for not being loved?

Why should you settle? A relationship without a spark is not likely to go the distance. Better to break up now after five months.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

You keep saying I’m settling but I don’t feel like I am. I have other options you know but I’m NOT interested in them. My partner hasn’t even told me they love me yet. I dont’ know if it is out of fear or out of uncertainty because well, my partner has always been afraid to ask me out, make a first move, etc.

If you ready earlier in what I read, I think I mentioned somewhere where when I see my partner for the first time in a day (whether they were at work all day and I finally get to see them) or two days I get really happy and smiley to the point where it hurts my face. But after spending 3–4 days 24/7 with each other of our free time I don’t feel it anymore and I’m not sure if it’s normal to feel that way. I thought couples would always wanna be around each other. Dont’ get me wrong, although the giddyness is gone after spending a lot of time together, I get comfortable and turn down many other options to stay with my partner but I do think it’s healthy to have your own life.

janbb's avatar

…yeah, well, whatever. I’m not sure what you want us to say….

marinelife's avatar

@iLuvMuddyBuddies I love every minute of time with my husband. I do not ever get tired of having him around. He is my best friend, but he still can make me all tingly inside. I love him more than anyone or anything.

I am saying that you deserve that feeling too. Since you asked this question about your doubts and the problems in your relationship, you have done nothing but be defensive. I am not sure what you are looking for? Validation that your relationship is not so bad? It is bad.

iLuvMuddyBuddies's avatar

It’s just that with different couples they say they love their spouse but they don’t always have that spark/tingly feeling so I don’t know what to tell you.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@iLuvMuddyBuddies How old are you? It could just be that it’s too early to say you are in love or not yet. Same for your partner. Infatuation wears off after time and that’s when you find out if you love the person or not. If you really want to stay in the relationship, that’s your call. If you feel like it’s a good relationship, then maybe you just need to do some things to regain that spark. Personally, I think it’s early for the spark to be wearing off for your relationship, but it does happen for some couples at various stages of their relationship.

Personally, I think it would be wrong to stay once you know for sure you don’t love your partner because both of you should be in a loving relationship with people who love you and who you can love. Since you are still trying to figure out if you love your partner or not, you may just need more time.

chelle21689's avatar

don’t let go

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