A friend and life-long colleague is accused of child molestation and they quit work. How do you relate to them after that?

Well, an accusation is different than actual evidence or him admitting it, but I guess we’re assuming he most likely did it since there were multiple accusations. I would try to contact him, and let him know that I would genuinely want to talk with him without judgment.

I would have questions, but if it’s a lifelong friend and I legitimately think this is something they couldn’t have possibly done… then I side with them on the matter until proof convinces me otherwise.

I can understand why he/she may want to leave work. I mean if you’ve known them for 40 years that suggests it’s an older person, probably near retirement already (maybe just padding the funds a bit). In today’s world just being accused of child molestation is as bad as actually doing it… Why deal with all the crap?

No.
I really try to give everyone a chance, but child molesters are scum. Multiple accusations, to me, indicates guilt. I imagine you’d either have to be a real douchebag, or surround yourself with real douchebags, for multiple people to make something like that up. I’ve never hesitated to wash my hands of people like this, regardless of how long I’ve known them, or how surprised I am to hear it.

Disgusts me.

I Lived here when this happened
So many lives were destroyed by false accusations and an over zealous Sheriff and Prosecutor. The sad truth is that the police lost a lot of credibility for me when it comes to child abuse. I need more than a kids testimony because I don’t know if they were coached.

Some of the most well respected people have some pretty moldy skeletons in their closet. The old ” you can’t judge a book by it’s cover” holds true.
I agree with the “multiples” of accusation.

ONE accusation might be untrue, but multiples are highly suspect.

I’d say that the proof is in the pudding, if this person has completely vanished and is not attempting to explain, deny, confess, or otherwise share with those they were supposedly close to, I’d say the hiding and shame factor indicates guilt.

A truly innocent person would be going ballistic in self defense of such lurid accusations.
To simply slither away into a space of obscurity kinda tells me they are guilty.

I’d leave it alone, and while I can have some empathy for this persons unwellness, the victims of others fuck ups are always where my loyalties will rest.

It’s interesting reading a colleague try to make sense out of this.

The guy who is being accused (but who can never defend himself in court) reached out to a journalist he thought might be sympathetic:

In e-mail messages to Daulerio, Conlin derided his accusers as “late middle-aged women” who decided it was “Sandusky time,” a reference to former Pennsylvania State University coach Jerry Sandusky, who is charged with sexually abusing boys.

“I’m a lot bigger to the Daily News than Sandusky ever was to Penn State,” he wrote. And yet, Daulerio wrote, Conlin feared the loss of his career.

“They can toss my good name out there while alleging a crime that was never charged?” Conlin wrote. “F- that.”

Nowhere in the e-mail exchange did Conlin deny that any abuse occurred.

I am tempted to think as @ANef_is_Enuf does. If there are multiple independent accusations that say the same thing, and others crawl out of the woodwork, then it seems like it is probably true.

But I’m left wondering how does my friend do this? Why? What is going on? What went wrong? Is my friend mentally ill in some way? Or is this a moral defect, and I just didn’t recognize it?

I know people who do a lot of different things, sexually speaking, with adults that most people disapprove of. What makes a person give themselves permission to engage in sex or sexually-related activity with kids? Is is a kind of immaturity? Is it lack of self-control? Is there something wrong in their brains? Or is sex with children a natural part of being a human? Maybe they just lack self-control? Maybe they are just uncivilized?

It’s going to depend on the evidence. I’ve never had a close associate be accused in such a way (or in any way close to that), so it’s hard to know exactly what my reaction would be. But I’ve read enough stories of false accusation (including multiple accusations) that it would take more than an accusation to convince me of guilt.

Call him and ask if he’d like to go to lunch and talk. You may find out he’s completely innocent. Multiple accusations doe not make one guilty. And Look at the McManus(?) case in Southern California where a nursery school staff was accused and ruined. Later they found that the stories the children were telling were untrue.

This question reminds me of a train that been operating for many years, without a train-related accident. Then, a huge auto-train accident occurs and people are killed and property lost.

This is how I feel about your question and so-called friend.

Its like a bad cop of many years. One day he is finally caught violating the law. No one wants to be his friend anymore, simply because of the trust the people and his fellow officers had bestowed in him.

If it were me, my ties with this person would be severed. Many different people cannot be wrong in their accusations.

I would look hard at the accusations, the circumstances, the stories attached to each. I would then contact him and see how he’s doing. Then I would want to, at a later time (a month, a few months?) sit down and have a real chat and see his side of the story. Then I would make my determination. I would not cut him off immediately without considering all of the above.

I’m going to mull this over, @wundayatta, and reply later.

My only experience with a known child molester was with someone who was clearly mentally ill. I would interact with him (when he was somewhat coherent) in a cordial and firm/detached manner. I made it very clear to him that he was not to ever be alone with my son, or to talk to him without me present.

He gave off a dungy, dirty, street, mentally ill vibe that kept most people away. He believed that God spoke to him and that he had some bizarre mission to perform in his lifetime.

I struggled a lot with how to interact with him. I thought about him, my reaction to him and other’s reactions to him a lot.

Knowing how much I thought about these things, I think my thoughts would be a lot like the questions you asked in your details. I’m going to think more about what my answers to those questions would be, though.

Also, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have found it very difficult to see someone in a certain light and then be provided with evidence to the contrary.

@Cupcake Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. This is based on a news story. Not something I am personally experiencing.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. Having actually been in a similar situation, but not as easy, this is what I did, and how I looked at it, which surely will roast some people’s tookus.
How do you process this? You proceed with the person as you always had. In my case I know he did it, and he admitted he did it. If you had a well relationship prior to the news breaking, did the discovery all of a sudden make them grow fangs and a tail or some other trait like that? If not, you treat them as the person you knew the day before.

Do you reach out to the person? If they appear they want to be, I do. If they want their space, I give it to them.

If so, for what purpose? Does there need be any other purpose is that is a friend or person you are close to, personally or professionally?

Do you want to know why? If it is the distant past when the person before me today was different, why would I need to know. The past is in the past. Don’t keep looking over ones shoulder, when they should be staring down the road.

*_Would you expect them to admit it if they did it? If you don’t expect them to admit it, even if true, how do you explain what they did to yourself? I would not expect them to admit it, nor care if they did or not. If it were true, but they didn’t admit it, (giving current climate I would see why), I might see it, is that they suffered some form of pedophilia, and it got the best of them, same as lushes let alcohol get the better of them, or like other sexual peculiarities. Only that one society isn’t socially down with or accepting of. Not like one can turn it one or off.

Was there some lapse in your judgment of people? Why would it? How would that be any worse than discovering a person I know, and were on friendly terms with was a thief, drug addict, lush, etc? I can only deal with people in the present, I can’t control their past. That bell has already rang, and no one can un-ring it.

Should you have been able to know? How would one do that? Should I know the person I see as a close friend will end up being a dope fiend and ripping me off blind when I go on vacation? One more than likely never know whom anyone they know will turn out to be really.

Was this crime perhaps an understandable one? It is, but most never look deep enough into it to even have an inkling what they are really dealing with, and how. Rage blinds any understanding that could be found or learned from it.

Is there some darkness in all of us that is closer than we want to admit? Are we all a bit closer to an evil like this than we want to think? If it were not for certain forces in the world man would have consumed himself long ago. Everyone wants to think of themselves as “good people”, but on the right situation, even the most devout church going people can turn into a murderous mob. Just look at the US South back between the 1920 -1960s. I believe there is evil, but from a secular stance, evil is just another word for “what we don’t really like”, nothing more.

Does knowing this person give you any better of an idea about what leads people to engage in this kind of molestation? Or do you wipe them out of your mind and acquaintance once you see what they are capable of? Knowing the person doesn’t, knowing what he/she has does. The person I knew told me why he thought he was as he was, but there is no telling if it were true. Like sociopaths, etc, how you are wired is pretty much that. I don’t think you can breed pedophilia into anyone, if you have it, there is a trigger. Some people can not bite, and other’s can’t avoid it. Can you understand why a person would commit suicide, or murder a spouse just because you knew them, or they were friends? If that is a demon they are fighting that is when they need me as a friend more, to help them deal with it, control it, and manage what triggers it. If I felt someone was suicide prone, do I step away to lessen my feelings about what they might do, or how I might perceive them because they want to end their life than fight for it?

There are many reasons why people do what they do, but, there are also consequences. Lapse in judgment, mental illness, brain chemistry issues, personality disorders, sociopathology,greed, power, control, sadism, “evil”, it matters not.

I don’t care what the deal is with someone, it might be interesting or make someone feel better in trying to make sense of some bullshit deed to find some nice little label to explain away someones motives, but, it matters not.

Molest a child, murder someone, rape, steal, burn $100 bills in your basement, defraud investors..whatever…bottom line, if you’re caught, your gonna pay, ante up.

@Judi There is a major difference between what happened in the 80’s (which I remember clearly) and the situation @wundayatta is asking about. That situation in Ca came about because they were able to brainwash about a zillion children into saying the same things. It sounds like any victims in @wundayatta are now adults and coming forward voluntarily. Just that makes me feel that there might be something more to it.
But then again, I’d like to know who the accusers are and if they have some sort of grudge against the person they are accusing that would cause them to make shit up.

@Dutchess_III He is saying they do have a grudge. He says they are all from a branch of the family that holds a grudge against him.

Oh. Then I’d have to reach out to my friend, get a feel for his side.
I would have a very hard time staying in my job with those kinds of rumors floating around, even if they weren’t true.

I have seen too many people’s lives destroyed by gossip and false accusations of child abuse. The story as you tell it at this point, is NOTHING MORE THAN GOSSIP! A similar thing happened to my mother when she was 13. She was innocent, and she never got over it.

It’s happening again to someone close to me, not about child abuse, but gossip is gossip nevertheless. As with all gossip, there is a small bit if truth mixed in with a lot of lies, but the national news agencies picked up our story and ran it as truth.

Try doing a Google search for “False allegations of child abuse” and see how very many websites come up. Try another search for stats on false allegations of child abuse in your state, and find out what happens to the kids who were removed from their parents arms for no reason. There is no more effective way to derail a career, to bully, to destroy a person or to destroy a family than gossip!

If this happened years ago, and it’s past the statute of limitations, but there is no evidence of it happening now, it’s likely that it never did happen! The reason why is that pedophiles just don’t stop molesting by themselves! Please, folks, don’t make snap judgements until a JUDGE decides the matter!

I am not sure what I would do if this happened to me, but if this happened to you, I don’t think you should blame yourself. It’s not your fault.

I used to have a neighbour who showed his penis to at least one of my sisters and me. We didn’t want to tell our parents because we felt they wouldn’t believe us. It was later found out that this guy would take videos of girls showering in his home. I forget if that was before or after swimming, but whatever.

How were my parents to know? I’ve learned that my Mom had her suspicions about his intentions because she realized he seemed more interested in hanging out with her daughters (us) than her sons, but my Dad just viewed him as a friendly guy who wanted to help out around the house. That neighbour was always willing to lend a hand when one was needed around the home. He also seemed to offer fun things for us (my father’s children) to do like going swimming, etc. My Dad is, of course, a trustworthy guy and prefers not to judge people negatively without proof, so he ignored my mother’s suspicions and blindly trusted this man he never should have.

We have since told him about the old neighbour’s penis thing in the garage when he wasn’t there and he told us we should have told him that a long time ago and that he would have believed us… and never let that guy near us again. How foolish were we to feel that our own father would trust this man over us… his own children…?

Would I expect my old neighbour to ever admit to this? No, but I am grateful he did not seem to do anything more with my siblings and me. I can live with that… and besides, the police know about him. That makes me feel better, too.

Do I think my Dad should blame himself for trusting the guy? Absolutely not.

Am I grateful he does not contact the man anymore? Yes.

It is the feelings of the children who have been affected by this that need to be acknowledged… and the children who need to be cared for. Why give sympathy to the person who took advantage of a child’s innocence? An adult who should know better than to take advantage of a child’s vulnerability? What say does the child have?

Now, if you’re not sure if what you’re hearing is absolutely fact, it’s probably best to just stay out of it.. and if you do talk to the person, talk about other things that have nothing to do with children.

This is a hard one. It’s either true or it isn’t… but how can you know? It’s not easy to say, really… but yes, it’s totally possible for someone who seems nice.. and kind… and harmless… who may even have an excellent reputation… to be someone who takes advantage of young children in private. Totally possible.

The closest I’ve come to this is a fellow employee (a man I’ve barely even met, much less worked with much, and in no way a friend) is suspected of having murdered his ex-wife. (That is, she was murdered – established fact – and the evidence that has so far been made public indicates that he’s the most likely suspect.)

It’s hard to be objective any more, based on what has been published in the newspaper. It must be difficult to be one of his close friends… or one of his kids.

^ Denial and excuses can go a long way.

Hopefully this personal story can explain what I mean:

I have an ex-boyfriend who sexually assaulted me on more than one occasion and that does not seem to stop anyone from wanting to associate with him or severing ties outside of the people who truly care about me 100% and know he’s done that. It seems like maybe they live in denial or something? Or convinced themselves it’s not that bad? To be fair, I’ve done the same… but yeah.

I’ve heard things like “If you just said ‘No’, he would have stopped.” Bullshit. I said “No”, several times… both through words and body language. He didn’t stop. I’ve begged for him to let me go home, but he’d physically restrain me so that I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried to get out of his arms. They say I should have left, but it’s like they don’t understand what it’s like to be coerced into staying. They say I should have been more “forceful”, but just how “forceful” can you be when you’re frightened to the point that it’s too hard for you to even speak and the other person is a hundred times stronger than you?

It’s like they want to give him every excuse in the book to convince themselves that he’s really the alright guy that they know who would never have done what he did if I’d just said “No”. But like I said, to be fair, I’ve done the same. I wanted to believe he was perfect, too.

I’d build him up constantly… say how perfect he was… and what a perfect boyfriend he was… but it was to only make myself feel better about staying… and other people would tell me I was lucky. I felt I should consider myself lucky because other people told me I was, so I’d end up feeling guilty and like crap for ever feeling shitty while we were alone together. I felt like I must be the problem if his friends thought I was lucky. As a result, since I kept a lot to myself, they mostly had no idea how he treated me in private (I hadn’t told them ‘cause I felt like they wouldn’t believe me)... but I ended up fessing up later when my Dad was worried about me as he felt I was killing myself slowly. He knew something was bothering me and he found a way to get it out of me.

Now, my ex has friends who know (I’d considered them friends as well)... but they act like it didn’t happen. Actually, it seems like they’ve distanced themselves from me and have become closer friends with him now. It hurts a lot more than I let on.

I have confronted him about it, which was a foolish move, and he dismissed my feelings about our past at that point. He called me retarded, told me he wouldn’t have spent so much money on me if he didn’t love me (that I had never asked him to spend in the first place), and that he doesn’t want to be visited from ghosts from the past. He also told me he was sorry if that’s what I wanted to hear.

So, yeah…

Denial, denial, denial. It seems like people find it safer to pretend things like this never happened because it makes their lives easier to live. If they act like it never happened, they don’t have to deal with wondering why it did. They can build up their own fantasies about their friend.

Can I blame them?

No… Absolutely not…

I know what that’s like… because I spent a great deal of time blaming myself… and pretending this guy was perfect, too.

And that may be exactly why he found his behaviour so easy to get away with…

He didn’t have to make excuses.

Other people made them for him.