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maria123's avatar

My boyfriends doesnt like to go out?

Asked by maria123 (4points) May 18th, 2008

basically..have beenwithboyfriend for a year and a half,we get on amazingly,have few arguments but feel as though we are really close. ive always liked going out to clubs and at the start,even though he didnt really like going out,we went out about 3 times a week.he said he did this becausehe wanted to make mehappy. now hes said he doesnt want to go out anymore..onlywhen theres agood night on.i askedhim why hes suddenly said this and he says that it because hes done it for too long and just cantdo itanymore.i thought it might be because he doesnt have the samefeelings for meashe used to.hesays that thisisnot the case.he still cares about me as much as he always hasdone but just doesnt like going out and feelslike hesdone it too much. imnot sure how to feel about this!ireally care about himbut dont really understand why he did it before but wont anymore.

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9 Answers

wildflower's avatar

First of all: is your spacebar broken?
Secondly, I don’t see why his wanting to go out or not should have anything to do with how he feels about you. Going out is a matter of being around others. Do you read his wanting to be around friends as an indicator of whether he wants to be with you or not?

I used to live for going out. 7 times a week if I could. At some point I just started feeling the urge for bars and music less and less. I kinda figured it’s to do with getting older and reaching that stage when you consider the consequences of a night out (hangover and cost) before deciding if it’s worth it. At this stage I far prefer house parties or just a few friends around for drinks and fun to going out.
Maybe this is what he’s feeling.

maria123's avatar

thanks for answering. i know deep down i think that he does still care about me..i think i just panic that his feelings will go. and i really dont want things to change between us.i guess maybe its stupid but i feel that before he would go out because he wanted me to be happy and i feel that maybe he just doesnt care anymore..maybe this is just me being paranoid though. i just dont want us to lose the amazing times weve had and get boring.

wildflower's avatar

It’s possible he doesn’t want to go out – even to make you happy – because he really doesn’t want to and realises that if he forces himself to go along, he won’t make you happy because he’ll be grumpy and you’ll notice it.

Besides, it’s healthy to have separate activities. So you go out with your friends and leave time with your boyfriend as quality time with your boyfriend.

skfinkel's avatar

People are different in what they like. It was nice of him to go out with you in the beginning of your relationship, but it sounds like he is now comfortable and secure, and doesn’t need to do things just to make you happy. But in reality, it is you who have to do things that make you happy. Dragging people to events they don’t want to go to is bad for all partieis involved.

I suggest you simply develop and maintain friends who like to do some of the things you do, and spend the time with your boyfriend doing things that the two of you like to do.

If you want to develop a permanent relationship with him, you have to expect that nothing will change, and your life will be like this. So, you can start working on having the life you want now.

kevbo's avatar

I think this is normal for guys. As Paul Reiser’s character in “Mad About You” says, “Wooing is exhausting. You woo and woo and woo, and then you have to say ‘whoa!’”

sfinkel’s right. It’s not going to go back to the way it was, but if you give him some time and space, you’ll probably get back a percentage of what it was. If you don’t already, try indulging his not-wanting-to-go-out-ness for a little while by creatively catering to it, and then down the road leverage that into a night out every so often. Again, you’ll need to expect a lot less going forward.

marinelife's avatar

In the “honeymoon” stage of a relationship both people do things they don’t normally do to make the other person happy. His not liking clubbing has nothing to do with you. Another way to look at it is that he now feels comfortable enough with you to share the fact that he detests clubbing and can’t do it long term even for you!

The question for you is do you care enough for him to stay with him knowing he will not go clubbing—ever. If he is OK with you going without him, go with girlfriends. But also make equal or more time to do things with him.

This can work. Best of luck with it.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

My gf always wants to go out. I’m a home body type of person. I like to make it a blockbuster night, cuddle in bed, make love type of person. :) she use to complain to me and her friends that I never take her out but I do. I sometimes never felt appreciated for the time we did spend out. I’m not saying you don’t show appreciation but sometimes its a compromise between UFC Fight Night and going to the opera.

Go out with some friends then he’ll start missing you and wanting to tag along more.

scamp's avatar

There’s a very nice young man in this thread we should hook you up with. That is just a bit of a tease because he has a similar problem with his girlfriend.

To be more serious and answer your question, he spent quite some time going out to make you happy, so now it’s your turn to stay in and respect his wishes. I think you just kind of wore out a good thing by doing it so much. Stay in and enjoy some quiet evenings with him. Then compromise together and go out once in awhile, not several times per week. I bet once he doesn’t feel pressured into taking you out so much, he will be able to enjoy it again.

Love isn’t just about what you do together. It’s how you are together that counts.

Bri_L's avatar

@ kevbo – Nice reference to a great show (for the first 2/3 of it anyway)

Its funny. My wife always gives me a difficult time about never wanting to go out. I always resist then when we do I always have a great time. That was be fore kids. Now we go out once a year on our anniversary.

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