Social Question

Charles's avatar

Is getting lap dances cheating?

Asked by Charles (4815points) December 31st, 2011

If a guy is dating someone exclusively or married, is it ok for him to go to a strip club and get a lap dance? For those of you who have not been to a strip club, not only does a lap dance consist of a naked woman gyrating in front of the guy but they often touch the guy all over and the guy can often touch/lick/fondle the girl, as well.

What about bachelor parties? If the groom’s friends get him strippers and they are naked, grinding on him, touching, etc. is this ok?

What about looking at porn?

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26 Answers

downtide's avatar

Only the guy’s wife/girlfriend can answer this question as everyone’s opinions are different. If SHE thinks it’s cheating, then it’s cheating. If she doesn’t, it’s not.

Aethelflaed's avatar

It depends on the exact parameters of each specific relationship. If the partner feels it’s cheating, and has communicated that in the past, then it is. If the partner has no problem with it, then it isn’t.

Also, most strip clubs actually have a “no touching” rule, including lap dances, though many clubs don’t enforce them unless the dancer wants them to be (because dancers can make more money if they allow touching). But it’s really not safe to assume that a man who got a lap dance touched a dancer, or that you can touch a dancer at a strip club.

Coloma's avatar

I think it’s a slippery slope and especially if it is is on the sly, the guy is sneaking around and not being honest with his partner about his extra curricular activities.

I don’t agree with getting your arousal outside the relationship and then going home to masturbate on your partner.

If it is discussed and the partner is okay with it, that’s one thing, but, otherwise, yes, I do think it is as close to cheating as a guy can get, just short of.

mollypop51797's avatar

I agree with @downtide, I would hope that my husband doesn’t do that behind my back because those are my standards. However, it is also important to distinguish a difference between going to a bachelor party and going for pleasure.

In one case, the man is intentionally going to a strip club knowing that these things will happen to him. During a lap dance, if he chooses to fondle the woman back then I would consider that too to be intention. Looking at porn may also be intention.

However, going to bachelor parties to celebrate someone else where there will be strippers is another story. You are going for the bachelor, not the strippers. (If you’re going for the strippers, then that’s another day)

In the end, it all depends on your wife or significant other’s standards. But if she gives you a man week to whatever you want then so be it.

digitalimpression's avatar

The standard cliche usually works: If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer.

XOIIO's avatar

@digitalimpression Exactly what I was going to say.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Yes, I think it’s a form of cheating. I would be upset if I knew my husband had gone off to a strip club with “the guys” and gotten a lap dance. That being said, if we went to a strip club together and we both got a lap dance, I would be fine with that.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

That behavior is just fine for anyone who desires it. If my SO desires it, then they will no longer be my SO. No arguments, no discussion, no promises or attempts at changing anyone. Buh Bye!

john65pennington's avatar

President Bill Clinton did not think this was cheating.

linguaphile's avatar

I don’t agree with getting your arousal outside the relationship and then going home to masturbate on your partner.
No arguments, no discussion, no promises or attempts at changing anyone. Buh Bye!
I agree.

I’m completely for consenting adults doing what they want to do. However, for me, I don’t enjoy lapdances, going to strip clubs or porn. I get nauseated when I see the… not sure how to define it… but the type of sexuality that is expressed. It feels desperate and hopeless and I don’t get a good feeling when I am exposed to that kind of sexuality. It just doesn’t rock my boat. So, if my SO/partner participates in it, I feel like that vibe somehow will transfer onto me and that it takes away from the inherent value of the relationship.

That’s not to say I’m prudish—I love Robert Mapplethorpe’s work and style—I could look at those for hours. I have other ways to appreciate sexuality.

Kardamom's avatar

It’s not much different than it would be if the husband was dry humping the next door neighbor, so yes it’s cheating.

judochop's avatar

How many of you answering this question have had an actual lapdance? Hell no its not cheating. Lapdances are not dry humping or some 80’s b movie. There is no touching allowed, and once nude, the dancer has to stay back two feet.

Coloma's avatar


Not necessarily. Criteria is subject to the club and believe me, I have been in a couple of extremely “intimate” clubs over the years and have seen for myself what goes on.

XOIIO's avatar

@judochop it still doesn’t matter if the person has to ask, and people will do anything for money.

judochop's avatar

Bullshit. I live in Portland, Oregon. Strip club capital of the world. I am personal friends with several strip club owners as well as worked at, hired for and helped open two specific clubs, one of which hustler and playboy rated as the best in the USA. My best friend is a stripper, my ex wife danced, I am well familiar with the laws and rules and unless you are in Nevada or Alaska, you are both wrong, sorry. And no, people will not do anything for money, that is an intense and unfair generalization. No stripper I know would be willing to break the rules of the club for an extra $500. You also know security has cameras in those rooms right? The girls already walk with 300–1500 a night. If you two are seeing differently then you might want to shift where you hangout.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

OK, simmer down. Don’t make me get the water hose.

digitalimpression's avatar

@judochop Are you saying it’s cool if I get naked and swing my junk around 2 feet away from your girlfriend? Cuz that’s what you’re saying.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Not to me, no. I go to strip clubs with my husband… I would buy him a lap dance, but I think he is afraid of the girls. He always looks like he is on the brink of panic when someone approaches him.
Having said that, I also know that there are clubs around here where the “lapdances” are pretty… intimate. We’ve had many of the same places repeatedly shut down and reopened for prostitution. I’m not suggesting that it is the norm, but it happens. In fact, the last time we went out, multiple dancers offered sex along with lapdances to my husband and our friend.

Even so, no. I don’t consider it cheating. But, I am not a jealous person by nature.. I would probably be comfortable with my husband doing a lot of things that other people would think was outright infidelity.

Looking at porn is absolutely not cheating, in my book.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

If my husband was out getting a lap dance, getting an erection in public for another woman to grind up and down instead of keeping that very intimate sharing between us then yes, I’d consider it cheating and so would he.

This is actually some of the stuff we talked about when sharing with each other what our boundaries were for intimacy as an exclusive couple. Also, I’ve known several strippers and many men who frequent them- lap dances often include the dance litterally masturbating the man by the intensity of her her lap “grinding” and the men feeling up the dancer is common if it’s a private room dance.

augustlan's avatar

It isn’t cheating to me. It completely depends on how different people interpret different things.

linguaphile's avatar

@augustlan I agree, really, it is how you frame and define it. I will admit that at one time in the past, I was definitely more lackadaisical about lapdancing, porn and strippers—until my path was crossed by too many people who perverted it in destructive ways and my perspective ‘frame’ changed.

I thought about this question some more… I have friends who are former strippers and they’re great people, fun to be with, and have a really grounded view of life—I’m odd, I have no judgment or disgust towards the people who perform the acts—the strippers, porn stars and lap dancers themselves—I have no problem with them at all. It’s a certain type of spectator that I don’t like and within a relationship, I don’t want to be anywhere near that certain type of spectator.

rooeytoo's avatar

To me it is cheating and I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who thought otherwise.

missscarlet36's avatar

I think that porn watching and strip clubs disturb a man’s ability to have an intimate and maximally awesome sex life. You know that military personnel are prepared for battle by desensitizing them with the viewing of violent video games. This causes them to be able to kill without feelings that will disturb them later. So they must be somewhat dehumanized and compromised in their human emotions. This is I believe what happens to men into non attached exposure to sex. The price is high: erectile disfunction, inability to be fully intimate, and relate pleasurably with a real female relationship. I would not want my sex organs (which includes the Brain) to be desensitized. Sex is too awesome and I don’t want my passion tamoeted with, broken, nor destroyed. How sad that would be.

Coloma's avatar

@missscarlet36 I totally agree.
If I am really looking forward to my veggies and rice for dinner I am not going to dull my appetite and ruin the good stuff by gorging on cheesecake first. haha

missscarlet36's avatar

Good analogy. Do people want good sex in the real world or a cheap version that ruins their real experience??

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