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anon86's avatar

How to follow up a Facebook message to a crush to which you got no reply?

Asked by anon86 (30points) January 11th, 2012


I hope you can excuse me for being anonymous and skipping a detailed introduction, and willing to give me some advice on the situation I’m in.

I’ve sent a message via Facebook December 29 to a girl I went to class with 3 years ago we were both 14. We became friends, we got along well. I’ve let her know once before I cared for her, though in a friend-ly (not romantic) way by asking if she had been sick when she did not come to school a couple of days. No idea if that’s important, but I’m just throwing my cards on the table here.

When the year ended we lost contact. We haven’t spoken in these 3 years, though I see her frequently. Sometimes we look at each other but one of us looks away, it differs. Although I care for her very much, I don’t dare to smile or talk to her anymore, and so we pass each other by like strangers.

So recently I decided to send her a message via Facebook, as that was the quickest way of contacting her. I sent something among the lines of “Hey <name>. Have you had a nice Christmas? It’s been a long time since we talked. Do you want to catch up some time?”

She hasn’t responded, and I don’t know what to do. Should I send another message? What should it say? Will I just have to man up and talk to her? What should I say then? I just don’t know what to do, so I’d really like some advice on how I could handle this.

Thank you in advance.

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19 Answers

Mariah's avatar

How long ago did you send the message? Some people don’t log into Facebook every day.

the_overthinker's avatar

Maybe you should wait a little longer. But if you happen to see her, take the chance and talk to her! I’ve done that multiple times while bumping into people I went to school with and haven’t seen for years.

Rarebear's avatar

If she doesn’t respond you have your answer.

filmfann's avatar

If she didn’t respond, either she doesn’t remember you, or doesn’t want to pursue a friendship, or doesn’t use FaceBook often.
Don’t send another message via FB. That seems like stalking.
If you have an email address, I don’t see a problem with sending her a message there.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’d give it a good few weeks, time for her to login and look around before deciding if she’s interested or not. Have you seen stuff on her wall to let you know she’s active on fb? If she’s actively posting to friends then you have your answer, she’s not interested in catching up.

Haleth's avatar

You said you see her often but you don’t talk to each other- what’s going on there? Are you still in school or class together?

You should just say hi to her or start a casual conversation. Don’t bring up anything personal- for all you know, she might have had the worst Christmas ever and that’s why she’s not talking about it. Start by just saying hi and smiling. Next time you see her, bring up some common ground that you might have, like an event at the school or a mutual friend. You don’t have to have a heart-to-heart with her right away or anything, just start being friendly and having a few chats.

If I saw someone all the time but we never talked to each other, I might think they didn’t like me or something…

AshlynM's avatar

Some people don’t use facebook religiously. Also, it’s only been a couple of weeks since you sent the message.

Give it at least a month. If she fails to respond to you within that time, then you’ll know she’s not interested in you. Don’t send her another facebook message. The ball is in her court now. She has to make the decision if she wants to contact you. Sending her another one will just make you seem like a stalker and desperate.

raven860's avatar

Also, depending upon the privacy settings, sometimes (or rather all the time) if you are not friends with the person on Facebook then the message is a bit trickier to find cause it files under “others” and people do not notice that immediately if not notice it at all.

Perhaps sending her a Friend Request would be your next best step rather than saying anything more. I would do that if I were you and sooner or later & one way or another she will let you know if she is interested in taking things any further.

mrrich724's avatar

I think you need to move on. Sometimes FB messages don’t get responded to, and usually it’s on purpose.

Sorry :( Wish it turned out more positive. But I’d just take it as a sign from her and drop the subject.

And at 17, and over the Holidays, where she’s on break, I guarantee she checked FB. So I highly doubt that her not having checked it is the problem here.

You’re about 17. . . I promise, you’ll find a better girl who will answer your messages! Keep on truckin’

6rant6's avatar

Here’s the deal. If you send another message and she doesn’t like it, you’re likely to get labeled a stalker or creep.

On the other hand, she may give you props for persistence if you try again.

There is no way to know in advance how she will take it because, let’s be honest now, she won’t know how she’s going to take it until she sees it.

Welcome to the world of men and women.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

Don’t send her another Facebook message unless she responds to your message first. Delete what you sent her if you have to to prevent yourself from sending another one.

If you barely talk to her in the first place when you see her or only make small talk when you do, she might think you don’t like her and wonder why you’re bothering asking her about her Christmas through Facebook…

Let things happen naturally.


Oh, I wanted to add…

The poster who said that thing about “Other” messages is totally correct! I have looked in my “Other” message folder before and noticed messages from people not on my list that I hadn’t even seen or gotten back to because I just simply hadn’t seen them yet. I also remember getting at least one message from a guy telling me he was sorry that he hadn’t seen my message before because it was in the “Other” folder.

Someone might not respond to a message, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he or she doesn’t like you.

Right now, I have several messages in my Inbox that I haven’t responded to. I like every person who has sent me a message that I still have in there, even if I didn’t respond to them. Perhaps she is in the same situation. I don’t know. A message like “How was your Christmas?” might not get as much attention as another one because that is so typical of people to ask… Someone might get tired of answering it several times. I don’t even remember how many times I answered that question on Facebook. It made me feel like a robot.

I think it’s best to strike up a conversation about something she is obviously interested in when you see her next in person. She’ll already know you want to talk to her if she read your message if she remembers. It will also give her something to talk about so that she can feel more comfortable around you.

Don’t be her therapist or someone who only offers her small talk if you want to stand out. Be a friend and care about her interests, not things like not seeing her in a while or how her Christmas was or how sick she was feeling. If you want to connect with her, you might not be able to if you’re going to focus on subjects like that she probably hears from several other people anyway. What makes you different from those people if you ask questions like that? Nothing. She has no reason to know you or to even want to connect with you if you’re not going to connect with her on issues that are important to her outside of small talk.

Good luck!

Haleth's avatar

@AnonymousGirl I never noticed the “other” folder before, so of course I ran to compulsively check mine just now. Most of it was spam, but there was this really weird message from a girl I’ve never met, about how she’s really in love with one of my guy friends and it’s painful to be without him, and she’s sorry for the mean thing she posted on my wall. Right now I’m like, ”???” because AFAIK she never posted anything on my wall and I’ve never heard of her before…

Which just leads me to think that facebook is really not the place for heartfelt, emotional confessions.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

^^ I would probably reply to that if I got a message like that and say something like “I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Sorry for getting back to you so late. This was in my ‘Other’ folder, so I didn’t see it until today.” :) She might be too embarrassed to reply back, but she might be relieved as well that you acknowledged her and her feelings.

I definitely know what you mean about it seeming more and more like Facebook is not a good place for heartfelt, emotional confessions.

anon86's avatar

Thank you all for your responses. If gives me confidence to know there’s still some things I can do.

Please excuse me until tomorrow, as I’ve had a very busy day with school (and) work.

anon86's avatar

Hi all,

She’s been active on Facebook, about a post a day. So she either read my message and discarded it or she didn’t. No way of knowing, so it’s best to discard the Facebook thing, I recon.

I guess now this becomes more a question about how to approach her.. Let me clarify, though I’m not socially awkward, I do not often take lead in a conversation, or in anything for that matter, haha. I’m more the listener. Now I understand that’s important too, but still I will have to be conversation-starter.

How should I approach her? I’m not in her class by the way, I used to be. When she’s in the school library or something? Or is that weird? All tips and suggestions are welcome!

the_overthinker's avatar

I suggest to not plan when to approach her, but just approach her when you see her and the chance is just so obvious. That way it is more natural. Just start off with “hi! do you remember me?! How’re you doing?” or something like that. Don’t really plan what you’re going to say either.. just let the conversation roll on it’s own.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

I agree with @the_overthinker‘s suggestion about doing it when it feels more natural. Planning and worrying about it sounds like it will just cause you anxiety and then you might be embarrassed after if you end up not getting the response you are hoping for!

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crushingandreaming's avatar

If it has been over like a day then just message something different.

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