NSFW? Would you / Have you ever tried Celibacy?

I have been celibate during times in my life where I felt that I was going in the wrong direction on the wrong path in my life. I found that it helped me focus more on me and what it was that i was needing and less on another person.

Just to clarify: no sex, but I never say “No” to self-pleasure!

Does ‘unintentional celibacy’ count? I haven’t had a lady friend in several years, despite best efforts. And I’m not into men.

You mean after I became a teenager? Nope. I’ve tried most of these, though, including this one. Highly recommended.

Never practiced it after puberty

After first becoming sexually active, for about 6–8 months. I felt I needed to get in touch with myself more and avoid the pressure sexual intimacy can have on relationships (no pun intended but there was probably a lot of that going on!) No, it didn’t change anything for me.

I’ve had some long “dry” periods, bet never been intentionally celibate.

Yes. Intentionally non-physical with a partner for quite a while. This is meant to separate the physical from the emotional responses. (I’ve often confused the two in the past).

As @HGl3ee said, this doesn’t preclude self gratification.

No. For what? I would not stop my body from eating or breathing either.

There have been several periods where I’ve chosen to refrain from sex, including presently. I don’t know if I would exactly call these periods “celibacy,” because they’ve only lasted about nine months at the most. Celibacy, to me, is more extended than that. But, for the sake of the question, let’s call my experiences celibacy.

The first time I chose to be celibate was at age 17 after I found myself pregnant and had an abortion. I certainly did not (and do not) regret the abortion, but I think I (understandably) became disenchanted with sex at that point, and avoided relationships and sexual activity for about seven months, at which point I met and started dating a man and found I wanted to be intimate again, with him. So that was the end of that period.

While I was dating the above-mentioned man (a relationship that lasted about a year and a half) I was experiencing many changes – I was a young college student, after all. I soon found I was no longer happy in the relationship and felt stifled by it, but was too afraid of not having the comfort and security of a boyfriend to end the relationship. So I basically just stopped having sex with him. For eight months. I eventually ended the relationship. I think part of me lost a lot of respect for him for tolerating having a sexless relationship (when we’d previously had quite an active sex life) because he was so desperate to keep me in his life. A few weeks after we broke up, I had sex again (not with him, obviously), and that’s how that period ended.

I am currently refraining from sex (about five months now) for several reasons. The foremost is that I am still in the “mourning” phase of a relationship that had to end five months ago (I say “had” to end because neither of us wanted to end the relationship, but he moved across the country and so continuing the relationship would not have worked. We still have feelings for each other and, were he still here, we would still be together), and therefore do not have much of an interest in dating other people or being intimate with a new man. Another reason is that I’ve reached the point in my young life where I’m no longer really interested in “casual” relationships or hook-ups – if I am with someone, I want it to be a long-term, committed relationship. So, until I am ready (i.e., over my previous relationship) and until I find someone that I want to be serious with, I will be abstaining. The past few months abstaining have been surprisingly nice. I’m normally a very sexual person, but spending time focusing on my emotional needs and growth, without the pressures of someone else’s emotional or physical needs, has been very enjoyable and enlightening.

OP: Maybe you’ve seen this . If that guy’s Expedia ad doesn’t make you squirm, that clip will.

To answer your question, yes, for a period of two years I was completely celibate while I explored the possibility of entering a Catholic religious order. The only sexual activity I had was in my dreams. I’ll say this much: there’s a big difference between voluntary celibacy and involuntary celibacy. I learned that desires wax and wane, and that if one doesn’t problematize or provoke sexual desire, the body will take care of it on its own. Taking myself out of the game freed me to concentrate on other things.

I’ve never intentionally been celibate, no. I can’t imagine ever doing so.

I am gratefully so. I got tired of dressing up. I have no sex drive anymore. I am happily celibate.

I am not sure why I would ever in my life want to intentionally do that.

I would not be intentionally celibate if there was someone in my life that I cared about and trusted enough to share myself with in that way, but until then I can deal with celibacy.

I am intentionally celibate. But I have a choice of my fave booty call if he were closer.

I can do without most of the time. I’d drather sleep with someone I trust or my pup, instead of the weirdos I attract.

A person ought to be celibate until they’re married.

A person ought to be what they choose to be. If a person chooses to be celibate, that’s their choice. If a person chooses to be not celibate, that’s their choice too.

@Nullo I think that’s unfair. Everyone feels differently about this issue. Waiting for marriage might work well for you, but not so much for someone else. A person “ought” to be whatever they want to be, not whatever you want them to be.

It makes sense in the late stages of a twin pregnancy.

@Soupy Thing about universal standards is that they apply to everyone. A person ought to do what’s right, and keeping your pants on is on the list.

@Nullo Except that not having sex with your partner before marriage is deeply immoral. It says that you don’t respect your partner or the institution of marriage enough to make sure you are sexually compatible before making such an important commitment.

@SavoirFaire What, then, is your relationship worth if you’d call the whole thing off if one of you is bad in bed?

@Nullo Sexually incompatible ≠ bad in bed. There’s much more to it than that. Bad in bed can be fixed. Sexual incompatibility typically cannot be (two people can both be good in bed, yet sexually incompatible with one another). A couple might decide to work around sexual incompatibility, of course, but they may also find that they cannot. Not all couples can find a solution that works for each partner.

One may require permission to get sex elsewhere if it will not be available within the primary relationship, for instance, while the other may be strictly opposed to such a thing. These are decisions that cannot be made without knowledge of what each person wants and needs from the sexual component of the relationship, and that knowledge requires experience.

It is better for two people to discover they are sexually incompatible and decide what to do about it before getting married rather than after. Looking for irreconcilable difficulties that may lead to divorce in advance, rather than making decision to marry hastily and in ignorance, shows respect, dedication, and forethought. It demonstrates that one takes marriage seriously.

Alternatively, marriage just becomes the new dating and divorce becomes the new breaking up—which just leads to the exact situation you are trying to avoid. If we’re going to end up there anyway, might as well cut out the failed marriage and divorce part.

@Nullo – I’ll agree that there are universal standards of right and wrong that apply to everybody: murdering is wrong, stealing is wrong, assaulting somebody is wrong, and a few other things are wrong (or at least 99% of the people in the world will say these things are wrong, which makes them practically universal).

But sexual behavior is not one of those standards. There’s absolutely nothing inherently right with remaining celibate until marriage, or inherently wrong with not remaining celibate until marriage.

That is a personal choice. It may be on your list, but it’s not on everybody’s list.

@SavoirFaire Thank you for clarifying, but you still haven’t really addressed the issue of a more-than-sexual relationship being pass/failed by sex alone.
Scads of people are celibate when not married, and proceed to have a long and healthy marriage afterward.

We’d have fewer divorces if people weren’t so quick to bail out.

@Nullo So you’ve made the decision that not having sex until marriage is a universal moral standard which applies to everyone? How nice for you. How did you get to be in a position to make this decision?

The decision to have or not to have premarital sex is up to the individuals involved. It’s not for you to decide that people enjoying themselves and harming no one else is wrong.

@Nullo I’m not sure why that is an issue I have to address. It’s no different than a relationship failing solely on the basis of any of its other essential elements. I see nothing wrong with holding out for someone who is the complete package. That doesn’t mean perfect—healthy relationships are made, rather than found, and so no two people start out perfect for one another without any need for adjustment—but sexual incompatibility seems like a completely sensible reason not to marry someone.

Now, I’ve already noted that some couples might try to work around sexual incompatibility. Thus I hope it’s clear that I am not saying sexually incompatible couples should abandon all plans for marriage. That is their decision to make based on whether or not they can find a solution. I think you have your reasoning about divorce backwards, however: we’d have fewer divorces if people had been responsible enough to make sure they wanted to stay with someone before marrying them.

This isn’t to say that people aren’t too quick to bail. I think that’s true. Too many people go into marriage with the attitude “if it doesn’t work out, we can always get divorced.” So while I am certainly in favor of the divorce option existing, I would agree that using it as a first resort—rather than as a last result—is quite irresponsible. Yet this seems like just another argument in favor of the position I have defended here: better to make sure you’re compatible with your partner (sexually, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually) in advance. Leaving one of those off the list seems quite arbitrary.

By the way, I do not deny that some people have been lucky enough for their marriages to work out despite waiting until marriage to have sex. Five out of six people survive Russian roulette, too. While that’s all well and good for them, though, the history of divorce in the US suggests that many more people have gotten divorced because they waited. Current statistics are misleading in this regard as the only people who wait these days are also people who have a heavy social stigma on getting divorced—even if they desperately want to.

In @Nullo‘s defence, I don’t believe he actually said that he would impose celibacy upon everyone through law if he had the power do to so (or would you, @Nullo ?). So I don’t think it’s fair to say that he’s making the decision for everyone. I just dispute his opinion that his religious views apply to everyone, whether or not they follow his religion.