How do I resolve this conflict (if at all)?

At this point, I’d probably wait until after the project is over (if the team can handle the bossiness in the meantime). After everything is over, schedule an evaluation talk with her, where you acknowledge that her ideas have value but point out that her methods leave something to be desired. Offer suggestions about how she could get her ideas across in a more appropriate way, such as approaching you directly and privately, or voicing her ideas in a team meeting that is expressly for the purpose of team brainstorming (while allowing others the opportunity to speak their minds as well).

Okay, I’ve led teams for 25 years and here is what I would do. First you need to have a private meeting with Ms. BossyPants (let’s call her MBP) and get the issues on the table. The easiest way to do this is to make it clear that this is about the team meeting its goals and each member of the team committing to that. It’s not about MBP, or getting her name in bright lights as a star on the Marquee.

Let her know that you’re setting the agenda but do welcome her input, or that of anyone on the team but you expect it before the meeting and you expect it delivered in a respectful, productive way. Remember, to gain committment you need to let people “weigh in before they can buy in”. So, asking your team for input into an agenda is a reasonable approach. Input means ideas are considered, but not every idea is adopted by the team.

If after this discusion MBP still disrupts meetings, or engages in back office politics, then pull her aside and tell her it’s not okay to do so and if she does it again you’ll be forced to take disciplinary action including removing her from the project.

Don’t kid yourself, MBP has an issue with you leading this team. Do not let her perpetuate the message – that she knows more and is more capable than you. She needs to respect that this is about a team working together to accomplish this goal and that each person brings value to the table.

This issue is about dealing with conflict in a productive way. MBP needs to work on her Conflict style, probably among other things and that is the message she needs to hear. Don’t be afraid to deliver it, because if you don’t she’ll continue to be a disruptive force in any team she is on. It’s not just about getting results, it’s how you go about it.

The advice your boss is giving you is correct. You need to reign in MBP, or, you will look weak in the eyes of the team. Read “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team” by Pat Lencione. It will help you immensely in leading teams. Good luck with MBP and the project.

Sit her down and talk about her approach. Tell her that you recognize that she has some positive contribution to make, but tell her method of presenting it sucks.

Tell her that in future you will not tolerate deviating from an agenda.

Bossiness can be a form of bullying. I agree with @BosM‘s sharing. There are tons of articles online about how to deal with the various toxic personalities that show up in the workplace and our personal lives. Bossy bullies, passive aggressive my #1 most hated type lol

Good luck, this is why I am self employed these days, at 52 I have zero tolerance for difficult people anymore and workplace shennanigans! Bah! haha

So let me see… she was right, she knew more than you, she stood up for her ideas, she convinced the other members of the team to go along, the team got the job done.

If you weren’t the one telling the story, wouldn’t she be the hero?

You want her to admit her short comings, but frankly, you haven’t convinced me she exhibited any. Even given that she has short comings, her admission of them is not as valuable to you as the lessons you should have learned from this experience. I hope you’ve picked up some of her knowledge, and now you know that everyone who opposes you is not necessarily your opponent or someone you need to put in their place. I’d say, “Thank you,” and be done with it.

@6rant6, there is a way for someone on a team to contribute without taking the approach that is disruptive, disrespectful, and demoralizing. People like MBP are more trouble than they are worth, thanking them for treating people like crap is the last thing to do.

@BosM Obviously there’s a limit. But I’m guessing a man coming in a taking over and getting the job done right would be seen as a hero.

I once had a confrontation with another team member on an organization critical team. It basically came down to a difference in approach. Meetings were heated and long.

Then one day he came to my office and apologized for his stridency. He said that he recognized the value in my position and was glad I was on the team. I said the same to him, greatly relieved that the battle was behind us. We worked together well for years after that. And I always thought him the better man than I for making the initial move.

@6rant6 I understand your point, but gender has nothing to do with it. Spirited, respectful debate is highly encouraged, provided it’s done in a way that benefits the team, project, and ultimately leads to committment to an approach that everyone can support.

Once it becomes personal and about someone needing to be right, or about their personal goals/agenda then it’s destructive. Those people are more trouble than they’re worth and their behavior needs to be corrected for everyones sanity to remain intact as well as the health and success of the project.