(NSFW) How can I stop being afraid of birth control?

I grew up in a home where I was taught that birth control is evil and immoral… and that it’s a way of testing God. I was also taught that people who aren’t married… don’t have any business having sex… and that people who don’t want children don’t have any business having sex… or being married.

Condoms haven’t made me feel that great for a long time, and although I’ve done sexual things with guys who have used them, they make me feel bad… and gross. It ruins the mood for me… because of how they feel… and also because of what I associate condoms with.

This doesn’t seem fair. Why did I have to be taught birth control is evil, while it seems like it’s the easiest thing in the world for many other people to use? They can just use it so naturally like no big deal and I just… can’t… without feeling guilty… and like a horrible and disgusting person/sinner.

If I start taking birth control pills, I’m afraid of my parents finding out… by chance, or by accident. I’m terrified of making a Doctor’s appointment about this because I’m afraid of them finding out about that, too. I have the same family Doctor as my parents, so that association makes me feel weird as well…