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realisticality's avatar

My friend has lied to me, avoided, and starting to ignore me ever since she got her new boyfriend, what to do?

Asked by realisticality (45points) February 23rd, 2012

So my best friend just got a new boyfriend the week she dumped her first one, and he’s been sleeping over her room every night since. (about half a year now) I think he’s a rebound guy because she never had feelings for him before, but knew he liked her so she decided to use him after her break up, but now she’s trying to convince herself she loves him to make herself feel less..easy, I suppose. I’ve looked up what to do in these situations, when a best friend spends all her time with her boyfriend—and I’ve taken that advice and asked her to hang out and told her I missed her..and she would always say, “oh, sorry I miss you too, I’ve just been too busy”. Which is not true because she spends all her time with him playing games, watching tv, shopping, etc. Sigh. She’s lied to me about being able to hang out, and now has stopped talking to me completely. She doesn’t say anything to me unless I say hi to her. I’m hurt and feel like..if she doesn’t care about our friendship, should I bother trying anymore? Every time she has a problem she comes to me for help. Emotional problems, relationship problems, etc. Am I just being a tool? I feel like it’s so unfair to me, but whenever we do hang out together it feels ok again. But then she’ll return to her usual self and start ignoring me again once the problem is over. How do I deal with this kind of best friend? I don’t even think I should call her that anymore =/

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10 Answers

marinelife's avatar

1. What she’s doing is natural from her point of view. I think that you are lying to yourself saying that she doesn’t like the guy or why would she spend all that time with him?

2. She is blowing off her friendships for her relationship. That will not last forever, but it could last a while.

3. She is not being a good friend right now. But don’t expect it to change.

4. If it were me, I would back away from the friendship and look for other people to spend time with who want to be with you. I would also be unavailable if she has emotional problems.

mrrich724's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

I think there is a good chance she’s avoiding you because she knows how judgmental you are of her in her current situation, as this whole entry clearly shows, and she doesn’t feel like dealing with it while she tries to figure out what’s going on.

Whether or not he’s a rebound, whether or not she really likes him, who are you to decide? Just a thought.

Esedess's avatar

What you’re describing is an immature “high school” relationship. That’s how I refer to relationships in which one or both parties doesn’t maintain a sense of self. In any relationship it’s best to maintain your own life. That means, continuing to see the friends you always have, continuing to do the things you enjoy alone or without your partner, and mostly just not letting your relationship take over your entire life.
I’d like to tell you that these things pass. But sadly that’s not always the case. Coincidentally, my group of friends has been experiencing the same thing recently. One of the main members of our group, who we’ve all hung out with for about 10 years, got his 1st real girlfriend, and had sex for the first time about 2 years ago. (he was a virgin until he was 23) Anyways, once that happened he, being a literal virgin to the predicament of dating/sex/all that, just dropped of the face of the Earth. Everyone in our group complains about it from time to time, as we all see the mistake he’s making (not that he would hear it if we told him; or that he’s around to hear it) Furthermore, we all pretty much hate his girlfriend. She’s manipulative and just very selfish all around. It’s pretty obvious that she gets off on his naivete.

Our most recent, drunken, conversation on the matter left me standing up for him, saying, “We’ve all been there… He’ll get over. Everyone walks away from relationships like this with a what the hell was I doing retrospect.”

BUT, just found out 2 weeks ago that he proposed to her. DAMN!!!! lol Sometimes people never reach that point of retrospect, and the reality is that, most likely, we’re all just gonna continue to see this guy on rare occasions from now on. It sucks, but that’s how it goes… sometimes.

If you really want this friend around, I would advise you to make your point clear sooner than later. Just flat out tell her that it’s immature to dump her entire life just cause she’s in a relationship. The great things about 2 people coming together is becoming part of each others’ lives. Not just dumping your life and becoming part of theirs’, or vise-versa. Ask her to try to put some time aside to do things with just her friends. AND THEN THAT’S IT! Don’t push the matter any further or you’ll just push her away. No one wants to hangout with someone who takes every chance to hangout as a limited time opportunity to lobby them for more. Once you’ve expressed your perspective nicely, back off and go do #4 of what @marinelife suggests.

Coloma's avatar

“Friends” do not lie to, avoid and ignore “friends.”
It’s that simple. End of story.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Do nothing. She is not a friend. Be more selective in who you hang with.

realisticality's avatar

Thanks everyone. I’ve started to hang out with other people more and keeping busy. It’s just a pain to see her around the apartment (we’ll be living together until May) because it’s a constant reminder of how she treats me/doesn’t care about our friendship.

@mrrich724 I’ve never been anything but supportive of her relationship—when she needs help, I offer her good advice that actually helps her fix the problems in her relationship with him, because I know he is a good, friendly guy. She always has some kind of biased view towards him, so I offer other point of views that she could view the problems in, or possibilities that could have led her to misunderstand him. I never told her anything about how I feel he might be a rebound. If she felt I was being judgmental towards her relationship, I don’t think she’d keep coming to me for advice whenever she has problems with it…If she and him are really hitting it off and truly love each other like they claim to, then fine, good for them.

beckk's avatar

Well, this happened to me almost 2 years ago, and I hope your situation doesn’t end the same way mine did.
My best friend started dating a new guy and immediately stopped talking to me, even though he lived over 10 hours away. I tried talking to her multiple times asking her to hangout, etc. She always came up with some excuse or said she could hangout, but then when it came time to actually see each other she would blow me off.
After about 4 months her boyfriend moved to town to be closer to her. After that happened our relationship became very strained. Unfortunately, we had all our classes together senior year of high school. We would go weeks without talking to each other, even though we walked to and from every class together.
Things started to become very awkward and after high school I never talked to her again. It’s been almost a year since we’ve spoken, and now she’s engaged to that guy. I really wish that she and I could have found a better way to handle this situation because we both lost our best friends. Unfortunately, relationships work both ways; if one person isn’t willing to make an effort then, in most cases, the relationship will fail.
I hope that you and your friend can find a way to work things out. It’s a shame to see best friends torn apart because of a guy.

Rock2's avatar

“I can’t make you love if you don’t”

Bonnie Raitt

wundayatta's avatar

I am a believer in trusting your own feelings. If you feel like she is ignoring you and not spending time with you the way you want, then act accordingly. Find your best friendship elsewhere. She is not giving you what you need and it does not seem likely that she will any time soon. Maybe in a few months or a few years, but not right now.

I think it is best to be polite to her and try to make things nice, and just wait out the time until she no longer lives with you. These things happen. It’s sad. You didn’t say you were angry or wanted to act out of anger, but if you are, there’s not much point in doing so. It’s just an expression of hurt, and really, she doesn’t care, so you won’t get any change.

I’m sorry this is the case for you. It must hurt. I had a roommate who was a good friend go off with her boyfriend and after a while, she was never home. I felt betrayed because we had a good household up until then. Now she was never there. I got upset and called a meeting and told her to spend more time around the house, or move out.

It was anger talking and it was stupid. Especially in NYC. There is nothing greater than having a roommate pay rent and never be there. Me and my hurt feelings. The roommate we got after that didn’t work out at all. So be careful what you do out of pain and loss. Try not to lash out. It might not be so good.

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