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sixthreeone2's avatar

How do you hide being a lesbian?

Asked by sixthreeone2 (16points) March 26th, 2012

I’m an 18 year old female still attending high school. I have an under the table type relationship with another girl at my school. I really don’t want my family or friends to find this out, and I just have no idea what to do. My sister knows I never have boyfriends, but I have hooked up with guys. I’m not sure if I’m lesbian or bisexual, but that’s a different story. My sister can find out anything she wants at school. So it’s really difficult lying to her in order to hang out with the girl I like. All my friends think I am but don’t say anything to me. My family has questioned me as well. I just really prefer not to tell them. I talked to the girl I like and mentioned what if I hooked up with a guy so the rumor of that could spread around the school and kill all the thought of me and her being together. She obviously hated the idea. I just need some guidance with this. Should I ignore it until I go to college? Thank you for your time to answer this.

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15 Answers

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Take your time and don’t rush anything. Sort things out as you go and don’t let others judge you.

josie's avatar

Go to prom with captain of the football team.

wilma's avatar

I wouldn’t think that hooking up with a guy just to get a rumor spread about you would be a wise thing to do. I don’t think that having sex with anyone just to give an impression one way or the other is a good idea.
There are some nice people on here who could give you better advice than I can, about what it’s like being a lesbian when you are young and in high school. I don’t have any experience with that.
From a purely parental standpoint, and having been a young woman of your age at one time, I know that sex can be confusing to say the least. Give yourself some time, take it slow. You are discovering who you are, don’t let other people label you one way or the other.

fundevogel's avatar

Why don’t you want your family and friends to know? Do you think they’ll treat you differently? In general I think that sort of secrecy is unhealthy so I wouldn’t pursue it unless there was a really good reason.

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CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Since I never had to face anything like what you’re facing, I can only offer “what I think I would do” based on what I know about myself and how my life has played out.

I don’t try to hide much about “who I am”. It makes life a lot easier, not wondering “did I tell this person?” or “should I tell this person?” or “what have I told this person?” Like Popeye, I yam what I yam, and you’d know it – for the most part (it’s not like I advertise or have to tell everything about myself, either) – within a few minutes of meeting me.

So even though you don’t want to tell everyone everything about your sexual preferences – and I can respect and appreciate that from anyone, not just a young person who is ambivalent or unsure about which way he or she wants to go – I would simply go with your preference, stay as quiet and discreet as you can about that, and if people find out, then they’re only finding out the truth, anyway. It might ‘hurt’ a bit if you have to face some ostracism, ridicule and criticism, but you’ll probably face that at some point anyway. Best to get it out in the open quietly and with as little drama as possible.

The truth really does set you free in a way: it clears your mind wonderfully. I highly recommend it.

Good luck on finding and choosing your way.

Aethelflaed's avatar

Can you just pass this girl off as your bff? I know so, so many girls in high school who were jokingly accused of being “lesbian lovers” because they were so close with their platonic female best friend.

Do you not want your family to know because it’s private and not their business, or because they would react homophobically?

tinyfaery's avatar

If not now, when? You are eventually going to have to come out, for your own sanity.

PM me if you really want to talk about how to navigate the coming out process.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Here is a website designed specifically for young people facing questions about their sexuality.

In my own experience, I knew I was different at a very young age, but I had no words to describe what I was feeling. By the time high school rolled around, I knew I was gay. I was raised in a rabidly fundamentalist Christian home, and I was told in high school that if I ever came out of the closet, they would kick me out onto the streets.

I used that as an excuse to stay in the closet until I was in my mid-30s. It was torture. I was miserable and made people around me miserable, too. I learned how to drink in an effort to hide my sexuality. Instead, I became an alcoholic.

I don’t know you or your family situation, but I know that for me I would have been better off coming out at a younger age. Feel free to message me if you want to. I’m happy to talk.

ETpro's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. Like my fellow Jellies, my advice is to be yourself. Most of us are actually bisexual. Put in a prison where the gender of our choice is not available, most of us will form a relationship with someone of whatever gender is available. There is mo need to firmly decide right now that you’re either lesbian, bi or straight. Time will tell you that.

If you talked over your concerns with your mom, would she be open to getting you some counseling to help you work through your gender identity?

whitecarnations's avatar

At the tender age of 18 you are still trying to figure everything out. The older you get, the more tired and numb you’ll be to society and you can freely focus on your career :D

You can probably hide it by just being yourself and dedicating more time being studious. Even if you are hanging out with a girl often usually studying all the time and being ace at school overall shuts peoples views up. It’s when “relationships for show” happen, is when it becomes a big deal.

likipie's avatar

You’re title doesn’t matter, how you feel matters. You don’t have to decide whether your lesbian or bisexual. Getting together with a guy to cover up your relationship with a girl is a (no offense intended) ridiculous idea and I guarantee, that at one point in the future it will blow up in your face. Don’t ignore your feelings, in the end they’re all you have. If you really care about this girl and you’re sick of tip-toeing around people trying to hide yourself, just tell them. I know it’s hard, I still haven’t come out to my family yet. But even if they react badly, the relief you will feel for no having to hid it will feel way better than the feelings you get from not telling your family and friends.

likipie's avatar

Good luck, and I really hope everything works out for you. Stay strong friend!

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Keep things under control at school, but slowly start coming out at home. Speak to your family, the sooner the better.

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