Social Question

Rissycup's avatar

Is this friend who is a married man cheating?

Asked by Rissycup (27points) April 7th, 2012

I am really good friends with this married man at work. I am divorced. We have grown closer in the last year. Sometimes our conversation gets a little personal. We talk about sex. He never ever mentions his wife. He is really good looking. I am the only woman at this company that he is this close to. We do talk about our children and business. We are both workaholics. I have ask him if ever tells his wife about anything talk about. He says he never talks about work or what happens at work. Is he cheating?

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28 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

No, not really. The very first step in the cheating process, involves that first kiss. Intimate contact starts the ball rolling.

Right now, you guys are just talking, but maybe in a flirting way.

Use caution, you both could be on the verge of crossing the line and that means trouble.

digitalimpression's avatar

Well, you’re certainly not helping any. I think he is cheating emotionally.. which almost always leads to physically. Being divorced does not make you innocent in this scenario either.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Not yet…. To be on the safe side figure, if he can’t tell his wife about it, he’s cheating.

lukiarobecheck's avatar

“It’s an affair of the heart”

Blackberry's avatar

Cheating is subjective. You would have to ask his wife what her cheating criteria is. For some that is cheating, and for others it is not.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

No, damn it, he’s not cheating. He’s treading close to the line. He may be looking for you to help him commit to cheating. He may be awful to his wife aside from not telling her about your conversations.

But he is not cheating. Not yet, at least, based only on what you say here.

chyna's avatar

When you were married, how would you have felt if you found out your husband was doing the same thing this man is and not telling you? I bet you wouldn’t have liked it. It’s not cheating yet, but I see it heading down that road.

SuperMouse's avatar

You tell us. Do you think you and this gentleman are involved in an emotional affair? If you didn’t have some inkling that something might be going on there you probably wouldn’t have asked this question.

JustPlainBarb's avatar

There are many kinds of “cheating”. I’m not sure why you want to participate by talking to a married man about personal things and sex. And asking if he tells his wife about your conversations.

Even if he hasn’t cheated, he might think you’re encouraging him to do that with you.

I would treat cautiously here. Put yourself in his wife’s place and see what she might label this.

wundayatta's avatar

This is absurd. Are we at the point that we can only talk about sex with women who are also our spouses? Are we at the point where if we talk about sex with a woman who isn’t our spouse, then that means we are cheating? Are we at the point where if we talk to some woman who isn’t our spouse about sex that the next thing we find ourselves doing is shacking up in the No-tell Motel?

This is a joke! Americans are so uptight about sex. No wonder everyone hides in their rooms with internet porn instead of being an adult about it. It’s like the shame factor is through the roof. I’d say “grow up, America,” except I know 90% of the population disagrees with me on this issue.

Is it cheating? Not up to me to decide. That’s for you to decide. And if you can even ask this question, then I have to think you feel guilty. If you feel guilty, perhaps it’s because of what else you are thinking.

It’s not your job to watch the morals of this fellow. It’s your job to decide if you want anything to do with a married man who talks to other women about sex and doesn’t immediately run home and report to his wife that he has done so. You don’t want anything to do with him, really, do you? You don’t want to be a home wrecker, do you? Lord knows the next thing after sex talk is home wrecking. [rolls eyes] But if that’s how you think, then you should act accordingly. Myself, I think that’s utter nonsense.

jca's avatar

I don’t consider it cheating, but what he’s doing is most likely not going to be something his wife approves of, and he knows it, which is why he’s not discussing it with her. I think of what he’s doing as wrong, technically not cheating but still not ok in my book.

CWOTUS's avatar

You were on the right track, @wundayatta. (And it’s because of that 90% that you really should carry through with that call to “wake up!”)

But continuing with the thought: It’s okay to flirt. It’s okay to have naughty thoughts. It’s okay to have fantasies. It’s okay to have wicked thoughts… and not feel guilty.

I guess people need to draw their own lines (or continue to rely on others to draw them instead, I suppose), and maybe even looking a certain way at a person who your spouse wouldn’t want you to look at is “cheating” to some. I guess it’s not always black and white, and not subject to hair-splitting: Kissing is okay if it’s only on the cheek? Kissing is never okay? Touching in a non-sexual way is permitted? All touching is verboten? Thinking about sex with another person is borderline okay? Talking about it is cheating?

You’re absolutely right, though. It’s time to be adult about this instead of “adult”.

Blackberry's avatar

Cheating is rarely discussed with logic. Just using the word triggers an emotional response.

Pandora's avatar

I think if you have to ask than you already have the answer. In your own heart, you already feel he is cheating emotionally.
Are you looking for a reason to push him away because you don’t want to be the other woman?
Or are you looking for an excuse to take it further? In for a penny in for a pound.

Shit laced in gold is still shit. WAlK away.

jca's avatar

I think many people view the conversations you guys are having as inappropriate if one of the people is married (as your man friend is).

Kardamom's avatar

It kind of looks like you’re hoping that we will give you the OK to continue your sexual conversations at work with your co-worker, although I think you probably already know better than to carry on this kind of relatioship with this fellow.

It seems like you two are sliding down the slippery slope towards an actual physical affair, but just talking about sex with another woman (you) behind his wife’s back is kind of icky and sneaky and walking the tightrope of inappropriateness. His wife would probably be mortified to find out that he was having regular sex talk with you.

The other side of that coin is if you guys keep up the sex talk at work, you or he or both of you are likely going to end up getting accused of sexual harrassment. Even if the two of you are not offending each other, if other employees hear your conversations, or if your “relationship” with this dude is interferring with other employees work, or in the worst case scenario, if this dude decides he’s bored of you he could accuse you of sexual harrassment, or if you are mad at him for ignoring you, you might attempt to accuse him of sexual harrassment. It’s better for everyone if you leave the sex talk out of the workplace.

You can read more on the topic of Sexual Harrassment here.

Shippy's avatar

It’s not very professional to talk about sex at work.

Judi's avatar

Whether he’s cheating or not, I’m sure YOUR respect in the office has gone down a notch or two. Double standard I know, but I would bet that half the office BELIEVES you two are sleeping together.

Bellatrix's avatar

I don’t think he is cheating yet, but if you are asking this, you know you are both close to the line. Cheating doesn’t have to be physical, I think you can cheat by being emotionally close to another person. In my opinion, anything that takes affection and closeness from your partner is a form of cheating.

A good test I think is would you or he be happy recounting your conversations and how often you have these conversations to his wife? If you feel she would be upset or you would feel uncomfortable telling her everything that was said, it is cheating.

josie's avatar

Why don’t you ask him since you guys have become such buds.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Why don’t you take the initiative and back off of the highly personal conversations. You know it isn’t appropriate or you wouldn’t be asking the question here. Would it hurt you to know your husband had this kind of relationship with someone at work? Would you feel betrayed?

Aethelwine's avatar

The two of you talk about sex but he never mentions his wife?

red flag

you are both workaholics. Is that supposed to be an excuse for flirting with a married man?

jazmina88's avatar

No. You are just gettin intimate. But this road to could somewhere bad.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@wundayatta I doubt that they’re having educational discussions about sex, the way two men or two women would. He’s trying to lay the groundwork for an affair.

Blackberry's avatar

@Dutchess_III Well, if he just went in there guns blazing he would’ve ruined his chances. You gotta admire the effort…....Lol.

Dutchess_III's avatar

No. You don’t @Blackberry. He’s scum.

Blackberry's avatar

I was just joshin’ ya.

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