Social Question

XOIIO's avatar

What's something I can do to stop feeling depressed?

Asked by XOIIO (18283points) April 19th, 2012

Alright, so basically I can usually supress any emotions or depressed feelings I have but I can’t lately, it’s all around crap with relationships. I know its stupid and pathetic but it wont get out of my fucking head.

The problem is that I’ve been around for 18 years, only had 1 relationship, and I ended it because I knew the inevitable truth. I’m not the image of physical perfection scociety wants, I’m pretty far from it. I have the right personality, the chivalry and all the crap that make me the “perfect boyfriend” type, but I’m held down by my phisical apearence. It took someone who had made shit choices her whole life to finally take an interest in me when I was 17, and that’s the only one.

The relationship was probably something that wasn’t designed for someone my age, the side of me that I found out how deep it really was made it intense, and we were almost a perfect match, and it was basically extremely hot and heavy, we got along in every sense and it was full of sexual energy, i imagine this is something that probably doesn’t happen until people are older.

I ended it because I knew someone better would come along, and chances are I’d fade out fo the picture so I just ended it, and that’s been everything since. The only other person I thought might be interested in me showed the itnerest in the typical douchey “perfect” kind of guy, so that ended that.

For some stupid reason, I can’t get over these crap feeling I have, staying in school is fucking hell seeing eveyrone all happy and with people and me by myself as usual, and it’s probably going to be the rest of my life. I know I’ll probably be alone, and when I am alone working with technical stuff I can be kind of happy, but I don’t graduate for a couple months and this is living hell, and I don’t know how to get over it this time, it makes me want to just give up and stay alone doing stuff with computers since thats the only way I can not constantly think about this in the day.

sorry for the long read and shitty explanation, I just do’t know what to do, all my usual ways of suppressing these things isn’t working this time. Not being able to controll this is fucking weak and pathetic, I mean, all I can do it ask strangers on the internet, how pathetic is it that I’ve sunk this low.

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33 Answers

Dog's avatar

I have found that getting out in the fresh air and getting solid exercise really helps me get over the crap life throws at me. To become a recluse after one failed relationship will only make you feel worse.

Get out that frustration by moving yourself in any way you can or are willing- run, walk, swim, box, hit sandbags, try karate… anything will help you get out of the funk and move forward in a good way.

XOIIO's avatar

I’ve spent hours walking,it doesnt work. As it is the only way I can get through the day is listening and focusing to music.

Dog's avatar

Have you brought up your cardio? Walked real fast? Something that gets the brain energized? While listening to music of course.

Also try boxing… not with others but on a speedbag/bag. You are clearly frustrated. It will help.

likipie's avatar

First things first; nothing is stupid when it upsets you that much. It may seem irrelevant compared to other things happening in the world, but it’s obviously a big deal to you. It seems to me that you just need a hobby or something to do. It doesn’t matter what (as long as it’s healthy (it sounds naggy, I know)) just something you enjoy. And suppressing feelings NEVER works, take it from someone who truly knows what they’re talking about.

augustlan's avatar

I urge you to see a therapist, @XOIIO. It’s not weak or pathetic to feel the way you do, not at all as a matter of fact! Please talk to someone and get some help with dealing with your feelings.

Dog's avatar

I also second @augustlan ^ Therapists rock on helping you see outside the box.

XOIIO's avatar

@Dog Yeah, but it always comes back, I’m just wasting my time with that.

A therapis tisn’t an option for me, I don’t talk to people about stuff, and I don’t have the cash for that. I’ve been able to handle stuff lie this before but I dont get what’s going on this time.

likipie's avatar

@Dog @augustlan Therapists can’t fix everything, and I’m sick of people thinking they can. True, it may help some people but it’s not the answer to everyone’s problem, ok?

Dog's avatar

Hmmmm… I do not recall saying that therapists could fix everything, just saying they can point out things that the person does not see that can be helpful. Why that hate on therapists?I do believe a good one can make a positive difference in a persons life. Fix everything? Nobody can do that. But help improve life, yes.

likipie's avatar

@Dog I don’t hat therapists I’m just saying people treat them like gods and it’s ridiculous. I’ve been through many therapists in my short lifetime and none of them have helped at all.

likipie's avatar

*hate. I don’t hate therapists.

Dog's avatar

@XOIIO Your post here mentions several issues I want to address:

I”’m not the image of physical perfection scociety wants, I’m pretty far from it.”
Sorry for the language here but fuck society. Be you. There are a lot of soul mates out there you can find, but you are unlikely to find them by burying yourself in coding and computers.

“I ended it because I knew someone better would come along, and chances are I’d fade out fo the picture so I just ended it”
Wtf dude…. EVERYTHING ends. Do not refuse to ride the roller coaster because it will end- ride it to the end and go out with the full experience. You owe it to yourself to enjoy every second of it that you can. Never end a relationship out of fear it is going to end. Experiencing everything you can and getting hurt still feels better than dropping out early and missing out.

You sound like you do not think you are worthy of a relationship. You ditched out early, now you are thinking you are not cut out to have a companion. That or you are afraid of getting close to someone. This is pretty common- lets face it- giving your heart out is scary.

But nothing ventured, nothing gained. Know there is someone out there who will make you laugh, love what you code, love your quirky, intelligence.

In the meantime you should embrace life and nature. Let your creativity go free.

This will all soon be a distant memory.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

First, I am not a doctor, and so far, no one on this thread is either. You cannot diagnose yourself as clinically depressed, and neither can anyone else who is on this thread so far.

I happen to be bipolar, and I know depression like the back of my hand. There are some pretty simple ways that I take care of my own mental illness.

1. I take my medication daily as prescribed. You have not mentioned being on any medication, so I’ll assume you’re not. I only write it here, because it has proven to work for me over the many years I’ve been taking it. You might want to tell your family doctor what’s going on to see what s/he recommends.

2. I exercise. It’s amazing how a vigorous walk will lift my spirits every time.

3. I keep my appointments with my psychiatrist and my therapist, and I tell them everything that is going on in my life. Again, this is about me. Should you decide to talk to your family doctor or even a school counselor about what’s going on, be open and honest.

4. I remain sober. It’s important for me. Since you’re underage, I hope this isn’t an issue for you.

5. I try to eat wholesome food. This is probably where I fall short, because I think I live on peanut butter.

6. I share what I have learned. I don’t believe that it’s possible for me to remain happy and healthy without helping others. I do it by participating in a 12-step program and by being available to talk heart-to-heart with friends and others.

7. I stay active by reading, being with family and friends, watching educational TV, playing games, laughing, loving, etc.

8. I take care of myself and my house. I brush my teeth twice a day. Some days, that’s the only thing I can accomplish, but in my view, if I’ve done at least one nice thing for myself each day, then it is a successful day .

9. I meditate. I’m not a religious nut, but I believe that meditation helps me remain healthy and happy and useful.

10. When I get depressed, I remind myself that it is not a permanent condition. I tell myself that I will eventually feel better. And I say positive things to myself, even if I don’t believe them at the moment.

Good luck to you. Feel free to ask me any questions here or through PM.

XOIIO's avatar

@Hawaii_Jake Yeah I have aspergers and adhd and some other crap, I don’t need meds for it though, and exercise barely helps me feel better. I haven’t touched alcohol or drugs once in my life.

@Dog I ended it because I would have rather done that then just waited for it to end, she changed to a bigger school and I knew there would be hundreds of better candidates than me. As for the nothing ventured nothing gained, I did ask the other person I had interest in, but nothing really happened, and it became apparent she wasn’t interested in the kind of person I am.

Basically the only way I fit into society is doing stuff with computers or coding or things like that, while other people are the ones hanging out at bars and partying and all that crap. I’m naturally the outcast, it doesn’t matter how I conduct myself or my attitude, I’ve tried, and people catch on. I’m the smart guy who doesn’t fit in. It’s become obvious over the years, Like I said, I’ve only had one person interested in me, and she was the more popular go out partying type, she’d end up going back into that group eventually.

I know there’s all that crap people say about finding someone who isn’t just interested in physical appearance but I highly doubt that, the part of my personality that is for relationships isn’t suited to this body.

All I’m really doing now is expanding a bit but mostly going in circles, thats what my thoughts are doing right now, the only peace I get is when I am asleep or keeping my mind busy with music or movies or a computer, but even then afterwards it comes rushing back.

Someone’s probably going to say that “one day you’ll meet the right girl” line crap, but what ar ethe chances of that, out of 18 years, how many hundreds of people I’ve met, only one person ahs actually been interested in me. I wish I could selectively remove memories, that would make this so much easier, or not have even gotten into a relationship in the first place, it clearly was a bad idea, but the weak primitive side of me that has all the passion and chivalry and crap took over and now its fucking my head up.

There, fucking circles again, I’m going to get what peace I can for tonight, then wake up and go through this again. See you guys.

Aethelflaed's avatar

Maybe call a suicide hotline? The national one is 1–800-273–8255. I know you haven’t said you were suicidal, but they’re really just a great place to get advise and resources for all depression, not just the suicidal variety. Plus, a little bit of free professional help.

wildpotato's avatar

What you describe sounds a lot like my high school experience. Things got better for me as soon as I got out of there. People do get less judgmental and more mature as they get older, particularly when they do things like go to college or a job and get shoved into new social circles where people are trying to become something they want to be or do something they want to do, and not just last out their time in an environment they dislike.

I agree that 18 years is a good chunk of time, and that you must have met lots of potential ladymates – but this is not a balanced picture of people in the world, since most of your peers have been children up to this point. Give yourself time to meet some adults, now that you are one yourself.

Keep in mind that it gets better. Humans are marvelously long-lived animals – try to remember that life will last quite a while and that it will change in ways you can’t begin to imagine now. I’m only 26, and I never would have guessed at some of the things I love doing now. I met the person who is probably the love of my life when I was 19. We are still together.

Also, I second the others about exercise. I’d do more than walk, though – I can only successfully erase my thoughts if I’m doing some good cardio.

Kayak8's avatar

I am a little confused. Were you with this person for 18 years since you were 17 (you are now 35ish) OR are you 18 and you were with this person for 1 year? It your situation is the latter, most of those 18 years don’t really count as relationship potential because you were either a baby or a little kid regardless of how many people you met along the way. Many with Aspergers form meaningful adult relationships (we have several on Fluther).

There are also ways to reframe how you think about this. For example, she may be the perfect other half for you but perhaps the timing was wrong. It is entirely possible you could meet up later in life and everything comes together at a different time in your life. Perhaps your responsibility between now and then is to make yourself the perfect person to be in a long-term committed relationship so it has a chance to work later. This includes normal developmental stages of young adulthood like learning to talk about your feelings and not stuffing them, or practicing what empathy looks like.

She may not be the one, but wouldn’t it be awful to miss out on this opportunity to prepare yourself to be the perfect person to be in a future relationship? I firmly believe that when we are ready, the right things happen just the way they are supposed to. I know, for me, my best use of my energy is not tearing myself down but working diligently to build myself up, learning new skills and habits, and getting ready mentally and physically for what will appear on my future agenda whether I am ready or not.

XOIIO's avatar

@Kayak8 It was last year when I was 17

mazingerz88's avatar

You are going to meet the right girl. Just kidding!

Ok, first, I think you have something going for you to survive this. You got smarts. You could clearly analyze your situation. Also I’m going to venture you have a good heart. When total darkness sets in, a person with a good heart could face, even quell that darkness with guess what, kindness.

Yes, kindness. You may not know it or feel it. But every time you adapt to survive, listen to music, watching movies or just plain contemplating or crying while sitting on the toilet, you are being kind to yourself. You are surviving. You are living a life. Your life. When you are holding back feelings of hatred for those people or things who do not deserve it, that is kindness. You don’t go on blindly blaming others for your “being you”.

I’d say don’t walk, don’t exercise, don’t do anything that isn’t you. If you do, you’ll feel crappier. But don’t sulk in a corner and wait for rats to gnaw on your ass either. Do all those things that are uniquely you and adaptable for your survival. Welcome to the club of music listening, movie watching broken hearted teens around the world.

Feel better that you are not the only one. Wish that more of you would wake up tomorrow free of pain and suffering. Screw the psychiatrists. Who has the money for that? And even if you do, would you spend that money on counseling or buy a gadget for yourself? Buy a gift for a family member, a friend who cares deeply for you?

There’s an end to your troubles. There is always an end. Sometimes you know how things would end, most other times you don’t. In the meantime, keep breathing. Go with the flow. You have time. In your age, so much time. Keep on it

GladysMensch's avatar

You sound a lot like me, at times in my life. I’ve suffered from clinical depression off and on for 20+ years. I’ve quit things that would have been good (jobs, relationships, school), because I was expecting a bad outcome. I’ve isolated myself by spending copious amounts of time online. I’ve hated myself and the world. I can truly empathize with your situation. It’s not a fun place to be.

I’ve come to realize that there are things I can do to minimize my symptoms (exercise, talking with trusted people, meditation, medication), but there is nothing I can do to “cure” it. I have these thoughts and emotions due to the physical and chemical workings of my brain. I can no more “suck it up and work through it” than I can control the amount of insulin created by my pancreas. You wouldn’t consider a diabetic as weak and pathetic because he/she couldn’t control their insulin levels. So, why do you, and we as a society, consider someone as such for an inability to control their serotonin levels?

Basically, go see a professional. It’s really no different than asking us (fluther) for advice, except a professional is trained, and has access to facilities, information, and, if needed, medications that can drastically improve your life.

Finally, you are very young. I know that doesn’t make the pain any less real. However, you’re going through a stage that is tough in everyone’s life. Your body is not done physically maturing. Emotions are extremely strong at that time in our lives. Things will change just with the passage of time. And remember, your ex was your FIRST girlfriend. Indicative that there will be another. Don’t quit after one experience that didn’t turn out as you hoped. You wouldn’t give up on, let’s say… gaming, after playing one crappy game. You wouldn’t think “that sucked, I’m never playing another video game ever”. You would think about what exactly made the game “sucky”, and get a different game that didn’t have those qualities.

Good luck.

Dutchess_III's avatar

First, I’d like to say that “hot and heavy on the sex” does NOT come only to those who are “older.”

Second, you ended the relationship prematurely because of what you “just knew” was going to happen…but you didn’t really know. So, is that how you plan to end all of your future relationships, prematurely, because you “know” they’re going to meet some one “better” than you?

You definitely need to talk to someone to figure out why in the hell your self confidence is so low. If it’s really just because of the way you look physically then you can do some thing about a lot of it (join a gym so you have someone coaching you and pushing you…all you have to do is show up) and everything will be fine. But I have a feeling it goes much, much deeper than that. You could look like Adonis but you’d still feel the same way about yourself. You need to find out why, and put it to bed.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Charles Why on earth would your first reaction be to describe mind-altering drugs, probably for life, rather than addressing the underlying issues?

mazingerz88's avatar

@XOIIO Btw, interesting coincidence. The past three weeks, I’ve been missing reading the posts of some jellies who haven’t been visiting. They may have dropped Fluther for good. Maybe not. Hope not. But guess what, dude. This morning, your avatar and name flashed in my head. And I thought, so what’s up with that dude? Well, now I know. Darn. : (

SpatzieLover's avatar

@XOIIO Both my husband & my son have Asperger’s Syndrome (which includes ADHD as the diagnosis). I feel compelled to suggest that you do talk to a therapist.

Have you sought out PEERS Social Skills therapy? Or a Meet Up group with your local branch of Autism Society? Many times the teen or adult group will have a therapist or doctor that will work with those that want extra help for a reduce fee or for free (due to corporate sponsorships).

I also recommend that you see your doctor and ask to have your vitamin D level checked. This is a horrible time of year for Aspies that suffer from S.A.D. as the body is usually at it’s lowest D level just prior to summer.

If you can, I suggest you check out WrongPlanet.net (a social site just for Aspies) as there are many useful relationship, depression, and almost all other lfe issues you will face.

I am an NT married to an Aspie. From our experience I can tell you that most of the Aspie relationships we know of, the Aspie didn’t meet a lot of people to date, just one or two quality people. I know that might not be what you want to hear right now, but that is the reality of your neurological difference. You are an Einstein/Edison/Gates type of being. You need a special someone that will understand that about you.

I can also tell you that most of the Aspies we know are married to/dating either speech therapists or OTs. Just a hint ;) for you and your dating future.

If you would take the time, I also recommend reading Be Different. John Elder Robinson explains how the Aspie as a late blooming type ofindividual can use that to his full advantage to become an expert in a field. It’s a morale booster. If he or David Finch come to a bookstore for a signing near you, I highly recommend you check it out. My husband finds talks given by other adult Aspies better than therapy in the way of mood/self-esteem boosting. It’s useful to hear how they’ve learned to cope in the NT world by being themselves.

If you ever want to PM me, please feel free to do so. I am always willing to talk. I am in the trenches here in my home. Though I don’t know what it’s like to live inside your brain, I have a great understanding ofhow to help your brain type get through rough patches.

CWOTUS's avatar

Thanks for asking this, really. I’ve been concerned about you, because of your occasional negative self-descriptions, but since you hadn’t asked it was none of my business to say anything on the topic.

On the one hand, almost no one – certainly no one that I’ve ever met in 58 years walking the planet – feels himself or herself to be “the model of physical perfection”. A lot of people I know are downright unattractive, physically, and that’s on their best day. They also quite frequently aren’t all that bright, attentive or even nice. And yet, somehow they manage: to get, hold and sometimes excel in employment; to find mates who stay with them and want to have children with them; have the children and are loved by them as well, and maintain more or less active social calendars with a wide range of friends and associates who value their company.

Your looks are not holding you back, but your self-assessment of your looks and your attitude about yourself certainly is, at least a little bit. But even that is mostly rationalization. You’re rationalizing an entire negative self-image and ascribing that to “lack of physical attractiveness” on the one hand, and “others’ inability to discover your sterling inner self”. There’s always some truth to that, but never to the extent that you have described.

You’re not as ugly as you think you are, unless you think that so hard that you make it a focal point of your thoughts, in which case you could become far uglier than you even imagine. By that I mean: “you’re probably not as perfect ‘inside’ as you think you are”, either. But so what? Few people are saints, either, and I don’t think I would enjoy the company of a saint for very long.

I suspect that you are very likely clinically depressed, but as @Hawaii_Jake has said (and maybe others as well – in my ego-centricity I have not read all of the responses) you can’t be adequately assessed for this over the Internet.

You need to talk to a qualified professional face-to-face about your feelings, regardless of how unsuccessful you want to predict that will be in advance. If you do it, and do it honestly and persistently – these feelings are not going to be magically dispelled in a single session, a week of “working out”, or even, probably in any way that you can notice from week to week – then you may look back on this day in a year, two years or even longer… and not even recognize the person who wrote with such anguish.

Let’s hope so, anyway.

It’s up to you to continue that process. Congratulations for having the courage to start it. Good luck.

XOIIO's avatar

Well I guess I’m taking anti-depressants, since my mother turned into a bitch and frreaked out, basically if I don’t take them I get kicked out of the house. Nice way to react, huh?

People supporting therapy=0
People supporting meds=1

CWOTUS's avatar

Parents, like some women, are a lot like “regular people”. They sometimes panic and act irrationally. The other weakness that parents sometimes have is that you know all of their buttons, and you can push them at nearly any time. Sometimes even unconsciously and automatically.

If you can hold your emotions in check for awhile, that is, the self-loathing as well as the bitch-hating (because she pushes your buttons, too – I get that) then you might be able to have an honest conversation with her (when you hear your voice rising in volume or find yourself cutting off her speech in any way, then you have to dial it back and slow down – and listen, too) then you might be able to guide her to what it is that you need. But some people (and parents, too) will grab at whatever straw seems to be floating in the soup they find themselves in.

Keep in mind that no matter how it seems sometimes, she probably loves you. She’s more than likely operating with that guiding principle. She may be misguided, wrong in her facts and operating with a lot of her own bias and fixed ideas, but I expect that she has your best interests in mind.

augustlan's avatar

She may be attempting to use ‘tough love’ to get you to do what she thinks is best for you.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@XOIIO Look at the meds as temporary. I agree with @CWOTUS completely. Your mom most likely acted out of desperation. It’s hard to hear, but the reality of this was that she was concerned for you and acted from that concern.

Look at the need for a supportive community as a lifetime necessity. You are an adult now. You are going to have to begin taking your neurodiversity and use it to your advantage. Reach out to an Autism Society network near you.

The meds may assist you in getting out of the hole you’re in. The community will help you stay afloat. If you contact the Autism Society, they will help you find the support you need. No matter what, it sounds to me like you need a trasitional plan to help you get out on your own in the future.

jnkpauley's avatar

Try volunteering. A lot of our difficulties can be put into perspective when helping others less fortunate than we are. Food bank? Habitat for Humanity? How about a nursing home? Good luck.

XOIIO's avatar

I hate other people

also, this is long gone

CWOTUS's avatar

You reminded me of a fine quote.

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