Social Question

Blackberry's avatar

Why does it sometimes seem like people are attracted/interested in you after you're in a relationship?

Asked by Blackberry (31933points) April 27th, 2012

It must be a coincidence, but it’s always when I’m involved with someone that women start eye-screwing me and hitting on me. Some even have done it when they see me with the other woman.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Give me the answers I want, pal. I only want nice people to answer.

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35 Answers

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Are these women that you already knew that are now displaying interest, or are they women you have never met? Your response will help provide an answer.

Blackberry's avatar

Women I’ve never met.

wundayatta's avatar

They say that the best aphrodisiac for another woman is to see someone else on your arm. When you have someone, you tend to be more confidence, and confidence attracts. Also, it’s like an advertisement—you’re preapproved by a woman!

You know how at a store, you see someone pawing through a bin, and you wonder what’s so interesting? Someone else comes up, and then another person, and in seconds there’s a crowd looking through the same bin.

It’s like that. Women want to check out the merchandise that interests other women, and make sure they don’t let someone get away with a steal.

Men, it goes without saying, would never do anything like that.~

Blackberry's avatar

It’s too bad we can’t all share what’s in the bin…..

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@wundayatta LOL! The analogy is priceless. Is it limited to women though?

@Blackberry Another side may be that you have an underlying feeling of being limited by the choice you have made to date someone exclusively.

Charles's avatar

Never been the case for me. The more they get to know me, the less interested they become.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@wundayatta I did. But it makes me wonder, at the risk of making a sexist remark, is this generally a female trait? I’ve witnessed the draw to unavailable men by women, as well as the discounted sale bin. In my limited experience, this occurs much less frequently with men.

Blackberry's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer Well, of course. Lol.

This isn’t serious at all, I was just making an observation. There’s a saying that one is more attractive when they’re in a relationship, I guess based on wundayatta’s anecdote.

wundayatta's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer, the tilde indicates sarcasm as in this is a human trait, not just a female trait. I was just spoofing around, in the spirit of the question.

gailcalled's avatar

After I was married (at 20), I became, for the first time in my life, a magnet. At work, during academic seminars I got many across-a-crowded-room hints and suggestions. I think it was because (in those days, at least) I was suddenly and clearly sexually active.

Some variety of me strutting my stuff, subtly, of course.

Blackberry's avatar

@gailcalled Hmmm, go on…..

gailcalled's avatar

Too late. I would need new stuffing in order to duplicate that early surprising confidence.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

The psychology really does work. When my daughter changed high schools, all the other girls had boyfriends and she didn’t, so when one of the clubs held a valentine fundraiser where you could send your girl a rose in class, I sent her one with the note, “from your secret admirer.” Boy, did that work! Not only did the boys all become interested in her, but her own self-confidence was boosted. To this day (she is now married and 30 years old) she doesn’t know that it was me.

gailcalled's avatar

@Skaggfacemutt:What a lovely gesture. That is what I call creative and wonderful parenting.

When my no ex-husband was thinking of leaving our marriage and I was still thinking I wanted him, I had the florist’s deliver two dozen roses with almost the same note. Mr. Gailcalled perked up briefly.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Because when you “have someone” you exude confident satisfaction. That’s always attractive.

@Skaggfacemutt So VERY cool!

Blackberry's avatar

Hmmm, I just thought of something: if I pretend there’s always a girlfriend near me, my chances of courting new women will increase?!

Dutchess_III's avatar

No, @Blackberry. We have ESP, you know. :)

tups's avatar

I must admit that this has happened to me. There was this guy whom I was getting to know and I guess we could have been romantically involved, but I only saw him as a friend. Then he got a girlfriend and suddenly I wanted him. Why do we always want what we can’t have, but not when it’s right there in front of us?

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

@eiram Because when a guy doesn’t have a girlfriend, it makes you wonder what might be wrong with him. Then some other girl gives him the stamp of approval, and that dispells your fears. That is how I see it, anway.

Blackberry's avatar

And that’s how the wingwoman was created.

Plucky's avatar

People want what they can’t have.

tups's avatar

Would be nice if someone would tell us what we really want.

ninjacolin's avatar

another idea.. maybe a lot of people want someone who’s decisive. If you’ve made a decision to be with someone, you must be capable of making decisions.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@ninjacolin But…it’s also a decision if you would rather be single because you aren’t willing to settle for just anybody.

ninjacolin's avatar

pff, like anyone would believe in a person who’s single on purpose.

Bellatrix's avatar

Perhaps you are feeling and therefore exuding confidence, sexual satisfaction and happiness. Maybe you are more relaxed because you aren’t actively ‘looking’. It is amazing how we can send out signals but be totally unaware we are doing it. Would be nice if you could figure it out so you can replicate it if you end up single again.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@ninjacolin I’m raising my hand. After my divorce I wasn’t willing to bring just anyone into my children’s lives. It wasn’t so much a conscious decision to be single just…didn’t want to take the chance. Didn’t meet anyone who I was willing to take the chance with until they were well into their teenage years.

linguaphile's avatar

I think the answer’s in the ‘exuding confidence, sexual satisfaction and happiness.’

When I was married to my abusive ex-husband, the only looks I got over 12 years was from a toothless, overweight construction worker that I accidentally ran into at a gas station. That did nothing for my confidence and at that time, I had absolutely no confidence or will to enjoy life.

After I was separated, I started to get more friendly looks. Later when I got my confidence back, fell head over heels over someone, I got much more attention and I’m still not taken.

From that—I’m going to assume it’s not the “taken” part that’s significant, but the “happy” part.

Paradox25's avatar

Yes, but no more so than when I’m single. I think this phenomenon is common, and women (more so than men) were shown in various experiments to actually be more attracted to attached men vs unattached men, even when it was the same guy playing both roles here. Maybe the fact that you were ‘approved’ by another woman is at least one reason why they may be more attracted to you. Of course there are many women who aren’t like that so the best answer I can give you is that inaccessibility seems to add to the value of almost anything, including people.

ninjacolin's avatar

@Dutchess_III, I see what you mean. Yea, that might be pretty antagonizing for a sincerely interested person… Still somehow I want to argue that being single or attached is as much a choice as being hetero or not. :P

augustlan's avatar

@Blackberry you have a girlfriend now? How you doin’?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Sounds like it @augustlan…and he is FINALLY getting the girls to FINALLY notice him! Heh! :)

boxer3's avatar

This happens to me, except its dudes, not the ladies.
It’s funny really.
It happens with males I don’t know, and also any other male I’ve ever
interacted with ever-seem to have a beeper that goes off as they each
remember I’m alive and conveniently want to see how I am doing or hang out…

Sundown4's avatar

I have seen and experienced this before also. I think it’s just that, we seem MORE valuable, noticed, exciting when we are with someone ELSE. Rather than alone. Like “something” MUST be wrong if we are alone??!!!! People watch us as we relate to another person. Somehow we seem worth MORE if “someone” wants us! that’s WRONG! BUT it’s stupid “human” nature!

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