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adr's avatar

Friend's history with Boyfriend?

Asked by adr (434points) April 27th, 2012

My boyfriend recently introduced me to a friend of his. She seemed super cool, and invited me to hang out. We hung out a few times, and she’s a really cool girl! We get along great!

Last time we hung out, we were talking and she told me a story which included her telling me about a week-long period, from a few years ago, when she and my boyfriend liked each other. She told me that they had made-out, that he wanted to have sex, but that she hadn’t wanted to since they were good friends. Nothing ever happened after that. I think she was just trying to be honest so that she wasn’t hiding anything from me.

This all happened long before my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, but I felt momentarily uncomfortable. I felt like I had to hide the fact that it was the first I was hearing about it, and I really wish my bf had given me the heads-up.

I don’t know if I’m over-reacting about it. I now feel weary about hanging out with the two of them together which I know is silly since their history is so far in the past, and she is now in a committed loving relationship and all.

I thought that I wanted to say something to him about it, something along the lines of “please tell me next time you introduce me to someone you’ve hooked up with”. Because mostly, I think that finding out from her made me feel uncomfortable, like I was finding out a secret he’d been hiding from me.

I really love him, I know he loves me too.
Am I way over-thinking it? Should I forget about it? Or can I say something?

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12 Answers

sinscriven's avatar

Yes, you’re overreacting.

It’s irrelevant to your relationship. It happened a long time ago, and nothing ever actually happened, It’s not about hiding anything, it’s just not worth bringing up to you, especially when the outcome will only be negative. (Like you are acting right now).

You really don’t want to hear about every single attempt failed or successful of a guy getting into a girl’s pants. It gets either boring really quick or will send your brain into a self-created insecurity hell. i guess you could casually bring it up in conversation and maybe he’ll divulge his side of the story, but this is not a thing to have a “discussion” about. Making a mountain out of an anthill is gonna raise flags.

lemonylime's avatar

Yeah, I think you’re over thinking it. Really, it was the past and before you two were even dating. I don’t really think you can hold him accountable for something he did long before you were with him unless it truly affects your relationship, which it doesn’t/shouldn’t. You’re friends with her now and that is the past, and if you have been dating for a short time, it shouldn’t matter because you’re not that far with him anyways. And if you have been dating him for a long time, it must have been months or years ago that this happened, so don’t worry about it. I think the worst thing you could do is to nag him or scold him for it, because how you mentioned your idea of confronting him sounds bitchy and jealous, whether you really are or not. Just keep going with your boyfriend and continue with your girl-friend, and don’t get the lines crossed between relationships.

wundayatta's avatar

It’s a shock. I can understand that you would be having these questions. And yes, you probably do want to hear it from your boyfriend first, but then, it’s not that big a deal. Do you want him to tell you about every girl he ever kissed? Or only the ones he is still friends with? I think that’s a little much to ask.

So take some time. You’ll come to grips with it. I don’t think it really says anything about your relationship or your bf. But I can understand it being a shock. Still, I think you may want to try to act like it’s not a big deal, and plan for it not to be a big deal.

augustlan's avatar

Honesty is a good thing, especially when communicating about your feelings. I’d probably tell him the truth, that it kind of made you feel a little weird hearing it from her. Don’t make a big deal out of it, but I’d tell him you’d appreciate a heads up if something like this is going to come up again.

tedd's avatar

I can understand the discomfort, but it doesn’t sound like anything crazy transpired between them. Making out isn’t as bad as say having sex or some other sex act (in my book anyways).

It may take you a bit to get over, but I trust in time you’ll realize it was no biggie.

adr's avatar

haha thanks guys. nothing like the brutal honesty of fluther to tell my insecurities to shut the f* up. I needed that. thank you :)

marinelife's avatar

Wait. Hooked up with? I thought that they did not have sex. They kissed. Would you tell your boyfriend about every guy that you kissed that he was going to meet?

Your boyfriend is with you now.

She is in a committed relationship. She did have any interest in him way back then. Why would she now?

At most, you can ask him if he ever had any romantic interest in her.

Carly's avatar

Here’s my two cents: I’ve hooked up with friends before, but I’d never tell their current girlfriends if I wanted to be friends with them. Just sayin’

Ela's avatar

He probably didn’t say anything because…
a). he’s forgotten all about it
b). he doesn’t care either way that it happened
c). it meant nothing to him
d). all of the above

My money is on c or d. It meant nothing to him therefore why bring it up? The fact that she she brought it, I’m betting it meant a little bit more to her then she’s letting on. I’d keep a side eye on her and not be so quick to befriend this girl. Relationships are tough enough without someone planting crappy negative seeds like this in them. Who tells a guys current girlfriend about things like that?
If anyone needs talking to, it’s her, imo

john65pennington's avatar

This is why some things are better off unsaid.

Would you better if she had not told you this?

I think so.

lonelydragon's avatar

It’s understandable that you would be upset, because it came as a surprise to you. Like @Carly and @Ela have said, why would she tell you this? I agree with them about not being too quick to trust her. She may still have feelings for him, and that may be why you felt uncomfortable being with the two of them together. That’s your gut telling you to keep an eye out for her.

With that said, I wouldn’t recommend lashing out at your boyfriend over this. I’m willing to bet that it didn’t mean anything to him, so he didn’t think to mention it to you. But you should probably talk to him anyway so that your relationship isn’t poisoned by any lingering hurts or resentment. Also, he will probably sense that you don’t feel comfortable hanging out with the two of them and want to know why. Just tell him what you’ve told us. Explain that you would’ve preferred to find out from him first.

MrsLorraine's avatar

I think you have nothing to be worried about, I mean about your boyfriend. BUT! I still think, it’s weird she talked to YOU, about that thing that happened..mmm i dont know, but I think this girl still might have feelings for your boyfriend somehow, so, kind of keep an eye on her.

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