General Question

nighttripper's avatar

Help me convince my bf to get tested please.

Asked by nighttripper (162points) May 27th, 2008

I’ve been asking him for what seems like forever. 3 or 4 days ago I told him I’m not going to do anything sexual with him anymore until he does. He said he doesn’t care (well that he “has a hand”) and doesn’t seem to believe I’m really going to stick to what I said and keeps pushing for “favors” even though I’ve turned him down a bunch already.

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to break up with him over it but I really want him to do it. And I don’t really know how long I can stick to my word (I am only human)... Any advice?

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55 Answers

lovelyy's avatar

you could say you want to get tested but don’t want to alone. i actually would need more information to give you a good answer. have you already had sex with him before? also is there a reason to why you’re asking him to get tested?

nighttripper's avatar

I already have been tested and he knows that. I just want him to because I think it’s a good idea and from what I hear his last girlfriend wasn’t the most faithful. We do use condoms, but those don’t always work and I guess I would like the freedom to not always have to worry about condoms. even if he still wants to use them we wouldn’t have to like if things started happening and we didn’t have any we’d be all set cause I’m on birth control. And the fact that there are things you can transmit from there to mouth.

plus his reluctance to do it is making me really worry that like maybe he already did and he has something he doesn’t want me to know about. I didn’t want to have to resort to the no sex tatics but I’ve been asking him forever and he won’t. He’s said he will but also that he doesn’t want to and doesn’t see the point and every other excuse on the planet and he hasn’t yet.

marinelife's avatar

You can’t really make someone do something they don’t want to do.

You could offer to go with him to have the test. Suggest something fun for afterward.

If he continues to refuse, I think your concerns are totally justified. Also, what does it mean that he is not willing to do this for you? It is not a good sign relationship-wise.

Good luck.

nighttripper's avatar

I have offered to go with him and I have suggested many fun things after but he’s got all these excuses I don’t really know what to do short of saying get tested or get out of here

MisterBlueSky85's avatar

Most people don’t like ultimatums (“either you take the test or no sex”). Maybe instead of denying him sex if he doesn’t go, try rewarding him with loud, mind-blowing sex if he does?

By the way, remember that if your boyfriend isn’t tested, condoms are your only protection from STI’s – the pill won’t do squat.

Trance24's avatar

Why do you tell him you will go with him, and get tested to? Maybe he will be more willing to do it if you go to. Try and explain to him you are just being safe, and not accusing him of being a STD magnet.

marinelife's avatar

@nighttripper It sounds like that is the unfortunate places where you are in this process.

nighttripper's avatar

@misterbluesky85 and trance24
I already tried the mind blowing sex offer and explained the free anonymous testing to him and offered to go with him and I have been tested since ive been going out with him. and I know to use condoms until he gets tested and probably a lot after too but yeah.

MisterBlueSky85's avatar

Maybe this is a sign that this relationship won’t work?

I mean, I’m sorry to be the first to say this, but if my girlfriend asked me to get tested, I would do it because I respect her, not because I wouldn’t get sex until I did. This guy doesn’t seem very considerate of your feelings. I wouldn’t want to date someone like that.

monsoon's avatar

Seriously, I can’t believe more people aren’t saying it, but take a look at how serious you want to be with him if he’s like this.

If not, show him some pictures of gross male stds. He won’t be getting any after that (since that seems to be what motivates him).

bluemukaki's avatar

Burn his hands while he is sleeping so he can’t satisfy himself and then promise sexy time after the test.

nighttripper's avatar

I don’t want to break up with him over it. That’s kind of what I’m trying to avoid. If he was disposable to me he would be gone by now.

lol i would but I’m not usually near him when he’s sleeping :(

mghb's avatar

I think you really don’t know what you want to do. Maybe you are afraid of being alone, maybe you think you need to be punished.

The first thing you have to do is to make up your mind and stick to it.

Your boyfriend does not believe you that you will not longer have relations with him and well you are thinking about it, so he is right.

You have been sleeping with him all this time, so why now do you want him to be tested, you must think something is not right and you are afraid to find out you are right. He is afraid that there could be something amiss.

Just decided what you want. Your boyfriend will not believe you until you believe yourself.

mghb's avatar

By the way Vics on the hand and private parts when he is sleeping will make him wonder. Apply warmed and very lightly.

nighttripper's avatar

I already know want I want him to get tested I dont really know what you’re getting at…

I decided now cause this relationship seems like it is going to last a pretty long time and I just went and got tested and got birth control for the first time and I think he should get tested too and now that I’m on birth control if he has no diseases we could worry less about always having condoms and all that.

MisterBlueSky85's avatar

Well how ‘bout you finally admit that you want him tested because you think YOU might have an STI? Sure it’s underhanded, but it’d get him to test himself, right?

nighttripper's avatar

oh I’ve thrown that out too that I might have one. but “we’ve used condoms every time” and I got tested (we dont know the results yet) he’s so retarded i wanna hit him with a book (maybe one about sex could knock some sense into him)

MisterBlueSky85's avatar

Condoms don’t prevent STI’s 100% of the time and your tests aren’t back yet.

This is VERY personal, but have you ever given him oral sex when you’ve had a cold sore? It’s a strain of herpes that could have passed onto his naughty bits. Even if your test comes clean, he could, theoretically, have that.

I dunno, now I’m just throwing out anything. It sounds like he’s made up his mind.

nighttripper's avatar

well I’ve never had a cold sore so no on that. I’ve even told him that I could be lying and have aids or something so he should get tested but i think he saw through that threatish thing.

I can’t think of any way to get him down there short of tying him up, throwing him in the trunk and taking him there, but I’ve never got my liscense so I can’t :(

nighttripper's avatar

btw that link is the grossest thing I’ve seen in a while

richmarshall's avatar

Has he been tested before? Maybe he remembers the pain of it and is being a scardy cat. (sorry, I have no idea how to spell that)

nighttripper's avatar

He says he hasn’t been but like i said his reluctance is making me worried that maybe he has and he has somthing he doesn’t want me to know about

bulbatron9's avatar

How old are you two?

How many people does he admit to being with?

Also, your profile says you’re an expert in Satanism. What is that about?

nighttripper's avatar

We are both 17 and he says just one but i guess she wasn’t very faithful. He told me she called him Paul in bed once. His name is Jake. It’s the same amount of letters, but not quite the same name. We’ve been together 6 months now.

bulbatron9's avatar

It doesn’t sound like you have much to worry about, but you never know! Just keep trying!

What’s up with the expertise in Satanism?

nighttripper's avatar

I’m a satanist. I figure if someone has a question about it I might be able to help them

bulbatron9's avatar

If you are that fucking tough! Then why would you worry about a little test?

Anton LeVey would disown you!

delirium's avatar

satanism isn’t worshiping of Satan. Its a worshiping of selfhood.


bulbatron9's avatar

I’ve read “The Satanic Bible” by Anton LeVey!

I was just giving her shit! Two of my best friends are “Satanists”, and I don’t think I said anything to offend.

I lurve you anyway, Del!

Also, I don’t judge people by their beliefs! More power to you! If Satan makes you a better person, then Go For It!

nighttripper's avatar

I actually dont like anton lavey that much. I believe in his philosophy but from what i hear was a total jackass and pervert. I dont think i’d like to know him personally but i wont really ever have to worry about that cause hes dead now.

GD_Kimble's avatar

the answer is DUMP HIM.
“But why?”: You ask? Here’s why:
His refusal to get tested, added to the seeming of lack of concern for your feelings (not to mention-safety) clearly constitutes a lack of respect for the relationship, and a lack of respect for YOU.
You’re 17— there’s a lifetime of better guys out there, yet to be discovered, who aren’t irresponsible douchebags, so it’s not the end of the world.
So, no games
No trickery.
It’s grown up time. Tell him he has to get tested or he has to get lost. At the very least, respect YOURSELF enough to to do it.

chill_out's avatar

What would happen if he agreed to get tested and tested positive for something? What would your reaction be?

chaosrob's avatar

If this person doesn’t care about easing your worry or making you (and himself) safe, then you need to seriously reconsider spending time with him. Your feelings should be important to the one you’re with. It’s also possible he’s reluctant because he already suspects he’s sick. Either way, you’re right to withdraw sex until it’s resolved.

emilyrose's avatar

this guy is bad news. i’ve dealt with this before and i think with enough prodding a good guy or gal would go along with the test. nobody enjoys being tested, but it has to be done. get rid of him and find a good one…... you probably know this in your gut already…........

delirium's avatar

I had a friend who had had unprotected sexual intercourse who needed to get tested but wouldn’t for a very long time because he was utterly terrified of the results if they were positive. It took us six months to get him to go (and he was negative in the end) but the getting him there was the worst bit.

Maybe if you have a talk with your boyfriend and aknowledge that he might be afraid of it being positive. Don’t use threats, don’t be angry. Explain how frustrating it is for you to have to deal with someone who is refusing to protect you. Explain to him that if he cares for your safety… he should go with you and do it. Tell him that you understand that he’s afraid that it might be positive, but tell him that it probably won’t be. This is just a ‘just-in-case’ kind of test. Tell him that you trust him, but you just have to be sure. Explain that you’ll be there with him the whole time, and if its positive… you’ll help him. There’s a good chance that he’s terrified that you’ll walk out on him if you find out that he’s ‘defective’.

There’s a very good chance that he is in denial and doesn’t want to get tested because it will knock him out of that safety zone of dissasociation. Ignoring it doesn’t work, though. Troubles will come back ten times stronger and harder than they were the first time.

Make him feel truly safe with you. Comfort him. This is something that is hard for everyone. Imagine if you had to take a pregnancy test and were absolutely terrified that it was going to come out positive.

Help him with his fears and not only will your relationship expand, but you will probably be able to get him in.

loser's avatar

tell him that if he won’t get tested he won’t get with you and you’re moving on because he obviously doesn’t care about you.

nighttripper's avatar

I wouldnt have a negative reaction if he were posative for something. I’d just want him to get treated and if it were untreatable I’d just be really really careful with him. An illness is a shitty reason to leave someone. I should probably tell him that I guess.

nighttripper's avatar

Do any of you think it would be cruel or uncalled for if i told him i have chlamydia to get his ass down to the testing center?

delirium's avatar

I somehow doubt it would work. I really do think that he’s just scared.

lovelyy's avatar

seeing how you’re seventeen i wouldn’t recommend you saying that. i used to know a girl back in high school, she didn’t have an std but people said she did. she would get made fun of and have to deal with rude comments through out the day. she ended up being depressed and it wasn’t fun to see her hurt like others thought.

nighttripper's avatar

well he doesnt go to my school so rumors wouldnt be a problem at least not at my high school and i would tell him after he went that i just made that up to get him to go he might get mad but hed get over it

richmarshall's avatar

I don’t think it is a good idea to lie about an STD to convince him to get tested. Relationships are built on trust.

If he won’t do it for you without a lie, is he the person you want to be with?

nighttripper's avatar

Yay! He has an appointment on Tuesday :D And I didn’t even have to remind him this week he just did it all on his own. (well sort of you know)

scamp's avatar

Make sure you see the results in writing before doing anything with him. A friend of mine just had to have a c- section to deliver her baby because her boyfriend in high school lied about getting tested, and she now has herpes. Nice little momento from him, don’t you think?

nighttripper's avatar

Yeah I was thinking that exactly he keeps asking things like what if they dont give me a paper and I’m like well make them give you one and he says dont you trust me it’s making me a little uneasy but yeah im gona make him show me

scamp's avatar

Tell him if he wants to have sex with you he needs to produce that piece of paper. and if he brings up the issue of trust again, tell him it’s because he was so reluctant to get tested in the first place. Your life and health are not worth a few minutes of jollies for him. If he can’t understand that, he isn’t worth having sex with anyway.

jen157's avatar

I agree with MisterBlueSky85 show him a bunch of gross STD’s and the serious risks that are involved with sex. try setting his home page to this std pictures site so when he goes online maybe hell start to get the freakin hint.

sundayBastard's avatar

Everyone has AIDS in my eyes until tested. I had a buddy die of AIDS. Well, actually when he started to get sick, sick. he got in his jeep and pulled over on the side of the highway and blew his head off with a shotgun. And he got it cheating on his wife and left behind 3 year old twins.

So no test….No sex..

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Honey, you should break up with guy over this. Essentially he is telling you, “Nighttripper, your well-being doesn’t matter to me.”

The question you should be asking yourself is, “Do I love this guy so much that I’m willing to pay for it the rest of my life, even if he moves on?”

lovelace's avatar

I’ve never been in this exact situation but I did request that a friend guy of mine protect himself and he chose not to. In doing so, he chose NOT to be with me. You’re young, but not that young. You have a long way to go and you shouldn’t even risk screwing your life up early. You have made some strong decisions in life so far and that concerns me. Just take some time out to be a teenager. Don’t try to be too grown too fast and don’t settle. I know it seems like he could be the one but from what I can detect about your character right now, you have a lot to offer and you shouldn’t lower your standards to be with someone whose not going to respect you. If you let him get away with not doing this, it’ll trickle into other areas and before you know it, you would’ve lost control and eventually loose yourself and the values you have. Be smart.

kelly8906's avatar

I would be careful. There is no reason for him to refuse to get tested. If he has health insurance, it’s free and if not, I believe there are places that will do it for nearly nothing. He should respect you enough to at least be tested. I don’t know him, but just because he says he has only had sex with one girl, doesn’t make it true. My ex said the same thing, and SOMEHOW, bam, I ended up getting HPV (the one the causes cancer. It’s gone now, but it was a pain in the ass). I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, so I know it was him. Just be careful. :)

wadeo's avatar

Just a little FYI on HPV, for the males there is no test that can be done. For the most part HPV in the Female is most likely caused by Genital warts on the male some times these warts are smaller than the eye can see and he may not know about them for years all along the way they are causing HPV for the LADY. So the bottom line be careful and there is no reason why he should not want to get tested.

Leave Him…...

john10's avatar

You need to think twice your health is involve also. If he does’nt want to get tested you have no reason to stay.STD is getting higher now a days so be careful.


suchi787's avatar

Try to convince him with love. Giving warnings is no way to deal with your loved ones. Love is the only weapon with which you can melt a man. he will surely do what you want him to do. Also explain him the side effects of having a STD
. Make him realize the bad & worse condition of it.

Smashley's avatar

Tell him that if he has one, most are treatable, many are manageable, that is, unless you don’t know you have one.

There are a couple of useful persuasive tools you can use too. Tell him that you aren’t satisfied with a hand, and since you won’t screw an untested man, either he gets tested or it’s over.

If that isn’t your style, or you don’t feel strongly enough to break up over this, start insisting on condoms for “favors” (if you really are going to back down,) make sure you both wear underwear to bed (or he’s sleeping on the couch,) and buy yourself an armload of vibrators. Even if this doesn’t break him, at least your health and sexual gratification are accounted for.

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