Social Question

nikipedia's avatar

How would you react if you found out your SO had been lying to you about drug use?

Asked by nikipedia (27526points) May 17th, 2012

(Prompted by the other lying question.)

Suppose you and your significant other are in a serious relationship, living together and married or close enough to it. You discover that periodically throughout your relationship, your partner had taken recreational, illegal drugs at a rate of once every few months when you weren’t around. Your partner went out of his/her way to hide this information from you. There is no reason to believe addiction or drug abuse is at play.

How would you respond?

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39 Answers

syz's avatar

Hiding something like that indicates deep issues within the relationship to me. I’d open a dialogue about communication, privacy, and trust. And I’d also express my feelings that hiding one item makes me wonder if they would (or had) hidden other things.

chyna's avatar

Deal breaker. I wouldn’t trust him anymore after finding that he was keeping something like that from me. The worse part is him going out of his way to keep it from me.

Cruiser's avatar

Very unique question @nikipedia especially when you present it as absent an addiction. I would find it easier to support my S/O if I discovered an addiction over finding a few joints of pot or a few narcotics in a baggie she was hiding. With her raising our two boys I would not be surprised though! lol!

I guess it would start a conversation and see what her reason(s) were.

Blackberry's avatar

If it’s a harmless drug, I don’t care.

nikipedia's avatar

Let’s say the reason is that s/he assumed you wouldn’t approve, but wanted to do it anyway for fun.

deni's avatar

I think it depends a lot on what drug it is.

nikipedia's avatar

@deni, which ones would be ok, and which ones not ok? Any reason? Assuming the outcome is the same—no addiction, no one got hurt.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’d be angry that he thought he needs to hide that kind of insignificant thing from me.

chyna's avatar

The reason I answered as I did is that I dated a guy that was doing cocaine and hiding it from me. I found out that he was doing it and then coming to pick me up on his motorcycle. He put my life in danger. Had I known he was doing coke before picking me up on his motorcycle, I would’ve made the decision not to ride with him.

marinelife's avatar

I would be very upset. It would be a serious breach of trust not to disclose that information based on knowing my opinion of drug use.

deni's avatar

I would be upset that he thought I would feel so negatively about it that he had to go out of his way to keep it a secret. If it was mushrooms, ecstasy, acid I would be angry only that I wasn’t invited to join, and, also obviously because of the dishonesty. Cocaine, heroin? I would be unhappy. I don’t have any personal experience with either but I currently have a couple coworkers/friends who have recently had some pretty terrible things happen in their lives due to those drugs. So being so close to someone that I live with them, or am even married, and then finding out they dabble in that type of thing, I don’t know, it’d probably be pretty hard for me. I’m not even going to mention marijuana. If you get angry that your partner smokes weed you need to have a puff yourself.

Blackberry's avatar

@chyna I’m not sure if this is a dumb question, but does cocaine really impair people like that?

wundayatta's avatar

It would depend on why they felt they had to hide it from me. Probably if would be because I’m a righteous SOB and would have given them more shit than they deserved. I could understand them trying to protect themselves from that. Except I don’t see myself that way. So it might be the sign of a lack of communication and a dearth of trust. Something we’d need to work through. I can’t say for sure it would end well. Best to be open and honest with each other. Unfortunately, that’s not always the way it works out.

chyna's avatar

@Blackberry I would think if you took a lot of it coke would impair you. He didn’t seem impaired to me or I would never have gotten on his bike with him.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’ve been in this situation and for me, shite hit the fan. Like @chyna wrote, at the very least then there is the issue of safety, stemming from there I agree with @syz in that it started me wondering what all else had been hidden, ungenuine, tainted by ulterior motive.

Basically, anyone who does this to someone they say they love is chipping away at whatever good they believe they’re doing because it will discolor whatever has come before as well as taint future stuff.

IT. WILL. SUCK.

FutureMemory's avatar

I also agree with syz and chyna. Not sure it would necessarily be a deal-breaker, but it would be damn close.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I guess I’d feel the same as I would if I found my SO stashing secret bottles of (legal) booze around the house. Why are you hiding it?

YARNLADY's avatar

That would be a complete deal breaker for me.

Trillian's avatar

Definite deal breaker. If it was some weed, I would have liked to share. If it were cocaine or those stupid prescription meds, I have a horrible, unreasoning hatred. No negotiation, we’re done.

SuperMouse's avatar

My first gut reaction is that I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. If he isn’t addicted, it isn’t messing with his/our quality of life and he isn’t putting anyone in danger while using the drugs I would probably let it go. I think the only thing that would really put me off would be if it was something that was seriously addictive, super dangerous, and hard to kick such as meth or heroin. I would certainly sit down and have a heart to heart about why he is making the choice to do these drugs and why he felt he needed to hide it from me. I have to agree with @wundayatta in that if they he thought I would be a self-righteous jerk if I found out I must have been a pretty outspokenly judgmental person.

dabbler's avatar

Why didn’t the SO share some when you are around ?

nikipedia's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir, your boobs look awesome.

SuperMouse's avatar

@nikipedia they really do don’t they?

Coloma's avatar

Well…my favorite mantra ” If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing.”
There are only two obvious answers here.

A: The partner knows the other partner frowns on any sort of recreational drug use and is hiding it to avoid a conflict or…

B: The partner is lying, and is using more often than they are willing to admit. Lying and addiction are like cookies and milk, they always go hand in hand. Wow….2 analogies in one sentence. lol

I enjoy a little marijuana every so often, not a problem, but, if someone wasn’t willing to accept that about me I wouldn’t hide it to keep the peace.

nikipedia's avatar

@Coloma, I’m saying, assuming it’s A, and you’re the person it was hidden from…exactly how pissed are you? Is it a dealbreaker or just a big big red flag?

augustlan's avatar

I’d be very upset. Not so much about the drug use (depending on the drug), but about the lying. Don’t. Fucking. Lie to me! It pisses me off more than just about anything else. If it were the first time I was aware of him lying to me, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker, but there would be a serious discussion. If it were the second or third time? You’re out.

Coloma's avatar

@nikipedia Really pissed, but would want to understand WHY, rather than go nuts over when and where. I want all the cards on the table in my relationships, otherwise it’s dishonest game playing. Bottom line, choices need to be made. Either one concedes or one quits the behavior.

Coloma's avatar

To be really clear. Marijuana, no problem, in moderation. Anything else, BIG problem.

Bellatrix's avatar

I would be unhappy that he lied by omission. Trust is a huge part of our relationship.

This happened recently actually when I found out my husband had taken up smoking again. He was stressed about something and gave in to temptation. I found the evidence and challenged him. He knew I would be upset with him for starting to smoke again so he didn’t want to tell me. He felt I would be disappointed in him. He felt weak I suppose.

It isn’t a deal breaker though. He told me the truth when I asked him and he had his reasons for smoking – not good ones in my view – but I am not his keeper. My mention of the importance in terms of truth in our relationship was what made him explain what was going on. You would need to look at why he didn’t feel okay to tell you. Then both learn and move on from there.

nikipedia's avatar

Just for the record, this was purely hypothetical!

Coloma's avatar

If I am not aware something is hypothetical I’ll run with it. As rant the rant knows. lol

Bellatrix's avatar

Glad to hear it and it’s a good hypothetical question then.

downtide's avatar

Depends on the drug. If he’s smoking pot once or twice a month I wouldn’t be upset (I would want to know why he wasn’t sharing though!). It would be a dealbreaker if he was taking anything else, or taking drugs daily, or if the money he was spending was more than we could afford. In that situation the very first thing I would do is change my salary to be paid into my own personal bank account instead of the joint account.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@downtide I think the bigger point is, why is he hiding it, not what drug he’s taking.

trailsillustrated's avatar

Heroin? Coke? Meth? deal breaker for sure- that’s a real slippery slope. Weed? not so much.

jca's avatar

I think even if it were just weed, I would be like “why didn’t you ever even mention it? You mean you bought it, rolled it, did it when I wasn’t here, and maybe was high in my presence and never told me?” Nobody could use the excuse they didn’t want to share it because I don’t do it, but I would really find the secret troubling.

downtide's avatar

@Dutchess_III he would be hiding it because he nagged me for years about smoking and wouldn’t want to be seen as a hypocrite. That’s not really a dealbreaker to me.

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