Social Question

jessiemay25's avatar

Am I in this situation because the guy I'm seeing is eight years older?

Asked by jessiemay25 (105points) May 28th, 2012

Hi all :)

I have been seeing someone for about 3 months, 5 weeks of which he was away working interstate. I am 22 and he is 30. In that time we have not spoken a word of what we are to each other. I will be going overseas for 10 weeks in a couple of weeks time and he’s known that since we met and he’s spoken about speaking again when I get back. I wonder if he hasn’t told me how he feels/or wants because I’m travelling.

So far he’s been the one to allude to the future more than me suggesting we go away together and doing couple like things exp. take him clothes shopping. He says things like I’m amazing and a beautiful girl and once even said I might be doing his washing one day (another story). Initially I was very hesitant to date him but he’s turned out to be quite amazing, treats me well and with respect though I have no idea whether he is seeing anyone else. I know what you might be thinking are we friends with benefits, no it’s definitely more than that I would have walked away in the beginning if I didn’t sense he actually likes me a lot.

I’ve tried my hardest to not have feelings for him as I am going overseas but I’ve started falling in love with him despite not wanting a relationship before I go. However, when I return I can’t go back to the arrangement we have going, it’s got to be all or nothing. He’s travelling too, and has me a younger girl and he’s living the life at the moment and though I know he’s not just using me for certain things, I can’t help but feel I’m gaining less from this arrangement even though I do get to stay in his friends penthouse with him and park my car next to the ferrari!

I’m afraid that if I come across as demanding and pressuring him into making something happen it will backfire, though being patient for it to develop organically is so tedious!

My questions are…is this a normal situation for his age..treating me like his girlfriend but not having to talk about what we are? and how should I be responding to this? Do I tell him how I feel before I leave? Whats the best way to go about saying it?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated it’s driving me crazy!

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13 Answers

Trillian's avatar

Put it out of your mind until you get back. See where you are then.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

I think you need to do some serious logical thinking and ask this question again.

For example, you say you don’t want an FWB relationship… but that seems (to the dispassionate outside observer) like that’s exactly what you have: a non-committed casual relationship that’s very likely to end in a short time. And you only have it because he “actually likes [you] a lot”. How is that not FWB?

Decide what you want from him, or from any relationship, and then don’t settle for less.

I’m a lot older than you are, but I’m not going to say “I’m better”. But I had experiences such as what you’re having now, and I would never do it again. I won’t say that I’ve intended to marry every woman that I’ve bedded since I’ve grown older, but I don’t bed them unless I’ve already decided that I love them. And I don’t turn that on and off based on my activities schedule, either.

If you love him, if you want to have a serious and committed relationship with him, then tell him. If you don’t love him and want to have only an FWB relationship with him, then I’m not going to tell you “that’s wrong”. But don’t pretend that it’s not already that. Don’t lie to yourself, first, and then don’t lie to him.

syz's avatar

It doesn’t have anything to do with age, it has to do with you guys not communicating with each other.

If you’re interested in a relationship, sit him down and talk about it.

nikipedia's avatar

Talk to the dude.

And yes, you are in this situation because he is 30 and knows he can get away with it.

Just tell him how you’re feeling about things, and ask him what his thoughts are.

jessiemay25's avatar

This is why I asked.. thanks for the great advice! I needed perspective from people with more experience in life. So I guess it may be a combination of his age but also mine… and yes definitely not communicating. I think I need to bring it up before i go just don’t exactly know how to say it…

chyna's avatar

I would wait until you get back. Things can change in 10 weeks and if he has moved on by that time, you will be thinking it is because you brought up your relationship status.
Don’t put too much stock into anyone saying they want to do things with you, take vacations, buy you things, etc, because I’ve had a lot of guys say those things and they just say it because they are thinking short term, not long term.

zenvelo's avatar

This is not just him, it is both of you. To me, he seems to be warily getting close to you knowing you will be gone for a time equal to how long you have known him. He is speaking to you of a future not knowing what will happen with you.

You seem to be seeking some kind of commitment yet your relationship with him is barely above being exclusive, let alone to a point of commitment.

I agree with others you need to see how things are when you are back. And don’t confront him now unless you want to push him away.

Supacase's avatar

Bring it up before you leave. Not emotionally, just matter of fact. Say you’re not sure where your relationship is headed or what he is looking for, but that you think this time apart while you’re oversees is a good time for you both to consider what you want.

zenvelo's avatar

I disagree with @Supacase. If you told me that as you were leaving I would figure the relationship is over. When you tell me that you need to go off to think about things by yourself, then I know you don’t have any strong feelings for me or the relationship. Don’t expect me to be left hanging while you are gone for ten weeks.

marinelife's avatar

It could be that he does not want to be tied down while you are overseas. I think that is pretty normal. Who knows what will happen in between or when you come back.

I think you should just go with the flow. See what happens in between. See how you both feel when you get back.

wallabies's avatar

It is not about age. The guy I’ve been with is also 30 and our relationship dynamics are much different. We started off casual like you, and I sat him down (when he was like 24) and told him it had to be a committed serious relationship or nothing. On the flip side, I know guys well into their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s that just cannot make this kind of commitment. They are fun, they are great in bed, but they are not going to be your exclusive bf.

I agree with others here that what you have is very much FWB. There is nothing wrong with that (it can be a beautiful arrangement; ahh, nostalgia!) until one of you wants more. There is never a right time to have these kinds of discussions. If you know you want more now, I think you should tell him now versus wait until you get back (and thus spending the whole 10 weeks pining over him). If you are both on the same page, 10 weeks is not that long in the greater scheme of things. I’ve done this kind of long distance thing (~13 weeks and counting), and it isn’t exactly easy, but it can work.

Good luck.

wundayatta's avatar

I believe you need to talk to him before you go. Tell him what you’re interested in. Ask him if he has been thinking along similar lines. You may win or you may lose, but either way, you will know when you go. You’ll be able to see which future is coming towards you. Also, if you want him, then letting him know what you want is the best way of getting it. If you say nothing, he’ll think you don’t care all that much.

jessiemay25's avatar

Update: Just got back from a weekend away with him at a resort and had an amazing time. He looked after me and was concerned about my happiness the entire time, made sure I enjoyed myself. There were so many times I felt like telling him how I feel about him, and our conversation at one point almost got to the ‘what do we both want’ stage but I freaked out and stalled the topic of conversation. I’m seeing him again once before I go and I want to tell him at least that I’m in love with him I just need help wording what I want to say so that it doesn’t come across too intense!

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