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minnie19's avatar

How can I not get attached to the opposite sex?

Asked by minnie19 (435points) May 30th, 2012 from iPhone

I get attached to guys very quick and I always end up getting hurt. I am tired of this… Is there a way I can get rid of this attachment?

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15 Answers

tedd's avatar

In my experience, becoming overly attached too quickly is a sign of not having found happiness in yourself. People strive to define themselves by the relationship that they’re in. You should find some kind of “happiness” or “definition for yourself” ... and until then just try to pretend guys are your brother.

josie's avatar

Because you are not getting attached. You are getting dependent. That exposes you to getting hurt, plus it invites it because most people don’t mind attachment, but they dislike dependence.

janbb's avatar

I think the emphasis should be on the “too quickly” rather than the attached. Most of us want to connect with people of the sex or gender we are attracted to. The thing to strive for is to see the relationship as it is evolving and not let fantasies and projections whirl you away.

marinelife's avatar

You need to like yourself Consider doing positive affirmations out loud in front of the mirror every day. “I am a likable person.” “I am attractive and loving and kind.” Out loud is key. Do them even if you do not believe them at first. Stop negative self-talk as soon as it starts. Replace it with a positive affirmation.

You might want to take a look at the book Self Parenting..

minnie19's avatar

Never in my life the guy I wanted or truly liked showed the same interest towards me. It hurts. Im a very independent person and I love being alone, but the fact that I dont get the attachment with someone I want to kills me.

janbb's avatar

How old are you? Sometimes you have to suck a lot of lemons – metaphorically speaking, of course.

wundayatta's avatar

Why do you like these guys? How well would you say you know them? How do you know them? How long have you known them?

LuckyGuy's avatar

Maybe this willhelp. Ask yourself “Would I be proud, or ashamed, to bring this guy home to meet my mother?” Then act accordingly.

This rule generally holds true whether you are sixteen or sixty.

PetLoverHi's avatar

If you really like one of these guys and do what LuckyGuy says, the next step is to be aloof with them. When I was younger and it seems that I had the same problem. The guys I liked a lot and would do anything for did not have the same feelings that I had. However, the guys I did not like and were aloof to and just plain tried to ignore, were the ones that stuck around and some became more then just friends and I actually dated them, however, they had quirks about them that only surfaced after dating them. My advice is: be mean to the ones you like and like the ones that keep hanging around. I also agree with janbb’s lemon theory

CWOTUS's avatar

Aside from “how old are you?”, because I don’t think it’s particularly relevant, a good question to ask yourself is “how quickly do I decide to go after this guy?” ... “or that guy?” ... “or the other guy?”

If you aren’t perceived as being rigorously selective and discriminating in your choices “I will accept nothing less than these 10,000 or so qualities in the guy that I finally select”, then you run the risk of being perceived as “easy” ... whether that is true or not.

If you make advances to one guy as being “good enough for now”, and the first guy rejects you, but you can immediately turn to “my next choice”, “then my next choice after that” and so on… then these guys are going to perceive that you’re simply running down a list and looking for someone to settle on… and who will “settle for” you.

You have to focus like a laser on “the guy for me”, and without being too overt and clumsy about it, you have to make him know that there is no other guy for you. It’s him or nobody.

Eventually, maybe that won’t work out. Then you need to bring out those strong selection criteria again and see if it’s even possible to find some guy who measures up. Don’t just settle for “the best of what’s available”. I think you’re doing that, and it’s hurting you.

minnie19's avatar

janbb, I am actually addicted to lemons. haha.

janbb's avatar

@CWOTUS I think the age question is somewhat relevant because if you’ve only had experience with two or three attachments, you may not know yourself well yet. If you are still doing it at (ahem) 60, you may have some more serious issues to look at.

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wallabies's avatar

There are a couple ways I know of… Be with multiple people rather than just one, and don’t get to know a person too well, i.e. maintain distance.

6rant6's avatar

It’s nice when you meet someone who really, really gets attached to you. I’m sorry it’s a characteristic that’s causing you pain, but one day it might incite a beautiful relationship.

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