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liza462's avatar

Is it time to say goodbye?

Asked by liza462 (84points) May 30th, 2012

I’m a 50 yr old woman dating a 61yr old man and we have been together for 4 yrs. We do not live together. We enjoy traveling and generally hanging out. He wants me to move in and get married which I told him I was not ready for. Yeah, I know what your thinking. You figure since we have been dating for 4 yrs and at our age I should have some idea where this relationsip is going. The problem is we differ at what I feel is a very important area. The physical aspect. I’m a very physical person. I love to touch, hug, kiss, and snuggle and yes I love sex. He on the other hand doesn’t. He finds it annoying when I try to touch him ie: stroke or caress his arm, nape, etc. he likes to snuggle, but only when he initates it, otherwise he pulls away. His kisses are of very short duration, but I take into account that he has asthma and he has trouble catching his breath at times. Sex isn’t possible due to his ED (erectile dysfunction). He has tried a couple of the meds with no success and he has given up in trying. I have tried talking to him about my needs, but it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. We have a few financial obligations together that will end by Sept. and I’m seriously considering ending it then. Is this relationship worth trying to save or should I just cut my losses?

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14 Answers

DrBill's avatar

This is a decision that only you can make. What is more important to you, him or sex?

If this is an ongoing problem, you have not been getting sex for a while, so are you happy enough with your life the way it is, or do you see yourself having to have sex with someone else. You just have to decide which you want more.

6rant6's avatar

That’s tough. Before the advent of “little blue pills” a lot of men were done by 61. Now of course, a lot of men continue into their eighties. If his health is an issue, is he doing what he can to get healthy enough? I imagine if he were capable, he could be talked into it.

But @DrBill is right. It’s not one aspect that makes a relationship. We almost always have to give up something to make a relationship work. Sex is a tough one of course. I don’t envy your position.

And just to go on record, I don’t think you should feel any pressure to lock it in with marriage.

wundayatta's avatar

That would be a deal-breaker for me. No sex means no real soul connection to me. I just can’t imagine a satisfying relationship that did not have sex. We could love each other, and we could have a lot, I guess, but without sex, we could not get to that ultimate place, and eventually, that would lead me into depression, and if I wasn’t careful, I might get suicidal.

I’m not going to make that mistake again. Either that problem gets fixed in my relationship, or the relationship is over.

FOr you, of course, it will be different. Sex may not be that important to you. But if it is, then I don’t see how you can be feeling loved the way you want to be loved. If you were to get married, you would always be in trouble. Always missing this vital thing. Always just a little bit open for an opportunity, and if one fell in your lap, who knows what would happen?

gailcalled's avatar

This struck me as the core of your question:

” He finds it annoying when I try to touch him… he likes to snuggle, but only when he initates it,. Sex isn’t possible due to his ED… He has tried a couple of the meds with no success and he has given up in trying. I have tried talking to him about my needs, but it hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

After four years, perhaps it is time to say “good-bye.” You at 50 are still a very young woman and seem to be open to all kinds of creative ways of being intimate and making love. He is clearly not.

As you know, of course, you can have terrific sex without the erection if both parties are imaginative and cooperative.

What other ways of saving the relationship are available that you have not already, over the past four years, tried?

Trillian's avatar

Affection is very important, and I can imagine that it feels diminishing to you if he pulls away when you initiate it. That would be enough for me to be finished.

liza462's avatar

@DrBill Thank you for your answer and what I want more is a more fullfilling relationship. I agree that sex isn’t the whole relationship. In the beginning I thought I could live with it,but as the years go by, I realize that I really miss it, but its just not the lack of intimacy, its the emotional connection I miss.
@6rant6 He sees a dr. pretty regular and he follows everything he says, but if he doesn’t see results right away he gives up. Some of the treatments require time and patience, which he doesn’t have
@gailcalled You hit it on the nail Gail….I have talked to him numeous times, but he tends to make jokes out of it. He makes jokes out of everything. Whenever I tell him what I like he does the total opposite and says he was just joking around when I get upset.

Trillian's avatar

“He makes jokes out of everything. Whenever I tell him what I like he does the total opposite and says he was just joking around when I get upset.”
So there you have it. Even trying to discuss it results in this behaviour, which says your feelings mean nothing to him. So you’re left with just one question; Is this what you want to live with for the rest of your life?

liza462's avatar

@Trillian Nope, I don’t want to continue, but I’m somewhat a woose when it comes to ending relationships. I always second guess myself and I feel terrible about hurting him, because he says he loves me. But as I said before I have a couple of financial obligations with him that will end in Sept. I will end it then and start a new chapter in my life. I guess I just needed to hear that my conclusion where valid. Thank you all very much.

Trillian's avatar

Good for you! I’m glad to hear it.

liza462's avatar

Thanks again for all your support and responses. Calling it a night. Goodnight all

Sunny2's avatar

It would be a deal breaker for me. Start looking now and break up when your financial affairs are in order. At 50, you have a good 20 or 30 years ahead of you. Do you want to spend it with no affection? When the time comes, tall him gently, but firmly, that you want more than he is willing to give. Love is not always enough.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I am sort of surprised by all of the people advising to wait to break up until the financial agreements are completed. We have no clue what these financial agreements are, other than @liza462. Why drag out what seems to be the inevitable? Couples can amicably arrange to carry out financial arrangements, even during and after a separation.

gailcalled's avatar

Having a partner who joked around when I tried to have a serious and important conversation about our relationship would perhaps be more distressing than the lack of love-making.

How can that not put you on edge, knowing what his responses will be?

Him saying that he loves you is a convenient and lazy excuse. If he really loved you, he would be a partner in your conflicts, issues, and possible solutions.

My ex used to make “Important” policy decisions about our relationship and then say something completely different six months later. When I challenged him, he used to say that his earlier remarks were simply him “thinking out loud.” Talk about tilting at windmills.

That devious ploy allowed him also never to have to say “good point,” or “I’m sorry,” or “you may be right.” That left me in the wrong.

Better to be a wuss when you are in your early fifties than when you are on the way to 60.

Treat the financial agreements as a business arrangement; you do not have to share a bed with your business partner.

Having your own domicile simplifies things enormously, too. No splitting up furniture and omelet pans.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It’s time to say goodbye to the idea of him ever being a sexual affirming partner for you. There’s more than the ED, there’s what’s behind the ED and why he doesn’t enjoy other physical affection.

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