Social Question

tups's avatar

Is this person really a friend of mine(details)?

Asked by tups (6727points) June 11th, 2012

I have this friend. We’ve been friends for a year, going in the same class. She’s one of the people in my life that I can have the must fun with. We’ve seen each other every day in school and we’ve been spending a lot of time outside of school together. I’ve also told her some personal things. Now, we have vacation and I’ve tried to contact her for more than a week. We decided to go out one day, but when that day came she didn’t pick up her phone, so it didn’t happen. I’ve been sending her text messages about some pratical stuff and she didn’t reply for 5 days. Today she finally replied, but it was very short and cold. I asked her if she wanted to hang out tomorrow, no answer.

I know, this may sound really lame. I just don’t understand it. If a friend acted this way towards you, what would you think?

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16 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

Those are not the actions of a friend. I know it is painful, but for whatever reasons, she is not interested. Back off, as hard as that may be.

If you are still a teen-ager, most do not know how to handle conflicts without being cruel and prevaricating.

Can you find others to hang out with and have fun with?

laurenkem's avatar

@tups This has got to be painful for you, and I am sorry for that. It never feels good to be on the receiving end of what you perceive to be rejection.

That being said, is it possible that she perhaps thinks of you as more of a “school buddy”? In other words, maybe during the school year the two of you have lots of school-related things in common. But during the summer vacation, maybe she has a whole other set of friends she hangs out with, and feels like your relationship is on a break as well as the school year.

I agree with @gailcalled in that you should just back off and if she’s interested in talking with you, she’ll contact you. Better yet, wait until school resumes and see if she just acts like she’s picking up right where she left off with you.

majorrich's avatar

Sounds like the hidden DB in her has emerged. She is an acquaintance, but not a friend. As you go through life, you will find people at school, at work etc. that will be very friendly while you are together and when it is convenient. When it really matters, they done really act like friend. Just something you’ll run into. It can be disappointing.

Trillian's avatar

Just walk away. You’re a convenience, not a freind.

SpatzieLover's avatar


Choose wiser. Waste no more time on this one.

tups's avatar

I think I might have explained this wrong. She has contacted me many times, asking me to go out with her, asking if I want to hang out. If we are not now, we have indeed been friends. We’ve been really good friends, actually and it is more than just a school buddy. A few months ago we were a little annoyed with each other for a period, but it passed. I don’t know if that’s the case again. She is not the person who is well organized, so that could also be the deal. She has also been busy. I don’t mean to be naive, that’s now what this is. I just think you guys have misunderstood this.
I’m just annoyed because of her behavior.

SpatzieLover's avatar

No, I figured at one time she did reciprocate.

Do you really want to continue with someone that doesn’t share frequently and keeps you wondering for days on end?

Kardamom's avatar

@tups There is the possibility that this girl has aquired a boyfriend. I have had several “friends” over the years who dropped me like a hot potato once a boy or man entered the picture. Some women are very fickle like that. She might not even tell you that this has happened, because in high school, sometimes girls like to keep boyfriends secret, especially if the boy has asked her to (those kinds of boys suck).

Another possibility is that she truly is just a good school friend much like I have some terrific work friends, that I don’t socialize with outside of work. Those people can be fantastic when you are at school (or in older folks’ cases, at work) because they offer a nice respite from the rest of the crap that goes on day after day after day, but it doesn’t mean that the relationship is taken outside of the realm in which it was formed.

I used to have a group of friends at my school, but I had a different group of friends that lived in my neighborhood. Kids that were a year older or younger, or that went to a different school. But those are the kids I grew up with and that’s who I spent time with after shcool and during the summer.

I had another friend (now a former friend) who was a social butterfly and even though she liked me just fine and we had lots of great times together for many years, if and when someone else who was a little more interesting or a little more well connected came along, she’d just break dates with me. After this happened multiple times, I had to walk away. We’d had what I thought was a great friendship, but she needed to have tons of people around her, especially ones that were a little bit richer and/or better looking. She was on the way up as they say. I got left in the dust.

And the last thing I can think of is when you mentioned that a few months ago you two were a little annoyed with each other. What was that about? Even though you might have thought that that situation was over and done with, she might still have some lingering resentment.

Could be a combination of all of the above things.

Paradox25's avatar

Stop persuing her (why don’t more guys get this)! Reverse your strategy here and just play it cool. Either way you have nothing to lose because if she doesn’t want to bother with you than it’s a win win for both of you. The other alternative is that she’s playing you for one reason or the other, so it’s a win win there too. Leave her do something.

Kardamom's avatar

@tups When I first read your question, I assumed that you were a straight female with a female BFF, but it just dawned on me, after reading some of your other questions that you might be a lesbian female, or a guy. Forgive me for not knowing, since you didn’t say.

I suspect that you left something out here. Do you have a crush on this girl? If so, that’s probably the problem right there. She most likely sees you as only a friend, and it was real easy to be good friends at school, because there wasn’t any chance of you acting all lovey dovey around her there. Either she didn’t know you have a crush earlier, but she probably does now and she just doesn’t feel the same way as you.

If you are a gay or bisexual female and your friend either didn’t know this (or didn’t care because she thought you were just friends) and now she thinks/knows you have a crush on her, she might be freaked out. Same goes if you are a guy. If she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you, then she is probably backing away from you now, because having that kind of conversation can be painful and awkward for both parties. When you’re young and don’t know what to do, simply disappearing or not answering is often the easier way out.

If I’m completely wrong about this, please let me know. I don’t mean to offend. I just know that I have a lot of gay friends and I’ve heard about all the horrible stuff that happens in high school. I also know what it’s like to be interested in someone when they don’t share your same feelings. It sucks.

marinelife's avatar

Something must have happened. Try to call her (don’t text this) and when you get her on the line, say something like, ”‘I’ve noticed a change in your tone. Have I done something to offend you? If so, it was inadvertent. I’d like to hear what I did so I could apologize.”

mowens's avatar

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

tups's avatar

@Kardamom Your first assumption was correct. I am a straight female and our friendship is nothing more than a friendship.

tups's avatar

I appreciate your answers guys. I don’t know what the deal is, maybe it’s just me being sensitive or drawing conclusions too fast. I’ll probably be wiser by the end of the week and I’ll let you know what the deal is.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@tups I’d be interested in the update. Maybe said friend is busy. I tend to agree with @mowens, though.

Kardamom's avatar

@tups In that case, I think you might want to go with @marinelife‘s suggestion.

Sometimes friendships suck! Especially when you don’t know why the other person has suddenly changed.

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