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LeavesNoTrace's avatar

Is it worth confronting my bitchy roommate if I'm moving in a few weeks?

Asked by LeavesNoTrace (5674points) June 11th, 2012

I’ve lived with this girl for 5 months and will be moving out at the end of the month. For reasons I’m not entirely sure of, she’s always been kind of weird to me and most of our interactions have had a tinge of awkward to them.

For a while we were getting along and she was friendlier to me and then this other girl moved in and things got weirder between us. The other girl has some bad habits (not cleaning up after her cat, lights on, left a stove on once.) My roommate started mass texting us bitching about stuff this other roommate did when I wasn’t even responsible for it. I’ve also had some issues with her invading my privacy by going in my room without permission to give me my mail but I’ve never mentioned it. I try to be nice to her (I think I succeed) but honestly, I just don’t like her… For example, I’ll say hello and she’ll just screw up her face and give a really strained “oh hi” and look away.

We both work a lot and don’t see each other much so luckily contact is limited but tonight she really got to me again. I was standing in the kitchen washing my produce for the week and some dishes and she comes creeping out of her room with her typical rodent-like demeanor and says verbatim “Umm, are you done with the water? It’s been running LIKE forever!” (Emphasis hers)

This is becoming the typical way for her to speak to me and I’m really considering just asking her not to speak to me for the next couple of weeks if she’s just going to rude and passive aggressive. But I feel it’s not worth it? Probably not…

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20 Answers

chyna's avatar

I’m non-confrontational so I would just let it go. You are leaving soon, so why bother? It really won’t accomplish anything.

gailcalled's avatar

If you have the energy and want to bother, answer her odder remarks with a question.

“It’s been running LIKE forever.”

You: What are you talking about?
You; What is your point?
You: What do you really mean?

King_Pariah's avatar

I wouldn’t confront her, but I’d do something to get back at her on the last day… (I’m not joking mind you) like leaving an unflushed stool in her toilet remember to eat LOTS of curry the night before just as a way to get the word across that you didn’t like her all too much.

zenvelo's avatar

Let it go, you never have to see her again in 19 days. Confront her now and you have to deal with hostility and possible revenge for two and a half weeks.

Next time work it out with the roomie earlier on. She just may be different from you and didn’t realize the effect she was having. Walking in to your room to give you your mail is considered a nice gesture by some people.

jrpowell's avatar

What is gained from confronting her?

gailcalled's avatar

I would be vehemently against any excrement-related pay-back. What does that make you?

CWOTUS's avatar

I’d be inclined to go along with @chyna and @gailcalled (at least to an extent) to either avoid the (essentially pointless) confrontation, or to expose the issues (whatever they really are) and get them on the table.

It sounds like there has been some third-party stuff going around, and if you were planning to maintain some kind of relationship I’d certainly want to get the “what have you heard about me?” and “what have you said about me?” shit all out in the open, aired and dealt with (and if they’re talking about you to others, then it might still be worthwhile, because of possible damage to your reputation outside the current walls). But if that’s not an issue, if you won’t see them any more, then take it as a learning experience in trying to always maintain free, open and full communication – and just let it go. She already has her problems; you don’t really need to add to them, do you?

I was just talking this evening to a new employee in our group who mentioned that he was struck during his first interview with how open and free we all are with each other. And it’s not that we’re such great pals, really. We almost never socialize outside of work, and we’re all kinds of different ages. But the boss is very open in praise (and criticism, when needed), very specific in what will and will not fly, and we maintain honest (if not always perfectly complimentary) communication with each other – and have for several years of working together. It’s a great way to work, and a great way to live.

JLeslie's avatar

Probably better not to bother. However, I don’t see how she is passive aggressive, she is voicing what bugs her, you are the one all bottled up. I assume she knows you aren’t very fond of her, so you are the one possibly being passive aggressive, or both of you.

The water example, I guess it bugs her when she thinks people are wasting water? Or, maybe she is sensitive to the noise? Obviously you guys are not meant to live together. If you feel compelled to say something, why not ask her to clarify? Ask, “why, is the noise bothering you?” If she doesn’t say hello let her know you feel offended she doesn’t return your salutation. Sounds like some of it is just different styles and maybe lack of communication between the two of you.

But, I think probably don’t bother, unless you think you might explode one day? Better to try to clear the air and make it better calmly than to flip out and increase the tension.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@King_Pariah I couldn’t follow your advice even if I wanted to. I don’t poop.

@JLeslie You’re right. She wasn’t necessarily being passive agressive in this encounter but she has been in the past. She’s the queen of backhanding compliments etc.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

Secure your private stuff as much as possible, have as little contact as possible, and wait out your time without conflict. You may have to settle some bills before you go and you don’t want her to be able to use the bad blood between you to tell you to fuck off. Just keep a low profile and get out ASAP. You will not feel better if you tell her what you think of her—that will just escalate into a bad scene with no benefits for you.

King_Pariah's avatar

@gailcalled well I admit I’m immature, but what I would do in this situation… you don’t want to know (not the poop thing, way overdone that one is).

JLeslie's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace I believe you. :)

Sunny2's avatar

Your roommate sound like an unfortunate soul. You’re bigger than that and can afford to just let it go. Be pleasant and you’ll have nothing to regret. Making things more difficult for a person like that is petty and mean. Is that you?

AshlynM's avatar

You could be making an already tense situation even worse.

bookish1's avatar

From your side of the story, she sounds pretty unpleasant. But I agree with above posters that either confronting her or “getting back” at her in some way will just open you up to bad little surprises when it is time to move out. She might hide/steal some of your stuff, not pay her portion of the rent or bills, etc. Just move on quietly and hope you get a better roommate next time.

woodcutter's avatar

Has 3 females living under one roof ever worked out for any length of time before? Especially if they are young? I would just make a clean get away and make sure you start rounding up all your stuff now so there won’t be any “that’s mine not yours” drama. Girls can be tricky like that.

jca's avatar

If it were me, I would want to know why she’s acting that way. That’s just me. I don’t like confrontation either, but I also don’t like to be disrespected by someone when it’s not clear to me why they’re acting that way. I would probably just ask her “I don’t understand why you have an attitude? Did I do something to offend you?”

inkswinc's avatar

I’ve generally been a pretty non-confrontational person myself, and this is partly why situations like this get on my nerves. I’ve had a few people be angry with me for reasons I’ve never known and I’m more angry (or confused is more like it) that I don’t know why than that they’re angry with me in the first place. No one can improve if they don’t know what they’re doing wrong, so if you genuinely care about the person (which doesn’t seem to be the case, but figured I’d throw it out there), I’d expose the sources of the conflict if you think you can do it in a way that won’t make them angry (this is tricky, and really depends both on the personality of the person you’re confronting as much as it depends on the words you use), as in the best-case scenario that can lead to exposing bad habits on both sides that one wasn’t aware of and has a genuine interest in improving. I recently had a roommate stop living with me (though we were on somewhat good terms) and I never got the chance to ask him how I could have been a better roommate and regret that.

If you don’t care about her, though, f*** it. There’s no point in risking it for just two weeks.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace It’s been three days. What are your thoughts on this situation now?

NosyBut's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace It’s been two weeks. Have you moved out yet? Is everything okay?

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