Would you call your father on Father's day if she was transgendered?

Why not just call and talk? You don’t need a pretext. Still your biological father (from what I’m reading here), and it’s the thought that counts.

I would call and ask what she prefers.

I think it depends upon what your father wants and what you are willing to say. What is her current role in your life?

I don’t think changing gender turns her from a father into a mother.

I also don’t think appearing in your life six years ago turns her into a parent.

Strained relationship because of things she has done, but I am allowing her to see her 1st grandchild about once a month. Hoping to build trust along the way. I guess the real issue is that I don’t see her as a father at all, transgendered or not….she did suggest that I introduce her to her grandson as he gets older as his grandmother….but I won’t do that because my mom is his grandmother (although she has been deseased since the day after my birth)

This is uncharted territory for me and my siblings.

If I saw her as a good-enough parent, I’d ask if she wanted a call on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or if she wanted to make up a new holiday that fit our situation. If I didn’t see her as a good-enough parent, I wouldn’t call her on any parental holidays.

I agree 100 percent with @wundayatta on this one. @KhiaKarma, are you saying your mom died the day after you were born and your birth father has only been in your life for the past six years?

If you have never called her on Father’s Day before, why start now? Just look to be building the relationship with her that you want to have.

@KhiaKarma I would play it by ear and just go slow. I wouldn’t pick a day to call for any reason. But if they want to be part of your life, and you want them to be part of your life, I’d offer to meet them part way and just talk at first. Like you said, build the trust. And let them prove they deserve that trust.

Seems a lot of bridges need building, a father must earn the right to be trusted/loved.
The gender issue is entirely irrelevant as I see it, she has to make up for lost time, you never get those childhood days back.

Well..if you never called before, it’s weird anyway.

Well, he brought you into this world didn’t he? He didn’t give birth to you, but gave you life. A mother gave birth to you, and then there’s the other half of the equation…your father. So what if she’s a woman now? She is still your father. I would call her on father’s day.

Ok, I agree with everything said above. I guess I get clouded in my thinking about it because I am so wanting to build a life for my child in which he is not exposed to the anger and separation from family like I was. Yes, my mother died day after I was born. I was raised by my maternal grandparents and my grandfather blamed my father for my mother’s death (unreasonably- she caught meningitis while pregnant with me, unknowingly) My father was not in my life, only sending me presents on holidays. He also was not there for me during times of need in which I was being abused by other caregivers, not my grandparents. I know now that he had a lot going on personally with his own identity issues. I was giving my dad the benefit of the doubt as I have gotten to know her the last 6 years, however even as recently as last November she made a spectacle on the day of my son’s birth. That did it for my husband. He’s out. He wants nothing to do with her anymore, and my dad can only think that it’s because of the transgendered issue. It has everything to do with her behavior, not gender… However, my husband is supportive of me in trying to build trust gradually so that I can attempt to give my son his grandparent in a way that I feel is healthy for my son. It’s hard work when my dad keeps ignoring conversations and blurring boundaries.

I am upset because my brother told me that our dad told him that she was upset that I had not called her on father’s day.

@KhiaKarma I don’t feel you owe them anything. If I bring someone into the world I have a duty to that person. They didn’t hold up their end, don’t feel like you need to cut them any slack. I am impressed that you’re making the effort to let them back in to your son’s life, but they have to earn that right. Yeah they had issues, but that gives them no right to screw up your life. Do what’s best for you, hubby, and son, and let them prove they deserve to be part of your lives.

I think you just start celebrating her on mothers day. It is sort of like having lesbian parents. To be sure, I would ask her.
Remember, a child can have many grand parents. She wouldn’t replace your mom.

I would confront it head-on, but lightly and with humor:

“So, do I starting sending you Father’s Day cards now, or what?”

“When I have kids, do I introduce you as their former grandfather, or who?”

Those are admittedly lame examples. This is so far from my own reality that I’ve never given it a second’s thought until now.

Actually, I think it would be cool to have a grandfather who was a woman. But that’s just my weird sense of coolness.

I don’t think there are any rules here. What I would think about is what you want for yourself and your child. If your father is behaving unacceptably, I hope you can find a way to discuss that with her. Tell her that if she behaves in some way you consider to be appropriate, then she won’t piss off your husband or you, and might be allowed more access to her grandchild. If she can’t do that, then you can’t allow access to your child. These are the boundaries she must abide by for access. You child and your husband come first and if your father can’t respect that, then no access.

Or you could do it the way I did it. My parents behaved in a way we thought was inappropriate for our kids, so the kids stopped visiting them with no explanation. If they would have asked, we would have said, but they never asked. This is how things are dealt with in my family, and, well, it’s not likely to change. Too bad.

My great uncle had several children, and then changed gender and moved off to NYC to live as a woman. I never met him. Her. Whatever. He/she may have been bipolar, too. Which may or may not be related to the gender and sexuality issues.

It’s funny, now, thinking about meeting these people. The affinity we had despite never meeting each other before. Now, knowing the craziness we have in our family. There actually is a genetic basis for our oddities. There’s a reason why we are more the same to each other, even though we are so uncomfortable, elsewhere. Many of us travel much more than most. Many of us are artistic in one way or another. Oddly creative.

Certain people don’t fit well with conventional notions of normality. Honestly, I don’t think we’re all that different, but a small difference can be killing, sometimes. I think it would be worth coming to know your father, and having her know your child, if possible. I would face the weirdness issues head-on. If she can’t take it, then too bad. But if she can, then maybe you can negotiate a more acceptable way of being in each other’s lives. It can hardly get much worse, can it? But if you could make it better, on your terms, that seems like it could be a huge benefit.

Wow, tricky situation indeed. But from the context you’ve given us… I am inclined to say, no, don’t call her on Father’s Day. Especially if you have never done so before, and she was not much of a father to you when she was given the chance.

FWIW I have an ex who is trans and I think it would probably ruin her day and possibly beyond if her son called her on Father’s Day.

@KhiaKarma : I would start calling regularly to build a relationship, and then calling on Father’s Day would not be out of place. It’s as simple as that.

Love it love regardless of gender.

I was building a relationship with her, until my son was born and she made what was supposed to be a special, most happy day for my family, an emotional nightmare for me. I tried to protect the new, delicate relationship by not fully disclosing what she had done to my husband- thus creating tension between me and my hub….that’s when I pulled back from the relationship and told her flat out that I needed distance because I needed to stand by my husband. I also needed consistency for my child if she was going to have a relationship with her grandson. I told her the only thing I had seen consistently was that anytime any of her kids had something positive going on, she would sabotage it and make it all about her. I am not naturally a confrontational person and knew those words would hurt her, but Momma Bear came out and I had to clearly draw the line.

She did seem to take responsibility for the event and showed remorse, so I was allowing her to have contact with us….and I had even allowed her over to the house (while Hubby at work- although I no longer keep ANYTHING from him anymore regarding the relationship with my dad) I know that this upcoming surgery is a HUGE deal for her, so I have even tried to be a bit more supportive (saw her 2 times this month rather than 1)

So to hear that she expected a call kind of throws me. Then to think about the dynamics surrounding Father’s Day and the gender issue complicated it even more. It was my husband’s 1st Father’s Day….I wanted to focus my attention on him. To even call my dad may have brought up negative feelings in my house on his special day.

Oh well, probably over thinking the whole thing, I have said my piece about the distance that I need. If she only remembers what she wants to or distorts the reality of our relationship to fit her needs, that’s on her. I have to do what I have to do for my family. I appreciate everyone’s input. It has helped me to hash out the situation a bit in my mind.

@bookish1 That’s exactly what I thought would happen, same as your ex.

Well, she fathered you. I would call her and ask her what she prefers.

[mod says] This is our Question of the Day!

If I was close to her all my life, then yeah. Changing sexes wouldn’t be an issue, in my mind. The relationship we have would. :/

You don’t need father’s day as an excuse to call her. Actually, any day BUT father’s day might be more appropriate as a day to call for the first time. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day can be touchy subjects for transsexual parents sometimes.

If it were my dad who was changing sex I’d call her on Mother’s Day.

And me, I’m going in the other direction (female to male) and this year my daughter got me a Father’s Day card for the first time (and wrote “to Mum” in it, which was amusing).

@downtide: Well put, and that’s good to hear about your daughter :)

Yes. I would call her even if she decided to become a donkey.

She didn’t dump me at the orphanage when I wasn’t the sex she wanted so why should I leave her out of my life because she isnt the sex that I want?

@SaltieRose: Whatthefuck?