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LostInParadise's avatar

What if there really was such a thing as Christian science?

Asked by LostInParadise (29288points) June 27th, 2012

Here is my interpretation, involving the new field of quantum theology. I mean no disrespect. I think my description works at a metaphorical level.

There is an as yet undetected goodness subatomic particle and its associated goodness anti-particle, also known as an evil particle. Jesus is the ultimate source of all goodness particles and Satan is the ultimate source of all evil particles. Moral and immoral acts involve the exchange of these two particles. They are stored in the soul.

Although goodness and evil particles annihilate one another, there is a tendency for evil particles to accumulate in remote areas of the soul. Through prayer and contrition, a person can help guide Jesus in directing a laser beam of goodness particles at the evil particles. Final cleansing, however, can only occur on death by turning over one’s entire soul to Jesus in the process commonly referred to as salvation.

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19 Answers

whitenoise's avatar

Wow… Just continue for another 200 pages and start your own religion.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Your belief structure and theory are no less and no more valid than anyone else’s.

I personally think that atomic particles do not have moral characteristics, any more than grain of sand is “good” or “bad”. But if labeling atomic particles in a theological framework twists your trigger, then who am I to criticize you?

Keep in mind that lasers (which you would use to smite the bad particles) can do enormous damage if aimed at the wrong target. Remember that religion can be helpful, but can also be destructive.

gailcalled's avatar

To Christian Scientists, there is.

marinelife's avatar

To label your “theory” science shows a misunderstanding of what science is.

JLeslie's avatar

I have trouble with the whole concept of good and evil to begin with, so your hypothesis certainly would not work for me. But, I am sure there are some people who would buy into it.

ragingloli's avatar

It is religion misappropriating scientific terminology to create the pretense of validity with the purpose of spreading its religious dogma and infecting more victims to become followers.

LostInParadise's avatar

Is anybody seeing this in the humorous way that it was intended? I am trying to poke some gentle fun at both religion and science and New Age interpretations. @marinelife , I can just as easily imagine goodness subatomic particles as I can imagine gravity particles, which is to say, not at all.

gailcalled's avatar

^^< I was about to agree with you when I realized you were not talking about gravy particles, (known as lumps in my house).

LuckyGuy's avatar

Will followers have to pay a supreme entity to get the laser directed at the particular points of interest?
If the laser focusing/control position is open, I’ll do it for the same fee the radiology department charges for Proton Beam treatment for prostate cancer. $80,000 -$100,000.
Coincidentally, quite bit of praying goes on in that room too.

tinyfaery's avatar

How do you spell a sarcastic snort?

Sunny2's avatar

@LostInParadise Perhaps we all have our serious hats on this morning. Sillier propositions have been made in all sincerity. But don’t stop thinking this way. We’ll catch on in time and enjoy playing with your ideas too.

Fyrius's avatar

Please. =_=
Aren’t you just rephrasing the same tired old ideas in (pseudo)scientific wording?
I advise against name-dropping real scientific terminology to describe ideas that you’re not even imagining in as much detail as the scientists understand what they use those words for. You’ll only bring more confusion into the world.

Oh, wait, it’s a joke. Ha ha.

Fyrius's avatar

Sorry, @LostInParadise, but it looks like your joke thread is falling prey to Poe’s Law.
In my opinion, it comes too close to what some rather disturbing people are actually willing to proselytise, to really be funny.

PhiNotPi's avatar

Science is not a list of facts, it is the use of the scientific method. The OP’s ideas cannot be called science until there is experimental data that supports the existence of the “Jesus laser beam”.

flutherother's avatar

As a member of the Church of Hadron I don’t think this is funny. We have constructed the largest church building in the history of the world around our altar which is a particle accelerator. Our worshippers pray they may find the God particle and so prove that we are the one true religion. And we are planning to destroy evil and Satan with a proton beam collider.

wundayatta's avatar

What if??? What are you talking about? Christian science is alive and kicking and a hell of a lot more famous than your sorry ass! And your little homily there about Jesus particles and Devil particles is so laughable I don’t know why people take it seriously. Where did we go wrong?

Well, I suppose it didn’t help that we are a secret society that no one has ever heard of. People seem to believe that Christianity is hocus pocus, but I assure you that our science is better than anyone else’s science. Perhaps that’s because we kidnap the most promising scientific kids (replacing them with computerized simulacrae—yes, they are that good), and set them to work down here in our underground labs. The Heuristic Encyclopedic Logarithmic Leviathan is a dedicated supercomputer that is fast zeroing in on the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Also the unified field theory. But that’s just a side project.

Of course, the kernel of the Heuristic Encyclopedic Logarithmic Leviathan is a tiny piece of semantic wizardry that we call the Helical Advice Visage of the Entire Noosphere. That pretty little piece of sapphic sophistry makes it clear why Christian science is about to blow the top of all your puny little skulls.

And why did we have a noted atheist (well, he told us he was noted) announce our little coup d’essence? The jokes on you, kidlings! You won’t believe it’s real, and then, when you find out, it’ll be too late!



Never forget that heaven lies at the heart of hell!

mattbrowne's avatar

It would undermine world peace.

The good thing about science is its universality. All scientists are united sharing a common goal. We can search for the theories that best explain and predict natural phenomena.

I total reject the notion of Christian science or Islamic science, the latter being a huge delusional pseudoscience movement btw with the Quran allegedly making “accurate predictions” of science. The same applies to atheism. There is no such thing as an atheist evolution theory. There is only one theory of evolution and it can best explain the history of life, current life and predict future life.

Now if this meant as a joke, I’d say it’s the Higgs fields that gives Catholics their mass.

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