My friend is being used by a girl he loves. How do I talk to him?

I would MYOB if I were you.

It’s not your problem. As his friend you have to just let him live his own life. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.

I don’t know. I’ve appreciated times when people came to me and made me think about things I hadn’t considered. I just hate sitting back, watching and acting like I’m OK with it.

If you really want to talk to him about it, keeping in mind that it may piss him off, you need to let him know why you’re talking about it. Something like, “Hey man listen, I really need to talk to you about something that’s bothering me. I’m only saying something because you’re my friend and I care a lot about you, so please don’t be offended. Here’s the deal. I think that…” And then say what you want to say. But when you’re finished, he still may be pissed off that you stuck your nose in his business.

If you must talk to him about it, and I really hope you resist your urge to give advice, then the way to do it is to ask him for information. Why is he seeing this girl? What does he think of the other guy? What are his expectations for the future? Does he wish she would treat him differently from the way she is treating him? If so, how?

You don’t know. He may see everything you see and still want to be with her. Then, if you come in offering him unwanted advice, you make a fool of yourself and also could break up a friendship. He may have decided he wants what he can have, and he may respect himself just fine.

A real friend helps other friends solve their problems, but only their problems. You should not tell him what his problem is. That is disrespectful. If he tells you what his problem is, you can help him, but only on his terms. Do not run your own agenda over him. That’s not being friendly. That’s trying to make your view of the world come out on top.

Perhaps the man being used knows it and likes it. It’s really none of your business.

You run the risk of him not being your friend anymore. Happened to me. My best friend bailed on me when I told him I walked in on his GF banging another dude at a party.

Somehow I ended up as the bad guy for telling.

This is a situation crying out for non-intervention on your part or you could find yourself on the outs in both relationships.

Your friend either can’t or won’t see the truth. There is nothing that you can say to him that will make him see it. Perhaps you could gently remind him that she is in love with someone else and he is coming back soon, but that is about it. He may not want to hear it.

Thanks everyone for the really great advice. @johnpowell that’s so upsetting! I still think you did the right thing. He never thanked you later?

You said he knows the other guy is coming back, so basically he has his eyes wide open. They are both using each other probably.

You can help pick up the pieces after she burns him. But until then there is not much you can do.

Your friend knows already, according to you. Stay out of it. Consider getting different friends. The actions of both bother you, as they would me. I remove myself from situations which irritate me, knowing that I can do nothing about them. I certainly don’t like to hear about that kind of shit. What do you say when one or the other tell you about an aspect of it? They both willingly participate in an unsatisfying, dysfunctional “relationship”.
After this impending split, they’ll almost guaranteed find something else fucked-up to do,
and you’ll still have to hear about shit that is ridiculous.
They sound like more trouble than they’re worth. Also, by informing you, you’ve become part of a deception. And bullshit DRAMA!
Is that really what you want in your life?

Stay out of it.

There is a song that sums up your situation, listen to the lyrics.

All you can do is let him learn the hard way and be there to support him when he finally realises she isn’t what he wants her to be.

He knows she loves someone else but he takes what he can get from her,...

That’s sums it up. It’s not that you have news for him.

His situation is very common. But like most other things we want to experience it by ourselves and draw our own experiences from that, instead of being talked out of it. Just let him do what he feels like, even if he’s kneeling at her feet, and then he will probably find his own way in this and maybe later on realize something, but I think he needs to experience it by himself.

@Kokoro Your own words: ”He knows she loves someone else….” There is nothing for him to be informed about.

Why on earth would he listen to you over someone he loves and chooses to be with me even if he knows she loves another?

….Had he not known, I would take @wundayatta‘s first paragraph as the way to go.

Because he already knows what the girl is doing to him, he may be holding out hope that she will ultimately fall in love with him and not go back to the other guy (which may or may not happen). He probably also really like the nookie he’s getting from her whether she loves him or not (guys tend to be able to separate love from getting laid, more than girls can).

Like some of the others have said, you could sit him down and say, “Burt, I know you have feelings for Brittany, but she already told you that she’s in love with Braxton and he’s coming back and you know she’s going to get back together with him. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Then let him talk.

Burt probably has fantasies that Brittany is going to fall in love with him. Or he doesn’t really care if she loves him as long as he gets some good nookie from her until this other dude shows up.

Brittany probably likes Burt just fine, and she’s probably the kind of girl that cannot be alone or without a guy for one second. She’s probably aussuaging her guilt by telling Burt up front that she loves Braxton. Even though she knows full well that she will dump Burt the minute Braxton shows up. But she’ll feel sorry for Burt and hope that they can still be friends (isn’t that f*cked sweet?)

Braxton probably doesn’t know that Brittany is keeping company with Burt and he probably won’t ever find out, Brittany won’t tell him and she know that Burt won’t tell him (because then he’d lose his nookie privleges) and Brittany will drop Burt like a hot rock the millisecond Braxton comes back into town. If Braxton did know about it, he’d probably dump Brittany and immediately hook up with Courtney, Brittany’s other BFF (isn’t that f*cked sweet?) Courtney will try to explain to Brittany that she shouldn’t have cheated on him. Brittany will scream that BFF’s should not date each others exes!

The other thing you could do is talk to Brittany, herself, and ask her why she’s hooked up with Burt even though she’s going to go back to Braxton and see what she has to say. She’ll give you some song and dance about how she likes Burt, but she _she doesn’t “like-like” him. (isn’t that f*cked sweet?) Also, if and when she does dump Burt, which is pretty much inevitable, if Burt finds out that you discussed his situation with her, HE WILL BLAME YOU FOR THE BREAKUP and you will likely lose him as a friend.

So your best bet is to be there for Burt when Brittany dumps him, but be prepared for weird situations, since you will still be friends with Brittany, right? (this part is really sweet f*cked!)

As the expression goes: no good deed goes unpunished. I suggest you leave it alone, or you’re going to end up with two people pissed at you. Let them figure it out, they will, and life will go on.

I can’t see how this ends well for you if you do decide to talk to him. You most likely will alienate both of them.

What happened to John Powell is not that uncommon and it could happen to you also if you insist upon meddling.

Its called “Shooting The Messenger” and in less enlightened times thats what a King would do to whoever had the unlucky job of telling him that his army had just been defeated (or whatever)

You don’t need to volunteer to be the Messenger here. If he already knows that the other guy is coming back, he also knows that his chance of having this girl dump the other guy are slim to none. But perhaps he figured it was worth a shot.

Just be a friend to both of them and let them live their lives as they choose.

I couldn’t have written it any better than @Kardamom did for you.

@Kardamom I spoke with him and you were spot on. He seemed understanding and assured me he’ll be okay. I hope so. He’s a smart guy, I actually have faith that he will be. I know the majority voted me not to speak with him but I felt a need to express my concern. If he wasn’t a nice guy, and most of all my friend… I wouldn’t have said anything.

It seems your mind was made up before you posted your concern here. But, good you took that out of your system.

@Kokoro I think it’s totally OK that you spoke to him as long as you weren’t trying to tell him that he should walk away, or that he was an idiot. And I know you didn’t do that. Hopefully he’ll lean on you when the other girl does get back together with the other fellow. He may be OK now, but he’ll probably need a shoulder to lean on when that happens. I think you’re a good friend : )

Thank you @Kardamom. :) @Yeahright I knew I wanted to talk to him which is why the question was “How” not “Should” I talk to him. Thanks, it was good to let it out.