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mtndew2's avatar

Did I prematurely end dating him?

Asked by mtndew2 (34points) July 7th, 2012

I am 35 and have started dating this guy from out of state.We have been dating for about a month. He’s gone out of his way to drive the distance to see me. He makes efforts to plan our weekends and we go on trips often. He calls everyday. However, we used to talk for an hour everyday but that has slowed a bit. He makes references to me meeting his family and wanting a girlfriend but then later says he doesn’t want to settle down. We haven’t been intimate. I started getting on his case about his inconsistencies which led to him saying he just wanted to date and have fun. He admitted he just got out of a bad relationship. I ended it because I wanted long term. Am I wrong?

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12 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

Do you miss him?

gorillapaws's avatar

How old are you guys? I don’t see what’s wrong with keeping things casual for a while since you are in different states. You’ve only hung out for like 4 or 5 times so far right? It’s clear he’s not using you for sex, so what’s the rush to make things so serious? Why not date casually for a while and see how things develop over time? If something better comes along for either of you, there is no obligation, and you guys can enjoy eachother’s company and get to know if it’s something you want to make more serious.

Bellatrix's avatar

If you are now feeling so unsure about your choice – quite possibly. It sounds to me like he is a bit gun-shy. He has told you he just got out of a relationship so he is probably trying not to make another mistake. I would respect that and be patient. Enjoy the time with him and don’t get too hung up on ‘what might be’. See how things go. It doesn’t sound like you have been seeing each other for ages. Better to let him ease into a relationship with you than force his hand too soon.

Coloma's avatar

It’s really all about what YOU want.
I’m not an advocate of rebound relationships at all.
I think anyone needs to take space and at LEAST a 6 month break in dating after the end of a relationship. If it’s been a LT situation of some years or longer I think even more space is needed.

Sometimes rebounds work out but it is rare.
Personally, if it were me I’d let him go before you become more attached to someone who is being very CLEAR about his ambivalent feelings.
Proceed at your own risk.

If you really want a LT relationship and are ready for that I wouldn’t gamble with an emotionally conflicted guy on the rebound.
I don’t date anyone that is less than a year if not 2–3 out of a LT relationship and I am very wary of people that cannot be alone with themselves and feel the need to constantly be seeking relationship.
Screams needy and insecure. Bah…run Forresta run! lol

Kardamom's avatar

How could you have possibly gone on trips often if you only dated for a month? 30 days.

This guy probably likes you OK, but he’s not ready to be a real boyfriend to you. I think it’s good that you broke up. Also, the fact that he lives out of state makes having a real relationship difficult if not impossible. You were in a very brief long distance relationship, making it easy for him to wine and dine you and probably have fun sex, but then after a long weekend, he went home and you went back to work, or whatever your life was. There are lots of guys who LOVE that kind of arrangement. Wham bam, thank you m’aam.

He also told you that he’s not ready to settle down. If you’ve been only dating him for 30 days, I would hope that he’s not ready to make a full comittment to you or anyone else, but because he said what he did, I think what he really meant was that he was not ready to enter into a monogamous relationship with you. I think you did the right thing in breaking it off with him. He might be a good guy, but he’s not the right guy for you, right now.

Try to avoid getting yourself caught up in any kind of long distance relationship. Relationships, in general are hard enough, but when you put long distance into the mix, all sorts of bad things can happen. Like other women being more geographically convenient, and being able to clandestinely carry on as a “single” when you’re supposed to be a couple.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

Only you (and maybe he, but it’s not his call) can say whether you ended things for the wrong reason, or prematurely, or both.

But I think I would have listened to him about the “bad breakup” and given him some room to settle his feelings over that.

Put it this way: whether you ‘ended’ things prematurely or not isn’t the question. Did you maybe start things too soon? If you’re still on good terms with him, just let him know that you want him to get his own house in order, something only he can do, and then maybe try again.

BosM's avatar

Let’s see of we can sum up the facts you’ve provided.
You’ve been dating a guy from out of state for about a month.
1. He’s gone out of his way to drive the distance to see you.
2. He makes efforts to plan your weekends and we go on trips often.
3. He calls everyday.
4. He makes references to you meeting his family and wanting a girlfriend but then later says he doesn’t want to settle down.
5. He hasn’t pressured you into an intimate relationship. Was honest with you about just wanting to date because he recently ended a bad relationship

What you have done
1. Started getting on his case about his inconsistencies.
2. Ended things with him because you wanted a long term relationship.
3. Are now asking if you are wrong?

I am not trying to be harsh, but maybe you’ve been a bit impatient with him. Do you really want to rush him into a LT relationship? Doesn’t every LT relationship start with a more casual, short-term relationship? If you feel you’ve made a mistake then own it, apologize, and see where the relationship goes. You don’t have to make it exclusive, but, do be honest about that. Good luck to you. Peace, BosM

Sunny2's avatar

You may have been premature. A month is a pretty short time to cut it off. I’d call him and tell him you miss him and ask him out.

Tairiss's avatar

If you wanted long term, then I don’t believe your decision was wrong.
Usually people that want long term try to compromise and have fun with someone that doesn’t when they start to develop a particular liking or even love for them, hoping at the back of their head that it will someday change.
But in most cases, from my experience, people that have left a relationship recently and “want to have fun” are usually still hung over their ex, healing, etc. My ex told me he wanted the same, and eventually left me to go back to his ex. Luckily he did it after two weeks of dating, so I didn’t have time to attach enough to be heartbroken. I wasn’t even sad, precisely because I was consciously aware of what I was getting into and didn’t get my hopes up.
If you have the patience to deal with all that and are prepared to risk having your heart broken (like the risk of any other new relationship, really, except this kind it’s a higher risk in my opinion), then go for it. But that’s being a little more optimistic than reality would allow it, so it wouldn’t go as smooth as you probably want a relationship to go, nor in the direction you want it to go, and a foundation for a relationship has proven to be crucial in my case.

athenasgriffin's avatar

You may have been premature, but really it depends on the other things that factored into you ending it.

Did you end things because you do not have legitimately strong feelings for him, romantically? If not, then you were premature. If so, then it was probably good that you ended things.

Did you end things because you were fearful that he would never commit to you? If so, then were these feelings intuition about him as a person, or were they your baggage and insecurities from past relationships and internal fears getting in the way?

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