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Beatrix's avatar

I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and told him why, yet he's messaging me on Facebook saying he's confused?

Asked by Beatrix (50points) July 29th, 2012

I love him very much but I had to end it because we were in a long distance relationship. Although our time together was amazing, being apart from him upset me too much. He was also terrible at communicating via text, etc. Sometimes he’d go three days without contacting me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he was in touch regularly.

Anyway, he’s already been sending me messages on Facebook. I was quite shocked because he seemed to take the break up well when I ended it. We even hugged and told each other to take care.

At first he messaged me saying ‘Are you ok?’

I replied saying ‘I think it’s best we don’t talk to each other for a while. I’m sorry…’

Then he said ‘I’m a bit confused with how sudden this all is to be honest. You couldn’t stop kissing me the last time we were together and now you don’t want to talk to me? It’s a bit strange don’t you think?’

What do you think is going on in his mind, guys? When we broke up we we’re chatting for at least half an hour about why I wanted to break up, e.g. the distance, him not being attentive enough… so it’s not like he didn’t get closure.

Additional information: I broke up with him in person.

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11 Answers

DeanV's avatar

How did you break up with him? Please tell me you didn’t do it via Facebook/Text/Email.

BosM's avatar

Hmmm, interesting question: What do you think is going on in his mind?

Well, it sounds like this came on suddenly to him and he is still trying to make sense of it. Remember, most of us guys look for the “logic” in things, and when we can’t figure this kind of stuff out well, we tend to need to ask questions to get closure.

Remember, you went from not being able to “stop kissing him the last time you were together” to breaking up. Mixed messages, don’t you think?

Going three days without texting or talking may not be a big deal for most of us. For you it is, so whatever you do, realize we are all different. Long-distance relationships are difficult, if you told him the “facts” he’ll eventually get it, but remember, the pain of the break will take a while to subside. Give it time. Good luck. Peace, BosM

filmfann's avatar

Welcome to Fluther, where we easily dispense wonderful relationship advice.

How far away do you two live from each other?
What are the circumstances (school, work, family)?
How far separated are you?

wundayatta's avatar

Men, I think, don’t get much out of talk. We understand things physically. So when you kiss us, touch us, make love to us, we understand you love us. When you talk to us, well, it says something, but if it goes against your actions, it doesn’t make sense.

Women, I have found, place much more emphasis on words. You believe words more than you believe actions. A guy can treat you like shit, but if he tells you he loves you, over and over, you seem to believe that for an awful lot longer than a man ever would believe it. Conversely, if we don’t tell you we love you, no matter what we do, you don’t believe we love you. You need words.

So these are the different love “languages” of men and women.

Your problem is that you think he is speaking your language and he isn’t. He is looking what you do. And what you do is love him. In this case, you even tell us you love him very much. He sees this and does not pay attention to your words, because your words are lying. Not deliberately, mind you, but they don’t say the same story as your body does.

If you want him to break up with you, you have to stop loving him. You have to get in a fight and make him feel bad. You have to convince him this is the end. Right now, I doubt if you can do that, because you still love him.

What I think you are doing, and probably not consciously, is trying to stir the pot a little so you can solve this long distance problem. I don’t believe you want to break up, really. I think that subconsciously, you are hoping that by saying you want to break up, you will motivate him to do something to solve the distance issue. Because, let’s face it, isn’t that what you really want?

zenvelo's avatar

If you are truly broken up with him, you need to cut off communication completely, which means de-friending him on Facebook and blocking his number on your phone.

Welcome to Fluther.

JLeslie's avatar

He’s upset. The shock of the whole thing is really hitting him now, and he is probably beginning to feel really really awful and out of control. He is hoping to be able to fix things and get back together probably. You can tell him that you are sorry that he is upset and confused, but that your mind is made up and nothing he can say will change it. After trying to be understanding a few times and letting him try to get more closure, and also telling him you are not going to carry on conversations with him going forward, if he doesn’t stop trying to communicate with you, after a few more conversations, you will have to draw a line and be, well, mean, not respond. Meanwhile, right now you can never be the one to initiate calling or texting him, because then you are playing with his emotions. Not for the next 6 months to 2 years. Seriously.

Crashsequence2012's avatar

He is simply wanting continued contact of any kind.

tedd's avatar

In the heat of the moment he probably didn’t know how to respond. Maybe he was facing similar feelings about your relationship, but when truly faced with the reality of it being over he realized he didn’t want to lose you.

On another note, I wouldn’t let distance stand in the way of a happy relationship. If you truly love him and find him amazing, I would suggest holding onto that. There aren’t many of those in your life.

JHUstudent's avatar

Have to agree with @tedd here. The very FIRST thing you said on this thread is how much you love him. Distance is tough, but it is not a deal breaker in my opinion. I know plenty of people who have thrived in a long-distance relationship. It all depends on how much you care.

I have to be honest, I might be confused if I was him too. If you were actually kissing all over him the night before, and then broke up, no matter how clear your break-up message was, that’s gotta be hard to understand.

Sounds like you just want him to talk to you more and be a better communicator. So just say that. I’m not convinced you wanted to actually break up.

jca's avatar

@JHUstudent: The OP also mentioned that he would go a few days without contacting her. For some, this would indicate disinterest or be a red flag that his affections may be elsewhere.

Eleonora's avatar

i know this feeling, but remember guys are like elastic, when you come close they dissapear when you keep a hudge distance he would come back men need something to run after….its a fact

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