Social Question

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

How do you fall in love?

Asked by Hawaii_Jake (34936points) August 1st, 2012

“There were books about how to be gay; he’d seen them in stores and libraries. Some of them even had diagrams. But there weren’t any diagrams about how to fall in love with your best friend and not fuck everything up.”
― Poppy Z. Brite, The Value of X

So, I fell for a man who is also a close friend. We sat staring into each other’s eyes. We held hands. We kissed.

I felt his warm skin.

And I received messages from him saying he doesn’t believe he feels as strongly about loving me as I do for him.

I’m disappointed. This morning, I’m picking myself up and dusting myself off.

We’ll still be friends. I’ll still be supportive and helpful and kind, and I’ll have a small place in my soul burning, smoldering.

What is love like for you? How do you fall in love?

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18 Answers

CWOTUS's avatar

Just as hard as that, @Hawaii_Jake. Just that way. I’m glad you still have your friend; I sympathize that you won’t have more there.

And it takes so damn long to get over that, too.

TexasDude's avatar

I’m sorry to hear that didn’t quite work out, Jake, but I’m glad you were able to dust yourself off.

As for me, I fall fast and hard and often.

laurenkem's avatar

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard I’m with you on this one except for the “often” part. I may not fall often but, man, when I do, it is fast and it is hard hard hard. It is life-consuming and overwhelming, neither one of which is necessarily a good thing.

@Hawaii_Jake , I’m so sorry this didn’t work out for you. But I promise, there will be a next one that will feel as strongly about you as you do about him.

wonderingwhy's avatar

For me, it’s like having the curtain pulled away and realizing what I’d thought was reality was nothing but its vague, faded, shadow. Standing on a cold mountain before dawn watching and feeling the world, in perfect silence, become awash in color, warmth, and light and letting it flow over and through you. It radiates certainty, security, warmth – that timeless feeling of your arms around each other, being there for them, and losing yourself in that because that’s all that matters.

Because of the strength and cost of that bond I’m very careful, but when I go, I go all in. Needless to say, it can be rough but, I can say without the slightest hesitation, it’s been worth it.

And you know, to me We’ll still be friends. I’ll still be supportive and helpful and kind, and I’ll have a small place in my soul burning, smoldering. that right there is one of the best things about it, perhaps even in its own way defines it.

Best of luck to you.

Mr_Paradox's avatar

I’m the person who takes awhile to get to know a person and when I figure out that it isn’t going to work out I just slowly disapear from that persons radar. I come in quitely and I leave quitly. THAT keeps me from falling hard and fast. I’m that wandering soul that moves from place to place and sorta slips in and out of your life. I have friends that I sort of drifted away from and years later drift back in, then out again. I guess I’m a wandering soul just looking for someone like me. Who comes and goes, but always comes back and stays awhile.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Just as quickly as I fall out of love.

DigitalBlue's avatar

People usually don’t like my take on this subject, because it isn’t very romantic. I don’t believe in “in love.” I believe in love, as in a deep bond with people, but it just takes on a sort of familial closeness, I love a lot of people. I believe in lust, of course, and that initial, flirty stage of a relationship with lots of chemicals and hormones swirling around and it feels exciting and pleasant, but I don’t even think I understand the concept of “falling in love.”

ucme's avatar

I’ve no idea how to answer this, I just do I guess.

janbb's avatar

Except for the gay part, sounds like something I’ve gone through. As I’ve gotten to know this person more, the deep love and friendship I feel for him is and the knowledge I am coming to have of all his issues is turning him more into a loving friend than a love object. But it is a struggle for me. I tend to fall fast and hard with not much rational thought. It helps if you can keep in mind their negative attributes…..

CWOTUS's avatar

LOL @janbb: No one falls in love “rationally”. I sure don’t. Can’t.

josie's avatar

I understand what you are saying. And I have no dog in your fight, so do what you do. I won’t bother you.
But that is a lot of drama by my standard.
Falling is love is pretty simple stuff as I see it. It is partially organic, and partially a decision. We sense it, we pursue it, and hopefully we are enriched by it. And maybe we commit forever.
But in the end it is a voluntary, mutual arrangement.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I have no friggin idea.

Pandora's avatar

One honest word at a time.

augustlan's avatar

Very rarely, but very hard. Not always quickly, but always hard. I’m sorry this one didn’t work out for you, Jake. <3

Mama_Cakes's avatar

It usually takes time. Never happens quickly. It is hard for me to trust and for the person to “get in”.

Shippy's avatar

I think it’s even easier to fall for your best friend when you are gay. Simply because there is that thing whereby you could just be friends, or you might never know. It’s different when you are heterosexual because the roles are neatly scripted out. Don’t get too close to your male best friend if you are female. There are some boundaries.

To me there is a different kind of falling in love, the slow steady closer intimacy kind, where it is often rooted in the best friend scenario, and then there is the POW smack in the face kind. I can’t debate which is better, or that it matters in this question.

The nice thing about love is, it changes shape, and form, and your love and your friends love, even though not turning out the way you required, will never go away… In fact a deeper different kind of love can form. Just the sex will not be there. And perhaps it will not even matter at that time. We don’t always “have” to have the person we love, in the way we imagined to.

I have fallen in love rarely, and in different ways, I have had the over night sensation, but that is rare and it’s delightful too. But most of my loves have been a slow process, a kind of growth into love. I am not sure which one I prefer, except to say I know which one feels much safer.

janbb's avatar

@Shippy That was a great answer!

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