Am I playing with fire when it comes to this guy - PART II?

In my experience LDR do not work, especially if neither party is willing to relocate, and, obviously, whichever person does relocate is putting themselves at high risk of potentially ending up stuck in an area they do not really want to remain in if the relationship breaks down.
You can try it for awhile and see if it seems to be working but, without a desire for a serious relationship, it seems like a lot of work and effort for few rewards.
I dated someone that lived 70 miles away a few years ago, that drive got old really fast and I broke it off because of the distance, and the guys kids, who were young teens.
I have a grown daughter and have zero interest in working around issues with another persons kids these days.

Nobody can advise you, it’s your call.

A friend of mine died and left 4 kinds for her husband to care for. It wasn’t long before her husband married a younger woman. When the kids were old enough to go off to college, they divorced. Just saying. I had another friend who died leaving twins. Her husband remarried and they had a happy life together. They had two more kids and everybody got along great. Only death parted them. He died.

Older men can be very easy to be around. They have a lot of experience of ‘handling’ a woman and can make all the right moves. Yes, it can work. Just be sure this is what you really want. And get to know the kids well before making a permanent move.

His children are an integral part of his life; you should be acutely aware of that. He may not be able to have a casual relationship as easily as you. He can’t park his kids somewhere while you two get it on.

That does matter, at this point or any other.

How can we possibly advise you?

@gailcalled I would never expect him to leave his children anywhere for me.. I am very aware that children are the number one priority of any parent, and would never try to get in the way of that. As it is, he only has them every other weekend, and I wouldn’t even so much as suggest that he visit me instead of having them.

The advice you seem to be asking is “should I let myself fall in love with this guy and start a long-term relationship”? And that’s what we can’t really advise on. Because he does have those kids, and while he may be technically correct that “those things [meaning his location and your feelings about kids, as well as the kids themselves] don’t matter at this point”, because all you’re doing is having a non-committed relationship and (one presumes) good sex. Well, if that’s all you want then you wouldn’t be asking for advice now, would you?

So the advice I have to give you is to meet his kids casually if he will permit that (many parents wouldn’t) to see how you feel about them and the possibility of spending alternate weekends with them at some point for as long as you decide to keep a LTR going with this guy.

It’s also hard to give you advice that may be pertinent based on age. You’ve already given us the age delta between you and they guy: 10 years. But if he is, say, 40 and has 20-year-old kids, then that could be a huge issue to you. Likewise if you’re 20 and he has 10-year-olds, that might be difficult for you to accept. If his kids are just toddlers, that might be less of an issue for you to deal with in terms of their ages being too close to you, but it also might saddle you with a lot more babysitting than you want to consider in a LTR.

You have to consider his kids, is my advice to mimic what @gailcalled already said.

“As it is, he only has them every other weekend,..”

Custody arrangements and visitation guidelines are never fixed in stone for non-custodial parents. There are always surprises and changes in plans; special events, illnesses, emergencies, changing needs of the kids, and re-visiting the agreement.

Doesn’t seem that any of you is an arsonist, so i’d say no you’re not.

i tend to fall in love first and ask questions later so I’m probably not the best person to advise you.

@CWOTUS The kids are little. As in, they could be mine if I started at 17. I guess I didn’t feel that the focus on children was as important at this point as it’s sounding. Honestly, I’ve never even considered dating men with children. So it’s all new, and I appreciate the discussion.

Right now, my life is busy as it is. I’d be more than understanding if things came up in his personal life that didn’t fit with mine (mainly things with kids). I’m not trying to trap him. I just don’t want to rule him out because of other commitments that he may have.

I’ve never seen anyone (that I know personally) that has ever survived a long distance relationship. The distance thing is a real problem for several reasons. Spontaneity is non-existent. Every meeting has to be planned. You won’t be able to see this fellow every day, which I assume would become important to you if you get any more serious with him.

What if you needed him or he needed you in an emergency situation? You’re 2 hours away.

And the biggest problem with a LDR is that you never really get to know the person in a real way. It’s just a make believe life. You only get to see him when he’s alone and on his best behavior, most likely when you guys are having an amorous time together. Not with the kids around, or having to withness his job stress or his embarrassing throat clearing or his ridiculous donkey-braying laugh when he’s watching his favorite TV show (that you may hate) or his hour long stints on the pot in the morning, or his messy housekeeping skills, or his jelly-smeared counters.

You also won’t be seeing him interact with his friends and family, to see what kind of a person he really is when he’s not smooching with you. The way he treats the other special people in his life is really telling, but you won’t be able to see any of that.

It should trouble you that he says his kids aren’t a problem (or your words: don’t matter) at this point. His kids should be his number one concern, but it doesn’t sound like they are. And if he is caring for them like he should, then you will always be number 2, or even 3 or 4 depending upon what type of work he does and how much time he has to interact with his ex-wife or other family members.

It’s sounds sweet for him to tell you how much you matter to him, but a sweet comment is not reality. Why would you consciously put yourself into a situation when you know that you will at best be number 2 in his life?

One of my friends, who was in her mid twenties at the time, got involved with a fellow who had a 2 year old son. She thought it would be wonderful to get together with this man, who expressed generous amounts of love and passion for her, but guess what? He had 50/50 custody of his son with his ex-wife. The ex wife was not thrilled at all to know that some other woman was spending the night while her child was there and she made a big (reasonable in my opinion) stink about it. The little boy should have been the primary concern for everyone invovled, but he wasn’t. They had a fast and furious whirlwind romance. Unfortunately what happened in their case is that my friend grew resentful towards her boyfriend, because he often had to go and pick up his son, even when it wasn’t his regular day. My friend started interacting with the child, making the child grow an attachment towards her. She wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend, which just wasn’t possible, and she also had to endure the anger of the ex-wife, who didn’t think it was proper that he was spending so much time with my friend, instead of their son. Ultimately they broke up. Can you imagine how awful that must have been for the little boy? And this was a couple that lived in the same town. They didn’t even have the added negative of living far apart.

I also agree with some of the other’s advice, that if one of you doesn’t plan to move to the other person’s city, this LDR thing is going to become grueling and very inconvenient very soon.

Ummm… are you sure he is truly single? Where were his kids when he was taking this vacation?
Do you want the drama of an ex, and /or child support?
Do you want children of your own? Does he want to start a family again?

Sure, things were wonderful when the two of you were alone in a romantic setting with a little alcohol, and the potential for a lot of sex.
But in the real world, with good lighting, you notice the grass has to be mowed, the kitchen cleaned up, and the dirty laundry washed and folded.
You’ll be fine if your needs are the same as his. Are they?

In the meantime, make sure he is single.. Got it? (Visit his house.)

I would like to say you are intelligent and write very well. Your details are clear and concise. You say you stated your concerns to him, which means you are creating clear boundaries. I believe you are going about this the right way.

I don’t have the answer for you, but I can tell you the story of a very close friend of mine. She married a man 15 years her senior with children. They met and lived far apart, but they struck up a relationship. The man was divorced and had full custody of his children, and he was in bankruptcy proceedings at the time.

Against all advice, my friend pursued the LDR, and they eventually married. They’ve been happily married now for over 20 years, and they have an extremely successful business. They own a home where they live and recently bought a home one house off the beach on Kaua`i. They’re doing very well.

While the odds may be against you, they’re not impossible ones.

Now for my opinion: have fun. Enjoy yourself. Let him wine you and dine you. And keep your boundaries. Keep speaking your concerns. Keep being the intelligent, personable lady I imagine behind the writing.

@Hawaii_Jake I wish I had thought of all that to say. I agree!

@LuckyGuy I should point out that the fellow that my friend dated, in the above tale, was a married man. I didn’t want to throw that into the mix, but that was the case. You are a wise man to bring that up.

My friend was an idiot because she actually knew the fellow was married, but she stepped into that minefield anyway

No one can work out a situation, if we could we would have no life experience. He sounds nice, you like him, take it one day at a time, and enjoy.

Keep a clear head, go with the flow, and let the chips fall where they may.

Other than that, we can’t really advise you with a definite on what you should do.