Social Question

fueledbyramen's avatar

Confused about my sexuality?

Asked by fueledbyramen (27points) August 30th, 2012

Okay, well, I’m Sara. I’m 18, and I have a boyfriend. Let’s call him Jack. He’s 26 (I know, bit of an age difference, but it works just fine. It’s not weird to me or anyone else who knows us), and he’s wonderful. I identify as bisexual, and my boyfriend knows and he’s completely fine with it. I met him about 8 months ago, and at the time I only wanted to date girls. I’ve never actually dated a girl, but I was convinced that I didn’t want any more relationships with guys. However, because I told him that I was bisexual, he continually tried to win me over. I fell for him pretty quickly, and we’ve been together for a little over 5 months. He’s wonderful. He’s sweet, and caring, and understands me and he’s always there for me. I really love him a lot. We have had sex and it’s enjoyable. He does turn me on quite a lot.

Lately though, I’ve been really confused again about my sexuality, wondering if this is what I really want. I’ve been thinking “Well what if I would be happier with a girl.” I also may or may not have a pretty big crush on his friend Amanda. She’s 18, too, and bisexual as well, and she’s so beautiful and sweet and funny and she’s a force of personality. She’s great and I’ve sort of developed a crush on her recently. :/ Jack has even said to me “I think Amanda has a crush on you. She’s ALWAYS gushing about you. To me. To other people. CONSTANTLY.” I keep wondering if I’m missing out on what would make me happiest. However, I really do love Jack, and it would kill me to hurt him. He’s always saying how no one has ever made him as happy as I do, and he wants me “for the rest of his days” and everything, and how without me, he’s “an empty shell of a person.” I would feel AWFUL hurting him. I never want to do that, because I really do love him a lot.

I’m really confused, though. I don’t want to break up with Jack, because what if it’s just a phase? Then I’ve destroyed a wonderful relationship and hurt him for no reason. But how can I know if I’d rather be with a girl if I don’t go out and do something about it? I would never cheat on Jack, but I don’t want to break up with him and hurt him like that, especially if I’m not even sure. And what do I do about my crush on his friend Amanda? What do I do? Please please help. I can’t sleep at night because I can’t stop thinking about this. :/

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13 Answers

anatidaephobiac's avatar

In an effort to simplify the issue, lets pretend “Amanda” is male, in other words, is sexuality really a factor here?

imgr8's avatar

Something that I really believe, yet still have trouble actually doing, is that you NEED to put yourself first. Constantly worrying about whether or not your actions will hurt other people is exhausting and no matter what, you can’t please everyone. I completely agree with @anatidaephobiac , genders aside, is this person worth leaving a relationship for? Only you can decide that.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@anatidaephobiac has hit the nail on the head. I don’t believe you, @fueledbyramen, are confused about your sexuality so much as you are confused about whom you want to be with. I doubt we can help you here to decide that.

DigitalBlue's avatar

I can’t really say it better than it has been said above.
However, I will say that when I met my husband I was in a place where my interest in women was much stronger than my interest in men, and I really didn’t see myself being with another man (possibly ever), let alone at the time. That was many years ago, so clearly he won me over, and I never struggle with my sexuality. I know that I’m attracted to people that I’m attracted to, and their gender is not part of the equation for me, but I’m in a committed relationship. I’m with him because I love him and I believe in the strength of our marriage, not because he’s a man.

augustlan's avatar

I agree with what others have said… if Amanda was a guy, would you be willing to break up with your boyfriend to try dating Amanda? If so, you know what to do. If not, relegate it to fantasy land and enjoy your relationship.

That said, maybe what you are really interested in is having sex with a woman. If that’s the case, you could try talking to your boyfriend about your unfulfilled fantasy. Some people are willing to give their partners some leeway.

anatidaephobiac's avatar

Hehe, threeway anyone?

I must agree, that stood out in my mind as one of the stronger elements not to be addressed.

(not the threeway – the experience of being with a woman)

Shippy's avatar

I consider myself bisexual. I have done for some 20 years or so. When I say bisexual I mean I know I could love and have loved males and females in my life. Not many though. I think I have truly only loved two people. One was male one was female.

Because I consider being bisexual as being able to see past the “sex” of the person. I see the person inside. I don’t consider a particular gender can give me a little more or a little better than another gender.Simply because it is a person thing. Some guys are nurturing, some females are not. I think you may know where I am headed with this not sure?

If in the past I have fantasized about another person whilst with someone already I never considered was because they were the opposite sex to that which I was dating. It was more a factor of, I wasn’t ready to settle down or, I hadn’t found what I was looking for or much deeper things like, has this communication issue been left too long sort of thing.

Also I feel being bisexual is my identity it doesn’t cause me to wander off, or get confused. It is people and situations that do that to me. Or my own lack of insight. Even when I am single I am still bisexual.

Seek's avatar

On a scale of one to ten (one being gay, ten being straight), I consider myself to be about an 6.5. I’m physically attracted to women just as much as men, but I have never met a woman that I feel attracted to beyond the physical.

I’m also married, to a man who is probably the only dude on the planet not interested in a threesome. It kinda sucks. I love him dearly, but I do kind of regret not being more adventurous before I met him.

You’re 18, you’re not married, and you want to play. This is your time to experiment. Have some fun. You don’t get this time of your life back again.

tedd's avatar

I would take the sex differences (ie male/female) out of the equation, and just go from there. You’ve put it out there that you’re bisexual. Maybe that will change over time, you’re still young. You could end up flat out gay or flat out straight eventually. But as a stated bisexual, so the different sexes of your potential suitors should be a moot point.

I also have to second the 3-way idea brought up by a few people. Sounds like a perfect opportunity. I know that will just sound like perverted guy talk, but come on how often do you get a good setup like that in life?

fueledbyramen's avatar

I understand the whole taking the genders out of the equation thing, but what I’m saying is what if I’m actually a lesbian. Lesbians can love a man, right? But then they always say that they love who he is, and not his gender? And then they spend forever wishing they were with a female? That scares me, because I’m afraid what I have could turn into that. I am happy with my boyfriend… It’s just… sometimes I think about girls when we’re… in the act… and it feels like I’m missing something by giving up my opportunity to find a girl to be with. Which sounds terrible, but I don’t mean it like that. Do you guys know what I mean?

DrBill's avatar

….also, in all fairness, you did tell him beforehand that you were bi, so he knows there is interest there, why not just ask him his thoughts on you seeing a girl. He might support you or not, but then at least you would know his position.

psyonicpanda's avatar

I think you need to take some time to think about yourself. As a person and what feeling you have for yourself and for those around you. Explorations is simply apart of life and it is human to be curious but what you have to really think about is if that is the life you see yourself living. With a man or with women which ever make you more comfortable with yourself, you should stick with. Bouncing back and forth im sure could only cause more confusion in your mind and heart.

ninjacolin's avatar

Nah, I don’t really have any good advice.. some thoughts though.. okay maybe a little advice but mostly thoughts:

- Communicate your issue to your boyfriend. Tell him what you’re going through. Keep him in the loop. He’s important.

- Sounds like a 3 way might be your most practical solution. That way you get to have the fantasy and experience of being with a woman in a way that may (no guarantees) satisfy a fantasy of theirs. You may realize that it’s just a young persons’ horniness getting in the way of a mature person’s dream relationship.

- Dating that person sounds like you’re risking 2 relationships, not just one. If it all gets fucked up, then you’re going to split with him AND he’ll lose his relationship with her too.

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