(NSFW) Women: Have you ever ended a FWB relationship in which the man said he felt what you had was more than a FWB relationship?

No. I don’t do FWB’s. It’s a gamble, and even if you are very clear about your intentions that is no guarantee that one or the other parties involved won’t fall down that slippery slope of emotional attachment. All that can be done is to express that this was a risk and that you are sorry that the feelings are not mutual but, hey…eyes wide open.

Is the man just saying the words and not living them? What I mean is, does he take you out on dates, take you around his family and friends, have dinner with you without expecting sex? Or does he just call for a booty call at night?

He doesn’t view me as a girlfriend. I find him to be a very confusing person at the moment. I’m not even sure if I’d be comfortable with it if he did view me as a girlfriend. I’ve played with the idea of it before, but still. As for calling me up for a booty call, I don’t remember him ever doing such a thing. If anything, he doesn’t seem to like the term FWB for what we have because it’s assumed to be a booty call relationship and that’s not how he views it.

For me, I like to know exactly where I stand with people. I found myself inadvertently in a FWB’s relationship when I was about your age. I thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend and I was truly in love with the fellow. I had the stupid idea of assuming that we were a real couple. One day, when I was trying to have a deep/romantic conversation with him, he told me that he didn’t feel as strongly as I did and it would be best if we “cooled it” (his words). Turns out that he was having relations with another girl at the same time. For him, we could have continued on indefinitely if I had never expressed any needs or desires and that the times we got together would be decided by him and only him, he would have been fine with that. He never really lied to me, it was more of the sin of ommision and not being clear and direct with me from the get go.

I vowed to never get involved in a situation in which the “relationship” was not clearly defined. I don’t mean that relationships have to be rigid, they just have to be defined and both parties need to be in agreement with what the relationship is and what it isn’t, and where it’s headed. To do otherwise is just setting both people up for frustration and anger and somebody, the one who cares more about the other person, is almost 100% likely to get hurt.

People get hurt in defined relationships too, when one of the people’s feelings changes and decides to go out of the boundaries of the relationship, but if you have no definition then you have no real way of moving forth or participating fully in a fill in the blank—- because we don’t know what we have, or don’t have. I believe in freedom and all that stuff, but the idea of floating around in a nebulous void is just not for me. Even if it ends, you don’t know whether you are broken up or not, because supposedly there was never anything there, or was there???

At this point in my life, with all that I have learned, and all of the pitfalls I’ve fallen into,I would not consider having a sexual relationship with someone who didn’t consider me to be his exclusive girlfriend. But that’s just me. I spent too much of my youth trying to fit in with some un-attainable idea of how I should be or change or accept, for a guy. Now I’m pretty sure of what I want and if the other person doesn’t like what I’m offering, then so be it.

And since we do live in a society, nebulous undefined relationships make it un-comfortable and awkward for other people too. I’m not saying that you or anyone else should conform to what society expects, but imagine how it must be for a parent to not know whether his child has a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a quickie sex partner. It would be perfectly acceptable to invite a boyfriend or fiance or spouse over to the holiday dinner, but it would be pretty embarrasing to invite someone who is simply a sex buddy. I know it’s very different for you, because your own father does not accept any kind of relationship attachments for his children (which is a huge obstacle for you to overcome). The problem with your father, and the fact that you live with him is the biggest problem that you have right now, regardless of the FWB’s guy.

Same goes for weddings or family parties. Imagine working at a company and there is some type of function in which spouses/SO’s are invited. How is that going to work? Imagine someone else wanting to date you or the nebulous guy. How do you explain the situation? What happens at the hospital when one of you is in the emergency room? If you don’t have some type of defined relationship, you won’t be allowed in to see or make decisions for your person (as a lot of gay people have known for years, because they are not allowed to define their relationship in a legal way).

Even with your own friends, it can be very awkward if they have no idea what this person is to you. Maybe that’s their own fault, that it’s awkward, but you have to realize that we live in a society and certain expectations go along with certain relationships.

The most important thing is for you to define exactly what it is that you want, and then make a plan on how to achieve that in a way that will not damage you.

^ @Kardamom Thank you SO much for writing all this. It makes total sense now why you were going out of your way trying to make sure I wouldn’t get hurt in the other threads. You don’t want me to end up in the same situation as you were now. I get it now and understand you so much better. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me and truly showing me that you really do have my best interests at heart. This thread is actually a result of things you’ve said to me. I am listening and taking you seriously, even if it might not seem like it at times. From the way you’ve written your advice here, it also shows that you have been listening and trying to understand me as well. You have no idea how much respect I have for you right now for ‘daring’ to challenge me and my situation, even if I was defensive in the past with you.

@AnonymousWoman Thank you : ) I know you are in a really hard position right now. You really care about this fellow, and I’m sure he cares about you. He has a different idea about how to proceed and has some fairly unconventional ideas. You have the added problem of dealing with your father’s outdated ideas. You’ve had a few conventional boyfriends let you down. So I do understand that it is hard for you to decide what to do. I hope that some of us Jellies will be able to stand behind you and help you move forward to wherever it is you want to be. Use our failures and screwups and heartaches as your own : )

I had one FWB relationship, and we defined it as such from the outset, but I insisted on exclusivity. We got together on the weekends and had our fun, but after nearly a year, I got bored with it… I wanted a deeper relationship in my life, but he was not relationship material, so I ended it. He knew that he was not in a position to have a serious relationship, so he wasn’t hurt when I ended it.

I see that your issue is more complex than your question states, and it appears that the guy you’re with wants the best of both worlds. I’ve dealt with guys like that, too; and I’m willing to bet that you’re better off letting this guy go, and moving on with your life. I have never seen a couple succeed in rebuilding trust once it’s been betrayed. Good luck!

I’ve seen this movie before, and it’s never good. Any relationship require a meeting of the minds, and common goals. And it’s never a good idea to subvert yourself merely because somebody is whining, and sometimes you will have to hurt people to do what is best all around.

@Kardamom You’re welcome. :)

@Everyone: He is now my boyfriend. I didn’t insist on any labels. Things just naturally happened, I guess you could say. While I did consider leaving and ending things, I feel like it is a good thing that I didn’t go through with it.