General Question

themherme's avatar

Heard any good jokes lately?

Asked by themherme (191points) June 4th, 2008

I really hope not to offend anyone, but I heard this to day and I thought it was great:

Laura Bush, George Bush, and Dick Cheney are on a flight cross country. George says: you know I could drop a thousand dollar bill out of this plane and make someone very happy.
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says: well I could drop down 10 one hundred dollar bills out and make 10 people really happy.
Cheney smiles and says: well I could drop out 100 ten dollar bills out and make 100 people have a great day.
The pilot snickers to himself and says damn them big spenders, I could drop the three of them out of this plane and it would make 56 million people happy.

:*) hehe haha I know you all have some good ones!

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23 Answers

shrubbery's avatar

That is fantastic :P I don’t have any jokes right now but I just wanted to show my appreciation for yours. I will come back when I think of one.

iwamoto's avatar

hahahaha, made me laugh out loud, the rest in class is looking at me

brownlemur's avatar

My favorite joke:

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick!

robmandu's avatar

@brownlemur: not a brown lemur?

AstroChuck's avatar

A 40 year-old man and a 10 year-old boy are walking into the woods together at night. The boy looks up at the man and says, “Mister, I’m scared.” to which the man replies, “You’re scared? I have to walk out of these woods alone!”

JonnyCeltics's avatar

A mushroom walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. bartender looks at the mushroom and says, “hey, we don’t serve your kind here – get out!”
Mushroom looks back at him and says, “why not?! I’m a fun guy!”

robmandu's avatar

A man walks into a bar… Ow!

shrubbery's avatar

@Jonny and Rob,
I thought this was for good jokes
haha :P

Notreallyhere's avatar

What do you call a cow with no legs?....
-ground beef

nikipedia's avatar

My favorite joke is a geek joke, so pretty lame:

Dr. Heisenberg is cruising down the 101 with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Jack in the other. Naturally, the CHP pull him over. The cop saunters up to the car.

“License and registration, sir?”

Heisenberg hands them over.

“Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?” the cop asks.

“No. But I know exactly where I was,” Heisenberg answers.

brownlemur's avatar

@Nikipedia – That is the quote I have at the end of my gmail signature!

phoenyx's avatar

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl.

robmandu's avatar

Okay, so three guys are flying and crash land on a tropical island inhabited by cannibals. They’re captured in short order and placed before the chief. The chief instructs each man to go out in the island and collect twelve of any particular fruit. Which they do.

The first guy to come back is carrying twelve bananas. The chief tells him he must cram all the fruit up his butt without making a sound. If he fails, they’ll throw him in the pot and eat him.

So he gets started, but cannot even get halfway past the first banana without groaning. Bam! In the pot!

The second guy returns with twelve blueberries. The chief gives him the same ultimatum. So the second guy sets to work. He’s doing great! On the eleventh blueberry however, he laughs out loud. Bam! In the pot!

[ scene change ]

Outside the pearly gates, the first guy says to the second guy, ”Jim @johnpowell, what happened? You were doing so well. You almost made it.”

The second guy replies, “Yah, I thought I was home free. But then I saw Mike @zack coming back. And he was carrying twelve pineapples.”

wizard's avatar

How do catch a polar bear?

You go to Alaska, dig a 20-foot hole in the middle of the snow and throw some fish in there. You wait for a Polar Bear to come sniffing in front of the hole, and when he’s right in front of the hole, you sneak behind him and kick him in the ice-hole!

buster's avatar

why can’t two chinese people have a white baby? because two Wongs dont make a white.

BronxLens's avatar

What does the little computer call it’s dad?
.
.
.
Data

robmandu's avatar

@bronx, took me a second to get that one… had to end up saying the punchline out loud with “alternate” pronunciation.

Data’s name is properly pronounced /ˈdeɪtə/ (or day-tuh) as opposed to the alternative pronunciations /ˈdɑːtə/ (dah-ta) or /ˈdætə/ (datt-a). When Data corrects Dr. Katherine Pulaski for using the latter pronunciation, Pulaski asks, “What’s the difference?” Data replies, “One is my name. The other is not.”

Trustinglife's avatar

I love these jokes, guys. Keep ‘em coming.

Two Hindu swamis who were old friends greeted each other in the monastery hall.

The first asks, “Did you like my latest book, The Art of Levitation?”
The second swmi replies, “Yes! It kept me up all night!”

Trustinglife's avatar

An old, spry lady approaches in a man in a bar.

She says, “Why, you look like my third husband!”
The man is a bit surprised, but asks, “Oh really – how many times were you married?”
With a twinkle in her eye, she says, “Twice!”

robmandu's avatar

What do you get when you run over Batman and Robin with a steamroller? . . . Flatman and Ribbon!

—via Twitter

goldilocks's avatar

what do you get when you squeeze a synogague?
JEWSSS!!
(like juice… Only JEWS!)

shawnlxc's avatar

Old Woman: How would you describe my body
Old Man: I’d say you have a furniture body
Old Woman: What’s that mean?
Old Man: Your Chests are in your Drawers.

webmasterwilliam's avatar

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there’s twenty of them!! :-O

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