(NSFW) Is it normal to feel weepy after your first time?

It’s not common but it is not unusual. Sex can be very emotional, especially if you are in love with your boyfriend. And knowing a bit about you from past postings, it’s a measure of your health and how far you’ve gone that you are able to enjoy your body and his.

Confusion is normal, you get such mixed messages from society.
BTW things will never be the way they were (but you know this). Try talking to your boyfriend, he may be as confused as you.
You are acting normal. Laugh and continue on.

Sounds pretty powerful. I’d say you’re lucky to experience it so emotionally. Sounds like you have a really powerful connection with your boyfriend. That’s great.

Everyone feels differently about it, it sounds though as if it were really special to you. We can always be kids again, ask me, and I am nearly 50. :)

Guys, I’m not so sure it’s a good weepy.

@Mariah That makes a big difference. Did he act differently after?

Virginity is something you cannot get back, its a process in which you give something to that other person that they will subliminally hold forever. Maybe your subcontious sees it as a bad thing. I would suggest talking to your boyfriend about it or it might make the next time more awkward then the first.

So you’re feeling weepy as in “your youth is over :( ” ?

It’s only been a day, give it a little longer and I’m sure you’ll feel fine and want to do even more.

@tedd I dunno if that’s it, I haven’t felt youthful for a very long time.

@Adirondackwannabe No I wouldn’t say so.

Can you say more about how you feel? What images do you see in your mind as you experience these feelings? What thoughts do you think?

@Mariah You gave your boyfriend something you’ve been carrying a lifetime and your last comment makes me wonder if there might be a little guilt in the back of your mind? I’m not judging you in anyway, just commenting that you put that in there.
Edit: Are you from a religious background? (Last comment in the original question to clarify)

I don’t think I feel guilty. I’m not religious, and I truly don’t believe there is anything wrong with being intimate with someone you love.

I’m worrying about a lot of things. I’m worrying because my health problems involve my lady bits. I asked my doctor and he says it’s safe to try, but I’m still worried about provoking further health problems. I’m worried I’m going to lose my boyfriend because I’m not ready to go all the way yet but he really wants to. I’m not so sure that what we did last night really did it for him. He came but it took a really long time. I’m worried I’m going to decide to go all the way out of fear of losing him but that my heart won’t really be in it. I’m worried my heart wasn’t completely in it last night. I wasn’t as excited as I should have been for my first time. I don’t know.

@Mariah In my experience losing my own virginity, and helping a few girls lose theirs over the years… I would guess that this is just emotions from that. It is a pretty emotional thing. Give it a day or two to pass, if it hasn’t by then, then you may want to talk to someone.

EDIT: Also, remember this…. media and movies and friends talk losing your virginity up to being the equivalent of meeting jesus. While it’s nothing to just passively do for whatever reason, it’s not like some great epiphany of life hits you your first time. Almost everyone I’ve talked to is underwhelmed by their first time.

@Mariah And a side note, if your b/f isn’t willing to wait, even given the impression that you are open to sex but on your own schedule, then he isn’t worth your time…. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I dated a girl for a good 8–9 months before having sex for the first time (her first time ever), despite the fact that I had already had many sex-involved relationships. If you care about the person, they’re worth waiting for as long as they want to wait.

@Mariah Your feelings are completely understandable. I think if I’d been through everything you have I’d be holding you while we both cry.

@tedd I’m definitely with you on that. We’ve been together 6 months already so it’s not as though he hasn’t been willing to wait. I know he wouldn’t coerce me into doing anything I don’t want to do. I told him awhile ago that I wasn’t ready yet (mainly because of my health problems) and that I would understand if he wanted to move on to another relationship where he wouldn’t have to deal with all the baggage that comes with me and my stupid body. His response was that he really likes being with me and doesn’t want to move on, but that he wasn’t willing to wait forever. And I couldn’t give him any kind of time frame for how long it will take (my doctor basically just says that it usually takes a very long time to treat what I have going on), so he was feeling a little unsure about that. But I told him I’d be willing to start by trying anything besides going all the way. And so we tried that, but like I said I’m not so sure it really did it for him. I think he still wants to go all the way.

So it’s not that he’s trying to coerce me or being impatient in any way, it’s that I can’t even promise him that it will ever happen, and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship where we can never do that. And I’ve told him I would understand him moving on, and I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t really mean it- I would understand. But I’m not so sure that I truly would rather watch him go than just get over my insecurity and just go all the way. The doctor even said it’d be safe to try, so I’m not sure what my mental block is. I don’t know if it’s something that I should consider irrational and undesirable and try to get over, or if it’s an emotional need of mine that I should be respecting.

@Adirondackwannabe Thanks. It has always been a lot to deal with. This is just another thing I guess.

I think it’s not unusual. For me, I definitely felt weird the days (weeks) after for various reasons. Some of the reasons where:
1) I felt like I had lost parts of my childhood. Like I was now no longer a child, my innocence was gone etc.
2) I was afraid of pregnancy and stuff like that.

The one I did it with was not my boyfriend, so I woud say you’re lucky to have done it with someone that means something to you, but of course only you know if that’s a lucky thing for you.

I can say that all it took for me was time and I am now exactly like I was before.

@Mariah Your health issues, whatever they may be, are the biggest X factor in this. If you want to have sex, and they’re holding you up despite a doctor telling you it’s okay… then I would just tackle that problem. Be it through talking with someone, talking at length with your doctor maybe, or a close friend, or your b/f. If you can get around that then you can go into it and actually enjoy it, and give your b/f what you think he’s desiring. Just don’t do it if you don’t want to, even if it’s for a stupid reason. There’s no point in doing it and not liking it or regretting it.

@tedd I can’t figure out if I want to but I’m just scared (and should try to overcome the fear) or if the fear is making me truly not want to.

Right now I honestly don’t feel like I want to try anything again, and that’s worrying me. But I don’t know if it’s just because I’m all weepy and emotional right now.

Thanks for talking to me, guys.

There is a counseling service on campus that is free, and there’s a woman there I’ve talked to before and I truly like. I’m thinking maybe I should make an appointment.

Without trying to get too deep into your head here, how much of this intimacy was your idea and how much was… I’m looking for a good word here… “insistence”, “pressure”, or the like (I’m not even remotely hinting at “date rape”, but the feeling that he gives, which you picked up, that “you may not be able to keep him if you don’t go all the way”): just ‘regret’.

I sense that you wanted your first time to be more wholehearted than it seems to have been for you with your various interrelated health and relationship concerns. In that sense, it doesn’t seem to me to be the least bit odd that you’d feel as you do.

I didn’t feel that way but whatever you felt is fine, of course. I think our culture puts a lot of emphasis on the FIRST TIME and that’s totally unnecessary.

It is very normal.

@CWOTUS Honestly, if it was all 100% up to me, last night wouldn’t have happened. If it was 100% up to me I don’t know if anything would ever happen. I have a bad habit of letting fear run my life. For that reason, I’m not sure how much weight I should place on my own trepidation in these situations – it’s overinflated and unreasonable.

Does your wish for something never to happen have to do with your the health issues you alluded to above, or with something else?

I think it is a great idea to see the counselor. This is the kind of thing you need to talk about to sort through. It’s hard to talk about in public, although you’ve been amazingly forthcoming. Very brave of you.

I think I’d be fully ready to be with him if it wasn’t for my health problems. I think.

Thanks Wundy. I made an appointment for Monday.

Both the weepiness & your health anxieties (sounds like you might be catastrophizing…which again is completely normal for all you’ve been through) are totally normal & to be expected.

You reached a milestone. Milestones can create extreme anxiety.

You have a boyfriend that cares about you. Don’t shoulder all of this alone. He’s human. He will get it. Talk to a therapist, it may lighten your load more than you can fathom in your current state of mind.

I have not read above answers.

If it just happened give yourself a few days to get over the intense feelings. You may feel better in a day or two. I have no idea how common it is to be weepy. I wasn’t weepy, but I was sort of reflective, and not sure whether to feel different or not. For me it was more like when you turn 21, am I supposed to feel different? Or, when I got married, is today really different than yesterday with my SO? Society puts some pressure on us to feel a certain way about certain milestones and rights of passage, and we ourselves have ideas about what each one will be like.

You have been through a tremendous amount in your young life. Virginity might symbolize many things to you, I don’t know. Do you know? I know you have had to stay with your mom due to illness and recovery, and so it kind of delayed your transition maybe into adulthood and feeling independent. Maybe virginity also symbolizes moving forward? This is some of the hardest years, figuring out what to do when we grow up, moving psychologically and physically away from our family. You have a lot going on at once. Give yourself a break, it’s ok to be emotional. If it continues talk to a counselor maybe.

I am wondering why you feel like you are no longer a virgin if you did not go all the way? Is it because your hymen broke?

So long as a woman doesn’t cry with laughter, then it’s all good.

I’m glad you made an appointment with the counselor. It sounds like there is a jumble of emotion going on, and perhaps they can help you sort it all out. It seems likely that some of what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. But add in your health history, your current stage in the recovery process, and your tendency to be anxious/fearful in general… and it’s probably all a bit complicated! {hugs}

@JLeslie I think my hymen broke during surgery. I’m not sure. But no, I feel that way because virgin is such an arbitrary term (in my eyes) and having a major sexual experience counts in my eyes.

@augustlan Thanks, yeah, I’m glad too. I wish it was sooner but I’m glad I have the appointment set.

Not only did I feel weepy then, the first time after having each of my children sent me right to that weepy feeling.

@Judi (and also @tups, @SpatzieLover and @marinelife, didn’t mean to ignore your replies) – thanks. It’s nice to hear from other women that this isn’t totally out there.

@Mariah I don’t think anyone thinks it is totally out there. :)

Yes, it’s normal. Making love is complex. It’s such a vulnerable act, it’s able to trigger a lot of emotional releases. Allow it to be for what it is… you don’t need to psychoanalyze it or judge it. The first time doesn’t have to be perfect either. You felt what you felt, was as excited or not excited or as emotional as you were. :)

I feel so much better today. I’m not sure what got into me yesterday morning. I think it wasn’t helped by the fact that we were up way too late that night and I had to get up for class in the morning so I was exhausted. Anyway….feeling lots better about things now. Still glad I have that appointment though. Thanks everybody.

@Mariah I’m so happy to hear you feel better. Sometimes emotions just happen in a huge wave, and then everything calms down again.

Hey lady, your body hasn’t been relatively healthy for long. Maybe just take some more time before you try everything. Plus experience with other things teaches you and him a lot.

Guys, I think I’m going to have to break up with him :(

Last night he asked me if I’m ready to go all the way yet. I said probably soon. I said I wanted to get on birth control first. So then he wanted to know how soon that could happen, and I had to tell him that even if it happens right away, it’d be a month or so before it was effective, and I apologized.

It’s really obvious that he is not satisfied with what we have already done. He is convinced that going all the way is just going to be so much more magical. I feel like I’ve already pushed my boundaries, pushing them further just isn’t going to work.

So then he said if I’m worried about pregnancy he would google if it’s safe to have anal sex with someone who doesn’t have a colon, and was asking me if I’d be up for that if he doesn’t find anything about it being unsafe. And I said no, because even if it’s not unsafe I think it would hurt a lot. But here’s the thing, he started being pretty pushy about it. Like after I said it would probably hurt, he said well maybe we could just try and see. I said no again and he seemed to accept that but also seemed like he wanted me to justify it? Like he wouldn’t just accept that I wasn’t comfortable with it, I had to give him a solid reason (which I did, and which he accepted).

I told him again that I completely understand if he’s unhappy about all this, and he admitted he was but that he could “deal with it.” So obviously I wasn’t thrilled about that response and I told him I don’t want him staying with me out of pity or whatever, and he backpedaled a little and said he likes being with me, he feels happy whenever he’s with me, etc., basically the same way I feel about him. But he also said he doesn’t really know how he feels about all these limitations, so I told him to give it some thought for a little while.

After reflecting on that conversation I realized that I’m really, really uncomfortable with how pushy he’s being. Like yeah I understand he wants more than what we’re doing now, but I sort of feel like he’s trying to convince me to change my mind instead of respecting my boundaries? And the way I see it, there are only a few possible scenarios here:

A.) I get past my concerns and somehow actually reach a state of mind where I want to go further with him, and agree to do it out of my own accord (something that I think will take A LOT more time than he’s willing to wait).
B.) I rationalize and rationalize and end up going further with him for all the wrong reasons (wanting to save the relationship, not actually because I want to do it – obviously this would not be a great outcome).
C.) We continue as is, and it’s obvious right now that that is not satisfying enough for him – he probably grows resentful or otherwise unhappy with the relationship.
D.) We break up. Honestly the only scenario that seems at all realistic to me as of right now…

I don’t want to be hasty about this but prior to this bad conversation I had already agreed to get intimate with him again tomorrow night, and now that I have such reservations about our relationship and I know that he has reservations too, I just can’t picture myself being intimate with him while not feelings great about our relationship. So I’m feeling like I need to have a conversation soon, which is too bad…I’d really prefer to wait until after my next appointment with the counselor on Monday, but I don’t think that can happen.

Actually, I was going to talk with him during this hour, but it turns out he had to work, so I didn’t get the chance. It might happen later today though… I’ll keep you updated. And I very very very much welcome any thoughts from my jelly friends on this development.

Well I wouldn’t just dump him in the heat of the moment. But I would spell out for him that it’s your choice and you don’t like that he’s being pushy about it. If he doesn’t want to wait for it then it’s not going to work out between you.

You don’t have to break up with him, especially if you guys like each other. Just stand your ground on what’s important to you, and warn him if he continues to be pushy about it you will break up with him.

@Mariah Don’t feel like you need to answer this, and I am in no way saying you should have sex with him by asking, but why exactly don’t you want to have sex? My second question is, are you horny like crazy around him, but just aren’t ready to “go all the way?” I have absolutely no judgement behind the questions. I don’t think you should have sex with him, or anyone, if you are relucatant. Your body, your temple, you only give it when you are ready. Also, I have a few friends pretty screwed up from anal sex (hemmroids, have had some tearing) some are just fine and love it, but I wouldn’t risk it if I were you, especially if you already feel uncomfortable about trying it. You have enough problems along the digestive tract. Just my opinion, not a medical opinion.

@JLeslie Well like I told him, I want to get on birth control first. I am way too paranoid to go there without taking that step first. But based on his response (switching the conversation to anal and being pretty pushy about it) it seems he’s not even willing to wait the month for that to go to work. And don’t worry, anal is the one thing I know I’m definitely NOT going to concede….I don’t even have a rectum, it just seems like a horrible idea.

@tedd “If he doesn’t want to wait for it then it’s not going to work out between you.” That’s just the thing, it already seems obvious that he doesn’t want to wait, and I’m really tired of being in the state of limbo regarding our relationship, if we’re going to fall apart I just want to get it over with.

@Mariah I agree with you. He sounds like he’s not the one to do this with.

It took a long time for my boyfriend (now husband) to be ready to go all the way. That was fine with me. We had lots of fun leading up to that event.

If someone truly cares for you & about you, there is no pressure.

@Mariah Then I would put it to him point blank. “Are you willing to wait for me, or not?” And hold him to it if he says yes, let him know that if he says yes there is no going back on it and being pushy or whiny if it doesn’t happen for a while longer. If he says no, then you have your answer and you should probably move on.

I can understand wanting to have sex, but patience is worth it if you really love the person. Like I said, I was 24/25, dating an 18 year old virgin. I had already been with over 10 girls.. and as much as it kinda sucked, I had no problem waiting over 9 months before we had sex. It was distance too, I didn’t exactly get any other kind of action very often.

@SpatzieLover Thanks, yeah I’m realizing I’ve been justifying away his pressure even though I’ve honestly been uncomfortable with it this entire time. It got heavy enough last night that it kinda snapped me out of it and made me realize how uncomfortable I am.

@tedd Yeah I’m not planning to just promptly break up with him, I’ve told him I want to have a conversation very soon (he’s swamped till tomorrow, turns out) and if things remain at an impasse then it’s probably time to call it quits. This limbo is just wearing on me…

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I think you’re first time should be because you are full of passion and love and can hardly contain yourself. Doing this because you are feeling pressured is not a great idea. I could be wrong, but I predict that even if you give yourself to this guy, you two probably won’t be together in a year or even a month. Hold out for someone that you are more in sync with. That’s my advice… for what it’s worth.

Good luck, girlie, whatever you decide.

@Mariah The reason I asked if you are horny like crazy with him is basically because of what @Judi wrote. I also think sex usually happens because a person can hardly contain oneself, even when one is nervous about it being the first time. I think this isn’t the guy either. I know it is really very difficult, because at your age the men aren’t generally very patient about sex.

@Judi @Mariah Yah it’s very true. I mean it sounds cheesy “wait til you’re in love and it happens” or whatever… But the girl I’m talking about above, the one where I waited 9 months… we had sex six times in like 40 hours from the time we first did it. It’s way better when it’s passionate like that, especially for your first time.

@Judi @JLeslie Right yeah, I agree definitely, I just wonder if that will ever happen for me? I don’t know if I just have low sex drive or what, but I’m definitely not itching for sexytimes. Not just with him, I’ve never experienced that feeling at all…

Two things:

First, if he was smart, he’d be sensitive to you and wouldn’t push you. If he didn’t push you, I think there’s an excellent chance you would come around to wanting what he wants very quickly. So I think your instinct is right. He doesn’t see you fully enough and I wouldn’t have sex with him.

Second, you may not be a very sexual person. Your body has not treated you kindly and you are protective of it. He doesn’t get this. He sounds pretty young, actually. Immature, I guess.

But your level of desire should match that of your partner’s and if it doesn’t, it can lead to a lot of problems. If his desire is so much more than yours, this is a sign of a mismatch that will create problems in the long term.

You may want to pull back to being friends, if that is possible at this point. Or else, just cut it off. But you could tell him these things first. How it makes you feel that he pushes you the way he has, and how it seems like you have different needs sexually. This is just to educate him and care for him and help him in the future if he ever falls in love with someone else with issues (as he surely will, since we all do have them).

@Mariah Completely understandable with the health problems you have had. You probably kind of shut off the lower part of your body. I went through that with my health problems.

@wundayatta Probably right on all counts, as usual. I do think we would have no trouble staying friends. I know he is still on good terms with his one ex, which is good to know, and I don’t feel resentful or anything. Just wish I were feeling more sure of myself, I was so certain earlier today that breaking up needed to happen, then of course I see him this evening and feel happy around him and want to stay with him again….gah.

@JLeslie You’re probably right…yeesh, I am glad I am seeing a counselor. I don’t need to be abnormal in another way.

@Mariah In my opinion mine was not all psychological, I believe it was physiological also. I think part of my chronic problem affects my sex drive. You have probably seen me write before than Augmentin is my magic pill. Not only does my pain and other negative symptoms go away, my sex drive revs up and everything down there starts working right. It’s very strange. It was a “side affect” of taking the antibiotic I didn’t expect. Did your illness start before puberty?

Gahhh, see I wish I hadn’t gotten ill so young so that I would have a standard of “normal” that I could compare to. I had gotten my period already and everything before I got sick, but I was 14, so I don’t think I had found myself sexually at all. And all that stuff…it was so on the back burner for me in high school. I didn’t care about sex. I was trying to stay alive.

I definitely know that my sex drive fell to zero during flare ups, I imagine the steroids played a part in that too though.

I remember becoming aware of how “different” I was during my senior year of high school, when I mentioned in passing while telling a story about meeting a guy that he was “attractive,” and the people I was talking to as well as some people sitting several feet away made a fuss, awestruck and scandalized that I had so much as commented on somebody being attractive. I didn’t realize until that moment that everyone viewed me as so Puritanical…but in hindsight, yeah, I guess it was very rare that I would mention anything to do with attraction or sex or what have you.

Tomorrow is going to be a wildly busy day, but I’m going to try to have a serious talk with him. I’m not so convinced anymore this evening that this talk needs to lead to breaking up. Depending on how it goes, I may go through with some intimacy like we had planned (not going all the way) because the thought of that isn’t so unappealing anymore? Not right now anyway. I’m flip flopping like crazy over here.

@Mariah Just a suggestion, but I am no shrink, I think getting turned on by yourself could be helpful. If you don’t typically feel aroused in general, don’t feel compelled to masturbate, I think it would be pretty difficult to be having first experiences with someone. I’m just assuming from what you wrote above you don’t masterbate much. I “lost my virginity” by myself way before with someone else. Having sex was only a decision whether to let a guy in there, but I knew I really really desperately wanted something in there when I was so turned on. Some women aren’t as keen on penetration, they prefer oral sex to intercourse, and other things.

I do think you are at a disadvantage not having the chance to have a regular sexual progression in your teens, but I don’t think all is lost by a long shot.

If I think back to when I was 14 and just started fooling around, making out, no sex, each new thing was kind of like trying to figure out if I liked it or not, and not a turn on straight off the bat. The first time a guy played with my breasts I was not crawling up the wall horny from it. It was more like outside of myself thinking, “oh my God I am getting to second base.” By the time I got to third base, I had already been masterbating, and my hymen was broken long long ago, and even though it felt good, it still was a, wow I am letting this guy do this, moment.

So I have good news, I think.

We had a talk on Friday evening, and I think we each understand the other’s point of view much better now. I explained my worries about my health and his reaction was basically to say that he understands that my concerns are making this difficult for me, but that he doesn’t fully understand my concerns. He thinks they’re a little over the top. Which they are. I talked about a lot of what I’ve been through in the past to show him why my head is where it is. We’re both glad I’m getting therapy.

As for his viewpoint, I understand it a bit better now too. He didn’t fully understand that preventing pregnancy isn’t my only major concern here. I get why he was unclear on that, since I did say I might be ready to go all the way after getting on birth control. So I guess when he was thinking that, he thought of anal and got all excited because he thought he had found a solution to our problem. So when I shot that down he couldn’t really understand why, hence why he kept probing me about it. I did tell him how uncomfortable that made me.

Neither of us wants to break up but we both recognize that the possibility is there if this can’t get resolved in a satisfactory way. He says he loves me and is willing to wait a month for me to get on birth control but if getting my head sorted out is going to take forever (and I can’t promise him that it won’t, unfortunately; neither of us are happy about that) he doesn’t really want to wait around for that.

We figured out the next step, which is that I will email my doctor and ask for an explanation in no uncertain terms what exactly the risks are with intimacy with my problems. I can make a safe bet as to how I will feel about the response – if there are significant, serious risks, even if they’re unlikely to actually happen, that’s going to put an end to entertaining any thoughts, I think. I have been that 1% who gets the rare but serious side effect way too many times. If he says it’s truly quite safe, I’m going to feel reassured. If he says there are some mild risks then I know I will be concerned, but I will continue therapy to try and get through that. I can’t live my life so scared of mild risks forever.

I felt really good after talking to him, really cared for and glad to have a plan. We went through with the fooling around we had planned, and it was much more enjoyable for me than last time. No tears in the morning.

The only thing that’s put a damper on it is I’m having some slight pain now, I can’t decide if it’s just me being my usual hypochondriac self or if I might be getting an infection, I applied some triple antibiotic ointment and that seems to have helped a bit, but obviously this is just fueling my paranoia. Whereas the other night I was feeling very hopeful that we would stay together, with this new development I have started doubting everything again. We’ll see. I’ll be keeping a close eye on it, of course.

So I haven’t been visiting this thread because I’m not really feeling the need for more advice on this subject, but since you were all so kind to me I feel you deserve an update! This story has a happy ending and I’m so, so glad I didn’t do anything impulsive. It was really tempting to just run from this because it was difficult. I need to keep reminding myself that some difficult things are worth doing.

The first bit of good news is that my doctor did a thorough job researching my question, even consulted a surgeon friend of his, and essentially replied “no, really, you can do that. It’s safe.” That’s really not what I was expecting and it was heartening news.

The other part of it is that I have begun to enjoy the intimacy, I guess there were just some initial nerves that I needed to get through. And I feel confident now when I say I love him. I am in love with him. I thought that would never happen to me, for some reason.

I think I’m happier right now than I’ve ever been.

Yay! Thanks for the happy update. :)

Congratulations, @Mariah!