How would you treat a son-in-law who acts like you've died?

I think the problems he has – and it seems evident that he has some – are his own, and you are internalizing and personalizing what may be extreme social disorders, phobias and other problems of his and making them “about you”. I doubt that they are “about you”, and I also doubt that anyone can convince you of that.

^^^^^ You’re right ! No one could convince me he has social disorders or phobias! And yes, I’m positive it’s all about us! Wow.

How would I treat him? I’d either ignore him and let it go or confront him and clear the air. I don’t have the patience for dealing with that kind of passive-aggressive bullshit. What should you do? Whatever you think is right, generally I’d say treat others as you wish to be treated. Regardless, how others act shouldn’t be the basis for how you choose to act or your state of mind.

Some time you don’t some family members but have you have to tolerate them as best as possible. Have you ever thought about having a big sit down talk with him, your daughter, your husband and yourself to try to work out what ever issues you have with each other. There may have been something that said or done that you may not even remember saying or doing to him personally to get his dander up like this other than your husband being upset their son was in front of the tv. It could be so minor that a little talking would solve.

I mean if you start out with all his positives you mentioned above in regards to being smart a good provider and such then move on to the issue at hand it might go along way.

We used to send my kids to my parents for vacations, but gradually it became clear the kids weren’t enjoying this. It turned out that my parents were treating my kids the way they treated me. They were shaming my son for the stupidest things. They called him the same names they called me.

So we stopped sending them.

Did they ever ask us why? Nope. Maybe if they had wanted to, they could have engaged us in a discussion where we told them we didn’t like their behavior and if they changed, they could have had the kids more. But they never asked. I don’t know why. Maybe they didn’t even notice they didn’t get to have them. Or maybe it was pride. Whatever. Their loss. They don’t get to see the kids unless we are there, too, to make sure they don’t hurt the kids.

The only person who knows why he behaves as he does towards you is your SIL. You can ask us all you want, and I could tell you what my theory is, but it doesn’t matter. I might be right or wrong. You have to talk to your SIL if you are going to find out what you want to know, and you have to listen to him and not be defensive. I.e., you don’t get to say, “I’m going to stop giving you Christmas presents if you don’t shape up.”

But it’s up to you. You don’t have to find out. You can go on as you are and nothing will change. Or you can ask him questions and actually listen to him without defending yourself and see if you can find out anything that will help you improve the relationship. Based on my experience with people, most people would rather never talk about what really matters than risk losing their pride with the tacit admission they had done something wrong.

Funny thing. I’ve found that sometimes, if I don’t defend myself, people will notice and start defending me for me. Just listening is enough. But this is family stuff. That’s the hardest stuff to deal with.

You seem to have so many family issues around all your family members. Have you ever gone for therapy to figure out what you can and can’t change?

I can only go on the information you have given, and if it were me. If it were me, because I am a pig headed stubborn person, I would chat to my daughter to clarify exactly why he couldn’t stand me. Then I would say that family is important to me and try and bridge the gap. If it didn’t work I’d get rid of out. Entirely. I don’t have room for weird people who upset my peace and quiet. Nor chew at me, or think I am dead. I would rather buy gifts and lavish love on the people who appreciate me. Family or no family.

Sometimes, people don’t like us. We have no idea why unless we ask. We can’t change the situation unless we are willing to change ourselves. Otherwise, we get over it and move on with our lives. If you don’t want to give him Christmas presents, don’t. A gift should be freely given, with love.

Be happy that your daughter is happy.

Haunt the fucker, for shits & giggles.

First of all, I would make sure he has no decision making about you or your husband. You need to spell that out in any power of attorney or medical directives. Consult a lawyer about it. And if your daughter is completely dominated by him, you may need to have someone else handle end of life decisions for you and your husband.

Secondly, it sounds like your daughter and he have a marriage in name only. His thought of her “as giving money to a total loser who is worthless and he works very hard for his money and has since he was fifteen.” is kind of way off track for a married couple. He is providing for his family, not “giving money to a loser”. You can talk to her about divorcing him, he isn’t there anyway.

Cut him out of your will completely so he never controls any money you leave. If you are concerned about your daughters ability to manage finances, put it in trust for her and your grandson, so your grandson will benefit.

Again, talk to an estate and trust attorney.

@zenvelo I believe @Aster was referring to her other daughter (the one they’ve given money to, etc.), not his wife.

What I would do is not necessarily what someone else would do. I would ask my daughter what’s up with him, and tell her you’d like an honest answer. Then I would probably continue giving him Christmas presents and inviting him over, and let him not come. Fuck him. I would also make sure that he will not ever have any say so in your future as far as if you ever at the point where a decision has to be made on your behalf, such as putting you in a nursing home, you don’t want him to have any say so about it.

Thanks @augustlan I didn’t catch that fine point. Still, I don’t think he should even have an opinion on a parent helping out another child. He’s not giving it to her.

The rest of my answer stands.

What @zenvelo and @jca said. Make sure he has no say or influence on what happens to you later, address that now. And, if it were me, I would ignore him. I would treat my daughter as I always have and your grandchildren. I would behave as if he didn’t exist, and not worry about it.

As long as your daughter is married to him, you should continue to buy him gifts and be civil to him for her sake.

To somewhat qualify @marinelife‘s excellent (as usual) advice, I would say “treat him with the same respect and courtesy and consideration” as every other member of the family. That is, extend the invitation, and don’t be surprised (or take it so personally) when it is turned down.

He is very smart and very strong in many ways and I almost fear him and what he could do to me when I’m old. Even lectures from him would be unbearable; I got one years ago and he spoke as if he knew everything.

I don’t understand what “I almost fear him” means. Are you really afraid that he will harm you? That moves this discussion beyond giving him gifts and treating him civilly.

What kind of power have you given him to keep you in thrall to a single lecture he gave you years ago?

Family politics are always a touchy subject. But with any conflict between adults – regardless of the relationship – the best resolution begins by behaving like adults: sit down together, calmly and rationally discuss concerns, and be open to hearing the others’ views, even though they might not be what we want to hear. If others act childish or lose their composure, it is up to us to maintain our own, and to lead by example. Remember that this will impact your grandkids for better or worse, so being a role model to your daughter and grandchildren is important.

In my family, we have many different personalities so my defense was always to be polite and keep my mouth shut.

THAT BEING SAID, if anyone disrespects you in your own home, it’s unacceptable. Frankly it’s rude and unfathomable for your daughter to allow it to continue as well. I would never make a life with a man who disrespected my mom – ever, so what’s that about? Does she have a problem with you as well?

I’d say clear the air and let your feelings out. Then either things will clear up and he’ll act like a mature individual and be a good example to the children about how to treat people, or he’ll stay away and so will your daughter.

Either way, you should have peace, you didn’t do anything wrong right?!

@KNOWITALL he does not disrespect me in my home. He doesn’t show up. He has always been one who allegedly works seven days per week which is mostly true but not totally true. If I ask my daughter “will he be here?” she says, “he has to work.” No; I have not done anything wrong. I spoke nicely to him the six times we’ve spoken in ten years and buy and wrap gifts for him. I say nice things about him to my daughter. As I said before, though, my husband did say he was wanting to attract attention by playing with his football in front of the tv screen. He never replied to my h but did tell his son to move. He has , however, replied a couple of times to things my daughter said and she yelled at him , ‘you disrespected my mother.” I couldn’t hear what he said. Something else that happened I just recalled was one time we parked our small RV behind their house and their son removed some things or took them out of a compartment on the side of the RV. My husband told B about this immediately and B gave him a very hard spanking. After that things went downhill quickly .
I also want to say B has little contact with his mother or father involving business deals and feeling they took advantage of him in the distant past and recently. They gave or paid one of his three brothers a lot of money , six figures, and at last count B wasn’t speaking to that brother at all.

So she likes an obese guy who works all the time and drinks beer that she doesn’t approve of and who is not forming a relationship with her mom because he earns a lot of money?

But he’s smart and strong and you could be afraid of him. (Which is not cool btw! If my mom was afraid of anyone I cared about I would find that intolerable!)

Honey, you need to think of a different solution for your old age and not rely on them. It seems really off somehow. I really think you guys should sit down and talk about some of your feelings…perhaps there’s a misunderstanding somewhere.

You could say “B—, I wondered after all this time if you might want to meet me for lunch next week, I’ll buy” and see what happens. You guys need to get on the same page. Or you can ask your daughter what the problem really is, does he not like you, has she told him something that made him hate your guts or ???

Yes, she loves the guy she married who was not a pound overweight at the time. He did drink beer then , and smoked. She got him to stop smoking and got him to have a lung biopsy which was benign but she could not stop the beer drinking. She isn’t too crazy about the hours he works but feels powerless to stop him and she and her kids do benefit greatly from the checks he mails home. She also admires things about him greatly like the generosity he demonstrates with his workmen that are having a hard time and with others. When I said I was afraid of him I shouldn’t have said it. I did not mean that he’d be physically abusive. I can imagine him making unpleasant remarks to me or near me. He would never consider meeting me for lunch. First, he lives over one hundred miles away and, secondly, he wants nothing to do with me. I am considering asking my daughter why she said, “when B doesn’t like somebody he will have nothing to do with them ever.” It is possible, but not probable, that he resents the fact that he didn’t go to college while my husband has a degree, I went to college, and my husband’s sons both have Masters degrees. He may think we look down on him for this but we do not. He’s very smart and proud.

Hmmm, maybe you could do special ‘holiday’ cards this year and tell each person what you like about them and make his extra special. If he is not receptive, though, you may have to leave it where it’s at. A relationship needs more than one person working on it.

^^^^^ good point.