Would you want to know/what would you do?

Dear fellow flutherites, I’ve been losing sleep over the following issue and I really need some help figuring out what to do, so I thought I’d reach out to the collective for some insight. I’ll do my best to make a very long story somewhat short.

Last year while doing a year-long internship I met a guy with whom I became good friends. We had lots of chemistry and, skip forward 8 months later to January, we finally acknowledged our feelings for each other. We dated long-distance because my internship ended before his and I had to return home. Everything was amazing and I visited him several times. He was my first serious relationship and the first time I fell seriously in love. Fast forward again to June/July when I found out that he was married back in his home country. Somehow I’d always had a feeling that something was off about him, but I could never put my finger on it. I broke things off with him even though it was devastating (at the time I was sure he was the love of my life). After much denial that he’d ever been married, he then changed his tune when I told him I was staring at a picture of him in a wedding tuxedo next to a woman in a wedding dress and promised me that it had been a “mistake” from his past and that he’d gotten divorced before coming to the US for the internship. I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and we tried to give things another try, but the damage had already been done and I just couldn’t trust him anymore (oh, and I found out that he was married through a wedding picture on one of his friends’ Facebook pages, not even from him). Eventually I broke things off again and cut off contact with him (he was in FL and I in NYC so it was somewhat easy to not contact him). He told me that, even though I’d broken things off, he would always love me.

Then, about 1.5 months ago, I moved back to FL but didn’t want to tell him because I was completely over him and had no intentions of getting back together. Eventually he found out through one of our mutual friends and he got back in touch with me. I believe in “forgive and forget” and had no resentment towards him, and so we got back in touch as friends only (again, I have zero feelings left for him, though I know he still likes me). He calls me at least once a week to see how I’m doing and he’s hinted several times that we should meet up, but I always change the subject.

Well, 2 days ago I found out that his wife is now here working at the same place where we met (they come to work as cultural representatives for their countries in a year-long program, but he got a visa to stay in the country after his program ended). Earlier that day he had called me to see how I was doing and after we hung up I had this weird nagging feeling, the same feeling I had a few months earlier that drove me to dig deep and find out that he was married, that something just wasn’t right. I did some research and looked at the company’s roster and lo and behold, who do I find? The wife! And whose last name does she have? His very own! A little more Facebook research turned up some very interesting information: she has been in the US for at least a month now and has a son back home who just turned 1 and I have a strong feeling it’s his son (he once told me that, out of all his friends, he’s the only one who’s not married and doesn’t have kids!!)

Although I have no feelings for him, I’ve been really pissed off (pardon my language) that he would pull such a stunt and actually get away with it! I’m not one to do things out of spite and I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again, not even as friends, but my friends keep telling me that I should inform his wife of his infidelity because, knowing me as well as they do, they know I would want to be afforded the same courtesy if I were in her position. I don’t know what to do because half of me wants to distance myself from this situation as far as possible and never deal with him ever again, but the other half (my conscience) keeps telling me that I need to do the right thing and inform her. I’m just so confused!! I wouldn’t even know how to go about telling her or where to begin…and keep in mind that he still doesn’t know that I know all of this.

I know that, ultimately, the choice is mine, but I’d really appreciate some help putting things into perspective to help me pick the best course of action.

If you were the spouse being cheated on, would you want to know? How would you want to find out? From the adulterer or from the “other person.” And if you were in my situation, what do you think you would do??

Thank you for reading this far…I know it’s a long post, but I really need some help with this!!