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Jimbo87's avatar

To confront her? Or not to confront her?

Asked by Jimbo87 (7points) November 13th, 2012

I recently found out that my girlfriend has been lying about one of her past relationships or hook ups (not sure how she classifies it). She had a pregnancy scare before I met her, and send an email to a guy telling him that she “knew it was his,” if she was pregnant and not some other guy whom she’d also had sex with in that month I guess. I asked her about it she swore she never slept with him, and never even saw him naked and he never saw her naked. A while ago I found out in a chat session with that guy the two of them were talking about an intimate session between them, not in great detail but things like “i was just focused on making you cum” and “i am a big boy if you remember ;-)” etc. I’ve asked her about the details of this relationship before and she swears that nothing ever happened. Should I confront her with this new information or not?

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15 Answers

digitalimpression's avatar

Ugh. Sounds sketchy at best.. but no one can be a judge of her character any better than the one who spends all the time with her. People are tricky to figure out. Personally I’d be very wary of continuing your relationship with this person.. (this is only based on the facts you have presented).

I don’t really have any good advice for you.. but I’ve been lied to like this before. Women have a potential evil inside of them that rivals satan himself. xD (then again, so do men)

dabbler's avatar

There is little genuine value to knowing much about past relationships unless they are still in some way still active.
When she didn’t know you as well the subject of someone else may have come up, and because she didn’t know you as well she might have… lied about it. That is very common.
If the same person comes up again in conversation now she feels she has to continue the lie or come clean about the past. If you’re badgering her for information she is much more likely to take the former approach.

Don’t let jealousy consume you. Your partner’s past relationships are part of what make her who she is today. If she’s loyal to you, that’s really what’s important.

JLeslie's avatar

I would confront her. I would focus on asking why she lied. However, If you are focused on who she has had sex with in general, always quizzing her on these things, I think that is a waste of time. You don’t need to know everyone she had sex with.

wundayatta's avatar

Ask yourself how you would react if she told you all the torrid details? Would your relationship continue? Ask yourself how you would feel if she kept on denying it. Would you feel comfortable trusting her?

From the tone of your question, I don’t see much hope. It feels like you might be a fairly judgmental kind of guy and if so, perhaps you are looking for an excuse to end it.

If she is prevaricating about her past, you have to wonder why. Is she afraid of how you’ll react? Why? Is she ashamed? Why?

I have found it is best not to judge others. Their past is their past. What matters is how they relate to me. People do change and they change especially when relating to different people. Of course, she could be choosing men who will judge her because she feels bad about her past and she wants to be made to feel bad.

My suspicion is that she is not the woman for you, nor are you the man for her. But I could be wrong. You could both learn and grow. Learn that the past really isn’t relevant. Grow to become more open, communicative people. I hope you do. If not for this relationship, than for future ones.

Mariah's avatar

Umm something’s wrong here. I’m guessing you didn’t just happen upon these emails and chat sessions. You’re snooping, so you obviously don’t trust her. Not that she’s given you reason to trust her. This whole relationship sounds kinda fucked to me, to be honest.

Confront her, but keep in mind that you’re going to have to defend your snooping too.

Coloma's avatar

Bottom line, her past sexual history is not your business. I agree that the lying is not good, but…OTOH, neither is snooping and feeling that you are entitled to know all the details of a persons past relationships. You both sound immature and lying and snooping are the cookies and milk of dysfunctional relationships. Anyone that knows me even slightly around these here parts knows that I take a firm stand against deceptive and dishonest behaviors….however, if you were prying into areas she was uncomfortable with sharing she may have felt forced to lie to evade your interogations.

The whole thing sounds messy and not worth the trouble if you ask me.

marinelife's avatar

Yes, confront her. You need to know if she is lying.

josie's avatar

Why bother. She will deny it, you will be suspicious. Then what?

The whole thing sounds sort of creepy-you checking out emails, her sending the emails to another guy…

I don’t think you two are good for each other.

SpatzieLover's avatar

IMO, Not to confront her. Why? Your relationship with her already has communication & trust issues.

She didn’t tell you details. Why?

You went looking for details? Why?

Who cares what the answers to those questions are.
The reason you are asking this question is because you already suspect her of not being open & honest with you. <—That is the answer to your question.

sinscriven's avatar

She’s probably lying, and you’re definitely snooping.
Communications have completely broken down because of mistrust and deceit.
I don’t think talking this out will do much good, the seeds of doubt are planted.

Shippy's avatar

No, the past is the past. If I had a boyfriend like you, I’d run a mile. And no, I am not being horrid. Really people have boundaries, and privacy, regards their past. Lean them.

robotmonkeyarm's avatar

Your gut was telling you something was up with your girlfriend, you went with it, and found something fishy.

Confront her.

p.s. I don’t believe anyone should have doubt in their relationships. There’s a reason you were suspicious of her, and the things you’ve found are backing your suspicions. If she’s a loyal and honest girlfriend, she’ll reassure you & and explain herself. Your gut led you here, so let it lead you out – if you feel she’s lying when you confront her about it, drop her, don’t let love cloud your judgement here.

Go with your gut man.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Well, the past is the past and so it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that this girl seems to have been prolifically sexually active before she met you, and you have to decide if that is something you can live with. Also, sounds like she lies a lot, and is still in contact with a few of her previous lovers. You would have to be able to live with that, too.

If you were my son, I would strongly encourage you to find someone else.

BosM's avatar

You two need to decide what is in and out of bounds as it relates to your past. That being said, always remember, we learn from our past, live in the present, and build for the future. Our experiences help define who we are, if you love who she is then build on that. Insist on honesty in your relationship, as without it there is no trust. Good luck.

Jimbo87's avatar

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I think I’m going to let things be, but be on my guard for if the lying becomes a real habit. She and I have been dating for over 2 years now. Things had been going ok, then something with her changed about 6 months ago, and made me start to be suspicious and start to investigate. Not the proudest moment of my life, but people do crazy things when they are in love. I’ll keep an eye out for things, and hopefully all will end well

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