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Shippy's avatar

I need some advice on this situation?

Asked by Shippy (9870points) November 30th, 2012

I said advice, but I probably mean input. No one can truly advise another, but sometimes, an idea can change a lot.

My sons father has passed away. My son is old enough to be completely self supporting. It is a great blow to him, as his dad was everything, and more. Plus, he supported my son financially. So the loss if huge. Dad was larger than life! My son idolized him.

I have planned prior to this, to move overseas. Due to huge issues I am having on a personal level. The first thing my son said is “You can’t go”.

I wont go until he is settled. So will of course postpone my leaving date which was to January 29th. How can I reassure my son? How can I make sure he knows he is not alone, despite my physical move? I love him with all my heart. I don’t want to cause him anymore distress. But I have to go, I don’t have any choice, due to a lot of factors. This is really tough. So any thoughts, ideas so on, appreciated. (He is engaged to a lovely lady by the way, which I am so grateful for). I will also of course be heartbroken “leaving” him. (He is 30).

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16 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

It’s hard, but you need to tell your son you have your own life to live, and he has his. Your presence will not help him grow up any more than it has already, he is way too old to be dependent on his mom being nearby.

And I can see your staying past the end of January, since he is grieving, (although it’s not something I would do, that is two months from now) but I would not extend it more than 60 days.

When you talk to him, ask him why he feels so dependent on you. He has a fiance to help him, that’s what having a partner is all about.

Good luck on this. The conversation will not be easy, but you know what to do, since you are asking here on Fluther.

bookish1's avatar

Good for you for bringing this question to Fluther instead of suffering in silence. My first thought was that your son was speaking out of grief. He said “Don’t go” a few days after he lost his father, and now he’s anticipating “losing” his mother as well. @zenvelo has a good idea, for you to ask your son directly why he feels he needs you. If he supports himself and he is getting married, that means he is old enough to not really have any weight on your life decisions… right?

You will be sacrificing your dream, your way out, your happiness I daresay, if you stay. Your son is in mourning right now, but eventually he needs to realize that he has his life to look forward to, and you have yours.

Hugs, @Shippy.

LuckyGuy's avatar

If you want to go, you should go. You are responsible for your own happiness.

If you support him now will he support you years from now when you are in need?

Shippy's avatar

@LuckyGuy My son has a heart of gold but no he couldn’t. He even said he would, but I know the reality of this. I would rather not, become a burden to my son. I kind of lost 10 years of my life looking after certain people. So that haunts me. Thank you LuckyGuy for your input :)

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Shippy I intentionally posed my comment as a question so you would think about it. You got my point. ;)

KNOWITALL's avatar

Since my mom and I are pretty close and we lean on each other a lot, I understand. I think at age 30 and with a lovely woman by his side, he can get through this with you overseas. He may be shaken and sad for awhile, but you’re only a phone call or plane ticket away.

There comes a time when a person needs to be liberated from old habits, and leaning on you or his father in regards to financial issues in any way, while contemplating marriage, is not healthy. Growing up is never fun and life is not fair, but it is what it is.

Thinking of you and sending positive vibes.

Shippy's avatar

@KNOWITALL Thank you, I had that thought too, it’s now time for him to shine. Sometimes, a parent can be so idolized or so big, that you fall under their shadow in a way. I know, when the grief has settled a little. He will go on to do great things. I also realized as I wrote this, the pain is in me, in my heart. Leaving him, and that plane taking off might be the most traumatic part yet to come.

marinelife's avatar

Wait a little while, then gently tell him in a one-on-one meeting that you have to go. That the two of you could visit each other or that he could consider moving to your new country with you.

KNOWITALL's avatar

And remember, Skype is a wonderful thing, you’ll never be too far apart to see each other and talk. Bless your heart, like John Lennon says, being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I’m sorry for your loss.

trailsillustrated's avatar

Can you take your son with? what a hard thing!! I know your son is grown but I don’t know if I could do it Wait three months. If he can get through the most difficult phase, maybe it’ll be settled enough for you to leave. Oh- what a drag I know how much you want to go. My thoughts are with you.

Shippy's avatar

@trailsillustrated Yes I have told him, if anything happens he is to come to me, I don’t care if he is dependent on me for life. I just want him OK. @KNOWITALL yes thank goodness for Skype :) . He’s very quiet at the moment. (He lives an hour away). I am trying to stop phoning him :)

augustlan's avatar

As his grief settles, he may come to the realization that you need to go on his own. He’s very raw right now, understandably. I’d wait a few weeks or so, and then talk with him about it again…see where his feelings are at that point. If he still feels you shouldn’t go, that’s when you’ll need to be loving but firm. If you feel you must, delay your departure date but not by too much. The longer you stay, the harder it may be to go.

I’m sorry for your loss, @Shippy.

newtscamander's avatar

First of all, sorry for your, and your son’s, loss.
It may seem as if you’re leaving him alone to him at the time, but in a few months, or in retrospect once you’ve already been away for a while, he will see that you left him in hands that are deemed capable by you and he will gain independence.
This new independence might feel like too much for him at first, but he will be proud that he let you do what you need to do and that he got through hard times without you. Possibly, it will be an opportunity for him and his wife-to-be to bond further, of which their time together is bound to profit.
Don’t beat yourself up about this, everything will be fine.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Dear @Shippy

I know why you have to leave. You really must take care of yourself. Believe it or not, by taking care of yourself, you’re helping your son. You can’t assist him even from overseas, if you are not well.

It’s merely a suggestion, but I would continue with the January 29th departure date. He has his grief to get through, and you have your health to consider. Neither can help the other by remaining stuck.


flutherother's avatar

It is difficult, and postponing things might be a good idea as it takes time for the pain of bereavement to subside though it never goes entirely. It would be good for your son if you can help see him through this. I don’t think you should cancel your plans completely. You seem to have your heart set on leaving and if you stayed your son would begin to feel guilty. He is grown up now and can stand on his own two feet.

The world isn’t so big nowadays. There is email, phones, Skype and aeroplanes. You can visit him and he can perhaps visit you. He won’t be so very far away.

adventskalender's avatar

i think you gave him a lot time and support, yet one day he has to move out and take care of things and decision. you can’t remain always with him. So its more important that you take decision to move out let him be responsible person. let him take his decision. You had your own life to deal; as its been long since you alone and guiding him. Parents can guide kids can’t force their decision on them. So in my opinion you should move ahead in life. After all where ever you go he will remain your kid.

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