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Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

Help with relationship issue?

Asked by Vincent_Lloyd (3007points) December 2nd, 2012

Main topic of this issue mainly applies to lying. When I think about something, I find that it’s best to not tell, since I find that if I tell it’ll hurt (of course until one has found out then it hurts more…) the person you tell it too. Mainly applying to the one that’s in the relationship with you. I know that you should tell your S.O what you did, so you can be the honorable, trustworthy person you are…Well…I don’t know what the hell my issue is! I have lied to my S.O too many times, and it’s making her feel like one I don’t care, two I am a liar (I don’t want to be labeled that personally since I try my best not to be, even with the small things..) and three that I am untrustworthy (I think I am… but not in a narcissistic way.) I keep screwing up with this very small, but deadly thing. I don’t like to lie that much… and I wish I didn’t have to, but with the mentality I have I end up lying and I really. REALLY Don’t want to…Yet I tend to do it again..And again, and quiet frankly it’s very. Bothersome, to me emotionally and physically and to my relationship. What can I do! I know from experience with talking with a few other guys they seem to have the same mentality as me. (I lie since I want to protect you not hurt you.) Please, does this happen with the other guys that are out there? What to do… I really need advice.

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18 Answers

jordym84's avatar

Not that there should ever be any excuses for lying, but for the purposes of this question, what sorts of things do you lie about? Is it little white lies to protect your SO’s ego (i.e. no honey, those pants don’t make you look fat)? Or more serious lies (i.e. no, I didn’t cheat on you – when in reality you did)? Or are you lying about your feelings for your SO?

Coloma's avatar

Get some therapy.
Compulsive lying is a BIG problem and it will ruin your relationships.
Do you lie to avoid confrontations, to sugar coat unsavory behaviors, to promote yourself, or to get attention?
No offense intended,but, if you were my boyfriend I’d drop you like a hot potato.

Lying destroys intimacy and trust and it really doesn’t matter how big or small the lies.
Once you have a reputation as a liar it is very hard to change that.
A qualified therapist can help you untangle the whys of your lying habit.

JLeslie's avatar

I also need to know what lies you are telling to give better feedback.

I will say this to start though, your mouth might be lying, but everything about you must be giving away the truth, that is probably why you get caught. You aren’t fooling anyone by lying. Men like to think they are covering something well, but they suck at it generally.

Are you lying to not hurt your SO’s feelings? Or, lying because she won’t like what you are doing, and you think she should not be upset about it so you keep it from her? Like having lunch with another girl, even though there is absolutely no chance of romance/sex, or are you not telling your SO she looks fat in those jeans? Again, what lies are we talking about?

Being completey honest in a relationship is awesome. Nothing makes two people feel more bonded than completely trusting each other and having the feeling of being fully supported by each other.

Did you have to lie a lot as a child? Did you see your dad do it to your mother?

glacial's avatar

You are lying about cheating? No, that’s not ok. Respect your girlfriend enough to let her make an informed decision about who she wants to be with. What’s that? You think she won’t want to be with you if you tell her you cheated? Huh, maybe there’s a good reason for that. Think about it.

And… how old are you?

JLeslie's avatar

@glacial Did he say he was cheating? Did I miss it? I thought we don’t know what the lies are.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

@glacial I am not cheating, I did, and deeply regretted it.

bookish1's avatar

I’m not sure this is a relationship problem…
You begin by talking about what sounds like lies of omission, keeping the truth to oneself when you think it will hurt someone else.
But then you say that you have lied to your girlfriend too many times, and she knows about it and feels that you are untrustworthy.
You don’t like to think of yourself as a liar, because you feel you are trustworthy, but you feel compelled to lie and can’t stop.
What are you lying about? Why do you feel that it’s the best or safest thing to do, if you keep getting called out and it is affecting you and your relationship?
Just because you have heard that other guys have this same “mentality” as you call it, does not mean that this is a moral or mature course of behavior.

glacial's avatar

@JLeslie Not too many lines to read between in this question… and now he has confirmed it. Just sayin’.

marinelife's avatar

First, you need to stop lying to yourself. It is you that you are trying to protect with your lies not her.

Every time you lie, she has less reason to trust you. Clearly, your lies are not working since she is finding out the truth.

What all are you lying about? How can there be so many lies?

You will never keep her if you keep on lying, Consider getting professional help (a therapist).

CWOTUS's avatar

Lying is somewhat understandable, and we do it for a lot of reasons. Your description is not very well written, which kind of leads into one of the main reasons for lying: It’s sometimes much easier than describing a difficult truth; just make up an easy lie. So in that case it’s an intellectual difficulty. And even though I’m pretty intelligent and normally well-spoken, I’m guilty of that myself from time to time.

Another reason can be lack of courage. Really. It’s easier to say “I agree”, when you don’t, or “I will”, if you have no intention to do a thing but don’t want to start a fight, and other cases where you’re afraid of confrontation.

Related to that and sometimes overlapping sometimes is the wish to save face and not admit one’s failings: “No, I wasn’t at the bar,” and “No, honey, I never look at porn,” for example. Of course, the prime example of this is, “No, I’m not wrong.”

So. You can get smarter (and you won’t believe how easy it is to be smart if you’re willing to view, recognize and admit to facts, even when you don’t always like them) and start to improve your ability to explain things that are still true, but maybe with better diplomacy: “Honey, I wouldn’t say that you look ‘fat’ in those jeans, but with your legs you look better in the skirt.”

You can get braver – about yourself, about your relationship, and about life in general – by just saying the things that you believe, that you want, and that you have done, and just take the consequences.

And you can get less defensive about being “wrong” or changing your mind about things. “You know, hon, you were right. I did take a wrong turn because I made a mistake. I was distracted by that girl in the bikini. Man, she was hot!”

Well, there’s honesty and there’s honesty. Sometimes, yeah, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

But if you say what you have done and what you have felt and thought, then you can only be blamed for doing, feeling, thinking and saying the things that you actually do, and not for all kinds of other things as well as those things, and you won’t be blamed for lying about all of it on top of that.

Just tell the truth. You’ll still be wrong lots of times! But you’ll only be wrong for those things, and that’s less than you’re blamed for now, I’d bet.

gailcalled's avatar

@glacial: “I’m a a 15 year old Boy that live in CA and in Oceanside.”

Coloma's avatar

Seriously heed us wise peeps, I don’t give liars a second chance and most people don’t either.

@glacial Gail is lying. She is really a cat named Milo.

gailcalled's avatar

@Coloma: Sorry.That was a quote from @Vincent Lloyd’s profile.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

I think there’s a big difference between lying and fibbing. A lie is a deceit that either harms another person or benefits oneself unfairly. A fib harms nobody and, in fact, might even be an act of kindness. So, which type of untruth is most prevalent in your life?

Do you lie to your girlfriend about having sex outside of your relationship (assuming that your relationship is committed and exclusive)? Do you steal money from her and then tell her that you didn’t do so? Do you drive under the influence while telling her that you’re stone-cold sober?

Or, when she’s in tears about a dreadful, unflattering haircut, do you say that she looks beautiful and, thus, help her feel more confident? Do you promise to call her annoying parents and then conveniently forget? Do you have harmless online flirtations but tell her that you’re looking up sports scores? (Yes, I believe that online flirting is fine, as long as neither party becomes obsessed. It’s typing, after all, not cheating.) Do you say that you like her best friend, even though you loathe the person?

Ask yourself how it would feel if 1,000 people were “in on” your untruths. A fib isn’t ethically wrong, so you might feel a bit embarrassed or sheepish before those 1,000 pairs of eyes. A lie, however, is shameful, possibly dangerous, and eats away at one’s character.

InkyAnn's avatar

Not sure if this will help. I had the same problem in the past in relationships. When I was single it didn’t matter to me if I hurt someone with the truth, because it was the truth. Mind you I wasn’t telling my friends “your make up looks like a circus ape put it on and you look like a ‘city whore’ ”. I would put it in a nice way. But when it came to the person I loved, I couldn’t bring myself to to do the same. I didn’t want to hurt them in anyway with my words or the truth. But when I found my husband, I realized right away that this is someone I never want to lose or let go. So I told him this from the very beginning ” I’m letting you know now that I am a brutally honest person, so I will tell you the truth and it may not be the answer you want to hear. But I wont lie to you.” That kind of took him back when I said that but he appreciated it and knew that he could trust me. Since then, years later, he has full trust in me. It is hard for me at times now to still be like that since I love him deeply and don’t want to hurt him or his feelings, but knowing I told him in the beginning that that was how it would be with me helps me to still be completely honest with him about everything. And if he gets upset I kindly remind him that I had told him from the start that that was what I was going to do and I don’t want him to take it as I’m being mean.

I understand that you have already started your relationship, but if you care about this person and love her its never too late to start telling the truth. You could tell her “Hey, I know I’ve lied in the past, but from now on I am going to be completely honest with you about everything. Somethings you may not want to hear or not like, but I would rather you know then wonder. Your trust means more to me.” And in the future when the time comes to tell her something you don’t want to, remind yourself that you “warned her”. It helps (think of it like “covering your a$$”)

I hope this helped.

rooeytoo's avatar

@Vincent_Lloyd – for someone of your age, you have had more damned relationship problems than most of my 60+ year old friends. Here is what I think you should do, and I base this on this question and all the others you have asked. Break up with this poor girl and play the field. You are not ready for a relationship. And your girlfriend, if I remember correctly, and if this is the same girl, is even younger. So give her and yourself a chance to have some fun in your teen years instead of all the angst you seem to be experiencing. I know your girlfriend lives in less than optimum circumstances and you as well, but you can’t fix her so I would quit trying and concentrate on fixing yourself instead. Get some counseling or go to some alateen meetings and get on with your life and let her get on with hers.

JLeslie's avatar

@Vincent_Lloyd So your lies are about cheating? Well, of course you lied. I doubt you are a pathalogical liar, you are just a cheater. The only way you won’t lie while cheating is if you have am agreement with your SO to have an open relationship. You need to work on not cheating. If you are a chronic cheater, always happy to have sex with anyone who will do it with you, you are a total mess and need help. If you cheat when you and your SO hit difficult times or you are getting bored, then you need to figure out how to focus on your relationship and make it better. Better communication, doing things for each other, finding fun together, and abiding by your committment to her.

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