Social Question

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

What is your friendship deal breaker?

Asked by Hypocrisy_Central (26783points) December 20th, 2012

(Place self in this scenario) “I have known this person for a long, long time and we shared many highs and lows, but if I discovered this person ever did _____ (choose up to three) _______, I would terminate the friendship unceremoniously; in other words, drop them like a load of dirty baby diapers never to look back.” What is your unforgivable thing that would take down a close long-standing friendship?

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37 Answers

downtide's avatar

Rape, child abuse, pedophilia.

I actually did dump a friend (and report him to the police, anonymously) when I found out he’d been fiddling with my daughter’s 12 year old friend.

Seek's avatar

Impersonating me in an avatar.

totally kidding. Love you!

Real answer – a childhood friend of mine was caught by Homeland Security distributing 3,000 files of child pornography, while working as a teaching aide at an elementary school.

That’s definitely a relationship ender, there.

JenniferP's avatar

If they cheated with my significant other. If they stole from me. If they gossiped a lot behind my back.

marinelife's avatar

Had sex with my mate.

cookieman's avatar

Ate all my cookies.
Right to the curb

KNOWITALL's avatar

Hurt children, dogs/ animals or the elderly. Other than that I could probably find forgiveness eventually.

Yeahright's avatar

Same as @downtide @JenniferP @KNOWITALL, and any other kind of criminal activity such as murder (unless it was of course in self-defense), kidnapping, and the like. Additionally, if this person were to become and alcoholic or drug addict, not because it would hurt me personally , but because it is so against my life style that it would be hard to find common ground to continue our friendship. I am totally incapable of dealing with things like that.

wundayatta's avatar

I’ve dumped a friend for treating his girlfriend in what I thought was too callous a manner. I’ve dropped a friend for just not being there for me for too long. I’ve dropped friends for moving away and never getting in touch. Or was it them who dropped me?

ragingloli's avatar

Only severe transgressions against me personally or my close associates, like theft, assault, rape or murder.
Anything else, not my problem.

Yeahright's avatar

@wundayatta What did his mistreating his girlfriend have to do with you?

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Sleeping with my husband, or any sort of child abuse.

JenniferP's avatar

@yeahright-I agree with @wundayatta. I watch how people treat others, not just me. If I had a friend who was nice to me but was mean to animals or other people, they would be history.

Sunny2's avatar

I dropped a friend who continually complained about anything anybody did. Nobody did anything the way she would do it. She was also perpetually late, which I find very inconsiderate. I finally had no more patience with her.

Bellatrix's avatar

In addition to the rape, murder, paedophilia responses – treating me in what I consider a disrespectful or hurtful manner. I just don’t have the tolerance for that anymore. If you don’t treat me decently, I will walk away from our friendship because I don’t believe a real friend would do that. I am always open to listen to reasons why they may have behaved that way, but unless the excuse is good, they can consider our friendship ended.

JenniferP's avatar

One thing I forgot to add. If I was dating a man and he wasn’t nice to my children (if I had any) it would be a deal breaker. My dad got remarried when I was 17. His wife was very jealous of his first family and critical of them. It affected my relationship with him. It wasn’t until his death bed (recently) that I reconnected with him.

If anyone that I was seeing cut down my kids I would show him the door.

wundayatta's avatar

@Yeahright My friend was a psychologist. If he treated his girlfriend that way, I felt like he was a complete hypocrite. He was not living up to his training, nor was he behaving with the integrity I expect my friends to behave with. I dumped him.

Was I being a complete prig? You bet. That’s how I felt then, though and that’s what I did. Would I do that now? Not so much.

cookieman's avatar

@JenniferP: That’s a great point.
Years ago, my aunt was dating a man after her first marriage ended. The boyfriend told her at one point, “I want nothing to do with your two children. I’m just interested in you.” She married him anyway. It completely ruined her relationship with her children.

JenniferP's avatar

@Sunny2 I have a friend who is ALWAYS late and it drives me nuts. In my case though, i could never drop her because I have known her since 5th grade and she is a very loyal, sweet person. If she had a lot of other bad things about her that might motivate me to end it with her, but she is such a great friend that I just take a book with me and wait when she is late.

Yeahright's avatar

I took the question to the letter and although like @Sunny2 says I can’t stand people being late for too long but I wouldn’t terminate the friendship for that. I’d try to negotiate and come to an agreement.
@JenniferP Well, for me mistreating children and animals are reasons to terminate friendship right away. Mistreating other people…not too sure. I would have to analyze the situation in particular.
@wundayatta Makes more sense now.

wundayatta's avatar

I wonder is there is a person alive who does not have a friend who is chronically late. Once you know, you know and you can plan around it. Have a special arrival time for them that is half and hour or an hour earlier than the time you tell everyone else.

JenniferP's avatar

@Yeahright I don’t like bullies. I don’t think there should be any exceptions to it. I esp don’t like men who bully women.

I hope that you would at least talk to your friend and try to reach him.

I would reconsider a friendship with a woman for being mean to her boyfriend too. There are no excuses for that kind of behavior.

Yeahright's avatar

@JenniferP I totally understand, I don’t like bullies either. But sometimes you have to let things pass. For instance, I don’t like the way one of my best friends treats waiters, but what can I do…she has been there for me through thick and thin. We’ve been friends for 30+. I have mentioned it to her but she says it’s nonsense. So, I just let it pass. I can’t change it.

Bellatrix's avatar

@Yeahright, I think there is a difference between having a friend who is abrupt or rude and one who you feel is being verbally abusive or controlling to their partner. If someone’s behaviour is contrary to the way you believe is acceptable I think you have to let them know you don’t approve. Otherwise you are enabling the behaviour.

When it comes to men (or women) being abusive to their partners I think we should all be prepared to stand up and say “that’s not on”. I don’t think we can afford to turn a blind eye.

Yeahright's avatar

@Bellatrix I know. And I always try to address the behaviors that I don’t agree with. But sometimes you can’t because you might be crossing a line, especially if your opinion on the matter is not being asked. And again, I took the OP’s question to the letter, i.e., …drop them like a load of dirty baby diapers never to look back. So yes, I would definitely discuss stuff like that with my friend, but would not drop them like a hot potato no questions asked as I would if they committed a criminal act.

Bellatrix's avatar

@Yeahright, if I think someone’s behaviour is harming another human being, mentally or physically, I believe I condone that behaviour if I don’t act in some way. I agree an initial response might be to ask them to seek counselling but if they continued with their behaviour, I know I would have to end the friendship. We don’t know what @Wunday did before he decided to cut his former friend off. He may have spoken to the person and raised his concerns.

wundayatta's avatar

Oh yes. I tried to engage in discussions about it. But it had no effect. I don’t think he understood me, nor did he think I had any business feeling that way.

Yeahright's avatar

@Bellatrix Absolutely. Should the behavior continued after I have tried that my friend understand his wrongdoing, I would eventually be forced to cut them off, but it would take a while.

@wundayatta Right, right, That’s what I mean. Sometimes they even resent your asking because they didn’t request your opinion to begin with.

Coloma's avatar

If the person ever became manipulative and passive aggressive I would dump them.
Dumped friend of 8 years almost 2 years ago for these reasons. Oh, and if you react like a 4 year old to simple confrontation, well, bye bye baby. lol

JenniferP's avatar

I would only end a friendship if the friend was what I considered verbally or physically abusive of their mate. Not just the normal relationship issues or something they did wrong every now and then. But if they were consistently nasty to their girlfriend (or boyfriend) and it was to the level that I judged as unacceptable, I couldn’t be their friend. i wouldn’t be friends with someone who cheated on their mate either because I would feel that I was condoning it.

Yeahright's avatar

@JenniferP I understand. But at the same time I’d think who am I to judge why my friend is cheating on their partner? I think that’s crossing a line. Just because they are my friends doesn’t mean they have to act they way I would or want in a given situation.

JenniferP's avatar

@yeahright-I am curious about something and not trying to argue or anything. But what if your girlfriend cheated on you and your best friend knew and didn’t tell you. Would you dump him then?

Yeahright's avatar

@JenniferP Yes, I would. I’m a woman, so that would be the other way around. But again, yes, I would get rid of both of them by all means. I would expect my friend to tell me if she knew my boyfriend was cheating on me, but I fail to see the connection here. Assuming she is closest to me that she’d be to my boyfriend why wouldn’t she tell me about his wrongdoings?

Shippy's avatar

If I find out they have no empathy and manipulate for their own benefit.

ucme's avatar

I refuse to enter/continue a friendship if that individual doesn’t appreciate the aesthetic qualities of a baby hippo.

Seek's avatar

I have ended (new) friendships over the other person not appreciating the humour of Monty Python and A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

Coloma's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr Hey, that last one is my real life name…well, glad you appreciate my humor! lol

Seek's avatar

ORLY? I had no idea!

Well met, Laurie!

The “Laurie” in the show is Hugh Laurie, of House fame. Fry is Stephen Fry, and together they are utterly hysterical.

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