Would you help me get rid of the body?
Asked by
Shippy (
10015
)
December 29th, 2012
I finally did it, he had to go. But boy he is large. He was a nasty low down pimp. He got what he deserved. I live in a small apartment block on the quieter side of town. I’m on the top floor over looking a semi busy street below. The traffic is beginning to die down.
Here are my tools, I need to make sure this body is NEVER found. A Turkey baster, a carving knife, some steak knives, nail polish remover (loads). Wigs, a wheelchair, blankets, and a pair of Spanish Caracas. I didn’t make a mess, he was a bloodless bastard anyway.
Help me get him out? with no one noticing, I know I can count on you! Plus put him in a place he will never ever be found.
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37 Answers
Getting him out is easy. I would put him in the wheelchair with blankets over him and the wig on his head and put the instruments in his hands. I would then tell anybody that saw us that his name was Juan and he had passed out due to an energetic bout of Spanish dancing whilst sniffing the nail polish remover and I was taking him out for fresh air to revive him.
You know what they say about friends, right?
A friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move… a body.
What, you don’t watch Breaking Bad? Go to the hardware store and grab a large plastic storage bin. Do NOT use a bathtub! Then jack some hydroflouric acid from a lab and dissolve.
Or, more realistically, use lye.
Wait ‘til dark, put him in the boot and drive him deep into the forest where you dump him. If you have the time, dig a ditch and bury him there, otherwise just cover him in leaves.
Put him in the wheelchair and leave him in the “recreation area” of the nearest for-profit nursing home. They’d never notice him.
Here’s the wy to do it. Cut up the body parts, roast in the oven, baste with the turkey baster. When the Inspector come to investigate, serve him a delicious meal.
Improving on @LuckyGuy‘s response: Just drop him at the lounge at the DMV. Save the expense of the wheelchair.
@janbb Roald Dahl for the win!
Ok. So, first the obvious – put the wig on him and get him in the wheelchair; this disguise will enable you to move him out of your house. Drive him to the desert where you will remove the wig and lay him out near the road. Hide your car and return to the body. Use a steak knife to pierce his throat, twice. Wait until someone walks by. It’s a desert with a bit of foot traffic. Cover yourself in the blankets, and use the maracas to simulate the sound of a rattlesnake. Presto! The passers-by will think he was killed by a rattlesnake, leaving you to do wheelies in celebration.
ROFL . Can I ask why exactly must he wear a wig?
So no one will recognize him, of course!
The wig is part of a cunning disguise and you can claim it is part of his stage outfit due to his persona “Juan the Funky Flamenco Dancer” Nobody will bat an eyelid at that as an explanation and you will blend into the background.
In order to dispose of him I would take him to a turkey farm, put him in beside the turkeys and leave them with the knives and merely say that they took revenge on him for suggesting stuffing.
What have you done for me lately?
Leave it all to me and I will take care of it!
Stick a plug on his penis & fed-ex it to some lonely old spinster.
Give him here. I’m hungry.
Oh, it’ll rise like the phoenix…
Dissect it, roast it. render it, separate bones from bones. Rent a boat. Feed the meat to hungry dogs. Bring the bones and a bag of cement out on the boat. Set the bones in cement in a bucket.When the cement sets, dump them over the side in deep water. Probably best to make several small packets of bones and dump in parts of the ocean that are far apart. Be sure to keep a tooth as a souvenir. Don’t eat the brains.
I entirely understand your problem. I have a similar one lying stretched out in the spare bedroom. She was a nasty low down slut and had it coming but for the life of me I can’t figure out what to do with the corpse. I don’t even have a turkey baster. But wait! I have an idea. What if we swap the bodies? I’ll get rid of yours if you’ll get rid of mine. We can arrange it so the bodies of our victims are found in places we can prove we have never been. That would be perfect!
Criss cross!
Funny this conversation keeps returning to Hitchcock.
@flutherother She sounds very relaxed lying stretched out in the spare room loll
You wear the wig so no one will recognize you – take him to the zoo in a wheel chair, then toss him over the fence into the tiger enclosure. Do this just before closing so no one will notice. If you get caught, say you were just holding him up for a better view.
The turkey baster gives me another idea. Wheel the corpse into the kitchen and prop it up next to a deep fat turkey fryer. Heat the fat to ignition point and then run. The deep fat turkey fryer will explode with the power of a small thermonuclear device incinerating the corpse and leaving little trace of kitchen or flat and few clues as to what caused the ‘accident’. Ensure insurance policies on the flat and the deceased are up to date.
@flutherother I am slightly concerned at the thought you have put into that even down to thinking about the insurance policies, but I guess forward planning is what is required in this kind of situation.
@flutherother OK , here’s a plan. Bring your body over, Ill put mine in a seat at the dining room table , your body can be dressed in the wig but make sure she has false nails.
Here’s our explanation. She was trying to ignite their love life, since he had been less than sexy since being in a wheel chair. Loss of feeling down there. She had planned steak his favorite, but decided to start the night by dancing the Spanish Caracas. He was applauding and cheering her on. The wig was all to help her look Spanish since really she was quite grey. She knew things were getting sexy , when he got excited and started dancing in the wheel chair by doing a few wheelies around the lounge.
Whilst she was basting the Turkey, she decided to do her nails and spilled loads of nail polish on the gas flame causing an almighty explosion. Steak knives flew and stabbed both of them from impact.
@Shippy that is brilliant lol I think Quentin Tarantino just called you
@Shippy Shhhhhh people will hear us. Good plan though.
It is too bad that you don’t also have a high powered blender and a hammer. You could do away with the body by slowly flushing it down the toilet.
You’re going about this totally wrong. You obviously have zero experience with ditching “leftovers.” I’ll be there in two hours, so keep him cold for me. All I need from you is 173 feet of plastic wrap, 3 clothes pins, a tuning fork, a shrunken head, and a llama. Don’t ask.
We’re going to need a bigger boat.
First, please purchase some gloves and a hairnet. It’s an elementary mistake to leave any type of DNA trail. Next part is simple, you need to again wheel him out with the wig on and his body covered with the blanket. Go to the middle of nowhere, soak him in nail polish remover and then burn him to ashes. Then take the ashes, mix in someone’s coffee grounds and see that they drink the coffee you make with it. That way, even the ashes will be impossible to find. No keeping any parts of the body.
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