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Marchofthefox's avatar

My boyfriend said he doesn't have feelings for me anymore?

Asked by Marchofthefox (787points) January 15th, 2013

Hi, all.
I’ve been with my boyfriend since October and everything thing has been great. He lives about an hour away and works five days a week, though. We used to talk all time time and now it’s hardly anything. We recently found out that we’re pregnant and are planning to meet this weekend to discuss options. I fell really hard for this dude, and if there’s a chance we could fix things, I would really like to. Today, he called me and had told me another girl had kissed him at a party last night and I know he feels really guilty, I forgive him—he’s not a bad guy, I just want some advice.

Thank you.

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15 Answers

Shippy's avatar

Not sure which part you are needing advice on? Your profile says you are 17, plus you are going to discuss options with him this weekend? What types of options would these be?

Aside from that, how do you feel about being a parent for the rest of your life? Would you be able to get a job to support yourself, should he leave, or even if he stays? Are you ready to be a parent? Three months is a short time to know someone. When we bring a child into the world, the ideal would be to know this person very well, to feel financially stable and emotionally capable. So that the child would have the best start available. Are these ideas something you can answer yes to? and feel equipped and comfortable with?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Wait a second, did he kiss her and feel guilty or did he say he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore. Given that few teenagers are raised to be self-aware when it comes to sexuality or pregnancy, he’s prob just trying to passive-aggressively indicate that he doesn’t want to be with child, etc. Do not have a kid with someone who’s just ‘not a bad guy.’

Coloma's avatar

Lets see here, you have allowed yourself to become pregnant without any discussion of the boyfriends missing feelings. What did his feelings seem to be during the baby making moments?
Were they missing before or now that you have turned up pregnant?
Sounds to me as if the boyfriend is running and his not having feelings for you anymore translates to ” Oh fuck, what have I done, what will I do, maybe she will just go away!”

You both played your stupid cards and now you have some serious decisions to make. I wish you the best, sincerely I do.

Pandora's avatar

I think you have to decide first what is in your best interest and then the child’s. Yes you should talk to him but you are at a point where you need to be objective about your relationship.

jca's avatar

Wait a minute. You asked this question a few months ago:

Your boyfriend was going out of town and hanging out with another girl. This is the same boyfriend, I assume?

Marchofthefox's avatar

Everyone, things happen. I’m eighteen years old, almost nineteen. I finish High school next week, I have a job, a car and a place to sleep. I am wise with my money. I don’t want to take an unborn child’s life away, it isn’t right. One way or another, I will make it, with or without him. I figure, if he’s not going to be around, his loss. He wants to treat a good WOMAN badly? It’s on his hands, not mine.

Bellatrix's avatar

So what is the advice you want? What were you hoping to learn from the community? I’m not sure what it is you wanted information or advice about?

Marchofthefox's avatar

@Bellatrix Is it worth fixing? The relationship.

Bellatrix's avatar

The only way to know that is to sit him down and have a serious conversation. If the pulling away happened before you found out you were pregnant and told him, I would say his ardor has cooled and trying to revive it is probably not going to work. Babies are hard work and they aren’t romantic. If he pulled away after hearing about the baby, he may just be scared and not know what to do. He may be fine once he settles down.

For now your focus has to be on you and your baby. Do you have supportive family? I would move on from here with the view that you are going to be a single parent (or you will have the baby adopted or whatever you choose to do) and if he gets his act together, that’s a bonus. Have you talked to someone about your options or have you already made a decision about what you want to do in terms of the baby?

glacial's avatar

To me, it doesn’t sound like he thinks he’s in a relationship with you. You need to find out whether he wants to be with you, entirely independently of the pregnancy question. Personally, I think you are a little nuts to consider having a baby at 18, when the guy doesn’t appear to be all that interested in you, but that’s just me.

This phrase particularly concerns me: “He wants to treat a good WOMAN badly? It’s on his hands, not mine.” It sounds like you think if you lay enough guilt at his feet, he’ll stay and make a family with you. It doesn’t work that way. You’ve only known him for a couple of months. If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he shouldn’t be there. And you shouldn’t want him to be.

The thing is, between this question and the other linked here – you sound so unsure of what is going on, so unsure of what you want to do. Think carefully about what kind of future you want to have. The decisions you are about to make (whichever way you decide) are very permanent. You need to be able to figure out what you want, for now, for 5 years from now, for 20 years from now. A bunch of strangers on the internet can’t tell you what you want for your life. Only you can do that.

jca's avatar

In your question two months ago, you wrote that he goes out of town and stays at this girl’s house. At that time, you had some doubts as to his honesty with that issue. You did not update, at the time, what were the reasons he was going out of town to stay at this girl’s house. You were asked on that thread but did not respond. It seems fishy, him going to stay at some other girl’s house. If I were you I would plan on raising this baby alone

Hopefully you have a supportive family that can help you financially, emotionally, etc. Hopefully you pursue him for child support, so he can provide what he should provide as far as financial help for the baby, but it will mean you are linked to him for at least 18 years. If you forego that financial help, you can also cut ties with him but be prepared in the future, your child may want to find out who her father is.

marinelife's avatar

You can’t make hi, feel for you. You could try to rekindle feelings of love if they were ever there. Use Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want and do the exercises, but he would have to participate.

Akua's avatar

Not much to discuss and not much advice I can give, especially since he doesn’t seem to want to be with you and you are in this relationship by yourself.
When someone tells/shows you who they really are, believe them.
Don’t make any decisions with just him in mind. Do what is best for YOU. Good luck.

burntbonez's avatar

If you still love him, then try to fix the relationship. However, you can’t fix it if he isn’t interested. Do not try to twist his arm or manipulate him emotionally into saying what you want to hear. You need him to be honest. Will he be with you, or won’t he.

Now think about this. It sounds like you’ll have the baby either way. Do you want him to pay child support? Is it realistic that he will pay it? Or will he always be dodging and weaving and forgetting? My advice is that you plan to bring up the kid without his help. If he doesn’t want to pay child support, then ask him to give up any rights to the child. That way you can make decisions about the child without talking to him. You can move, if necessary. You can “forget” to tell him where you are.

If you want child support, then I suspect you will be entering into a long battle of constant reminders and lateness. It’s hard. Especially with a young man just starting out. They often have great difficulty with being responsible.

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