Social Question

tedd's avatar

When you have really f*cked up with your g/f, how do you make it up/fix it?

Asked by tedd (14048points) January 25th, 2013

Details withheld, but imagine you have royally F’d up things with your g/f because of something incredibly stupid you did. You’re ashamed of it, you feel like the huge a**hole you are, and you’re sad that you’re looking at losing someone who means the world to you.

But you can’t take back your actions.

Other than apologizing, what do you do?

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33 Answers

janbb's avatar

In addition to saying you’re sorry, did you make it clear that you understand why and how you fucked up and reassure them that it won’t happen again? If you haven’t, then anything like flowers or candy will be pretty meaningless.

Shippy's avatar

Say it how it is, say why you were an asshole, that way when you apologize it is more sincere.

Shippy's avatar

sorry in which way you were an asshole I mean

burntbonez's avatar

Show her this thread. Show her how upset you are at what you have done. Tell her you will devote your life to Christ, or something, if she’ll take you back. (That’s just a metaphor, I don’t really mean Christ).

The point is, she will only buy your story if you are sincere and you need to show her how sincere you are. Then all you can do it hope.

Also, you need to do this fast. It’s a damn cold time of the year to be sleeping in the doghouse.

Aethelwine's avatar

Ask her what she needs from you to make things right. Then do what she asks.

Don’t get angry or try to argue with her if she decides to vent every now and then. Instead, listen to her and let her know you are listening.

Have patience. Time usually does heal most wounds.

ragingloli's avatar

Chlorine solution, meat cleaver body bag and a drive to the forest.

marinelife's avatar

Live with it, trying every day to prove that you are sorry and rebuild trust.

Coloma's avatar

Sometimes you don’t. It’s her call and you had better be prepared to do whatever it is she needs you to do for as long as she needs it. NEVER whine that she is making things too hard for YOU. You fucked up, so you get to perform like a trained Seal for a very loooong time, and even then, the odds are not good that you will ever be able to get back what you destroyed.
IMO you can never go back, and rebuilding is usually an exercise in futility.

mazingerz88's avatar

Depends on the girlfriend really. No matter what you do to repent at this point, in the end it’s all up to her whether to forgive or forget whatever it is you did. But I’m being pessimistic. Looking at it with optimism, I’d say if she wants space, give her space. But not too much that later on she might turn back on you and blame you for giving her too much space that ended your relationship.

Right now, chances are she does not have a clear idea of what she wants to do with you. She could go sane or insane on this and you can’t afford to lose your cool at anytime. You are not entitled to, simply because you initiated a “cause” and she is just providing the inevitable “reaction”.

If she wants to give you a hundred lashings, offer her two hundred. And then hope that afterwards she realizes she still wants you and loves you.

I now just read @Coloma‘s post after I posted mine. Hmmm…great minds think alike? Lol.

zenvelo's avatar

Abject apology and admission of guilt. Paid for it for months.

deni's avatar

It is really hard to judge without details. If you cheated on her, or anything like that, there is no making it up. If you just really treated her like shit to the point where she is fed up, maybe she will choose not to forgive you and then, also, there is nothing you can do. I guess the question is why’d you do it? C’mon tell us!

tedd's avatar

@deni Cheating. Not physical or in person. Over email, with an X… Had a conversation with several very inappropriate topics… Including my insecurity with my gf .. and reminiscing of times past with her and what could have beens. Incredibly stupid. Not even true stuff… Just.. frustration expressed in the worst way.

I’ve never been more ashamed in my life.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

If I were said girlfriend, I wouldn’t want a big bouquet of flowers or expensive jewelry. I’m not a child, and I can’t be placated with new toys. I’d toss the flowers into the trash, and you’d hope that the jewelry store has a liberal return policy.

Admit what you did. Take responsibility for having done something wrong. Be truly remorseful (not just regretting that you were caught, but really sorry that you hurt someone who matters). Apologize. If you love your girlfriend, cherish her. Don’t do it again (or anything else so boneheaded). Earn back her trust.

Sunny2's avatar

How did she find out? Did you err in that happening? You are going to learn a lesson here, but you may not be able to mend the break.

tedd's avatar

@Sunny2 I left my email open and she searched through and found it. She was afraid because after telling her some time back I wouldn’t talk to said X, I ended up breaking the promise and talking to her (not inappropriaty like this time)..... I was ashamed and felt bad about it right after the emails happened… But I was too terrified and weak to tell her. I didn’t want to lose her and I knew right now at least i probably would. I told myself I would tell her later, when our relationship was stronger… All I ended up doing was making it worse .

Pachy's avatar

It’s about re-establishing her trust in you, and a sincere apology is only the first step. You have to assure you that you understand what you did (or didn’t do) and then not make that particular mistake again.

jca's avatar

In addition to making up with your gf, if she wants to make up, that is, I recommend you explore the reasons why you had these conversations with your ex, and what role your ex played in the whole thing. Do you think you wanted to get back with your ex? Do you think your ex secretly enjoys the fact that you are in a committed relationship and yet are emailing her inappropriately? I think it’s time for some soul searching, not just that you got caught and want forgiveness.

hearkat's avatar

Clearly, trust was already non-existent if she felt compelled to search through your emails… leaving them open does not constitute an invitation. One topic you discussed with your ex was your insecurities with your the current gf… another sign that the relationship wasn’t solid to begin with.

In fact, you may consider that you might have subconsciously set yourself up to get caught by having the contact with the ex when you’d promised not to, and by leaving the emails open. I’ve been in similar situations and they never worked out despite many efforts to reconcile.

My advice is to let it go and learn from it… what were you insecure about? Why are you desperate to try to save a relationship that was tenuous at best? Why do you suddenly want to be with this gf so badly, when you obviously didn’t care enough to keep a promise to her? These things are not love, they are ego and neediness. You do not appear to be ready for a mature relationship just yet.

Blackberry's avatar

It doesn’t matter. She’s still going to remember and hold it over your head. Forever.

Just kidding. Goodluck, though….

Coloma's avatar

@Blackberry is most likely right. Women NEVER forget being humiliated and scorned. I agree there are obvious other trust issues and @hearkat did a wonderful job in her brief psychoanalyzing. I can only speak for myself as a woman once scorned in her marriage to a playboy type.

I had to go, this stuff crops up for YEARS, at the most inopportune moments. You think you can get past it, but it dogs you like a hound after a rabbit.
Sadly, you may just have to accept this as a learning experience. Soldier on but you’re gonna be in trenches for a long time.

deni's avatar

I would be really mad and probably would not forgive you. But, I am cocky and I know how lucky guys are to have me ;) so, why you gotta talk to your ex? I’d probably just say HEY, if I’m not doin it for you, go back to her. Stop wasting my time.

If I really loved you and wanted to make it right though, it would probably require a long long emotional discussion about why you did what you did and how you really feel about our relationship…..Good luck.

tedd's avatar

Thank you for your advice everyone.

I’m sorry to you guys as well that I’m such a f*ck up.

I think I’m going to go now.

janbb's avatar

@tedd t happens to the best of it. Forgive yourself , see if you can make amends to her and learn.

Coloma's avatar

@tedd Yes, you have to forgive yourself, shit happens, nobody thinks you should be killed, but sadly, yes, you are learning a painful lesson. You will survive, even if the relationship doesn’t
Hang in there, one mistake does not make you evil.

hearkat's avatar

@tedd: I’m sorry if I came across as harsh. I was not judging you. As I’ve said, I’ve been in similar situations myself, and had to ask myself the same questions I’ve suggested that you consider.

Participation in the Fluther community does certainly not require that each Jelly be perfect – because no one can be. In fact, I believe that it is our willingness to discuss our human flaws and faults that make this community great, and I applaud your courage to even ask this question here.

wundayatta's avatar

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Perhaps you have this feeling that if you beat yourself up enough, she’ll see that, and tell you to stop it. She’ll forgive you as a way of getting you to stop hurting yourself.

Frankly, I don’t think what you did should have caused this much trouble. I would hardly call it cheating. She was an ex. So what? Don’t you get to talk to anyone about your relationship? Or is your current S/O going to keep you isolated from others? If this is the way she is, then I think this could be a blessing in disguise.

She is too possessive and clingy and insecure. You might possibly have a codependent relationship that will repeat this pattern over and over unless you guys can find another way to relate to each other than through secrecy and getting caught.

You may have left your email open accidentally on purpose. That is, in one part of your mind, you desperately wanted to talk to your S/O about what is bothering you, but you didn’t know how to bring it up. So this part of your mind overruled your conscious mind and made you “forget” to close out of email, hoping she would read it and then you could start to talk about it.

But then, the conscious part of your mind still wants to evade the issues, and so you beat yourself up for the “inappropriateness” of what you did, which sidetracks your discussion from the actual issues.

It really doesn’t matter who you spoke to or wrote to about it. What really matters and what you should be apologizing for is that you didn’t have the guts to talk to her about what was really bothering you. Even then, you don’t need to apologize. This stuff is hard. She should want to know what you are thinking. You should be telling her what you want and she should be talking about what she can give, and if you can’t get what you need from each other, then you should be talking about splitting.

You didn’t cheat. You just didn’t know how to talk about what you need to talk about. Your current self-flaggelation is not helping. It only sidetracks you from your real issues. Talk about your real issues. Set aside the bullshit about cheating. This is not a pattern you want to set up in your relationships because it will happen over and over again, and you’ll never get to talk about what you need to talk about and you’ll always be semi-miserable because of it.

jca's avatar

It seems like @tedd is gone.

wundayatta's avatar

Did his GF know who he was here?

deni's avatar

@wundayatta I feel like he’d mentioned before that he had told her about this website cause he enjoyed it so much….hm. Bummer if he really is gone.

nicole29's avatar

@wundayatta She did. I think that’s why he was hesitant to share the details. Although if she did follow him, some of his past questions were a bit risky. I’m sure he’ll be back

augustlan's avatar

I hope he comes back. :(

hearkat's avatar

Me, too.

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