Social Question

Mama_Cakes's avatar

Would your sexual desire still be there if your partner changed physically?

Asked by Mama_Cakes (9777points) February 5th, 2013

We’re talking weight and now they’re borderline obese.

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57 Answers

HolographicUniverse's avatar

I don’t have a partner but I will conclude that, sad as it sounds, the answer will be no for many. A good percentage of relationships are established through physical attraction since sexual desire plays a key role in intimate relationships. Once this attraction subsides a relationship can nosedive, alot pertaining to lack of sexual gratification.

Appearance should always be a secondary concern when mating long term and in that space weight gain, weight loss or being unattractive would not matter to me.
But since this question wasn’t “would your love still be there” but rather “would your sexual desire”, I’ll say probably not, but I would still fuck her to boost her self esteem.

augustlan's avatar

I was married at 19, and spent 20 years with my now-ex-husband, so I’ve got some experience with this. Our bodies changed a great deal over time, but we still desired each other. When you love someone, your desire isn’t limited to or by their physical appearance.

bkcunningham's avatar

You read my mind, @augustlan. There is more to loving someone and making love to someone than what the eyes behold.

wildpotato's avatar

Most changes, and I might even say any, other than massive weight gain would probably leave my level of sexual desire unaltered. But I find significant weight to be an actual turn-off, so I would answer no, in this case my sexual desire might not still be there. I imagine it’d be excellent for folks who get turned on by weight, though.

JLeslie's avatar

For me they would have to be extremely obese and have some of the other negatives that come with that for me to lose my sexual desire. I think men who prefer slim women, they lose their desire more quickly when their partners gain weight, probably true for gay men also. Men are more visual, and if they need their eyes wide open to get sexually aroused and climax, they need their “type” in front of them. Some men prefer heavier women, so that would be a different story, and some men actually have sexual desire based primarily on their emotional connection with their SO, but a lot of men really care about body type in my opinion.

Shippy's avatar

It wouldn’t matter one bit. He’s my love.

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

Short answer, no.

Long answer, no because if I love someone I love someone I love them. And yes I would do whatever I can to change them not because of their appearance because im not attracted to them but for a selfish reason that I’d want them with me longer. Appearance is not number one on my list, I try not to be so concieted.

MadeiraBoo's avatar

I don’t care how he changed in the physical sense. I’d still love him. :) I’ve dated all shapes and sizes and with those I’ve loved, size of anything or how someone looks really doesn’t matter to me at all. I love the person underneath it all, not their physical appearance.

Mama_Cakes's avatar

I appreciate y’all who are sharing your honest feelings about this.

Mama_Cakes's avatar

I’m wondering if men and women are answering this differently.

livelaughlove21's avatar

The question isn’t asking if we’d still love the person, it’s asking whether we’d remain sexually attracted to them. Some jellies aren’t really answering the actual question here.

On one hand, our bodies change as we age. If we meet young, the wrinkles and gray hair and (perhaps) a few extra pounds that we develop later won’t be present. I think that if you’re with someone for that long, it’s certainly not about looks. But is there still sexual desire there? I hope so, and I’m sure it depends on the people and how important they find sex in the first place. I don’t have the experience to answer either way.

My husband is 5’9” and about 140lbs. He couldn’t gain weight if he tried, so it’s hard for me to imagine him being obese. It might be awful to say, but I’m not so sure I’d think me was as sexy as I do now. Would I love him still? Of course. But, again, that’s not the question.

On the other hand, I’m not the same 125lb 17-year-old he met either. He still finds me sexually attractive but, then again, I’m not obese. I have a hard time believing he’d want to ravish me at 300 lbs.

It would be different if we were both overweight when we met. If that was the case, the sexual attraction would be there regardless of weight.

It all boils down to what someone finds attractive. This varies greatly between individuals. Weight isn’t always a deal breaker.

MadeiraBoo's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Oh poo, I just realized I DIDN’T answer the question. Er, yes I would still be sexually attracted to my partner if he changed. Most of what I posted it still applicable.

janbb's avatar

I found my husband less attractive when he got heavier and more attractive when he was thinner.

Seek's avatar

My husband is definitely less attractive at this weight than the weight at which I met him. But then, while I actually weigh less, my body isn’t what it was before I had my son.

Bodies change. Part of being human. Fortunately, age and wisdom are more attractive than youth and ignorance.

wundayatta's avatar

Weight can get in the way of various activities, so it could physically limit what you can do. In addition, it may get to be too much for a person to be on top of you. Like my wife hasn’t gained much weight over the years, but she can no longer lie on top of me for very very long now in some positions, without making me short of breath. That may have more to do with my own weight gain, and it doesn’t change my attraction to her. It just changes what we can do.

I see bodies and movement as inextricably a part of a whole person. Of course there is personality and conversation and humor and all the rest of it. You can’t separate them out.

People change over their lives, and you can stop being attracted to someone. Is it their body? Is it personality? Is it interests? Or lack of interest?

My wife changed. On the inside. She had a hysterectomy. They took out a few lymph nodes for biopsies and they screwed up her lymph system so now she has lymphedema, and has to wear these tight stockings all the time. Even in summer. They are really hot, and I don’t mean sexy. Plus she gets headaches—migraines.

She hasn’t been much interested in sex for years. Why? Was it me? I got sick, too. I responded to her lack of interest by looking elsewhere. I also gained forty or fifty pounds in the twenty or so years we’d been together. Was it my weight? Was it my personality?

She says she loves me. She is always happy to see me. But sex doesn’t seem to be important to her, the way it is to me. I feel like she loves me like a brother more than like a husband.

But I can’t separate out body and personality in all this. They’re all related. All part of the package. All part of the relationship. It’s about how we feel about ourselves and each other. It’s about how important physical affection is and how important intimate affection is.

Her body is fine for a woman over fifty. I would be attracted to her, except she isn’t attracted to me. I don’t mind being like siblings or friends. She’s a wonderful person. I respect her. I love her. She has a nice body. But we don’t do sex any more.

People change. Desire changes. I don’t think you can say it is or isn’t the body because people are so much more than just their bodies. You can’t separate body from anything else. The best you can say is that it is the person, and if you are looking for ways to fix a relationship, don’t get side tracked by the body. Focus on the whole person and your personal relationship. The issue, in almost every case, has to do with personality and psychology and cannot be isolated in the body.

submariner's avatar

I went to the wedding of my girlfriend from college a few years after we broke up. She had gained a lot of weight—she was not clinically obese, but some would have said she was fat. I still found her attractive, but it was based more on what I knew about her and her personality than her physical attributes.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I couldn’t possibly know until I am faced with that situation. I am not usually attracted to obviously overweight people but I am very attracted to my boyfriend’s personality so maybe that would override the physical. I can’t imagine I would stop loving him because I wasn’t physically attracted to him when I originally knew him (I didn’t think he was ugly at all but I didn’t consider him to be my “type”) that came after I fell for his personality so I hope that set the foundations for a strong relationship but a massive change in appearance could affect my sexual attraction.

DigitalBlue's avatar

I don’t think so, especially not specifically weight related (which seems to be the usual focus of this discussion, since not much else about our appearances can change so dramatically.) I find a huge variety of body types sexually attractive, so, I can’t imagine it would be a very big deal for me.
Also, I really believe that how we feel about people affects how attractive we find them to be. When I find that I am not attracted to my husband, anymore (it’s happened), I have to pause and ask myself what else is going on. Usually I’m stressed out or growing impatient with him, maybe we’re fighting, but as soon as we resolve whatever issue there is – suddenly the sexual interest is right back where it always is. That is significant, in my mind.

Mama_Cakes's avatar

“When I find that I am not attracted to my husband, anymore (it’s happened), I have to pause and ask myself what else is going on. Usually I’m stressed out or growing impatient with him, maybe we’re fighting, but as soon as we resolve whatever issue there is – suddenly the sexual interest is right back where it always is. That is significant, in my mind.”

Very true.

josie's avatar

Depends. If the change were due to personal neglect, I would view that as a lack of self respect, and I am not impressed by nor attracted to people who lack self respect. So the answer in that case would be no.
But everybody changes physically over time. Even me, and I thought taking supplements and working out would make me 21 forever. Not so. You can’t blame people for getting older.

Shippy's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I’d still be attracted to him, because its his MIND I am attracted to. Not his body parts.

Mama_Cakes's avatar

@Shippy Do you think that he would be attracted to you, if you gained that much weight?

Shippy's avatar

@Mama_Cakes I’ll ask him, how much weight are we talking? Morbid obesity?

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

Lol ^^ I just had this mental picture…“honey if they have to move me out with a crane, will you still love me?”

Shippy's avatar

@Mama_Cakes Here is his answer I would as I am attracted to you in the whole package so if you were morbidly obese or as thin as a rake I would still be attracted to you

Shippy's avatar

@nofurbelowsbatgirl loll, and Yay too, can eat sweets now.

nikipedia's avatar

I would still love him, but yes, it would affect my sexual desire.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Shippy That’s fabulous for you. I love my husband for his mind, humor, personality, etc. as well. However, it’s his body I fuck, not his mind. And what we’re talking about is raw sexual desire, not gooey feelings as we are “making love”. If I asked my husband this question, he’d say he’d still be attracted – would I believe a word of it? No.

Shippy's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Hell no for the gooey shit! Hes a kinky SOB, that’s what I keep going back for :P

El_Cadejo's avatar

No I wouldn’t. Further more if they allowed themselves to get obese it would speak to a lot of other factors that would hurt the relationship as a whole.For example, why don’t they care about their health or body anymore?

Gabby101's avatar

Sexual attraction for me is not really about how someone looks. I find many musicians sexy who I probably would not if they were working at Home Depot. To me, style, presence and a sense of humor are turn-ons, so a change in appearance wouldn’t impact my desire.

My guess is that not many men feel the same way and I find women are becoming more interested in how their partner looks as well. It’s too bad because we all change with time. I’m not sure how much of it nature v. nurture – ??

Shippy's avatar

@Gabby101 I agree, it is about their style, their mannerisms, their minds. Those are the things that are sexy. I think as you get older and more mature, physical appearance becomes less and less important. It is very important to some in their 20’s and in their teens.

But I do realize that morbid obesity is a health issue. So using another example, if they grew a hook nose, or suddenly became squint, no problem to me.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@Shippy I feel the same way. If it were something that just changed physical appearance like result from an accident or something it wouldn’t be an issue for me either.

whitenoise's avatar


I might, however, desire to an alternative for my partner.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I think it would be a definite turnoff. I’m not attracted to fat people. That’s how I’m wired. I can’t change that. I wouldn’t expect her to be attracted to me if I was obese.

Shippy's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe That’s interesting how you worded that. So your wife would become a ‘fat people and a turn off’?
Nice that you are honest, so don’t get me wrong. I guess for you it’s all about the body.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Shippy It’s okay. You’re making me look in the mirror and think.

Mama_Cakes's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe I appreciate your honesty.

TheProfoundPorcupine's avatar

For me with my SO it would not change my sexual desire for her if she became morbidly obese or if her appearance changed in some way because she is sexy to me in so many ways and on so many different levels.

We connect way past the physical level and the outside may change in various ways, but the inside stays exactly the same. Her sensuality will always draw me in no matter what and that alone, for us, takes things to a much higher level that would go beyond any change that may occur in her physical appearance.

Shippy's avatar

@TheProfoundPorcupine I hear you, attraction can be so deep so erotic, in a climate of vulnerability and sharing. It is that type of honesty that brings about new levels of relating and sharing. Physically. Which starts on the emotive levels and transcends that which is our body. I know for me, being totally open with who I am, what I want and need in a sexual sense has only connected me further to my partner. I see no longer his body but his intention and soul. Which is to love and please me sexually and emotionally. So if he changed appearance I possibly wouldn’t notice. I mean in this context.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I guess if it were anything other than obesity I could look beyond it. But I think if I’m in a relationship with someone I have an obligation to take care of myself for me and for her. Taking care of herself goes with that. Obesity isn’t healthy or sexy.

Gabby101's avatar

@shippy, yeah, I didn’t mean to come off too preachy. I don’t think people want to be attracted to only fit people (for example). It just is, I guess, and I guess I am lucky that I have more options because my brain doesn’t work that way!

And I didn’t really think of it until I read the posts more closely, but if a guy weighed 800 lbs, then yeah, it would be hard to think of them as a sexual being because they can’t move, leave the house, etc, and because their body is almost unrecognizable as being human. It would be hard to imagine the personality that would get them to that state would be attractive, as well. I did date a guy who was 3XL and that didn’t bother me, though! My friends thought I was crazy.

FutureMemory's avatar

@Mama_Cakes Haven’t you asked this basic question at least once before? Maybe it’s time you tell your partner to join a gym.

Mama_Cakes's avatar

@FutureMemory It’s not about my partner, nor myself. :)

2davidc8's avatar

“age and wisdom are more attractive than youth and ignorance” What a great line, @Seek_Kolinahr! I’ll have to remember that one.

FutureMemory's avatar

Yes..I’ve seen your partner…she’s far from fat :P. I just knew saying something silly would be a good way to get you to respond, since you ignore my PM’s. <cry>

Mama_Cakes's avatar

@FutureMemory you know that I lurve you. Just hardly here anymore, and I’m terrible at responding to pm’s. :).

Adagio's avatar

I struggle to believe someone who has been slim but later became obese would somehow be the selfsame person they were when they were slim, I find it hard to comprehend that such a significant change in appearance could happen without some kind of change in personality. Maybe someone out there who has lived through that situation would like to enlighten me.

augustlan's avatar

@Adagio When I was young, I was stick-thin. We’re talking butt bones that hurt people if I sat on their laps. Then I got hypothyroidism, and gained almost 60 pounds in one year. After treatment, I managed to lose 30 of those pounds, but most of them crept back over the years. Add to that three kids and 20 more years, and I am now significantly heavier than I was, but my insides haven’t changed much in all that time. I still get people lusting after me, though, so go figure! :p

Adagio's avatar

@augustlan Thanks for your story : ^)

augustlan's avatar

This article (NSFW pics) seems kind of relevant, here. When I first got together with my ex, he was young and attractive. Slim, muscular, a full head of hair. Twenty years later, he looked much more like the man in this article (more attractive, though). Similar body type, bald, hairy in places that used to be smooth, etc. I still felt desire for him.

livelaughlove21's avatar

I personally can’t wait until my husband gets crow’s feet and specks of gray in his hair. Men age so much more gracefully than women. Balding, however, I’m not looking forward to. He says he’d shave it bald before having the Bozo the Clown look his grandpa sports. This scares me even more. I told him to get ready to wear a baseball cap every day – even though he looks like Forrest Gump in a hat. :)

JLeslie's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I always say I wish my husband was 5 years older. We are only a few months apart in age, and he looks much younger than me. He has olive mediterranean skin, so almost no wrinkles, beautifully tanned complexion from a bit of sun, and a full head of wavy black hair. Not to mention being a nice average build.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@JLeslie Sounds like my husband. Eats like a pig and never gains a pound, year-round tan, chiseled jaw, and perfect skin. Damn him!

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

You know honestly, the only thing I cant handle is the hair. I have found out that I have this hair phobia, it doesnt matter where it is, I suppose that is also why I was ok being a girl and shaving most of my head, I also found it quite liberating and not to mention as much as I hated my long hair I felt like I was hiding behind it or something.

Anyway ironically my husband did not have one hair on his body he did not shave, he did not wax, and he would kill me if I told anyone this he did not even have pubic hair, he did not have one chest hair, hence my handle :) He had facial hair and a full head of thick dark hair.

To me he was the most handomest man ever he was 6’7 300lb, but women did fall over him and he proved to me that after losing his sight the outside didnt matter, because I don’t want to sound concieted but he could of had many woman.

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