General Question

CuriousLoner's avatar

At what point do you stop "chasing" someone?

Asked by CuriousLoner (1809points) February 9th, 2013

I’ve been talking to this for about 3 months now. For longest time we didn’t really see each other since she was working 2 jobs and had school. I tried asking her out before then, and the one time she was free it didn’t work out. Understand she was trying to get ready for trip home, but I told her didn’t want to walk around wal mart just for hell of it. Even offered we go somewhere nice to eat and just relax. Guess she didn’t have the time… I like her, yes a good bit. But I’m not desperate.

So fast forward a bit, I decided maybe its best to just move on and stopped communicating with her. She texted me, started talking again, some harmless compliments flirty stuff. Not taking classes for upcoming semester that she’d have more time, taking a break. This whole time besides like once, not a single date or have we hung out. Even though I’ve asked her out quite a few times.

Finally after all this and we still been talking to each other, she had some car trouble and had some time in the morning to see me. I picked her up, we went back to my place and just kind of relaxed, cuddled, ran my fingers through her hair and talked. She told me she had been really stressed and I gave her a back/neck massage. Nothing happened more than that. No sex, just harmless kiss on cheek when I dropped off home.

That was couple weeks ago now…..I figure great went well, got to know each other more personal and I’d like to ask her out again and I have! But now she acts like I don’t??

For example I asked “Working today or tomorrow, we should hang out if you have time this weekend.” Next day….No response I was like well no big deal shes probably busy. I text “Hows it going?” She responded “Not much, you?” My thinking is cool maybe shes free sometime today, I asked her again if shes free sometime. No response, yet somehow when I talk about other things she manages to respond..?

Not sure really what to do anymore? I’m getting to the point where I don’t feel like trying to pursue this anymore. Just kind of annoyed…..Yet every time I say this I find myself thinking about her….

I’m vastly confused here.

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24 Answers

chyna's avatar

She isn’t interested in you romantically. If she was, she would make time for you. You should move on.

CuriousLoner's avatar

@chyna Yea… I think you’re right. Well, I feel pretty stupid now for bothering with all this. Lesson learned suppose.

DrBill's avatar

It sounds like you’re trapped in the “friend” zone, you can either be happy there, or move on.

CuriousLoner's avatar

@DrBill Yes, and I’m choosing to move on.

I told her “I need to end this, I’m not looking for a friend. So its better we just move on.”

But of course how convenient, that she can text me back now. Psf. Mind games people play, ridiculous.

answerjill's avatar

I know it is easier said than done, but I would make every effort to NOT contact her for a while. If you need to, take her number out of your phone and shut off status updates from her on Facebook (if you are friends on fb). Keep busy and try to meet new people. Take good care of yourself. If she misses you or wants to let you know that she wants something more, she’ll make her way back to you.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

The moment you see indifference and lack of interest!

Paradox25's avatar

You’re mistake was chasing her to begin with. Sometimes when a woman does this they really do like you, but want to know how much you want them. Personally, whether she likes you or not, this is narcissistic behavior and you don’t owe her that. I’m not sure whether she likes you or not, but I would move on here. You would know if she did like you if you were with another woman, and if she would then respond to you. I know how these situations work.

BosM's avatar

Don’t beat yourself up, or take a markdown on her either. A friendship is certainly something you’ve gained. It’s not what you wanted, but that’s life. As others have said, move on, avoid contact for a while, and don’t be so “available” when she starts checking in on you (from her past actions that sounds like what she’ll do next.)

People don’t always appreciate what they have available, right in front of them. Give her some time to figure this out, if all she wants is friendship then she’ll figure that out. If she wants more, you’ll know. Otherwise you don’t need to wait for her, move on. But, being a friend is never a bad thing, this is what wisdom of years will one day tell you. Good luck. Peace, BosM

marinelife's avatar

She’s just trying to keep you around. If she won’t go out with you, cut her off.

elbanditoroso's avatar

You are already way past that point. After the second text, if there was no positive reply, I would have moved on.

Get the hint, she isn’t in your ballpark.

gondwanalon's avatar

Forget about her and move on. Find someone who wants to be around you.

woodcutter's avatar

You can never have too many friends, as long as they are good ones.

TheobromosHumper's avatar

This is what I don’t understand about relationships these days. Like, in the old days, before text and FB, you’d be on the phone, and you’d talk, and you’d get a sense of tone of voice. And if you saw her, you’d get a sense of body language.

Now you’re always asking inspecific things, like about hanging out. You’re not asking her to do specific things, and it may be that inspecificity that bothers her. Maybe if you wanted to see a movie or a play or a hockey game or go skiing or whatever, she might have been more interested.

But you did hang out at your house and you were all over her and playing with her hair and kissing her, and thinking about sex, and maybe that’s what bothers her. She might want to get to know you first before you have sex, and it seems like in your mind, you’re ready to jump her bones.

Is that how it goes these days? You think someone is hot, you invite her over and fuck her? I never met a woman like that. The women I know want more. They want to know you. They want to do things. Sex is not an issue for a long time. Of course, I’m not a great looker or anything.

Anyway, your relationship sounds like a lot of miscommunication. I’m guessing she expects more in terms of getting to know you, but I don’t know. Maybe she is into hookups. In any case, if I were you, I wouldn’t be into hookups. I’d be looking for something real. If you’re into a hookup, then she doesn’t seem like the right one.

CuriousLoner's avatar

@TheobromosHumper We did talk on the phone couple times, and I agree if we did see each other in person that would make things easier.

I have been specific before about doing things improv skit, roller derby game, movies, going out to eat, and things like that, so that shouldn’t have been an issue.

She asked me if I just wanted to hangout and cuddle. And I wasn’t all over her in the least. The massage thing was genuine, not trying to cope a feel (you were already next to me cuddling anyways) I was just trying to get the stress of her mind.

I mentioned we didn’t have sex because well I figure if I didn’t people might of assumed that is what happened. I could have been more aggressive and tried to initiate sex. But that is not what I’ve been trying to do – I’m actually interested in her (or was I guess now) What makes you think that is all I’ve been trying to do from what I put in the details, I am not sure. We did talk quite a bit about things though during that time.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Generally, people have one shot with me and that’s that – if at any point I am bored or lose respect for them or they are not sufficiently pursuing me in earnest, I move on. I may like them but I need to feel that they really want me, in a consistent way, and are not cowardly about it. I might chase in rare cases if I know there is potential and their inconsistency may be due to some other problem, like their depression or something. But that’s rare.

blueiiznh's avatar

When you realize that she is not looking to be chased.
Ease up and just let things settle to whatever it is meant to be. There should be no pressure or uncomfortable feelings.
Anything past that is unclear vision, expectation or unrealistic hope.

SamandMax's avatar

When it becomes a chore. Or when you can’t be bothered.

Kardamom's avatar

You, sir, are in the friend zone. She’s had multiple chances to put you in the romantic zone, but she didn’t. Guess the chemistry just wasn’t right. That’s all, don’t hold it against her. Move forward.

antimatter's avatar

Move on she only want your friendship.

CWOTUS's avatar

Don’t text her to ask for a date. Ask her on a date.

deni's avatar

She sounds like a flake. I would stop chasing her at this point. It takes 2 seconds to respond to a text message. So when someone deliberately ignores a message repeatedly, you kinda get the point.

serenityNOW's avatar

@CuriousLoner – I just went through something sort of like this, and it was a goddamn waste of time and effort. I know the passion was there, and things got steamier than your’s did, but looking back at the past two months, I should have stopped my “pursuit/chase” much earlier. Case in point:

I have one “cardinal” rule in relationships: Don’t Disappear! (Meaning, in my world, if you stop responding to voicemails and text, screw you! So, he did indeed do that for two days – not responding to text and/or voicemails, rather early on. It struck me as strange, and fuck it – infuriating, due to the fact that he called me numerous times throughout a week long period, and then dropped off the face of the earth. That was during week 2.

Anyway, that above tale has a point: stop the chase. Don’t waste your time. (Yes, in my experience, sex was involved, which adds a different layer, but the day I ended it, I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders.) Trust me – break it off. I’ve learned my lesson, and let that be a message to you. Scrap it. You’ll feel better, and maintain your integrity too, which is pretty neat.

megzybrahh123's avatar

She only just wants to be friends. If a person that you like ignores you and only responds to you whenever they want then there is no point on trying to get their attention or even try. You have tried your hardest to hang out with her and if she really liked you she would of done the same.

delilah75's avatar

To stop chasing someone you have to ask yourself why are you chasing this person. Ask yourself out of all the people out there, is there not another person who is prettier, and possibly better off with you if in fact they wanted you in return. To conquer someones love seems rather grand. In the big picture it feels better when someone wants you in return. Chasing people is not a good representation of your self worth and self esteem. You can do better and find someone who feels the same about you. Be one “they chase” not easy to catch!

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