What is the funniest threat you've heard? (Might be NSFW)
Asked by
AshLeigh (
16340
)
March 5th, 2013
from iPhone
Today I accidentally said “I will punch you in the face, with my penis.”
Got a good laugh out of that one.
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45 Answers
I was told by my boss to explain the systems we use to the new girl. He walked off and I said “Why don’t you boot into the computer”.
She looked at me and said, “You know I am going to be constantly competitive with you and try to make you look bad, because when I look into your eyes, I just want to put a shock collar on and hand you the remote”.
Once, some guy said that if I ever go in an airplane, he’s gonna throw an egg at it and make it crash down.
I heard a woman say to her 12 year old daughter. “Stop or I’ll rip your arms off and beat you with them!”
She was kidding.
I wish my mom was like that
My father used to joke-threaten, “I’ll hit you with so many lefts, you’ll beg for a right”, “I’ll hit you so hard, your kids will feel it”.
I do the same with my daughter. I tell her I’ll “sell her to the highest bidder” or “I may just have to bite you” or “don’t make me beat you in public” or “let’s strap you to the roof and drive through a car wash”.
I figure some day, someone will overhear me and call child services, thinking I’m serious.
I’ll slap you with my tits.
When we were pretending to be tough guys in constant running battles with rival schools, we’d yell stuff like…
“I’m gonna kick 10 types of shite outta ya!”
“You’re going home in a fucking ambulance/do you like hospital food?”
“I’ll kick ya arse into the middle of next week!”
@cookieman I tell my son I’m going to trade him in and upgrade to a newer model. I LOVE the car wash line. ^_^
I used to tell my daughter “Clean your room or I’ll sell you to the Arabs!”
“I’ll take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her back.”
My dad once told someone that he’d kick their ass up between their shoulder blades. I also enjoy “I’ll slap the shit out of you and then slap you for shitting” and/or “I’ll hit you so hard, it’ll kill your whole family.”
Shortly before we moved, from close to down town, transients were slowly spreading into our community.
One night, while walking our dog, I saw/heard a scruffy older gentleman yelling at another younger man, “I’ll kick your teeth in so hard, you’ll be brushing them with your asshole!”
The old guy barely had any teeth himself…so the threat came out even more humorous.
Please know that it wasn’t the transient part that made it funny. The humour, for me, came from the threat and that he was missing most of his teeth.
I was reading this as a ghost at work…ROFLLL!!!
I used to tell my kids I was going to duct tape them to the ceiling fan and turn it on!
It was always important that my kids be well behaved and well mannered, in public and at home. One day I was walking the three of them into the gymnastics club. My little three year old son was right behind me, talking to himself. He was at that age when you had to know him to understand what he was trying to say half the time…but THIS time, out of the blue, and loud, and clear as a bell, he says, “I’m going to beat your butt when we get home!!” to no one in particular. I was floored! Then I realized his Dad must say that quite often, but not when I was around! (I didn’t make empty threats.) I was soooo embarrassed….and soooo giggling on the inside!
My oldest daughter was complaining about her new shoes the other day, so I grinned and told her, “Stop your whining or I’ll yank those shoes off and bludgeon you with ‘em!”
Louis CK has a great bit where a road-raged guy yells at him to “Suck a bag of dicks”.
A very odd threat and a hilarious explanation.
@cookieman “Do I take it and suck the side of the bag? Do I suck each dick individually? Do I have to make them all cum?”
:)
Conan O’Brien in a portrayal as a 19th-century boxer, threatening what he would do to his opponent: “I’ll pepper his porridge!”.
A jelly threatening what she’d do to someone who asked her not to answer any of their questions: “Someone asking me not to answer their questions anymore would encourage me to go answer every single one with the most ridiculous answer I can possibly come up with”.
My mom threatened to sell me on Craigslist.
@livelaughlove21: Lol. So funny. “Do I discard each one in a bowl – like edamame beans?”
@AshLeigh How much? I’m in the market for a new kid, and you’d be perfect!
Hey! The bid’s on for @AshLeigh! I raise you a dollar!
You guys are so sweet. Haha.
@Dutchess_III Oh yeah? I’ll see your dollar, raise you fifty more, plus a kitten and five pounds of chocolate.
But I want @AshLeigh! I haven’t had a slave teenager-type around to take out the trash and clean the kitchen since they all moved out!
Tough! She already calls me one of her parents on Facebook, and then she blames things on me, just as all teenagers do. We’ve already got that psychotic-pretend-mother and semi-crazy-witty-teenager bond thing going on. You’re too late. So nyah!
I was at HR Block today, doing my taxes. He asked about donations. I said, ‘Um…Goodwill?” He said, “Yeah! Let’s say $300!” I said “Cool.” Then I said, “When my kids were teenagers I tried to donate them to Goodwill.”
He started laughing and said, “You tried? Wouldn’t they take them?”
I said, “No. They said they was too beat up.” :)
It’s true, she is my Fluther mom, and I do blame things on her. :)
Damn right, now give me a hug or you’re grounded.
Wait, are we bidding on young women on this thread? Am I allowed?
No, that would just be creepy! :P
I actually think that is exactly what was going on. :D
I’m pretty sure they were planning on enslaving me. Are you planning on enslaving me? XD
We will discuss particulars in May.
Quit hitting on my daughter!
@Shippy “I’ll slap you with my tits.” That’s only going to encourage more misbehavin’ I think.
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