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CuriousLoner's avatar

NSFW I feel I have a problem with self-intimacy how do I go about these issues?

Asked by CuriousLoner (1812points) March 18th, 2013

Hoping for some real advice and help, if you’re gonna be immature about the things I mention then seriously don’t bother.

I’m trying to figure out how to describe all this and where to begin. I guess really it starts with the fact that I probably masturbate far too much. Even if I “force” myself to stop I just find later that week when I decide one time isn’t going to hurt I just want to do it again couple more times that same day…It’s like overflow from the days I didn’t.

When I was younger, and I won’t go completely into my past life here, however masturbation was a big release particular high school for me with the amount of BS going on. Didn’t have any sex during high school.

Now, fast forward a bit I am currently 22 at first I figured it is not a big deal and I did not start having sex till later on compared to most young people suppose. Anyways problem is over all I feel like I really am coming to lack the discipline for myself. I assume having a high sex drive for my age is normal, but I don’t know….

I also have to mention it takes me typically FOREVER to climax,(I find sometimes depends on the sex, that I can go somewhat soft then become hard again) I don’t have that much sex, but the last time I did I felt like I couldn’t even climax inside her (with a condom) I’ve done a little research and found that you can without not meaning to, makes the penis so less sensitive and that the only real way to get full pleasure is to do it yourself.

Been considering just stopping masturbation and sex altogether, but I find it really hard to do. Sex not so much as I don’t like to get around like that and currently been single while anyways, and I’m not a player or anything of that sort. However masturbation is almost anytime I have a chance to just about. Which is probably horrible I know…..

Help, or suggestions?
Is going cold turkey best way for this?
If I do how long should I wait?
Is this normal??

I feel a bit ashamed that I had to post this, but I felt it was a real issue and haven’t talked to anyone about it.

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14 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

It seems to me your biggest issue is the shame you feel.

Beyond that, it’s not a terrible thing to have a high sex drive. Most everything you’ve told us isn’t all that out of the ordinary.

CWOTUS's avatar

As Mark Twain was reputed to have said once in an “adult” lecture – which he gave from time to time (and it meant X-rated for the times, but would probably only be PG-13 now), “95% of men do it, and the other 5% are liars”.

As @FutureMemory suggests, it’s not a problem unless you make it one. On the one hand, it seems to be true that frequent masturbation will lessen your desire to find a partner for sex, and maybe that seems like a bad thing, but it also lessens your chance of hooking up with an inappropriate partner just to satisfy an urge that you can take care of yourself.

If it’s getting in the way of a relationship with an actual partner – and here I don’t just mean “inability to climax once or twice with a particular short term partner”, but “unwillingness to engage in sex with your long term partner because you just ‘don’t need that’ right now” – then it’s something to work out with your partner. That is, of course, a danger in any relationship, that you may start to take your partner for granted. But if you’re open about this you can also make interesting games out of it, too.

If you can stop worrying and feeling guilty, then you’ll be miles ahead.

ETpro's avatar

For the preservation of the species, nature designed us to have a strong sex drive, particularly when we’re young enough to breed and be around to take care of the results till they are ready to leave the nest. There’s nothing in that to feel guilty about. When you do have a partner that you are fluid-bonded with, there will be no need for condoms. Other forms of birth control are available. And at that time, it might make sense to skip the hand jobs and save your libido for your partner. Since you’re gifted with a healthy sex drive, look for a partner who is likewise interested in lots of sex so you don’t have to go through long “dry” spells.

filmfann's avatar

Okay, first you need to calm down and get a grip on yourself.

Don’t freak out. Masturbation is common. You’re not a freak. As long as you are showing up to work on time, and not jerking off on break, you’re in the normal percentile.

Carinaponcho's avatar

There is nothing wrong with masturbating a lot. It’s not a disease, it’s not harmful, and there is no reason to stop if you enjoy it. In fact, it’s supposed to be healthy for you. Things that make you feel good release seratonin in your brain. This chemical can be helpful in reducing stress, maintaining a healthy appetite, keeping your sperm healthy, reducing headaches, and more. As for not being able to climax during sex, I think one of your main issues may be the fact that you’re feeling this kind of anxiety about it. The pressure surrounding this may be keeping you from reaching it. I think that you need to just relax and enjoy and remember that it isn’t everything. You can still have good sex without orgasm. Try to put yourself in a good mental situation and think of things that arouse you. If you’re sexually inexpirienced and don’t have sex often, then you’re probably less comfortable and therefore hindering yourself from reaching climax. It may be way out of your comfort zone. If things during sex still continue to be a little bit lacking, you can buy certain types of lubricants and gels that can increase sensitivity or make you feel different thing (heat, etc.) If you feel like there is ever a decline in your overall libido, it could be because of age or as a side effect of medication. There are some kinds of antidepressants that can keep you from reaching orgasm. I hope this is helpful. Let me know if there is anything else you need to be explained. I tried to address all parts of the question but I may have missed a few parts.

CuriousLoner's avatar

I meant more so because I felt I was doing perhaps in excess which is why I had felt bad about it that in sense was a lack of control/discipline on my end at the same time I wasn’t sure how much is too much and all. I don’t feel guilty or ashamed about just masturbating in itself.

rojo's avatar

Moderation in all things; including moderation.

In other words, enjoy it all and don’t sweat the details.

JHUstudent's avatar

Yeah man, you probably don’t masturbate THAT much more than the average guy to be honest. I jerk off all the time. You just assume it’s a lot because it seems like a lot, and it probably is, but guys do it constantly.

I mean I can literally be just sitting on the couch, writing this answer, think of a hot chick randomly, and then go masturbate. It’s just what happens to guys.

But if you think it’s too much and it’s getting to you, I’d say just go cold turkey. Think about how you’ll feel afterwards BEFORE you do it. That’s actually also a good way to train yourself if you ever have thoughts about cheating on someone.

I’ve felt like I’ve done masturbated too much at times, and just taken a break. Straight up, just ignore the urge and move on to something else

bookish1's avatar

Testosterone is a bitch, isn’t it? God must have thought humans were really stupid if He saw a need to make testosterone as powerful as it is…
But seriously, props for posting this question.
It’s fine, dude. Stop worrying if you’re normal or abnormal. Do what you need to in order to take care of yourself. Why punish yourself for being an animal?
Whoever you partner with is likely not going to view it as a problem that you last a long time!!
There’s already some very wise words on this thread that you should heed, including everything @ETpro said, and this from @CWOTUS:
“it also lessens your chance of hooking up with an inappropriate partner just to satisfy an urge that you can take care of yourself.”

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wildpotato's avatar

Masturbating a lot does not desensitize the genitals. I’m having a surprising amount of trouble finding substantial evidence for my claim online, but for now here is one informed article, albeit about women. I’ll keep looking for more evidence and check in later.

I’ll add that the posters above are correct when they say that it is not a problem that you last a long time, and you shouldn’t feel weird about not climaxing while engaged in sex – this is not uncommon.

You may be having difficulties because you only ever masturbate in one way, with a certain set of motions that always elicit certain sensations – so when a vagina comes along and grips you in a way that is unlike your hand, your body doesn’t associate the sensation with “now it’s time to climax” – it keeps waiting for you to do that one thing you usually do. Try 1) mixing up your masturbation routine a bit, with slightly different patterns of motion, and 2) having your partner watch you while you masturbate so she or he knows how you get yourself off and can emulate this in some ways.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I would stop cold turkey for a few days and try to take it down to a few times a week max. Based on my experience anyway, but I’m a woman, maybe it’s different.

janbb's avatar

We engage in sex for a lot of different reasons – to get off, to express closeness, etc. None of them are bad reasons. It is often easier to achieve orgasm on your own because you know what feels the best but frequent masturbation doesn’t preclude sexual satisfaction with a partner. You do need to talk to a partner though and tell them if they are pleasing you or not. And it’s possible that a “hand job” from a lover might be more satisfying than intercourse at times.

CuriousLoner's avatar

Well not sure if anyone is still following this question, but figured I’d give an update. Its been about 2 weeks now. And honestly not much has changed. Tried to slow down or just stop althogther.

I just found myself eventually in same boat. Either I would stop couple days and just go all out when I did have time or just here and there. So yea lol whatever hah.

I might seriously try for longer though just see how it works out. It was nice when I did wait for a bit and then did it.

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